Yes, your SKs are insensitive, or more likely, haven't been trained in social graces.  The good news is that at 23 and 26, they are, according to you, good adults.  I know you want to school them, help them, keep them from making unwitting social errors.  But, 1) its not your job and 2) they are adults.

I'd try to let this go, as painful as it is.  You have had a rough period with these losses.  It's, understandably, made you sensitive.  

Back in the day, I disengaged from teenage YSS.  I just stopped teaching him anything, guiding him, I put it all on DH who wasnt the greatest with social graces.  I felt it was a pity because I could see YSS had a lot going for him and could use polish.  Flash forward and YSS is a very successful salesman of luxury vehicles.  He picked it up on his own somehow.

If you are new, read around on this site and you will see many horror stories that will make you thankful your SKs are good adults.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad, I can tell it still hurts.  Good luck.

Sorry for your loss.  It is obvious you had a good relationship with your parents and honor them.  I have found that even younger DNA family doesn't react as I would like them to.  There doesnt seem to be much weight in social graces anymore, and it is sad.  But there are times when they let me know they love me.

If your SS and SD have DNA Grandparents there could be all sorts of dynamics going on which you are not aware of.  It appears they have treated you and your parents with respect otherwise.  Perhaps look at the 'history' rather than the moment.

We've experienced the same behaviors. Your SKs are jerks. I lost 5 family members in a 4 year span - my mom, siblings and a nephew - not ONCE did I hear or get anything from DHs kids, all adults. It's its not like they didn't know to do something. When a relative, who lived overseas died, they knew how to order flowers on the international level. Don't tell me they can't do this locally.

Again, your SKs are jerks and do not deserve your kindness. I'd start cutting back on that area quickly. Maybe some moderate disengagement??? 

Welcome.  As others have said, your skids are rude and insensitive.  However, I would not get too sprung over this.  If you stick around a little bit, you'll start to see that these issues are minor compared to what a lot of face every day, and that you might face one day.

My SO's kids are quite thoughtless.  They have finally started thanking me some of the time (for dinner, presents, etc.), but in the beginning they NEVER said thank you.  Just didn't even cross their minds.  This was, of course, a SO problem, since she doesn't believe in rules, consequences, or standards for her kids. That would be "judging" them.  To their credit, they **have** gotten better, but it's inconsistent.  I don't even think about it any more, it would merely piss me off if I did.

Please change your avatar so it doesn't identify you. One thing that makes Steptalk work so well is the anonymity of the members. Everyone is free to share their deepest thoughts without the fear of anyone in their real life knowing. While the chance is slim someone would find you, it is a possibility when you use an actual photo. Welcome to the site.

Yes, definitely change your profile pic.  

I am very sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately your skids behavior is extremely typical.   You sound like a very kind, generous and loving person.   We think that if we are kind and generous to others, we will be treated likewise.   In step world this is rarely the case, and many times we're punished for our kindness. I would start doing a lot less for them...in fact I would do nothing for them.  Leave it all up to your DH.  Have zero expectations from them. 

I do not go to funerals in general and if I do, I remain at the back as far from bodies as I possibly can. THat is not what I want to remember about the person. For services with cremated remains, closed casket, etc... I am fine being forward in the celebration, memorial, etc...

I did not go to my youngest brother's funeral.  I was 9.  I stayed at my GP's home while the rest of the family went to the funeral.  I think I recall an older cousin staying with me.  I told my parents I did not want to go. They understood and let me stay home.

I have been to five open casket wakes. A HS teacher who died my Jr year, a college class mate who passed the last year of engineering chool, the wake for the father of one of my BFFs, and my GM's.  I saw nothing because I stayed at the back.

I have never sent a sympathy/condolences card. I do call and express my grief for the family on their loss.

I do not think your SKids are being rude. I do not think that you are being overly sensitive.  Grief is a very personal thing and process. 

As for the prompting by your DH, that would piss me off more than the relative silence from the SKids I think.  Not sure why, the concept is just irritating to me.  

IMHO you focus on you and working through the grief process.  Do what you can to not transpose the anger phase of that process on your SKids. They are invariably working through their version of the loss process.

(((((lHugs)))))

Take care of you.

My condolences on the loss of your dad.

Your SKIDs are jerks, extremely inconsiderate. I would do nothing more for them and allow your DH to pick up the slack. 

"My kids don't know how to process death" is code for my kids have no frigging manners, frankly its a bullshit cop out excuse. When my mum died i had just found out i was pregnant with our 1st kid barely 2 weeks prior.

i had flown urgently as dad called me saying she may not have long. My ss was 17.5 and asked his dad whether he was flying out as hubby had a planned trip to fly out in 10 days time

Christmas is coming up and there are plenty of books on manners and etiquette that would make great gifts. Sorry for your loss.  

This is how my skids treat me too. I'm invisible to them, so no condolences when I lost a parent. Or pets. Oh, wait, not exactly right. SD told me the flowers DH's sister sent when my Mom passed were from her too. So tacky. 

Once again , hate to be the one,  But it's time to review your relationship with SK.  At there age there to old for being a jerk story.  From now on, always remember this, when they want something. And at gift times, Birthday, Christmas.

Also ever costly events are coming up.Wedding. i would repay them in being a jerk myself by disengaging from all of this 

I might not say that they are jerks exactly.. but sometimes people just don't know what to say or how to react.. so they say/do nothing really.  I would turn things back on your DH though.. if this was their first "death" as adults.. perhaps they did need some coaching on what would now be expected of them.. that they aren't necessarily in the same position as they were as children when they would have their names on the family Christmas Card.  That as adults they would be expected to offer their own condolences.. 

I don't think it would be "bad" for dad to gently remind them of their social obligations.. because it just may not have occurred to them... 

If they generally have had a good relationship with you.. I would try to chalk this up to a lapse in manners.. vs that they are "jerks" per se.

I still have both my parents currently, and cant imagine the depth of your grief. I envision something similar when something does happen to my parents. I hope that you disengage and consider $50 giftcards at the most...

The short answer: Yes, your step kids are jerks! Welcome to this sad club.

When my father passed, the two stepdaughters that have graced my life, sauntered into the visitation, coldly gave their condolences and left. No flowers, no cards, no love. It was done in a perfunctory manner.  The only upside to this is that I wasn't even expecting that much from them, so it was almost a pleasant surprise. Sad, but true.

In hindsight, it was most likely done so that my DH would say they weren't so bad, because they did make an appearance after all.  I believe everything that they do that could be perceived as positive , is with an ulterior motive and in an effort to make them look good and me look bad.

I suspect that many StepTalkers are in the exact same boat.

I agree with the comments above, they have been taught or allowed to be insensitive jerks and you, as SM, can't change that. 

As a less emotionally-heavy example, neither of my SSs has ever been appreciative of any gift received. When DH and I were just dating, MIL had come back from Europe. DH gave them gifts from MIL at pick-up. In front of both DH and BM, skids looked at the gifts, made an annoyed face and threw them into the back of the car. Neither parent said anything. Since then, neither skid has ever appreciated or said thank you for anything, even things they asked for. It doesn't make me less annoyed, but I now expect it. I once made them sit down and write thank you notes after a birthday barbecue we held for them where they got gifts, even from people who shouldn't have felt obligated to give gifts. They wrote them, but their sentiment didn't change. 

Even though both SSs met my dad several times and he was nice to them and they enjoyed spending time with him, neither one expressed any sympathy when he passed away unexpectedly. It happened over one of their weekends at our home and one of them had the nerve to start drama by texting BM that he was hungry and we didn't have any food. We didn't have as much food at our house because instead of his usual Saturday morning grocery shopping, DH was driving me (his sobbing wife) to the airport to board a plane to go home to plan my father's funeral. And SS and BM both knew that my father had passed, completely unexpectedly, that Friday evening. SS was a teen, so not an adult, but part of me still hasn't forgiven him or BM and I really wish DH had told him off as a jerk, but he didn't and he won't. 

I too am sorry for your pain and loss. I have lost both my parents and it is hard not having them around anymore. I am about to have my first grandchild and neither SS or DIL has acknowledged it to me. DH told them and that was that. There will be no baby gifts for sure. Yet, we are expected to put out a big Christmas and birthday gifts for them and their kids every year and DH has no problem playing Santa to their wants. I too stay silent because my annoyance isn't worth putting DH in the middle. My kids have manners, they even write thank you notes but his kids seem to think they are the only ones needing emotional support.

I will tell you why they're jerks. Stepchildren will treat any Tom, dick, or harry with respect but if it's the step parents they won't. Last year on Father's Day my ss came down stairs with his friends didn't say anything about the holiday, ate his waffles and left. Then when anyone else has a holiday, he draws pictures, uses money buy things, and calls them and yes I called his ass out on it and he acted like he doesn't remember. They will never respect or care because to them we are just butlers and personal chefs. Not the people that do almost more than their bio parents. 

You cant fix stupid

My BD's then BF ( now husband)had his parents bring his BD & BS to my DH's wake. Their family is wonderful like that. My SD? Her mothers sister and her husband drove 3 hours, talked only to SD only 5 min, never to me ( DH and I went to everything for their family for 25 years!) and left. Turned down family breakfast " we have stuff to do" They didn't even talk to my DH sister! HOW RUDE!  I have no family closer than 500 miles but for my BD?   BF comes and brings his parents and kids and even cousins ( who never met me and brought food like the olden days!)

there are people with manners and class and those who are clueless

Gave my BD, SD and husbands sister cards of thank you to mail to people who came for them. Only my BD did 

Sorry, but at their ages, they should have SOME sort of empathy towards ANYONE feeling grief.  I do not like that your SH is making excuses for his kids.  Tells me why (part of the reason) they are the insensitive jerks they are.  So very sorry for your loss 

So sorry for your loss.

During covid lockdown we found out my dad had terminal cancer and he passed away within 6 months. I can understand younger SS not saying anything as he doesn't live with us and he had only just turned 11 at the time but my older ss in his 20's did live with us at the time and never once mentioned it or said sorry for your loss. Don't think he's ever wished me happy birthday either. 

Some people are just so self absorbed and don't give a crap about other people.

Bereavement is one of those benchmarks that separates the wheat from the chaff, and I learned some valuable lessons after the death of my mother.

Your skids are the people their parents shaped them to be, just doing what they do. Feel free to step back now they've shown how little regard they have for you and your parents, and be grateful to know who they really are. Now you can move forward in a healthy way, not wasting your love and efforts on people who don't feel the same.