Need advice...SO asked me and my kids to move out
I really need some advice! I have been with my fiance for just over 2 years. He has 3 kids (12, 16 and 18) while I have 2 kids (4 and 6). About a year ago I started sleeping over at his house while his kids were there and mine were at their dads. We had all 5 kids hang out during the weekends and even did a family vacation last year. We had some issues and broke up a few times over the 2 years but nothing that lasted more than a couple of weeks. We got engaged 3 months ago and he told me it was time for my kids to now move in, that we would add 2 bedrooms to the basement so that everyone would have their own room. In fact, his 12yo and my 6yo wanted to move down there so they could "bond" as the 12yo told me.
At first things seemed great. Since we were short on bedrooms, the 18yo wanted my 4yo to sleep with her (they are very close) and my 6yo slept on an air mattress in another bedroom with his 12yo (she asked me to have my girl sleep in there). It's the 16yo that has been the issue. She has never liked me and has made comments to her dad how she's uncomfortable with me there. I've done everything I can to make her like me (I cook dinner for her, do her laundry, clean her dishes, and listen to her stories) but she still doesn't like me. She has never told me straight out how she feels, just tells her dad.
Well I started moving in my furniture one piece at a time and you could see her face change when she would see it. When we cleared out the basement, the 16yo demanded that she and her little sister share the basement and not my 6yo. Unfortunately, the basement went on hold waiting for a window and nothing else has been done. Now this is where things start to get strange. His ex-wife (that cheated on him during their marriage and left him 3 years ago) just broke up with her bf and is all of a sudden being very nice to my fiance. She has told him she's going to counseling, is sorry for what she's done and wants to sit down and talk to him. She even asked him to go with her to AZ for their 18yo's college orientation. This coming from a lady that just 3 months ago was yelling at him in a parking lot. My fear is his kids now see this as a great chance to get them back together. On Father's day, the 16yo once again complained that she didn't like me and my kids living there. As a result, my fiance has asked us to move out for an unknown amount of time. He even said he had no desire to finish the basement (excuse being it's summer and he wants to relax). After much arguing, he agreed to start the basement and this weekend we installed the window. He did tell me though that even if the basement gets completed, that doesn't mean I can move back in. It will depend on how his daughters feel. Why does his 16yo get to decide when he can have me move in? I asked him what her reasons were for not liking me living there and he said she's a child and doesn't need a reason. That she needs to be first and that I'm the adult and need to understand. What I'm feeling is he's teaching his daughter that she can complain and get what she wants. And that her happiness is more important than anyone else in our blending family.
Does the ex coming back into his life scare me? Absolutely. He says he has no desire to go back with her yet he's agreed to sit down with her (I think they met last night). They were together for 20yrs and he’s still not over the cheating. I just think he’s playing with fire if he’s not telling her straight out that he’s moved on (yes she knows we’re engaged). As of yesterday morning, I moved my kids out and haven't spoken to him since. We're still engaged but I don't know when I'll see him next. Am I wrong in insisting that I continue living there? Will his kids change their minds and want us to move in again even though we're never there? Doubt it! I love my fiance with all my heart but I just feel like me and my kids don't really matter to him. He says we have 40+ years together so what's the rush now to live together. Help!
BTW - we both have 50/50 custody of our kids so with me moving out, I will only get to spend every other week with him and that's assuming I can still spend the night when I don't have my kids.
Think long and hard over this
Think long and hard over this one,give it some time as it sounds like ex is still in his life!!
He's not playing with fire,
He's not playing with fire, he's keeping his options open. He moved you out because he doesn't want the ex to think he's actually all that serious with you.
This seems to get posted a lot - the ex cheated, the couple divorced, so why is she acting interested now that he's with someone else?
Well, one thing to remember, some people cheat because they are just louses but some people are living with unmet needs, spouses who work too much. It is not always clear cut and dried that she cheated therefore she's the terrible one.
Another thing to remember, when one person breaks up with another, the one who is broken up with often has an unresolved need for some type of reconciliation - some kind of validation that they didn't really get rejected.
He may be hurt and angry and upset but he has a lot of history with her and they have those kids together. I sort of get the feeling that you chase him more than he chases you.
Keep yourself busy, do things and occupy yourself with what makes you happy, see if he comes back around because he actually misses you, not because the ex rejected him again.
My gut instinct is telling me
My gut instinct is telling me SO is using the 16yo as an excuse when the truth is more about his ex. I have a feeling he just does not want the ex to know he moved in another woman.
Also, I did find it slightly creepy that the 18yo "wants" to room with a 4yo and the 12yo "wants" to room with a 6yo. That just doesn't sit right.
I often advise parents that
I often advise parents that for the childrens attitudes on life and especially marriage that the parents not marry or shack up with anyone until the children are out of high school. This keeps the parents focused on their own children and the children can see they are the most important people in their parents life. None of the conflicts of second families and step-children come up.
Studies continue to show that children of re-married/living in parents do worse in life that those whose parents are seperated but don't remarry. You're kinda in-between in that you've already demonstrated that its OK to move in but you also managed to demonstrate why its a good idea not to. I.e. it didn't work out. The reason doesn't matter - it didn't work out.
So my advise remains the same. Don't move back or marry anyone. Do as you were doing by dating but leave your kids out of it. If your relationship with this guy manages to outlast that requirement then you can safely say he has moved way beyond his ex wife and his girl will have well gotten on with her life also.
This is such BS! No
This is such BS! No relationships until the kids grow up! When do kids get to realize that there is a natural order and they are not first! That is so unhealthy.
That is his answer for
That is his answer for everything.
That is his answer for
That is his answer for everything.
Awww no, now lets be fair -
Awww no, now lets be fair - he does have TWO stock answers for everything - the other one being no matter what the problem or situation "disengage"
LMAO
The 16 year old wants you out
The 16 year old wants you out of the way, most kids desire their parents back together because that's safer for them, the devil they know so to speak. BM got a shock when you got engaged, maybe it jolted her to her senses?
That, or she's manipulating your fiance and recruiting the 16 year old to help her. I think I'd be accepting dates from other guys, enjoying a vacation or generally doing my own thing for a while. Up until he actually makes an actual marraige commitment he's not going to devote himself to you.
Another perspective is him sitting down and talking with her could be a positive thing in one sense, it could pave the way for a more amicable co parenting arrangement, it's 50/50 right? I'd be keeping my options open if I were you, regardless of what they are going to do. I'd be calm when I spoke with him, nothing you can say or do will influence his choices anyway, right? Ask him for honesty with you, tell him how you feel about him and ask him to keep you posted with changes. Meanwhile...LIVE IT UP!
Before I got halfway through
Before I got halfway through the story, I figured out the problem with sd16. The other siblings paired up with a new roommate and sd16 was left alone. Typical middle child syndrome, too, to grumble the loudest. This isn't rocket science.
That said, the root of the problem is your fiance. DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE. HE WILL NOT. I agree 100% w/ OCC. I will tell you that even though my bf and I did not move in together, I still could not make it work with him because he OVERLY did it with putting kids first. It's a long story, but if they put the kids first, they will always be first, and if you don't mind ALWAYS being second you will do okay. Having been through what I just went through, I would drop a man at the first sign of this. My bf and I did break up a few times, just like you and your fiance have. The final break up was AWESOME. I have no feelings left because I did what I could to make it work for us both, to no avail. If the man doesn't want it, find one that does.
re-reading your post: It
re-reading your post:
It bothers that me that you got engaged and he told you to move in. Not the two of you reaching a mutual agreement - he told you to move in and then he told you to move out.
idk I still think he more about signaling availability to the ex than moving forward into a committed relationship with you.
Not only should you move out,
Not only should you move out, you should move on. This man is not over his ex. If she hadn't cheated on him, they would still be married. I
If the ex says the word, he'll run right back to her
He's keeping you around as an option if things don't work out with his first choice. Don't allow him to treat you as second best.
Oh, a 4 and 6 year old have no business sharing rooms with his teens.
Disney nailed it!
Disney nailed it!
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses. It's following what my friends are also telling me. To me, being engaged is a commitment so even though I won't be going out looking for men, I will try to live my life without relying on him. I know in my heart he loves me and won't go back to his ex. Maybe he just wants that validation from her that she screwed up and she now has to live with it.
My biggest fear is what one post said...his kids will always be first. It doesn't matter that we're miserable when we're apart. If it's what she wants, she gets it. The 16yo never tried to bond with my kids, never played with them. Just more self consumed in her life and her bf. And me being in the picture takes her daddy's focus away from her.
I have told him he and his bd are calling the shots. That he needs to be the parent and tell her we're moving in and that she needs to accept it. And that if he's not being honest with me, that his kids aren't the main reason for me moving out, that he needs to tell me. But he's still insisting it's because of them. I don't know what to believe.
Hey msjennifer, Tbh I can see
Hey msjennifer,
Tbh I can see where his 16 year old is coming from regarding not wanting to play with your kids and being consumed with her bf. That's typical teenager behaviour and I don't think you can blame her for not being bothered about kids. My sister wasn't all that interested in our younger brother and that's her biological brother. BUT you OH is completely in the wrong. He should NOT be allowing a 16 year old to dictate how he lives his life and that to me is sending out the message that they will always come first. Are you really prepared to be second for the rest of your life? Whether it's second to his kids or second to BM, only you or him know that. But surely you and your kids deserve better than this.
To be honest, I think the 16
To be honest, I think the 16 year old is the only one acting like a normal teen. Kids that age do not want to bond with 4 and 6 year olds. What teen WANTS to share a room with kids that young? Something isn't right with those two teens.
^^This completely. You're
^^This completely.
You're engaged, he's asked you to move in and now to move out? He's playing you and he doesn't consider this engagement to be any kind of real commitment. You need to take care of yourself and yours kids, because this kind of instability isn't going to be good for them, and move on.
Give him the ring back, tell him best of luck with his 16 year old mistress and his ex-wife and find someone that actually cares about their relationship with You.
^^^^ This too!
^^^^ This too!
I think your FDH is using
I think your FDH is using your 16 y/o SD as a excuse for you to move out. More going on to it then you think or we can see. Move on, you'll be thanking us later.
Jen, the fact that he let's
Jen, the fact that he let's his daughter decide weather or not you should live there or not answers all questions.He is not a good man, he is not committed.Why would you even consider to move back in against his will?
This engagement would be called off for me.Since when would you treat your future wife like that?
I'd be done with the SOB
I'd be done with the SOB immediately and permanently. It's never going to get any better sweetie. That kid is going to call the shots - always. You deserve so much better!!
Not to mention that he has
Not to mention that he has shown such a lack of care towards YOUR very young kids! Talk about messing with their lives, move in - move out - it all affects them, and you need to tell him to get his act together as you won't have yourself or your children treated with such callous disregard!
What a wanker - his daughter comes first but he just pulls your kids strings as he fancies. Sorry honey, but you deserve so much better and so do your girls.