You, or more specifically your SO, are definitely being taken advantage of.

However, the easiest way for you to resolve your resentment is to disengage from your SO's adult children (and grandchildren). You can read plenty about disengagement on these boards. You don't have to make any big announcement that you will not have anything to do with his daughter/gskids, you just stop doing it.

Not sure how long you and your SO have been together, nor what your financial situation is like, so it's hard to comment on the "expense you take on." If you are helping foot the bill in any way for his ASD to visit (food, etc.) then you need to make it clear that you will no longer do it. Same goes if you are footing more of the household expenses if your SO is not making enough money due to taking time off of work.

If you are retired, then you should be enjoying this very special time of your life. You should not be worrying about someone else's adult kids.

Likewise, you should have a partner in life who wants to be focused on YOUR lives together and making YOUR priorities the most important, not jumping and running whenever ASD gives him a call.

I hope you have not entangled yourself too much financially with this man, and that you have an exit strategy planned. I don't see this situation changing, to be honest.

Grandpa could offer to have the grandkids for the weekend occasionally in your home. That means Grandpa doing the kiddie work, cooking and cleaning though. The parents could meet DH half way each exchange.

You could come and go and do as you please while the grandkids are they. Help when and if you want to. It would be easier in your own home. You'd have freedom, as I mentioned, and DH would probably be more comfortable too.

No, I would not like being used as the babysitter. It was the statement of how Dad/you get a few hour visit and then off they go to stay at the other grandparents house that formed my opinion. Pfft. Let that Grandma go running off to spend her time and gas when summoned.

Grandpa and you are being used. I bet the other grandparent won't do it, so your DH and you get asked.

Since part of this problem is financial, let DH pay for the travel and time off with his own money. Make sure to schedule firm dates for vacation time for just the two of you. Then disengage from SD. Don't even mention it to DH - just do it. When you take yourself out of thr equation both emotionally and financially it makes BIG difference.

Two viewpoints this is a difficult situation because it is cutting into your time with DH at a real vacation. Plus they are being ride for not being thankful.
I have two suggestions for possibly changing the parameters. When you do go there stay longer than they need. And use their pad to do fun things. Explain you want to get the most out of their plane ticket.
2. When they are coming over plan an event for the family together. She should be more proactive in the relationship.
Actually all of the above should be done by DH. I know this isn't perfect but it does change up the routine a bit.

What other posters have said about removing yourself from the domestic slave role is key. It sounds like your routine involves, like most women, doing all the food prep, cleanup, helpful stuff at the expense of YOUR leisure time and your pocketbook.

1. Do not accompany him when he goes to babysit. Let him experience the full brunt of all the mundane chores around the littleuns.
2. Either avoid being at the cabin when they visit, or just go limp and helpless and moan about needing help in the.kitchen. I once used a zip on cast to fake a bad ankle so the skids would do their chores. Be aggressively vocal when they arrive that you have a role for each person who is visiting since last time you were worn out by doing everything! If they try to guilt you, or ignore you, then DH can do without your presence at the cabin too.
3. Take every chance you can to develop an interest (I love the swimming pool) and plan your time there to coincide with the skid visits. I have some great swims then lounge around the club while DH entertains, and generally finds out that life isn't all fun and games with gkids.

The whole aim is to stop allowing yourself to put their needs first. This is your time to enjoy life, save for retirement, and if DH wants gkids to be part of his enjoyment, then be clear that he can do that on his own.

I've done this to DH and lately I notice he's starting to mention what a pain they are...my answer, set some boundaries hun.

PS. Selfish is not necessarily a bad thing when folks show they have no boundaries. As them for a contribution to costs next time they try to piggyback your vaca.

No, you are definitely not being selfish. It is simply inconsiderate of the ASD and her hubby to expect each and every time she and hubby go on a trip to call up dadee and expect that he drive 350 miles each way to babysit. Seriously, that is selfish of ASD and her husband, not you. Even to expect a younger relative to do this is selfish. Your DH is being taken advantage of.

Your ASD and her hubby need to find a trustworthy babysitter closer to where they live or take their child with them. Why does dadee have to drive that far to babysit? That is terrible to ask an older parent to do this. Ugh!

As far as the cabin visits, I would tell my DH when I go there it is to RELAX and not have to deal with noise and be a hostess, cook, maid, etc. Your DH should respect that and ask the ASD and family stay elsewhere and perhaps visit if they like for a short time.

I witnessed how my mother was taken advantage of by a sibling who kept thinking grandma was their personal babysitter. It wore my mother out. I see it happening with some of our older relatives too. These adult skids thinking gramps and grandma are at their beckon call to babysit their brood whenever they want. B.S! You have a right to relax in your home and cabin and enjoy this time in your life. You should not have to bring up other people's kids. While it can be nice to see the grandkids, it is also nice to hand them back to mommy and daddy. I don't understand why some of these skids have kids to begin with if all they do is just keep pawning off the poor kids to other people.

Good luck with all this.

It is intrusive in your life for this to be happening. I don't know how long this has been going on, but YOU need to set boundaries for yourself.

My DH and I went through this very situation, while our Gkids were small. SD took advantage of every free moment we had for dinners, babysitting, camp trips, when and where she wanted. It drove me crazy, but I let it go on for years, to keep a "happy family" for my DH's sake. Finally one day I decided nobody appreciated what we were doing and I made up my mind to change it.

I finally told DH I didn't want to participate any longer. I did this one event at a time. There were times I would go with DH and be part of the trip or whatever. I always incorporated some fun for DH and I on a trip to SD's castle. It didn't include her or gkids. I continued to disengage from the babysitting, and doing things at her house. I stayed home and let my DH go alone and when SD brought gkids to our house, I planned an outing with GF's and let DH handle it between him and SD.

Yep! It didn't take long before that was not DH's cup of tea. He began making excuses to SD and no longer played her games. She became very defiant and that's a whole new post here.

I'm thinking if you stay home, have a nice dinner and drink for your DH when he returns; have your hair done, nails done, spa, whatever while he's away. You DH will visit when he wishes, but I'm betting it will curb and not be so convenient for him, if you are not along doing all the chores, while he enjoys his visit with his DD and Gkids. Let him go anytime and as long as he wishes; you break away and see what happens. I do not invite SD or her immediate family to our home or anywhere else. That is up to DH. When they do visit our home, it is also up to him to offer them cold drinks, or snacks; then it is up to SD to get them for herself. I am civil and respectful; thus I never give up my territory for SD and everyone is well aware of where I stand. These are boundaries that work for me. I haven't invited them for dinner or hosted them in any way for years; I totally disengaged from SD for many reasons, which I have previously posted; but I began with no more babysitting years ago.

Keep us posted on it too. It will take some time, but let us know how it's going. Enjoy your time to relax and have a break from it all. I still do this with DH, SD, and grown Gkids today. They have their own time and enjoy; I have my time and enjoy. It works, believe me. Separate all of SD and Gkids from your marriage and you and DH will appreciate your time together even more.

It sure sounds to me like the SD has no real interest in spending time with her dad and only uses him for babysitting services. I'm sure your DH probably doesn't see it that way or mind going there to babysit because he loves the GKs and wants to spend time with them. He also may be afraid to tell the SKs "no," out of fear they'll get mad at him and end the limited contact they do have. In my experience, a SM who points this out to her DH is "the bad guy." If I were you, I'd let DH go do this on his own. I would put my foot down if it reached a point you & your DH could not take a vacation because he used all his days babysitting for SD.

Also, I would avoid any time with the SKs or SGKs in a situation where you have to be their maid. We went on a vacation with my oldest SS23, his wife & 2 DDs where we rented a large house. Despite being grown "adults," SKs would make a mess in the kitchen & not clean up after themselves. My DH & I decided to cook one meal in because we were paying for everything on the trip and it was expensive for the group to eat out. My SS & SDIL sat contentedly never even offering to help while I prepared all the sides and my DH grilled the meat. I told DH it was my vacation, too, and I wasn't going to be a maid to grown adults & if he wanted to, he could. From that point on, I took care of my own few dishes & let DH clean up after SS & family. While I felt bad, I think DH realized how ridiculous it was, as at the end of the trip, he said we'd never rent a house like that with SS & family again. He was disappointed in them, but there was not much he could say. I'd do the same thing in your situation & tell my DH if he wanted to visit with SD & family in your cabin, or if you do go with him to babysit, you won't be lifting a finger for them. It's sad that it has to be this way, but that's often the reality of a step situation.

My SD and her husband did not have kids but a similar situation happened with her animals. Whenever they went away they would drop off their dogs. They never asked me if it was convenient, just dropped them off. They ruined a favorite pair of my shoes, which they did not offer to pay for. They also ruined a beautiful 12'x14' living room rug, also not offering to pay for it. They never offered to take care of our dogs - ever. So, even though these were animals, I DO understand how you would feel resentment about SD's attitude that you are not as important enough to have a life of you own. This along with the fact that SD never offered to pick up after herself or offer to pay for a meal out did not help the situation.

As I wrote before, let DH pay for the babysitting trips out of his own pocket. Schedule vacations for the two of you with firm dates. Then disengage from SD. It doesn't sound as if she really wants to have a relationship with you anyway.

Justlisten I so identify with this situation, as I was part of this set up of convenience that meant by OSD said 'jump' and DH asked 'how high?' For years I was constantly telling DH he was being used as a free babysitter by his daughter, and he could never see it. We had the grandskids here many times and went there, as I felt my place was being supportive at his side.
The difference for me, which I think some people here don't get, was that is was all her convenience. We once babysat so she could go out with BM- when I asked if BM would babysit for us the same way he just didn't see what I meant.
DH would never see the grandskidswhen he wanted, only when they needed us to babysit. It drove me mad, as I would never have treated my parents this way. I find it disrespectful and rude.
Yes, I babysit for my own daughter- she lives further away so I always have to sleep over, and I'll tell them to go out together for a few hours whilst I'm there, and they appreciate it and never take me for granted. They have no other family to babysit and have only gone out a few times in four years when I have been there.
OSD, however, goes out all the time, and has a long list of babysitters.
When I finally disengaged from OSD he went babysitting by himself- he had to sleep in his daughter's bed and then looked after the kids all the next day before she 'decided' she would come home.
Funny- that was the last time he went to babysit and they have not been here since either.
I know what it is to be a doormat- but I learned my lesson the hard way and it is not easy watching other doormats lying down so that their children can walk all over them.
However, I don't think your DH will listen to you- mine hasn't. My advice would be to let him go alone- it won't be long before he stops going... but he may not approve of your methods. I'm still on the receiving end of DH's 5 month long sulk!

No....just no.

We are approaching this stage in life with my SD as well. We have already discussed that we will not be doing this type of expensive babysitting. We both still work and are looking forward to our time.

IF he were to take on this favor, the. SD needs to pay for travel. However, asking your parent to take time off from their job is ridiculous! Hire someone!

No....just no.

We are approaching this stage in life with my SD as well. We have already discussed that we will not be doing this type of expensive babysitting. We both still work and are looking forward to our time.

IF he were to take on this favor, the. SD needs to pay for travel. However, asking your parent to take time off from their job is ridiculous! Hire someone!

TBH, I guess it would depend on how frequent the babysit trips are and how difficult the financial situation is.

DH may need to work but in a general sense, the cost of his trips to visit his grandbabies may not translate into any significant financial hurt for their household. They also have a vacation cabin themselves and have had the kids visit them there too. Perhaps his need to work is related to needing insurance, or a lessor financial gap filler and not.. "I need to flip burgers for minimum wage or we won't be able to eat this week".

It sounds like the kids have acted like, well, kids. Even adult children can carry on that subordinate role to their parents expecting that parents will buy dinner when they go out and not expect the typical etiquette that an unrelated host would expect. The problem is that her DH is the dad.. but she is not the mother. So, she sees them as adults that should do better, but they see themselves as their dad's kids and he has always treated them to things and not asked nor expected "repayment".

It also sounds like the DH enjoys the time he can spend with his grands. So, to a certain extent, unless it is causing a financial hardship and it isn't expected too often, it may be something that the OP might want to try to avoid resenting. She can stay home and do things she wants instead. Maybe if it's happening too often she can ask her DH to set some limits with his child.

It's also ok for her to ask for help and contributions from his children. You're coming to visit this weekend to the cabin? Great. Can you pick up some steaks and salad fixings with a couple bottles of wine for the group for Saturday night. We are all out of toilet paper and paper towels... please be a dear and pick them up on the way.

I think sometimes looking at people's intention is important and can help to be less annoyed. I don't think the kids are intentionally trying to hurt anyone, they are just doing what dad has always allowed and offered. They split their time with their mother and perhaps stay with her because she has more room? maybe they sense a chill from the new wife? Who knows, but it isn't likely an attempt to avoid dad because they DO come and spend several hours there.

Time for a spreadsheet. Fill out all of the expenses and time. With them on one side of the balance sheet and you and DH on the other. Then sit down with DH, review it, and if necessary... roll it up and smack him about the head and shoulders with it vigorously until he gains some clarity (figuratively on the smacking of course).

We spend a lot of time at my parents home. When we are with them we make a very concerted effort to participate in their lives and cover the cost of our presence. If we go out..... after years of diving for my wallet in competition to get the bill before my dad does we came to a compromise of splitting the check down the middle. It works fine when it is jus the four of us but when our son is there my dad gets a smug grin because he picks up half anyway even though there are three of us and two of them. I let him enjoy his support of his family but ..... I then make sure to so other things.

When our son was young we avoided dropping him at my parents for them to watch him. We just didn't want to be those people. My brother and his wife on the other hand.... they would dump their three on mom and dad regularly and often without much notice. This has always irked me to no end. Anytime my niece and nephews were dumped on my parents our phone would ring and mom would ask for us to drop our kid off for a visit. She loved having them. We would always make it clear that we didn't want to impose but ..... there is no saying no to my 5'2" very determined southern lady mom. She likes having her grand spawn swarming around her any time she can make it happen.

Now... when we visit my wife's family.... we usually are the ones to pick up all of the bill regardless of how many people are there or what we are doing. It is the only way that we can get their participation and since I want my wife to enjoy activities with her family that is what we do. They wouldn't participate otherwise. It chaps my ass because my family is all about making time and effort with each other while hers is about who is on the shit list of the moment.

Anyway... I would make it a point to start asserting your perspective a bit to foster a change that will reduce your irritation and hopefully help your DH gain some clarity so he can start improving the equity in his relationship with his daughter's family.

Good luck.