So done with adult stepdaughter
My oldest step daughter is 33 years old and pregnant. I've been in her life for 17 years now and am so tired of being drawn in and treated like her mom only to be pushed out unceremoniously a few weeks later. She is EXTREMELY selfish and is only fine if she is getting her way. Any boundaries of mine are met with childlike anger. For example, she and her boyfriend stayed at our house for work reasons for six weeks. We fed and housed them and their cat for free. They left our guest room in shambles when they left and my SD is now mad as hell because my husband and I told her how we felt about them destroying the guest room. And I mean destroy. They even managed to rip a set of expensive sheets. Instead of telling us, they just shoved the sheets (along with all my nice leather shoes) on a shelf in the closet. They left watermarks all over my antique desk, they brought their cat and refused to sweep up the litter and cat poop when they left, the boyfriend smoked in the room, etc.
This past weekend, I offered to buy her a car seat and stroller system. We were to meet at the baby store at noon, but at 10:30 a.m. I get a text saying "yeah, I'm going to be late. I'll be there maybe around 1." Running late means she slept in, btw. I'm disappointed in myself for not just saying to her "never mind, looks like this isn't important to you". Instead I ran another errand and waited for her. There's so much more here to tell about her and what she's done over the years, but it would be a book.
SD's pregnancy is making her selfish behaviour even worse. This baby is my husband's first grandchild and already, we are being told that we won't be involved much. She is moving her mentally ill bio mom into her house instead, because bio mom will take care of her and the baby and not require anything of her. This is the same bio mom who made SD homeless twice as a child, left her with her physically abusive half-sister, and would spend all her money on clothes and then give SD mustard sandwiches to bring to school. The bio mom is also scheduled to have open heart surgery just five weeks before the baby is due, so I think SD is dreaming thinking her mom will be able to take care of anyone. I think bio mom is going to need care!
I was more than willing to go and help after the baby's born, but I am the type who will say to SD that we are doing this together. It's not an opportunity to sleep the whole time I'm there and do nothing. Sure, take a nap, but I'm not doing everything for you. If you give my SD an inch she takes a mile. I've gone through countless issues with her and her younger sister and I have arrived at a point of just being done and so tired it's actually a physical feeling. It doesn't even hurt anymore, I just don't want involvement in their lives. Some part of my caring for them just ended this past weekend and now all I feel is completely detached from them. I feel guilty about this, like I should keep trying for my husband's sake, but I am just completely worn out and don't care anymore. I was excited for the baby, but not anymore. My husband is affected by all of this as well and I feel bad about that part, but I just can't bring myself to emote anymore if you know what I mean. It's just gone somehow. I'm not sure how I will handle this birth, other than to largely stay away. Anyone else fall out of love with their skids? How do you deal with the husband guilt? Thanks.
It sounds like you have gone
It sounds like you have gone out of your way for your SD.. countless times. Are you saying you will feel guilty for some reason towards your husband.. or that he will feel guilty that not enough is being done for his daughter/grandchild.
Because.. you not knocking yourself out does not prevent him from having a relationship with his child or grandchild. He is perfectly capable of stepping up. You can choose to be by his side.. but don't have to take the initiative to offer up your services.. which she does not seem to appreciate.
He asks why you step back.. "oh.. she and her mom seem to have it all under control. I don't want to overstep. "
I think I just need to hear
I think I just need to hear that it's ok to just stop and leave this in my husband's hands to handle his relationship with his kids. He chose to get married, so I guess he chose that the skids might not like it. I'm sitting here at work feeling completely depleted and empty. I also feel played by the pregnant SD, who got a travel system for $1200 that she barely showed any interest in. I am telling myself that at least her baby will be safe. She and the boyfriend are the type who will find a car seat in the garbage and use it. Thanks for telling me that it's my husband's job to take it from here. I needed to hear that!
It's absolutely ok to let him
It's absolutely ok to let him be a parent to his own chilld. A child whose life you entered when she was practically an adult.
When my OSD first became a mother.. my MIL tried to tell my that I was going to be a grandmother.. and they had picked out a name for me. "bubby".. Why on earth they chose that as none of us are Russian or Jewish.. and I clearly told her that "I" was not a grandmother.. my husband was the one who was a grandfather.. but they were not my biological kids. Of course, she clutched her pearls a bit over that.. but I held firm.. I was a childless stepmother.. and had been a good partner in helping my DH with his children.. but always tried to maintain the balance that he was the parent.. and anything I did was voluntary. I actually even have a decent relationship with his older daughter.. and a very close relationship with the younger (both adults 26-30 now)
But, am I a granny dying to babysit? uh.. NOPE.. I did my time helping him with two kids 5 and 9 to adulthood.. I'm not babysitting. He takes the grandkids occasionally on his own.. I'm not involved.. and he accepts that.. he knows I am not a big "kid person" Perhaps it will be somewhat more different with YSD.. who I am much closer to.. but prob not a whole lot.
They have two bio parents.. their kids are not my grandkids.
Do I help buy gifts for the grandkids.. yes.. as a favor to my DH.. Do I do much more.. nope.
It's ok.. men are capable of buying cards.. tracking birthdays.. taking the tyke out for ice cream. or fishing.. etc.. I don't have to overstep and be somthing I don't want to be.
YOu don't have to ANNOUNCE it.. just quietly step back and allow him to push to the front of this responsibility.
I'm going to keep my
I'm going to keep my discontent on the downlow for now, but there will be signs lol. Did I mention I rented a hall for a baby shower for SD and made all kinds of plans, only to have SD decide SHE is stressed about the shower and I need to cancel it? She wants a "family lunch" instetad, on her birthday. I've got news for her - we have purchased everything we're going to purchase for this baby. Lunch is just going to be a lunch and a birthday cake, and I'm only doing that so she and the boyfriend come and pick up all the baby stuff they left at my house, including the new stroller and car seat. If I don't get them out here, my husband and I will end up living with their stuff for months (they don't live close to us). Something just finally broke in me this weekend and I'm just done. I don't even feel sad about it!
Wash your hands and be done
Wash your hands and be done with the whole entire situation. You can be "step-grandparent" from afar. Your efforts are unappreciated. Time for the Soon-To-Be Mom (sounds scary) to get her life in order. It's definitely not you OR your husband's responsibility though. If he wants to step in, all be it. But don't let it affect you and your mental health!
From afar seems the safest
From afar seems the safest place to granmother this baby, that is for sure! I hope my SD reforms before the baby comes, but it doesn't seem likely. She and the boyfriend can barely take care of themselves. They are like feral racoons!
I hear you
I could write reams about my self-centered, immature SD63 but just know I understand completely. When SD was pregnant with her first, I was excited, it would be our first gkid. SD was perfectly willing to accept any gifts and often specified the particular item she wanted. But, I soon learned that BM was #1 and we were only subs and donors. It's all okay, suppahgs, just go with the flow and don't get too invested in the baby.
I was surprised to see that DH wasn't all over the baby altho he's a kid person. I think he was just exhausted and burned out from our 5.
My husband knows his daughter
My husband knows his daughter so well and isn't all that into the baby, at least not yet. He loves kids and would be a fantastic grandfather, but I'm not sure he'll get the chance. It's so hard to believe that after all we've done, bio mom is going to just glide in there having done literally nothing for my SD or this baby. UGH
Yes! Yes! and Yes! I have
Yes! Yes! and Yes! I have (13) SGKs and was at the birth and everything in between for (7) of them. (3) of the other
are Step/Step GKs that we accepted as our own. The other (3) have different baby mamas. For years and years I put my judgement aside and treated everyone, Adults, Babies and Children with respect. I have provided sooooo much for them. I say "I" because bf I came along, my husband had a house but never cooked for them, hosted celebrations, or gave them gifts besides $$. We have created an incredibly fun home that they all love to visit with tons of toys, outdoor activities and meals and snacks. The kids never want to go home. We get "Thank you Dad". I don't get thanked. We don't get invited to school GPs day. I don't get even a text at Mother's Day.
I'm glad that I did not stay away for the children's sake.
As for the husband guilt, that is my problem too. I can't stand it. I wish he had some wife guilt since his adult children are trolls. I just take it one occastion at a time. I used to be genuine and giving. Now, I show up for my husband and the GKs and try as hard as I can to not let them bring me down. Our marriage is worth that to me. His involvement with my adult children affects me and vice versa.
You definitely have it worse than me with the unacceptable actions of this not-so-young couple that think they are ready to be parents. I would utterly have lost it! I wish you the best. Isn't it unbelievable that such rudeness and cluelessness comes from your husband's side? Keep us posted on how the bio mom is possibly going to make things better. This girl is a real piece of work.
Oh she is! Her mother was
Oh she is! Her mother was very unstable and now she is saying she isn't sure that this pregnancy wasn't a mistake. I'd be excited to be a part of the baby's life, but I'm frankly terrified that I'll get attached just to say the wrong thing and have the baby yanked away. Thank you for your kind words! It really helps to hear I'm not out to lunch lol.
Cleaning up after they moved out
Four of our five have moved back to our basement "suite" at one time or another with spouses, kids, pets, whatever. But after SD's departure with her cat, it was a real mess. After she left, I went down with my bucket and bleach and scrubbed all walls, furniture and the floor. It was disgusting including where she'd vomited and some dried remains were on the mattress. Not to mention the cigarette under her bed (she doesn't smoke) so heaven knows who she snuck in.
Oh I hear you! I took
Oh I hear you! I took pictures lol. The room was in terrible shape and my shoes scratched and ruined.
My SO's 25-year-old daughter
My SO's 25-year-old daughter just had his first grandchild. She was "brought" back to BM's house in BM's state to be "taken care of" after the birth. Supposedly the father of the baby is in boot camp for some branch of the military, but who knows if SD25 is telling the truth.
This time last year she was supposedly no contact with him. This time the year before, she had to be physically rescued and also brought back to BM's house in her state to be taken care of. And this time the year before THAT, he was supposedly just a friend she would never date because he was gay.
I was beyond done with this child and its mother before it was even born. And I know exactly how awful that sounds because it isn't the child's fault. I feel so sorry for this baby. SO and his family are all "Maybe this will finally straighten SD out, it's a GOOD thing! Because everyone knows that the one thing that turns a fk'd up situation into Leave It to Beaver is adding a fking baby!
Ugh!
I am dismayed to read that the family thinks your SD's pregnancy is a good thing...what about the baby? An innocent life born into dysfunction will never be a good thing. I'm sad for the child.
Lol exactly! SD's boyfriend
Lol exactly! SD's boyfriend is apparently so anxious that he can't eat. I'd be anxious too, suddenly being responsible for three people when a year ago it was just him. I also know SD's BM and boy, is he is for a psychological treat! lol. I am officially done with this SD. She apparently has it all figured out, so she can do it on her own. She certainy doesn't need me. My husband can go see her whenever he wants, but I think I will need to wash my hair or something lol.
IMHO it is not about falling out of love with the SD.
SD stopped earning your love. Do not keep paying her wiith care, emotion and fee fees of warmth that she keeps urinating on. Pressure wash her and her mess out of your life. I would.
The whole premise of unconditional love is a total falacy and naive with people like this.. From age of majority on, and even in the last years of them being minors, from then on, love is earned. Never forget that far more important than the fee fees of love, is the actions of love. If a toxic spawn is not performing the actions of love that earn them love, then don't waste your time, effort, emotion, and one micro second of living your best life for yourself, on them.
Period. Dot.
I am sorry that you are feeling guilty about learning that this POS failed family spawn is a write off. However, IMHO it is an exceptionally liberating event. So stop feeling guilty and refocus on living your best life. If the toxic, disrespectful, rude POS SD and her idiot DH have chosen to move batshit crazy BM in as their live in nanny/beck and call chore bitch, then let all of them rot.
I am sad for this baby for losing the parent lottery entirely and then on top of that, being raised by a mental tragedy of a biograndma.
But, not your circus, not your monkeys. Hopefully DH will keep his spine and his brain engaged and not dive down the toiled drain with his XW, his shit spawn, his shit SonIL, just because of the carot on a string of a grandbaby on the end of a very long stick.
Do not waste you and living your best life on this shit puddle of a shallow and polluted procreating gene pool that has no business breeding yet more of them.
Take care of you.
All IMHO of course.