Looks like your wife needs counseling and help too for her enabling behavior. SS will never get well if he can lean on his mom like a crutch. Its really a shame how something like this can come between a marriage, but I don't blame you for being OVER IT and not wanting to enable any of it. Good luck.

It seems your wife and her son are caught up in the sick dance of addict and enabler. I warn you, your wife may NEVER see the light and let her kid hit bottom. My pos older brother lived off our mother until she DIED.

Stop talking, and take action.

Open new accounts and move your assets. Cancel any joint credit cards. Change all passwords. In short, do everything possible to curtail your wife's access to your $$. And consult a divorce attorney to determine your rights.

I'm not suggesting you end your marriage right away, just stop the bleeding and show your wife that you mean business. She may realize that her relationship with you is at stake and change her behavior. If things go in that direction, then get her to a counsellor who specializes in addiction and get her involved with Narc Anon.

My DH moved my disgusting POS SS30 into a motel on my dime ONCE. I went ballistic. I also insisted that SS repay me the money. I do not care if SS is sleeping in the street with nothing to eat. I did not bring this addict into the world so anybody who thinks I give a damn if he is dead or alive is mistaken.

I actually do a lot of work with a group that helps homeless veterans get back on their feet. I am not heartless. But I will not spend one second of my time or one penny of my money on someone who does nothing to help themselves.

Stop being an enabler.

It's said that the age you start doing drugs is where your maturity is halted, with this in mind it makes perfect sense that ss29 acts like a teen. Above posters are right, this won't magically end. I've watched my mother enable my 40 yr old brother for decades now. She bailed him out of jail every single time. My mother lives off social security and food stamps but she'd rather starve and be homeless than watch her drug addicted thief pyromaniac son "suffer." When he went to prison mom sent $$$ to him every month. He's out now and living with and mooching off her. It's pathetic and disgusting to watch. Luckily my mother has no man in her life but if she did she would no doubt expect him to enable my brother as well. Mom wanted me to join in the love train and send him $$$ every month while he was in prison, I told her NO, that I had my own children to take care of.

This kind of codependent enmeshment is hard to break, and you are just as guilty since you are the cash cow and this is all done on your dime. Stop the $$$ flow now, she'll be pissed but oh well. She can always go stay in the motel with her widdle boy.

Can I suggest Al-A-Non? I'm not sure if we are allowed to do that here but it can be very helpful especially with parents of addicts. I attend a meeting that is strictly for parents of addicts/alcoholics. There is a difficult dynamic as a mother where you have spent your entire life trying to protect your children when you have to let them fall. I think of it like when you teach a child to ride a bike - you don't want them to fall and get hurt, but that may be part of the process. Perhaps your wife might hear something from someone else's story that might make her rethink her position. Just a suggestion.

Addicts either get clean, go to jail, or die. That's it. Sure, your wife doesn't want either of the second two things to happen, but the first will never happen as long as she enables his behavior.

Your SS needs to be ready for rehab. That means he needs to hit bottom. And your wife needs counseling from someone who understands addiction so that she really sees her role in his addiction. It's not her fault her son is an addict, but she is enabling him to continue to use by providing money and a soft place to land. He'll always be 15 and will always be an addict unless something changes in how he lives his life.

Addiction is a disease. It needs to be treated and managed. Even if your wife won't take action, you must to protect yourself. It might get ugly, and your wife might choose her addicted son over her marriage. But I know I wouldn't be able to live the way you are living.

My adult SS is a recovering addict. DH put him in a hotel exactly one time. SS was on the street after that (about killed DH but he knew he had to let natural consequences play out), SS hit bottom then entered recovery, and is committed to working the program.

You need to take responsibility for your part in this as well.

It sounds like you are footing the bill for all of this.

Your wife is enabling her son but you are enabling her by giving her access to the money. Unless she's using her money to bail him out and pay for the hotel?
And if she's using her money for him, how much is she putting into household bills and upkeep?

As harsh as it sounds you really need to cut her off financially. That is the first step.

Good luck with it. My SS almost 21 has gotten so many second chances. I keep hoping for different outcome but am resigned to the fact that its probably not going to work out.