Very very true!!!! I think these parents think that not only are they helping which they are not but I think some associate it with love which again it is not, others don't want to hear the child's pleas or upset them so it is pacifier but none of it chnages the picture. It makes the parent miserable in the process and the child has no way to respect what has been done for them because they didn't have to earn it themselves.

I have a good friend that has 3 adult children, all of which live in one of the 2 houses the parents themselves own. The kids do not pay rent, have been unemployed a big portion of the time and when my friend checked on her house it was well abused. The 2 boys were busted with DUI, one was dismissed from the military, one set their truck on fire just for the fun of it, an auto the parents had bought. These are all bio children and my friend keeps thinking she is helping her kids, paying for their trips, buying them groceries. It is just insane what she cannot see.

My SS moved in with his mom while he was in college. She was going thru a divorce and he thought, at least he said, he coudl help her with the bills. Ha! He quit work, partied, she bought his gas giving him her credit card. Somehow without a job he bought a new car. No doubt she did all of this out of guilt, she walked away from him when he was 4! Sick situation!

They are absolutely selfish. They give to adult children to make themselves feel better and in hope of these kids liking them. They emotionly cripple their kids, stunt their emotional growth and prevent them from becoming responsible self sufficient adults. They fear their kids being independent because then they won't need daddy. So while everyone who knows them cant stand them, daddy loves it because the less friends and the unhealthier their lives the more daddy feels needed.

People think daddy is all about his kids but the truth is the only person daddies like these care about are themselves. They happily destroy the lives of their own children so daddy can feel special and needed.

When people say how perfect their lives are, I assume they are in denial. None of us have it easy. I remind myself that these are first world problems and that we could be dealing with a much deeper level of trial and tribulation. Let's all rise above and try to accept our gladness, step out of the furnace, and just warm ourselves with the knowing that this too shall pass.

Touche. When I moved in w/DH and SD (25 at the time) she had no rules, no chores, no structure and did as she pleased. DH would get angry at me for calling her out on her behavior/actions because he wanted to stay in her good graces . .even if it meant dishonoring me. He wanted to know where she was and who she was with at all times. It was ridiculous and pathetic. SD's word meant nothing and I couldn't believe this was the daughter that DH had held so high on a pedestal. She was a horrible, evil person.

I recently told DH that I regretted getting married, regretted moving in w/him and SD (against my better judgement because I'd previously postponed our wedding because SD insisted on living w/us) and told him if I could do it over again I would have waited for SD to move out. I also told him it was his fault that SD and I don't have a relationship because he moved me into a house of hell and instead of lavishing in newlywed bliss, I was subjected to a immature SD's nasty acts and petty foolishness.

DH was shocked, but now when he goes to visit SD and I decline, I no longer have to make excuses because he knows seeing her is at the bottom of my priority list.

Yep too scared that they will lose the rosy relationship they think they have.

I love reading these posts. I feel more connected than I have for a couple of years.

"The rosy relationship they think they have."

So familiar. My SD was calling all the shots when I met her. Do you think grown men really want to be popular that much? Could be part of it. In my case I thought he was struggling with divorced parent guilt. I also feel guilty and concerned that my child has been ripped off being the child of divorce. Then I stop and just calm down and get on with good parenting with boundaries and discipline and all that. I think DH gave SD everything and spoiled her because he was worried about the impact of divorce. I think she played it for all it was worth. Why wouldn't she?

DH has woken up and values our marriage as the centre of our family. Thankyou to me for being strong and refusing to compromise on fundamental family values and the necessity to raise children as independent self-sufficient human beings. Thankyou also to a very sensible and practical counsellor who explained to him "Your relationship with your wife is first, it is the foundation of the family. Your children's needs are next because without a strong relationship with your wife how would you meet them. Your children's wants are last."

SD is going to struggle in the world is my prediction. I certainly hope not for her sake. It is not her fault she was raised to not cope.

What can you do?

Whilst DH has improved, he is still harbouring guilt I reckon. "It must be so hard going between households." about SD. "This generation are all home bodies and live with their parents forever." Justifications, guilt, laziness. Blah blah blah.

I can't say much as my son, my husband's SS, caused me and husband tons of problems. I kept just hoping this time it would be different and he would grow up and be responsible. But he never showed any motivation to move out and take care of himself. Had to kck him out or my husband had had enough and was leaving... Which in turn he then allowed him back and took the next big blow up to get him to step up and get out, he is 22 years old. But since his life has came more together, he is now married and holding a job. Things had gotten so bad they were denying each other, my husband is the only dad my son has ever known and it was breaking my heart. But things are so much better now and I just hope that their relationship can continue to grow and someday will be the same father/son relationship they had before my son's crazy teenage years.