So confused and hurt. sorry this is so long but think it's important.

Background: My husband and I were married for 20 years. When we had been married for about 10 years, he had an affair and I forgave him -- I wanted my marriage to work more than anything. And it was working. We had our issues but it was working. My SD was five when we got married, seven when my son was born and nine when my daughter was born. Her mom and I somehow became friends. My SD came down for summers and one summer she said she wanted to live with us all the time. I was a SD bounced from home to home so I called her mom to come talk. She stayed with her mom. One summer, when she was a teenager, I took her to the doctor's after seeing how shockingly thin she was. She was anorexic. Her menses had stopped and the doctor said she was on the edge of having to be hospitalized. That was the last summer she chose to come and stay with us. Her mom suggested that she claim my SD on her taxes every year so that her BD (my SD) could go to college for half price and if the BD agreed to sign the forms letting her claim my SD, she would take care of college and he wouldn't have to contribute. There was no reference to college in the divorce decree. My SD came to my BS sporting event to ask my H for thousands of dollars for school. He told her that he and her mother had made an agreement but if she would meet him for dinner every Sunday night, he would give her money so she wouldn't have to work. She declined and stopped communication for years. We started communicating again her jr or sr year and it always remained infrequent and strained. She became engaged. I was fired from my job and that same day she and her fiance told us (not asked) for $20,000 for her wedding and didn't even blink when she learned I didn't have a job. We contributed to the wedding. She had it planned for one date and then had to change it as it interfered with her soon to be sister in laws graduation so she had it on my BD's 16th birthday even though she knew that my BD was planning a party. We didn't see her much after she was married and one time she actually agreed to meet us for dinner...she was pregnant. After the baby was born my H went up every Friday to visit and take care of him for a few hours. I asked him to wait for me to get out of work or go back the next day. I felt left out and it seemed like they had their own little family: him, his ex, his BD, son-in-law and grandson. He would have dinner with them and take the baby for walks with his ex. I begged and begged for him to think of how I felt. He had hurt his back and was out on disability. He started sleeping in a twin bed. Me on the couch. I begged for his attention. New year eve, I went to my sister's by bus. I called my H just to talk. He rushed me off the phone. I called him at midnight. He said, oh yeah, he was in bed and had to go. I was devastated and hurt and tired. I called my H.S. boyfriend and he said everything I needed to hear. made me feel like I did have some value. We continued to talk almost daily and my H suspected I was having an affair. I guess it was an emotional affair but I stressed to my H.S. BF that I still loved my H and wanted it to work out. He was having surgery in April and I said I would not make any decisions or leave him until I was sure he would be okay. My H told me we were getting divorced and rushed the procedings so it was done in a few weeks. I visited my H.S. BF (he lives far away). My H spent a lot of time with his ex and made contacts with other women. I continued to talk to my H.S. BF and my H and I started dating. His BD stopped talking to him.

Now the issue: if we had been married when he retired, his pension would go to me upon his death. He changed it to 33.33% to each of the kids. I went with him for testing for a life insurance policy. We were planning on getting remarried. I assumed the policy was for me and that he would change the beneficiary to the pension back to me. We remarried and I found out he did neither and that there was even another life insurance policy split 3 ways. I have been out of work due to PTSD and have been unable to return. I told him that part of the anxiety comes from knowing that I will have no way to support myself if something happens to him. My own family doesn't talk to me. He said that my kids would have to turn their portions over to me but that his BD would be able to keep her portion. I freaked out - hysterical - thought I would have to get checked backed into the hospital. He said he would take her name off the pension because it was supposed to be 100% mine and I would not leave her any of it but he still has our kids as the beneficiaries. He said he will leave her the Life Insurance. The two policies are $25000/each. He says that once I die the kids will get their monthly checks and that is when they will get their money and that if I think that they should get anything else I am delusional and unreasonable and he will discuss it no further. She still does not talk to him. He isn't allowed to see his grandson. Our kids are there and have been there everyday -- through his pain and anger from his disability -- our arguing because he was keeping us separate from that family -- and the divorce -- and the arguing, crying and struggling to be together again.

Am I wrong? Is he right in what he is doing? Do I just see it as unfair because I am so resentful and angry of her treatment to her dad, to me, to her sister, to her brother? Please advise.