I’ve been married for seven years. When we got married my wife had 2 children, her daughter was 17 and lived with her and a son age 20 who lived with his biological father. Her daughter has been nothing short of amazing since I moved in with them, except for regular teenager problems. She has had a job since she was seventeen until recently so she can focus on grad school. She always remembers my birthday and goes out of her way to make sure she does something special for me for Father’s Day.
Her son on the other hand is the polar opposite. He suffers from OCD, which he is in denial about, and depression and refuses to get help. When he finally went to therapy my wife went with him once a month only to find out he was lying to his therapist. A couple of months after we were married he called my wife and told her his father, a real loser by anyone’s opinion, was going to throw him out for not pay rent and he need $1,500 to pay him. Since we lived in a 2-bedroom apartment at the time, we gave him the money. Not even a week later he showed up at our apartment with new car. A few months later we moved into a 2-bedroom house after asking him if there was any chance he was going to move in with us. We would have bought a 3 bedroom if he said yes. 6 months after we moved he called and said he lost his job, again, and needed a place to live. Knowing his father was an abusive person we let him. We decided to finish our basement with a bedroom and living room. Something we were planning on doing but not right away because money was tight even though I’m a carpenter and the cost was considerably less than the average homeowner would pay. He was sleeping in our living room and treating it like his bedroom while I did the work. Piles of dirty clothes on the floor and chairs, leaving the blankets and pillows on the couch for us to pick up when we wanted to use it, and sleeping all day while a friend I hired to help and I worked 12 hours a day working for a place for him to stay. He never once asked if or how he could help. It was obvious he made sure to mess things up and get in the way so we would tell him to leave when his mother made him come down to help. He slept all day and refused to look for a job. His mother finally had enough and drove him around to look for a job. A job he soon lost, just one in many, for being late and other problems. After only having a job for 1-1/2 out of 3-1/2 years of living with us, refusing to do any housework without being yelled at 50 times to do it, leaving messes everywhere, a constant barrage of insulting comments to everyone in the house, stealing our car in the middle of the night, spending $800-900 a month on fast food while not paying rent, destroying our bathroom beyond repair, and many other things you had to see to believe, my wife told him to move out. He moved in with a friend for two months before his friend got wise and threw him out. Then another friend with the same results. Then back with his father. He made it one year before he had to move back in with us. He’s been living with us for over a year now and has kept the same job, delivering pizzas 25 hours a week, but not much else has changed. In fact, it’s worse. Recently I learned he’s been telling his grandparents, and probably other relatives, that I’m violent and unpredictable. I found out when my step daughter told their grandmother I was giving her a ride home from college. Her grandmother told her she was worried about it and she should find another ride because of what he told her. My step daughter laughed and stood up for me. I sleep with my door locked and a chair propped against the handle. I refuse to take a nap in my living room. He’s never showed violent behavior but he sporadically takes his meds, and I feel he is getting desperate and could be capable of murder-suicide.
His M.O. is to lie to someone by claiming to be the victim, use them for whatever he needs, and then get mad and turn on them when they get wise and cut him off. He then claims to be the victim again to someone else to continue the cycle. Everyone is wise to this now and won’t speak to him. His mental disabilities, which he fails to admit, will stop his mother from letting him be homeless. I really can’t blame her. I am thinking I will be living with him for the rest of my life. We wish to move out of state in a few years and build our own house but it’s out of the question if he’s living with us. We have even talked about selling our house, which we love, to buy a house with a separate apartment attached but don’t have the money right now. Let me state this clearly. Except for the possibility of violence, my wife is not in denial about him at all. I would have no problem telling her him or me if not for the disabilities. Every forum I’ve read the biological parent is in denial about their child. We both are out of ideas. Is there anyone who has experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas?