Follow up to so done with adult stepdaughter - unbelievable
Forums:
So I found out today that SD is actually having a baby shower of her own with her little friends, after cancelling the one I worked so hard on. She told me she was "too stressed" to have a baby shower and she was having panic attackes just thinking about it. So I cancelled it after looking at umpteen catering menus, booking a hall, figuring out how to get a liquor license, parking plan, safety plan, etc. She did this just to cut me out and not include me. I am just shakinig I'm so mad and so hurt. She's trying to tell me no it's not a baby shower, I'm just having a get together with my friends. Right. It's a brunch at a restaurant and my other SD is bringing her friend from away, so what?
I could scream.
Accept the gift of not having
Accept the gift of not having to do sh!t for her. Seriously. Don't do sh!t for her. She is an adult with friends and support of her own. Be polite and civil but don't go out of your way. She doesn't appreciate it, so don't do it. Take the energy you used to waste on her and spend it by treating yourself.
Take deep breaths
Take this as a good sign, you are totally off the hook as far as the baby goes. She has shown you how she feels, Take a big step back and let your DH take the lead, if any. You won't get stuck with any babysitting and can participate or not as you wish. Good luck with it all, SD.
Thanks! I'm going no contact
Thanks! I'm going no contact with her now. I've had enough. Unfortunately, I can;t get the $1200 I wasted buying her a stroller. That stings, but hey, I'll find someone who needs it.
There are associations who
There are associations who recycle clothes, toys, strollers, etc. for new parents who cannot afford to buy new.
You can sell on FB
You can sell on FB marketplace.
She has shown you how she feels about you - believe her.
She has shown you how she feels about you - believe her. Your idea of going no contact is a great one. If you can't return the stroller, there are places you could donate it where it would be truly appreciated. So sorry she is so awful!
I do have a question... was
I do have a question... was the event you were planning going to be "bigger".. more relatives etc? Maybe just a small lunch with her best girlfriends was really what she wanted.. but when you got caught up in planning a more formal event (catered.. rented venue etc.. ) she felt overwhelmed and didn't know how to ask for you to not do so much? If that's possible.. I would probably not feel so badly.. other than perhaps remember that sometimes what we think people want.. is not what they want.
And.. she has shown an interest in you not being so involved.. and that is a gift for you as well. I am not sure that returning the stroller or donating is necessary.. if it is supposed to be a gift from you and her father.. then.. it might cause more conflict with him if you try to do that..so, take that idea and consider all sides of that.
Some people are more anxious about social situations.. in their peer group.. fine.. in larger events.. very awkward.. and being the center of it.. may have not been what she wanted. I'm not saying you have to do some big forgiveness and allow her to take advantage.. but if there is a chance that is part of it.. recognizing that sometimes we get caught up.. not reading the room.. it can feed these skid situations as well.
My baby shower vs hers
Tha baby shower I was planning would have included a very few extra people versus the one she planned. It would have been all the same people plus maybe two more. Also, she could have told me that she wanted a quiet brunch and I would have done that, too. It's certainly easier! I wasn't looking for the shower to be some Instagram event. The crux of it for me is being gaslit by her with her "Oh it's just a get togehter, not a shower" meanwhile all the same friends we were going to include are coming and the worst part is that my other SD is invited, but I'm not. I was so hurt by that. She could have at least invited me. I've been holding her up since she was 17 and she has a baby shwer without me? Cool beans I'll never trust you again.
You do have to keep in mind
You do have to keep in mind her mom has wormed her way back in too.. and yeah.. I get that her mom wasn't so wonderful.. but unfortunately.. at the end of the day.. they are the moms.. and we are not.. and they will get so much more forgiveness than we ever will.
And.. she should have been more honest.. but maybe she just felt in a bind and didn't know the mature way to handle it.. she may be inher early 30's. but sounds like she has not grown up a lot..
I just feel that when we have the ability to not make things any more nuclear than they are.. we should.. doing something to hit back at her for the change.. well.. she will be seen as "well.. that's understandable".. you will be seen as the one that caused a rift.. it's just the stepparent yoke to bear. I would just quietly step back.. allow your DH to give her the gift that was purchased.. and let her just have space.. and not go out of your personal way...
You Have Clarity
Doesn't matter how many years you've been involved. You clearly have your answer of what she thinks of you. It is way past time to disengage and let your DH deal with HIS daughter. Civil but superficial is my motto with DHs toxic kids. I'm true to myself, in being kind but I don't let them walk over me or use me. I have not sent gifts in years and we ended the "messaging" aspect of our relationships years ago.
As for the stroller, you can try to sell it or you can make a very wonderful donation to a local pregancy center that helps moms. Imagine one of those young ladies, choosing to keep her child and not being able to afford much and get THAT stroller. Good Karma in your life for sure. But I would NOT give it to the SD.
I agree - I would not give
I agree - I would not give the stroller to SD. If DH ends up wanting to do something- let it be a card, a stuffed animal and some balloons not a big fancy stroller. She did you dirty.
I know that the SD sounds
I know that the SD sounds like she is not the most perfect person.. but did the SD actually ASK her SM to plan a big baby shower?
SM is talking renting a hall.. catering.. sounds like a kind of "big deal event".
What the SD is actually doing is a brunch with her girlfriends and that sounds a lot lower key.. maybe SM got caught up in the excitement of having what she was going to consider a grandchild.. and went a bit overboard.. maybe not realizing that SD didn't want what she wanted? That doesn't mean that SD 'did her dirty"...
I see a little bit of a pattern here where SM is offering things to her SD.. and maybe it's being seen as "pushy" by SD?
Yes.. I know that OP has tried to do a lot for her SD.. but sometimes when we "try too hard".. it is less well recieved?
It also sounds like the girl is having some idea that her mother (who is her bio mother.. despite her lack of great history).. is going to be a big part of her life.. maybe quite wishful thinking.. of course.. but hope can spring eternal.
I mean.. sometimes it's hard to tell people "no"...or to "back off".. like a guy that showers you with too many things too early in a relationship.. you make excuses.. etc.. vs being direct.. and honest.
I don't think the gift has to be thrown out.. or given to someone else... I mean.. OP and her husband told her that was the gift they were giving her.. the message that.. we won't give you a gift if you don't do things the way we want you to do them.. isn't a great message.. and will squash chances that they will have any relationship with the new baby.
And.. SD is pregnant.. so she overslept... she maybe has had morning sickness..or doesn't sleep well pregnant.. she is hormonal.. maybe things ARE more overwhelming...
I don't think that OP needs to repeatedly throw herself at her SD's feet.. but I think she can still be civil and not unkind... while not going overboard.
I would never hold a gift
I would never hold a gift over anyone's head. I just don't think she will come and get it, and she lives a fair distance from us. We could deliver it, I have no problem with that, but she throws fits and I would not be surprised if she told us to shove the stroller up our collective arse. She is also the kind who out of anger would take the stroller then destroy it, burn it, sell it, etc.
As to the shower, nothing was done or ordered without her consent and involvement. I don't have a big house, so a gathering of 12 people is much more comfortably done in a bigger location. It is not at all that I wanted to throw some huge event and she didn't want that. SHE wrote the guest list and SHE asked for me to throw the damned shower in the first bloody place.
This is all about the fact that she left our guest room in a shambles when she and her boyfriend moved out, and her dad told her what he though of that and she:
1. blamed me for his being angry because of course I must have MADE him tell her off (I didn't in any way).
2. got angry with me because I put a boundary down saying that no, I'm not cleaning your mess.
They can't stand being told no, especially by me. I am an introvert who prefers to eschew the limelight whenever possible. I have no reason to push a social occassion on any one.
Regarding the late arrival at the baby store, this is not even close to the first time she's pulled this kind of thing. I get it that she's tired, I was pregnant once too. But being tired is no excuse to treat someone the way she treated me. I patiently waited for her too, btw. I decided to ignore her rudeness and go do an errand between noon and one. And seriously? Someone's getting you a $1200 travel system and you can't come on time, tired or not? Or if you think you'll be tired, then maybe arrange to meet later in the afternoon when you know you'll be awake? She is routinely very entitled with me.
At this point.. I think you
At this point.. I think you need to step back and let your husband deal with her.. you can set boundaries for your home.. like she and her SO are not welcome to stay there again.. but while this is water under the bridge.. it's water you need to remember.. and not decide to go back in again... his daughter.. his issue.. he buys presents.. you simply stand by your husband as his wife.. but not SD's mother.. helper, babysitter etc..
Yes...
...I agree. I'm sorry to say, she did you dirty.
Agree. Ingrates do this.
Bottom line is there are myriad excuses which can be fabricated to explain SDs behavior, but the bottom line is this: She is an ingrate.
SD was well aware of the plans for the shower. Despite this, she went behind your back and arranged for an entirely new event and excluded you. Why? Because she really doesn't give a damn how much time, money or effort you put in to her. She doesn't give a damn about YOU, period. She's shown that over and over.
A reasonable person would have spoken up if they had any issues with the shower planning. A reasonable person would have been honest and told you they APPRECIATED what you had been working on but they decided they wanted something different for a shower event. And then, they would have invited you to that event.
The fact that SD did none of this shows she is an ingrate. Do what any reasonable person does with ingrates: Don't engage them on anything other than a superficial level and only when necessary. Do not get involved in their lives, kids, drama etc. Do not ever, for one moment, think that they have changed their ways at some point.
Ingrates will do what ingrates do - greedily grab from others to enrich themselves, without so much as a thank you. So ...Do not, under ANY circumstance, give any thought, significant money or brain space to what SD is doing or saying - and that includes her kid(s) when they arrive.
I will tell you right now - forget any hope/dreams/possibility that you will have some sort of a role in this baby's life. You won't. Accept that now. Treat this kid like you would a coworker's first baby - wish her the best of luck, maybe give a nominal ($20) good-will gift, and then be done with it.
This is just confirmation of how detestable and noxious she is.
Stop being hurt by her. You know that she is shit, she lies, and she manipulates. Shit is what it is. Shit is nothing to be hurt by. In fact, when you dump it, often it is a freeing and pleasant experience.
Human shit is what it chooses to be.
Know that. Do not give it space in your head or your life.
If you keep investing, it is you that is hurting you.
Stop that.
Well said! I ended up in the
Well said! I ended up in the hospital over this whole thing with blood pressure at 198/117. There are no markers in my blood for high blood pressure - the doctor says it's due to stress. I told their father that I'm done. I've blocked both SDs on my phone and will continue to do so for some time. This is about boundaries my SD doesn't like. I've got news for her: there will be more, so she better buckle up. I'm finally healing from being my mother's little pleaser.
Oh no....
I can only imagine the pain of giving for years and then being treated like this, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of you.
Blocked: "and will continue to do so for some time"
NO!.Not for "some time". Block and never unblock. Even better. Delete her contact and number on top of blocking.
Never give slimey baggage infectious entities any chance of infecting your life.
Take care of you.
!
Rags, you tell it like it is...I like that!
After many years of trials
After many years of trials with my SD, including 7 years of no contact, it was a baby shower that finally did me in, too--not the same situation, but rudeness and games. That was over 5 years ago. I "had" to see her when DH was ill a year and a half ago, and that experience propelled me into going totally dark with both skids. I asked myself if I would allow other people to treat me that way, and the answer was always hell no. Finally, finally, finally, the door has permanently closed and will never again be opened.
We deserve better.
Im so sorry you went through this.
To extend yourself, when it all looks like green light go, only to be excluded...that just sucks and trust that THEY suck, not you.
"THEY suck, not you." This is exactly how to keep it all simple.
Though human nature often has good people wallowing in guilt for really no reason.
Good people make excuses for the sucky people at the expense of themselves. Understanding that just because good people would never do what the sucky people do, does not overcome the facts that the sucky people do what they do.
If that makes any sense at all.