How old are they? 

My SD is 7 and I don't take her out to buy anyone gifts. I have her do some chores around the house to make some money OR she can make a gift using her craft supplies. But I don't PAY for the gifts she gives other people. 

I took SS out a couple times to buy gifts for BM - I suggested places and he chose the gifts.  He paid for them.

I always buy my kids SM and Dad gifts. We do the big holiday's. They do the same for me. My kids are 11 and 13. They pick out the gifts, and I buy. Nothing crazy but we do cutsey things for them. 

I think it is important to do for the kids for a couple of reasons. One, It shows that I don't hate their father or SM. Two, it shows that you should think about the other people in your family.

On the other hand, I have tried to do something similar for BM with SS14. SS won't be bothered to give any ideas for gifts for either his mother or father EVER so I gave up. 

I have helped my SD15 buy gifts for her mom in the past because she has asked me to help her.  I am not doing it anymore as now that she is old enough she has yet to buy anything for her father on any occasion.  I had asked her if she finished her Xmas shopping and she had said yes but there wasnt a thing for her dad, very upsetting in my eyes. 

I have helped the girls a few times facilitating gift purchasing for stuff like that.  I have even given them nominal amounts to spend on these gifts.  I rationalized it as not doing it for the EX.. but allowing the kids to have the gift of giving something to their mom.  I have explained before how horrible a gift giver my DH is.. so I kindof did this on my own..lol.

Once the kids get to be maybe 13-14.. or older.. and have "their own" money.. and opportunities to shop more often.. I think it's ok to kind of leave them to their own devices.

They are old enough for you to ask them what THEY want to do though. 

"Hey you guys.. you know Mother's day is coming up.  Did you need to go get something for your mom?  I'm going to the store saturday and you can look then if you want."  If they say "we have no money" and depending on how your DH does finances with his kids.. they may not.. you can offer to let them spend ...let's say 20/per kid?

I think I would sit the skids down and ASK THEM what they would like to see happen.  Maybe they can think of a friend of BM that could help with this project, they might have a better solution for this that doesn't include drama.  They are old enough and experienced enough to have an opinion and put a plan in place.  I also recommend planting the seed that some day soon (16ish) that they will have total ownership of gift buying duties.  

This is a good life lesson to give them so I applaud your efforts, but let the skids lead you on the solution.  

I ask the SSs if they need help getting gifts for BM for Christmas, Mother's Day, and birthday. It's a 50/50 split between "yes, we need help" and "no, GBM is taking care of it". If they need help, we set a price range and let them pick stuff out.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do this. It's based on what you want to do and what seems fair.

Why are you the one worrying about gifts for BM? I'd leave this up to their father to handle. If he gets BM a gift great, if not that's fine too. This is not something I'd stress about and allow to rent space in my mind. The main objective is for their parents to stop fighting and to get along and co-parent amicably. Once that's established everything else is secondary.

I wouldn't give this another thought, your H isn't.

Have the STwins asked to go gift shopping for BM? If not... don't worry about it.

My SS never once asked to go gift shopping for the SpermClan.  Our family has always done a big Christmas and we also do big birthdays.  The SpermClan did not celebrate Christmas and never gave a crap about it ...  until..... SS started telling them about the big deal it is in our family.  Then as the Spermidiot started expanding his brood of out of wedlock spawn by multiple additional baby mamas the SpermClan started acting like Christmas was a big deal and how they wanted SS on Christmas day.  The CO was clear. Christmas day was always my bride's day.  They were clear when we first went to court. They don't believe in or celebrate Christmas.  So the Judge gave it to my wife.

The Judge stuck to that decision when we would ask them if they were still members of their fringe Christian religion that does not celebrate or believe in Christmas.  The always answered yes so the Judge kept ruling that Christmas belonged to my wife.

SS loves shopping for gifts for people and would put a lot of thought and effort in to selecting just the right thing for his mom, for me, for my parents, for his Uncle, Aunt and Cousins. In the 16+ years we lived under the CO he never once asked to go shopping for gifts for the SpermClan.  If he had we would have gladly taken him.  We definitely never offered but he never did ask.

Even now he puts a ton of effort into shopping for gifts for people.  Though never for the SpermClan.  They trained him to treat him how they insisted on being treated.

Personally I wouldn't... But we also still owe 5K on the car Psycho took out in DH's name and proceeded to get reposessed... And on other things... Plus she's NEVER payed child support... BUT:

I've seen on here where Sms will give their skids an opportunity to earn a little bit of money and then take them shopping for a small gift. Otherwise, have you thought about getting craft supplies and letting them make a card for her instead?

Though there's also a different option. See if they bring it up first. If they do then offer a viable solution that doesn't make you broke and that they put effort into. If they don't bring it up. Then it's not really for them.

I used to take the skids shopping for their mom when they were younger...before they could drive or earn outside income. Sometimes I let them earn a little money from chores, other times I just covered it. They never chose extravagent things...some nice earrings, a candle, etc. 

I mean...sometimes it rankled that I was essentially sending BM 9 presents a year (Christmas, Birthday, Mother's Day X 3 skids) but it was really only for a couple of years before the oldest one started driving and they took over on their own. I didn't begrudge the skids being able to surprise their mom on these special days. They also always got me Mother's Day, Christmas, and Bday gifts...not through BM but through my DH...but they did ask their DH to do so / put me on the list on their own, so that was sweet.  

SO's kids are still young, so at this point I facilitate craft projects to be given to BM as gifts.  As far as buying gifts when they're older - I doubt I will.  She doesn't take them to buy anything for SO, plus her parents and siblings are local and can take the kids to buy her a gift if the kids want to.  If, like SO, she had no family in the area and no one else to help the kids get a gift, I would ask the kids if they wanted me to take them shopping, and I'd give them an opportunity to earn money to pay for a gift by doing extra chores.  This would be done for the kids, not for BM.  

While I applaud that you’re considering it, it doesn’t work for us. Our BM isn’t remarried and her parents are no longer living, and we don’t buy her anything. She has an aunt that she is close to, as well as my mother in law. They can do it.  

I wouldn’t take SS to buy his BM anything but I would have him make something. 

My skids and bios all earn money through work, outside our home, and are all old enough to shop. I do reminders only. We're custodial for all the kids and I'm trying to raise thoughtful young adults. So I remind them and occasionally help them find a better price but that's it. When they were younger, I set a budget and provided funding and transportation to the store.

Also, I never asked my husband about doing this. I just did it.

I would sit them down and make home made cards and see if they want to buy her some pretty flowers.

You can find pretty flowers at the grocery store 10 to 15bucks tops, use pretty fabric and tie with pretty bow.

That is the right thing to do at this younger age. OR if she is a starbucks fan...get her a gift card for 10bucks.

I think it is a very nice idea!!!  When either her birthday or mother's day is approaching I would ask them while they are over at your house if they want to go shopping to get a present for their mom.  

It doesn't mean you have to like BM, you are doing it for 2 kids that you seem to have a good relationship with and love.  You are being the adult in the situation and the one they can count on.  I do think that is wonderful of you!!   

I must say when my ex-husband and I first got divorced we did not get along at all.  It was actually his new wife that bridged the gap and helped that relationship be less of a strain.  Later we all got along great but her maturity and help really helped that along!!  I applaud you and I must say I applaud my ex's second wife (unfortunately he is on his third) for making everyone get along!! 

I used to take my step-children to get gifts for their mother.  It didn't matter to me whether it was my husbands money or mine it is all out of same pot and it was for the kids and to help my husband out too because I have always been the shopper!!  

I am one who is alway anti BM.  Nothing for her on any level.

BUT - I think it is very important to teach all children the importance of giving to others.  So I don't look at this as BM getting something.  I look at it as teaching young children to think of others and to give them things for holidays, birthdays, etc.

My nephew (my brother's child) lived with me when he was 6.  I took him shopping to buy something for his mother for Mother's Day. That was a new concept for him.  When we got home he even said "you mean I could have spent this on me."   I think that was an important lesson for him to learn - to buy something for someone besides himself.  He's now 36 and is a lovely considerate individual.  

We do buy gifts, but so does BD.  It's not just one sided. However, my new hubby does not get gifts, just me, from the ex.  

but here's what I think.  

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is support the child's relationship with the other parent.  

So. I think you should sit your DH down and tell him he should take the kids out to get a gift for their mother.  As awful as she may be, and as much as he may hate her it's the right thing to do. Those boys are learning lessons about being a man from him so let him teach them the right thing. 

He doesn't have to get overly involved in the purchase - just take the kids shopping, give them some money if they need it and let them choose what they think their mother would like.  Your DH can sit it out with a cup of coffee somewhere. 

The added  benefit is boys will learn that hate is not a good thing. And their father has learned it too, thus his behavior towards their mother will be ambivalent, not hostile.