Adult SD living with us - Help
Just married a year, pregnant adult SD moved in 4 months ago, due in 1.5 mos. Prior to the move in, we had a discussion about being on the same page, talking, partnering. That has gone out the window. He lost his temper at work, was fired, and has been unemployed for two months - no prospects at this point. SD is always right, no boundaries. The latest is a coordinated effort to get rid of my dog when baby arrives. (SD's cat seems to be an angel). I am the bad guy at all times and in all things - refered to as an "ogre", by my h! (For requiring that the cat is fed in the kitchen and not in SD's bedroom, where there was catfood strewn all over, including in the bed because it had not been cleaned). Also - I am unreasonable for not allowing sleep overs, including boys, BioM, and girlfriends. The list goes on. I am very sad and feel like crying 24/7. Can't sleep at night. I am the sole income supporting this little group. SD has job - but we had agreed she needed to put it towards getting herself on her feet so she doesn't contribute to household at all. I need suggestions, help. Can't go to a counselor unless H gets a job and my financial load is eased.
first of all you have two issues.
One is you work, you pay all the bills and he is sitting on his ass. Then you have complete say over stuff. Tell him to get his lazy ass up and go get a job. You are not the ogre, because you won't get rid of your dog, um I think I would be telling him his house is in the back yard. Other thing is, sleep overs, um she is pregnant, and she wants you to allow her mom and boys and GF stay over, damn how old are we? Old enough to get pregnant? Um about the BM spending the night, what is that? Um no thank you. I don't know I think I would sit and think about the situation and think long and hard, sounds like your hubby is a child himself?
GOod luck... Who is going to pay for child care for baby when it gets here?
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
Thanks - I needed that
Ok, I am not the ogre - cool. It gets a little oppresive sometimes, and I haven't been able to gain perspective this week. It has been one hit after another. We have talked - SD is totally responsible for baby costs - I followed through and made sure she found a daycare place, and has paid to reserve the spot. It is within her budget. The original idea around having her stay with us was to provide the building blocks for her to get her life back on track - get a job, get to college, build a little back up money, and then stand on your own two feet. It was a plan - a long term plan, like two to five years. But I can't live like this for even another two to five months, let alone another year!
Write it all out....
Seriously. Get a big poster size page, use a sharpie, and sit down with everyone. Use another piece of paper, write everything out that needs to happen, prioritize it and then have your SD literally write those goals one at a time on the big piece of paper. Make sure you throughly discuss each issue, what it will take to get to that goal etc. Why? you may ask... because it's a visual aid that will be a physical reminder of the conversation that took place for EVERYONE.
Keep this document in a central location... so what if guests see it, it's there for a reason and a point. My concern with this situation is that while you may feel that you have sat down and discussed goals, it's very easy for those goals to lose their zest and be swiped under the bridge. By physically putting the goals out on paper, it reinforces the fact that this is reality, not imaginary.
Your dog is not the issue, but a means for them to manipulate you. If your dog goes, so does the cat... and I would stand firm and strong, don't get emotional over it. Take all the emotions out and treat this issue as a business transaction.
Since they feel you're such an ogre, rent a few Shrek movies, and call yourself Fiona. I'd personally would ignore the crap out of them because they are just acting childish.
How old is your SD by the way?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Getting my perspective back
SD is 19, to be 20 shortly. And I used your suggestion last night for a different issue. She is having a problem with insurance from work. (This would be my fault, since that is the way of things at this time.) And I had her sit down and write out exactly what the issue was and how she was going to correct it. She is supposed to follow through on several things from that written plan today.
It will be interesting to see how it works out. The good thing was that as a plan, it was something that DH could get behind and endorse. Probably the first thing he has supported me on in a month. YEAH! I need to build more successes like this. Thank you for your suggestion.
Bet sure to stick too it...
If she wavers, just whip out that paper and say... who's writing is this? And why did we write this down? So, what are we, ie, you suppose to do? It's in black and white, black and white... no gray about it.
If she whines about it... oh, so I take it your word isn't good, that if you make a promise to someone, especially yourself, that it's not good enough, huh?
Good luck!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
don't
Don't you dare get rid of you dog....I can't believe they would do that to you. i totally agree with the advice above.....
I agree!
They'd be looking for a new home before my dog would!
I just had a similar, more benign situation, w/ my SD and DH. After 8 mos. she moved out, but not w/o drama a couple of months prior. She was saving $, had a good job, but handed over every single bill to her father. I was livid! And, do you think she could ever lend a hand around the house? No way - it interfered w/ her mall trips and laying out in the sun...
Anyway, your DH needs to find SOMETHING! Bill Gates once said that our g-parents had a word for flipping burgers: OPPORTUNITY! Tell DH he needs to find something, even if it's "beneath him" on a temporary basis.
If the SD is old enough to get pg and have a baby, she should be old enough to provide for herself. As for sleepovers, I shudder to think she even asked to have guys, girls and HER MOTHER stay over! If the mother is so interested, let her house her! I had the same issue w/ my SD's mother, who lives alone, while I am raising three young boys. Sheesh!
And, when we did have a blow out fight a few months ago, DH and SD sat on one couch, like they were against me, and I was on the other.
So, I completely understand how you feel. In words, we were going to be a 'united front', til his DD threw her first temper tantrum. It was like he much preferred to anger me than to dare to upset the princess...figured I'd get over it or something and didn't want her upset w/ him. It stinks! I wasn't even wrong - just asked if she was working on a plan for independence - and HE ASKED me to bring it up, lol.
The difference, too, is that if I was housed out of the goodness of someone's heart to get me through a bad stage in life, I'd be forever grateful and try to not disrupt any normalcy in their home lives. Today, it's like everything is expected to be handed to these grown skids/kids. Things are taken for granted and they continue to manipulate their parents.
Where's the baby's father? And are the guys she wants to have over new boyfriends? She works fast? Make sure your husband is going to be on board this time in ACTIONS and in words once baby arrives. I think it's great that you've opened your home to her in her time of need, but enough is enough. I'm w/ you regarding the cat. Who'd want cat food all over their room anyway?
You've gotten some nice advice above and I wish you well.
All the best,
Dana
I need a stepmom to talk to like u
Dana,
I feel we have similar situations....'d love to chat with u via e-mail if possible. I'm a 43 y.o. mom of 2 adult step children, 2 teens and my DH and I have BC (5). Please email me if you feel comfortable.
-LS
SD has made adult choices
So DAD really should back you on the no overnights as she will soon enough be asking for time alone! Talk to hubby since it sounds like hes treating SD as the child and thats no longer going to fly as soon she will have to be taking care of a child and does need to be respectful and responsible for her own parenting.( I'm almost 29 and have 2 kids and 1 on the way and my dad still does this stuff) Plainly tell him that SD getting pregnant does not give her the right to claim adulthood in your house( where SD makes no contribution but plenty of demand) that is something that needs to be earned.The dog thing is ridiculous all of my children have been around dogs since the first day home(this one will have 2 labs) and they have loved it, the dogs learn fast to be cautious and I knew it meant being more careful and really thinking before doing things(like not getting the swing that is close to the ground)but I never even got our son a walker since our akita was always at his side and let him pull himself up and then very carefully slowly would lead our son around- true story- thats how most dogs are with babies when they are around them from the start. I consider my dogs an irreplaceable family members and would not give in on that one besides isn't there some talltale about cats stealing babys breathe cause of milk? That seems riskier than you dog eating the baby or whatever they think unless SD just doesn't want to pay that much attention to what she's doing with the baby and thats why shes worried about the dog.
What's next?
DH got a job! This is really good, even though it took an ultimatum to get there.
At the same time SD has been terminated from her job - we knew this was coming because she had only been employed for three months, so no coverage under FMLA. The ultimatum was all niceties at home were going away to pay for SD's medical insurance - including cable, internet, etc. DH must pay for SD's medical requirements while she is unemployed.
Crayon - OH MAN - the hot dog buns!! I can't believe it! That EXACT thing happened last week. With my assumption of the responsibiliites of all things financial - both SD and DH have been wasteful. They eat half of something, and then put it in the fridge or leave it out until it goes bad, or they perceive it as "old". Last week we had hot dogs, and I pulled the buns out of the refrigerator - they had been in there a little over a week, but wrapped and were fine. SD announced they were old and couldn't be eaten. DH looked at them and said they had white fuzz on them - that would also be known as FLOUR! and threw them out. So - they ate their dogs with no bread.
I pushed back on the dog issue - cat must sleep in the basement. As first step, I think that combined with the ultimatum on the job front convinced some residents of my house that I meant what I said.
SD has pregnancy-related hypertension, and may have her daughter early, even as early as next week. This is both exciting and nerve-wracking. The no over-night visitors rule is still in effect, and I expect both boyfriend and bio mom to show up. Unfortunately, DH has made it clear that he does not and will not support the no sleep over rule - this is different from our agreement and discussion last April, and I find it tough to deal with. However, I'll be Fiona and stick with it.
On the other hand, I am also very excited about the new little one! I don't know what to expect, but can only think that there will be something wonderful about that.
What is next? I think after little one arrives, I need to have (another) a hard discussion with DH. And, I am going to have to have an equally difficult talk with SD. I may be borrowing trouble, but I expect that there will be some extremely difficult parenting issues on the horizon.
I can't tell all you folks how helpful this board has been - I appreciate your comments and suggestions. When I first logged on, I was feeling a bit desperate. Thank you and please keep sharing with me.
May I be frank?
OK, my name is NOT Frank (haha), but I have to, have to say something here.
SD's who get knocked up and move into the home you pay for are GUESTS and nothing more. You haven't asked for anything unreasonable. You are not her blood. She sounds disrespectful and absolutely horrible.
BTW, why do boys need to spend the night? Sounds like she's had enough of those (ie PREGNANT).
I'm sorry, tho, I am SO bitter over my SD I can't even see straight. Plus, I have a nagging feeling that this is going to happen to me in the future.
You seem like a nice woman; don't let anyone take your home from you and your love! Not even his kid. She is an adult, ya know? I am thinking "how dare she" as I read what you've written! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
Stick with it
This isn't like one of those small things this is time when 20 y/o SD has to grow up for the sake of this child and realize you nor her father much less the world owe her anything and she could atleast show some appreciation for everything your doing.I really hope things go better for you and that the baby be healthy please let us know.
Now, I need the help
Hello all...
I'm sort of in the same boat as gertrude, however, not married. We were looking forward to taking the next step when his kid called home from college saying that she was expecting a child in 6 months. We've waited for this long to get engaged and even took a step to buy a home for us. We wanted to make sure that his kids were well taken care of and not feel cheated in any sort of way. Now fast forward, she just had the baby a week ago, now she's living in our new home... has been for 5 and a half month....wanting the father of the baby to sleep over..along with her girlfriend in and out of the house. I refused for this to go on in a house that I'm now paying on...and I'm made out to be the bad guy. My boyfriend feels that he is in the middle and not making any decisions. His parents, the grandparents are only looking out for their grandchild and great-grandchild and have asked me to be patient. We've been together for over 6 years. I'm going to talk to a doctor on Saturday because I'm being made out to feel that I'm the B*&#$ and life has been horrible since the news.By the way, she is not working, sleeps all day or at the beach, doesn't cook or clean. She's 21 and depends on her father, my boyfriend, for EVERYTHING. My boyfriend tells me how hurt and angry he is however never really expresses any of it to his kid. I've asked for a "family" meeting for this Friday to talk. I love the idea of writing things down on paper and posting it somewhere. I thought that I was alone. I'm glad the I found this site. Any advice?
is the baby here now?
Gertrude - how are you holding with the baby? Is she born yet? Good luck with all of this, with adding another layer! Babies are such joy, but how are you handling it? I don't have kids, want my own and the idea of my adult SD getting pregnant makes me go ballistic with rage. I wish I was different and loving and had this large village in my house, of all relations! Ha! So how is your village?
best of luck