Setting boundaries and jumping over hurdles in a second marriage with adult stepchildren is exhausting - a bit like training a wilful puppy!

I've been married six years, been with DH for 17 - six children involved (3 mine, 3 his) and all aged between 23 and 29. Generally, DH and I have a really happy marriage and get on really well. The only - ongoing - obstacle is his children, or should I say 'unnatural' relationship with them (in that he treats his sons like babies).

I've posted on here a few times asking for advice because DH seems to operate life with completely different rules and ideas to me. My two eldest (28 and 25) both own their own homes and have good jobs, my youngest (22) lives at home and works full-time. All of my kids love DH - he's been the only male role-model since we got together 17 years ago. His eldest and youngest live with their mum - they all tolerate me. SS (29) is work-shy and has only ever worked part-time. SS (23) has an apprenticeship and I get on with him OK. SS (25) lives with us and works for DH and is thankfully leaving home in two weeks to set up home with some friends.

We've experienced lots of problems over the years from DH thinking it OK to go and stay with ex-wife for the weekend to visit his sons and wanting us all to holiday together (even though they are all adults and me telling him how unhappy this made me) - we finally resolved this and he agreed that he would not ever put me in this position again. Next problem was his sons all practically moving into our home with their girlfriends, coming on holiday with us and generally taking over our lives. Another huge bust up between me and DH over this, but he finally saw my point of view and visits have been restricted to once a month and they will NEVER come on holiday with us again. Money has always been a big issue, but now this is the elephant in the room and escalating beyond control.

Despite all SS's being adults and all working (even if only part-time, which is by choice), DH still gives each of his sons £100 each per month pocket money (I stopped giving pocket money to mine when they were about 12!)When they come to visit us, he pays them petrol money and will offer them little jobs (mow the lawn, wash his car etc) and pay them a ridiculous amount for doing so (my son will do jobs around the house for nothing - simply as part of the family). His middle son works for him full-time and he pays him double the going salary rate for his type of work and experience and consequently is usually well in debit himself whilst his son is rolling in it.

We argued about this recently when SS brought himself a £10,000 BMW a few months ago and brought his girlfriend a brand new Fiat 500! DH is so broke that I am having to pay for holidays and extras because he reached his overdraft limit. I have quite a good job and earn quite a lot and fortunately we keep separate bank accounts so he can't dip into my money. However, we have had a few hefty bills in the last few weeks and both have big tax bills coming up this month. I had to help pay DH's tax bill last time using my own savings as he hadn't put by enough and I said that I was very worried that he doesn't have the money to contribute to these bills as he seems to be giving every penny he earns to his son.

This escalated yesterday when SS (23)decided to drive up to visit having not seen him for a few months. When he was about half an hour away his car broke down (this was a car that DH brought for him two years ago). DH had to go and tow it back and took it to the local garage. The garage said that it would take two or three days to fix. SS was worried because he needed to be home the next day for work. DH was out all day with his two sons (I thought working, so when he came home at 5pm I asked him if he wanted me to look at train times so the SS could get home and suggested he come back to collect the fixed car at the weekend. I was totally stunned when DH said not to worry as he has just been with his boys and brought SS a new car (£1,500 plus insurance) which he paid for with his overdraft. His is now almost £5,000 in debt with his bank!!

I am absolutely furious. What husband (or wife for that matter) goes out and makes a major purchase like that without even discussing it with their spouse? It wouldn't be so bad if he had lots of money saved and could afford it - and if it wasn't a gift. He seems to think that as we have separate bank accounts, what he does with his money (or lack of it) is up to him and vice versa. What he doesn't seem to appreciate is that as we are married, by law we are both liable for each others debts, so if he can't pay his - the debtors will look to me to pay it.

Usually, I shout and rant when he does ridiculous things like this. This time I just said calmly 'our marriage is a complete farce' and walked out of the room. I slept in the spare room last night and haven't seen him today as he left for work early.

I just keep wondering when (if ever) he will wake up and smell the coffee and realise that his boys are actually grown men and capable of looking after themselves.

Rant over - I feel better for having voiced it!!