I think I need to read your backstory.  How does SD know that things are difficult with you and her dad? 

One way or the other, this girl needs a reality check.  You're the Wife.  The NEW Wife.  The dysfunctional family dynamic that she is a product of, is now completely defunct.  This is the new family dynamic, and for this idiot to think that she can pretend that the old family still exists, is frighteningly delusional. 
Don't answer this toxic crap.  ...and don't attend anymore of their crazy shit shows either.  This girls is as sick as my ysd.  Hugs to you.

what did your husband sahy about her text?

also, once the brother is back from his honeymoon he needs to be forwarded this and then grey rock them both. what a shitty thing to do

I have read this several times before responding. You are absolutely NOT being petty about not inviting that witch to your home. In fact, she would not be welcome in my home ever again. Since she loves her daddy time so much, so be it. DH can see her away from the maritial home. It can work. It's how we operate in this home. 

You mentioned the brother being very upset about what she did. Has he reached out?? Was his sister being truthful about his feelings and everyone else?? If so, DH should be celebrating Christmas Eve with both his kids and the extended family away from your home.

I'm assuming you did not you attend this shit show??? Wow. I'm floored. That's probably one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen via this board. I'm so sorry. And if her brother was truly upset, she single handedly ruined her brother's wedding. I cannot imagine how everyone must have felt, knowing that text went out. Jeez. What a ugly bitch.

I re-read your post again. Your DH does not want her there. That is your answer. Stick with it. Let that horrible human being celebrate Christmas Eve with someone else.

What a cowardly sneaky stunt to pull.

Did you go to the wedding?

I DO think she knows her father is an alcoholic.  I really can't comment on it all without enough info. But. BUT.  I would tell her that it works both ways. She doesn't want you then guess what?  She's not welcome to be in your life anymore. Bye bye to her.   

So she wants just mummy and daddy present. It sounds to me as if she's the one who hasn't understood that life goes on. How did your husband react to this? 

It is personal. It is hateful. It is unforgiveable.

Not to mention she's a contradictory a-hole by saying she doesn't want to talk to you about this or anything else, but then mentions the next time she sees you. 

Guess what?  That's not ever happening. Take her at her word and rub your DH's face in it every time it comes up. Remind him that SD said she does not want you in her life and you are obliging her. Tell him he needs to make it clear to SD right NOW that if anything happens to him (DUI, liver disease, whatever...) that you will NOT be informing her of his condition and will only be communicating with SS.

Do not allow her in your home. Do not invite her to anything.  Do not recognize her (or her family, if she has one) on birthdays, holidays, etc. She made it clear she doesn't want you in her life so do exactly that. 

As of that text, she would be dead to me. 

Shit people are wiped and flushed. Not embraced.

I would respond and say ... I will be at my husbands side. You and the rest of your mentioned drivel are irrelevant.  Stay away from me and do not open your mouth to expose your idiocy, and future time together will be fine.  Open your mouth, and I will bare your ass highlighting your idiocy. Let everyone else know as well since you seem to have appointed yourself the spokes-idiot for you and your failed family.  Get ready for the facts sweet heart. Your delusion leaves me no alternative but to rub your nose in the factual stench you perpetrate in your delusional disconnection from reality.  Buh-bye.

Ever. Unless a sincere apology is issued followed by a history of change. 

Bitch! I wouldn't allow her anywhere near me or my home let alone welcome her into my house! She made her position and feelings very clear. She actually made your choices very easy. If she doesn't want to be a part of your life, fine. Less for you to worry about. What an obnoxious POS she is. 

Says her brothers then fiance and fiancés parents were panicking about your oresence when really it was all her

hun, soon after i had my son, it was a really stressful year for us. One of hubbys adult nieces decided to trashtalk me on social media. Her brother was about to get married and because of this bitch, we were not going. We wanted time alone to just be happy.
 

Her brother who is extremely close with my husband because he sees him as a mentor with great connections and high level of education that he can advise him better on studies and career progression etc, was very angry with his sister tellig her off that her big mouth was ruining his impending happy day. That niece actually coaxed her brother to hand 10grand to a pyramid scheme business of hers that he still hates her for

it got to a point that hubbys sisters, brothers including eldest brother (father of this niece) told him to come and not throw the family away.

all my husband said was that we needed time alone and people like his daughter were bot conducive to family harmony and instead of lecturing hubby about family relations, he needed to take a good hard look at his daughter and handle her (he forward screenshots of her nasty posts). 
 

nobody in family likes that niece or her mum, they are from thesame cloth. In the end we did go and niece was livid when we were put at main table (as sign of respect in asian culture) and the familywa ted to apologise for her. My sil carried our son happily and we all got along

weddings are a place to unite 2 families together, to celebrate happiness. Not bring up vindictive petty bullshit of dysfunctional exes and marriages. She is bringher past bs into it. I don't believe for a moment the then new fiances parents were panicking about your presence. Sd is full of shit. You know what we do with people like that?? We remove their power of control over our lives.

cut her out, no contact and no presence in your outings, events and family holidays etc. when she plays victim a few yrs from now what a horrible person you are, all that is reqd is a screenshot of her nasty message with a caption "returning the favour and what did you expect would happen. My life will not be subject to your presence or toxicity, goodbye"

This is cruel. 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine the multitude of feelings you are having over this. I am happy that your SS is supportive, however, your DH needs to step up, in many ways (I already have a list of 5 things) in support of you, your relationship together, and your family together.

Time to shape up DH, or ship out! If you don't see any progress within your predetermined timeline, then you have a decision to make. 

Oh, and discard SD from your life permanently. There is no coming back from that text. There's no heart there. 

You are being manipulated. Trust me on this, I have experience in the matter. Your husband tells his kids all kinds of stories about you and how you are the reason for him being sooo "unhappy" and plays the victim. They all feel sorry for him and want to protect him from you evil wife/stepmom. They think that when you wont be in the picture, he will be safe and happy and they will have the perfect relationship they have always wanted to have and you prevented. He probably also tells them that he regrets oh so much that he dropped the ball with them but its all because of you of course.

Even if you came to tell the truth about his alcoholism he would say he started drinking because of you and how you were treating him.

Take a deep breath and live your life. I would respond to the text by saying that all this nonsense was not necessary to write and a simple "please dont come to the wedding" would have sufficed as you dont want to go where you are not wanted or welcome, then state to her that she is also not wanted/welcome in your home or presence and thank her cordially.

Your husband is acting fake towards you but he probably loves the fact that she told you all of this and is relishing in the situation he created. The stepson is equally as fake and acting outraged when in reality he doesnt care about you or your daughters feelings he is just trying to "look good" in everyones books but he doesnt like you either, he just has better principles than the daughter.

This is your wake up call to be smarter than your husband. He turned his kids against you so he didnt have to do the dirty work and this is his way of moving the focus from alcoholism to his children....

What bothers me most in all of this is that your husband went to the wedding KNOWING what his daughter had written to you without even considering going with you or not going at all. He is the cause of the problem. Please make your SD's message 100% public. Like Rags often says, bare her arse That way, when you leave, there will be no doubt as to why. 

.... 

Wow.  This SD has some serious balls and is drama queen.  I'm glad you didn't go to the wedding.  I would cut off all contact with SD and SS.  Just disengage from the whole family.  And you are right, marital issues should most certainly NOT be discussed with the kids.  That is inappropriate and a boundary crossing - it is something that enmeshed parents do. It creates an unhealthy dynamic for the whole family.  My ex husband did this with his manchild - went to him for all his emotional needs, all of our disagreements and told him what an awful person I am.  My ex SS and I didn't have a great relationship to begin with but this just caused even more issues.  I ended up leaving that situation.

I beg you to sit and do some soul-searching when you are at peace and have a clear head.  Maybe that means leaving for a weekend to a quiet B&B and doing things for yourself....but either way, I think you should seriously think about what you are getting out of this relationship, because it sounds to me like you are just getting a bunch of grief between dealing with alcholism (which I did in my first marriage) and drama from thankless a&&hole skids.

I wouldn't feel guilty about telling DH his kids are no longer welcome.  I know you have a relationship with SS, but SD will eventually turn him against you.  Disengage and then reconsider this entire situation.

Please keep us posted and take care of yourself.

YAY! You survived and going forward no more toxic SD in your life.

Never let that lil B darken your door again. 

Her "Love Letter" was nasty. BUT now you know where you stand. You stand way above this shitty gene pool. Embrace it, do a dance, and release all the years of hurt.

As for your DH, now thats a bigger problem. Al anon will help, even if DH doesnt go to AA. Would he? 

Remember that for too long your DH has treated you poorly. Maybe the ever loving SD can take big daddio in . 

Blessings hun.

 I have also learned that in the last couple of months she has been reaching out to him to get together for lunch, sent him a text on their wedding anniversay (which he responded to by saying "those were the best years of my life."

Send him back to the horrid breeder he created his putrid progeny with. Let them rot together as they wallow and splash around in their shallow and polluted gene pool while you move on to an amazing new life adventure.

Take care of you.

OP, your leave bucket is overflowing, and flooding the floor...

This whole bunch are dreadful. That's all I've got.

With your most recent update, I'd have that attorney on retainer sooner than later. Your DH has a mini-wife that he is deeply enmeshed with. For a man to even think to joke of sleeping with his daughter and her friend is repulsive. This is one toxic, sickly enmeshed group of people and I'd find a way to untangle myself immediately, regardless of what it costs. Who knows? With just this info on your post, a judge might just heavily lean on your side. As Rags said, take care of YOU.

And then file first. And you can use all kinds of these personal things to negotiate. AND have him pay attny fees too.

The more I think about your comments about BM and his "humor" regarding sex with mini wife daughter and her friend, the more disgusted I am. In addition to the abuse and drinking.

6.  You are right; I am not getting much-other than grief-from this relationship and I have seriously considered leaving. I am waiting to see how things go over the holidays and will add that to my stay or leave considerations.

This is not a salvageable relationship.  My husband and I share the same age difference and I can assure you that none of this is about age.  This is about his lack of morals, his dedication to his first wife and his mini-wife, and his complete disrespect and disregard for you and for your feelings. 

You don't know us, so it's a real leap of faith for you to believe us when we tell you that you really need to get out of this situation.   From everything that you have shared, I doubt  that he will be visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve and awake a new man on Christmas day.  He's a rat.  You on the other hand, are an intelligent, articulate woman who is clearly capable of experiencing normal human emotions.  He is not and never will be.  It's always frightening to leave someone.  Let me assure you that whatever lies ahead for you once you leave, it will not even come close to matching the painful dysfunction that your are currently living in. 

My heart honestly hurts for you.  After reading your posts, I have had to walk away a few times to wrap my head around the things that you have shared with us.  This may be one of the worst situations that I've ever read about on here, and believe me, I've scanned through a great many of them.  No one, and I mean NO ONE should ever have to be subjected to this kind of emotional abuse, physical abuse and egregious betrayal from their spouse.  SPOUSE:  the person who we are supposed to trust with our lives!  The one who should be comforting us and protecting us and protecting and defending our marriage.  He should be putting you first!  Not joking about leaving you for a younger model.  That is just sick.  Small wonder that his daughter is unbalanced, when she has him as a parent.  If my father had ever said anything suggestive to me about my friends, I would have disowned him for life!  For your husband to feel so comfortable with his daughter to even hint of that....  I have no words.

Small infractions due to their enmeshment with their kids, I can understand and relate to.  This is far worse than that.  That he would allow his daughter to send you that vitriol without immediate repercussions?  That he would joke about sleeping with his daughter's friends?  That he would reply to his ex's text by saying that those were the "best years....."? I can't even begin to imagine your pain.  You deserve so much better.  Please believe THAT!

I wish that I could give you a hug...*sad*

Sometimes you think you've heard it all. Then you go and read something like this - and I agree with Birchclimber.

This has to be right up there among the worst stories ever posted on here.

I like to summarise, so here we go:

1. Your husband is an alcoholic and what's more does NOT want to give up drinking.

2. The therapist resigned due to your husbands heavy drinking. Side note: he/she was correct - a person cannot be engaged in a therapy session if they are under the influence of alcohol.

3.. His daughter is a major mini wife. What's with her and Dad kissing each other on the lips?? So inappropriate! Your husband talks about sleeping with his daughter and her friends - cue vomit emoji!!

4. Your husband discusses yours and his relationship with his children - again inappropriate, He makes derogatory remarks about you to them.

5. He is in regular contact with his ex wife and tells her their time together was the best time of his life. Why did they split up then???

6. Your husband is abusive, verbally and physically. Yes, pushing and shoving IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.

7. He shrugs off that vile email his daughter sent you. He does not have your back and certainly doesn't put you first. he puts you a very distant last on his list of priorities.

SIGH. There's more that I haven't listed, but this is enough that if a friend of yours told you all this about her relationship, what would you advise her to do?? I think you know the answer to that.

Please make plans to exit this unholy mess. You are a smart woman with so many good years ahead of you. You just need to make the break.

I would send him to his daughter's house for the holidays and I would pack his suitcase full of liquor bottles.  Let her handle her precious Daddy when he's shitfaced. 

Sd's letter to you about not attending the wedding could only have been written by a narcissistic sociopath. I have a similar SD and her letters to dad (me) are viscious attacks too. It feels like getting kicked in the gut. With your situation now, all the behind your back attacks are out in the open. They have been energizer bunnies with making your life hell--SD and BM, and your husband. It does resolve eventually if wait it out, or take action. Once all the crap is out in the open, dealing with it starts to make sense. I was in a similar situation a year-and-a-half ago at a neighbors while SD cornered DH for a private conversation. She was making him choose me or her. I saw her car leave and went home for the verdict. DH called her a sociopath and sent her on her way. It was the scariest time in our marriage and I was ready to leave if he took her side again. It was so interesting for me to plan and picture my new life. You have all my sympathy and I truly wish you a safe future. You need some good times for a change.

What age was the SD when you and your husband married? I am curious to the beginning. She sounds like she is very immature and needs to grow up. I do not blame you to not want to see her. If your husband is willing to go along with and see her outsie of the family home I would do it. 

I am curious did you not see them from Christmas Eve? Since it is after Christmas now.

I am hoping you took our advice and consulted a lawyer.

About leaving. You deserve so much better. SD is not your issue, SS nore BM is not your issue. That ugly disgusting text is not your issue.

You have been abused by your husband, that is your issue...

Hoping for your success in leaving...please update us when appropriate, or continue venting if thats what you need...we are here.

POSSIBLE FROM YOUR LIFE.

We have a number of parallels.

I would love to visit with you.

There's no doubt about it, your alcholic DH (not  being condescending, just truthful, I'm married to a 70-something alcoholic too) is the architect of all of this hell and drama. His kids are the bi-product of his chaotic choices. That's not an effort to diminish their role in your personal hell, please know that.

Message me when you have a minute! I'd love to hear from you!

you are being triangulated and scapegoated (blamed for dysfunction yet not your fault)

Your husband does not have your back...he created this problem and you were crying your eyes out as he was calmly getting ready to go to the event? If he has narcissistic tendencies, he was probably enjoying your upset. I read that he punished you through his daughter (he didnt correct her, he blamed YOU for HIS choice to slander you to his kids then blame you for doing it) As others have said, this is abuse. He even listens to his exwife scapegoat you saying that he is diminished in any way because of you.

If you can leave, please start prepping. Domestic violence in usa can help you prep. Learn about narcissism and triangulation and scapegoating...so what if these people are not diagnosed, you will learn about people who have zero empathy and how you will be treated in the future (abusers do not change... libraries have the book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That. Please read it and understand that abusers (whether narcissistic or not) rarely stop abusing because they love the benefits of abuse...one of which is to control your emotions. These miserable people do things to cause you pain or frustration then stand back and enjoy your display of tears, anger, etc. 

If you stay: learn to gray rock your emotions. Be as boring and inaffected as a rock around them. If you feed a narcissist their supply, you will get more abuse. Please learn how to live with abuse if you decide to stay... get out of the house often, leave the room if he is grumpy, drinking, etc. Srop caring whether he gets sober...he knows what you want and he wont do anything if you show you want it. Stop caring about your material things (abusers break things to get you to react so they get their supply)

join groups online regarding abusers, narcissists, emotional incest (him telling your personal marital things is emotional incest), cheating (telling his ex or other woman about your personal things), etc thank goodness there are a lot of groups out there and there is help and support. Even if you stay with him, please get help (keep it secret) from domestic violence, sometimes they have free counsel....at least you won't feel alone.

If you can leave and survive on your own, please believe me, it is worth it. I am very poor, just scraping by, but I would rather be like this and not deal with 1. abusive spouse (washing his clothes, etc) 2. his mentally ill children who disregarded me as a human being 3. his ex whom he allows to control him  4. the hyperviligence I felt daily as often thru the day I was disrespected as a human being...I knew years and years of that would kill me   BUT the ADDED gaines are PEACE, not hyperviligent, creativity came back to me (hard to be creative when abused), freedom... I would trade a million dollar house owned by an abuser for being poor but safe and free from constant abuse.

I'll be thinking about you...hope you stay safe. Abuse escalates. Please take care of YOU!

I feel for you, my husband is not an alcoholic.  But has suffered with his mental health.  I attended SS wedding last Sep.  Up there on the list of worst days ever. 

Kinda wish they had asked me not to go.  x 

Good luck but gotta tell ya, if I got that message and my hubby still went.  The locks would have been changed before he got back. 

SDs are hard, your husband has not had your back at all.  I personally could not stay in a marriage like that.   

Weddings are the worst.  But I know if I got a message like that, my DH would not go either.

You deserve better.

I hope you continue to take steps to find your peace and happiness.  

I know it's generally unacceptable to share marital problems with kids, but in this case, considering what he's said, I'd lay bare his alcoholism. It's not a marital problem,  but a major contributing factor and a stand alone problem.  I'd probably tell him if he wants to get plastered he should do it at SD or SS's home,  not yours. 

As for the comments he made to BM about his time with her being the best years,  I'd tell her to come get his sorry ass. 

Take steps to protect yourself when he's drinking.  Pushing and pinning you against walls ARE abuse, even if it doesn't leave a physical mark. Be able to defend yourself because people like that can turn the violence up at any point.

You've suffered immensely and deserve peaceful calm. Do whatever you have to do to reclaim it! Big hugs!!!!

I can't get past the fact that your DH puts his hand on you, pushes, and leaves bruises.  That is NOT okay. Have you gone to a divorce attorney to ask questions and explain your situation? You are being mentally, emotionally, AND physically abused by this man and his kids/BM.  You deserve SO much better than this.  Please be careful. 

I know from experience, you are enabling  and covering for your husband's drinking. With his kids, friends, work and even himself. Just like disengaging with a step kid, disengage from his drinking. If he missed an obligation, tell them why. If he is truly deep into it and his kids aren't aware, you are helping him hide it, so stop it. Let him suffer the repercussions of his behavior. Why are you allowing his failed family to demonize you. Let him get the reputation he earns. Good luck

Your husband is the ringleader of this circus.  Is there a reason you stay with him, even though he's an abusive alcoholic who chooses alcohol over you and subjects you to abuse from his failed family?

How is your H's health, OP? Have you ran the numbers and decided to ride this marriage into the ground, then walk away with the assets? No judgement from me, just hoping you've taken steps to ensure your financial future.

I hope your pathetic excuse for an H keels over while drinking in his studio and is through the gates of Hell before his carcass is found. People like him go through life splattering others with their toxic poo, and he deserves to die alone. Keeping taking care of yourself.

Live and let live. This is the best thing you can do for yourself

With all this drinking, he will f his health up and have an early exit

You MUST ensure that all wills are iron clad and you are set up in terms of your assets IF you plan on staying