Help, I don’t know what to do
This is my first post and have no knowledge of the lingo. My SS is coming to visit along with his girlfriend in a few days. My DH and I bought a house and I don't really want him here because of what happened last year. He wanted to know if his dad and I took separate cars to pick him up from the airport, reason was because he didn't want his mom to feel uncomfortable, although they were meeting up in my husband's home which he shares with his mother who lives in the back of his home. That's a totally different situation in itself.
I don't like the way they treat my husband as a ATM machine and treat me as if I don't exist. My husband finally realized how they were treating him and put his foot down. I don't really have a relationship with my SS as he makes no effort whatsoever. I've reached out to him as he lives in CA and if he does respond, it's days later or after his dad points it out. Birthday and Christmas gifts that I bought for him, not even used and I'm never thanked for, again unless his dad says something to him.
The agreement that my husband and I agreed on is no gifts and he needs to make time for us. My SS reached out yesterday to ask his dad about his schedule. We went over the few days that we're free and now the ball is in his court.
My question is how do I keep myself together and try once again to get along with my SS when I'm tired of tryin?. He's 27 and acts like a child when he doesn't get his way.
Civil and polite
Welcome to Steptalk!
You've already disengaged and ypur husband understands the situation. I'd just be polite and civil, like you'd be to a co-worker or neighbor you seldom see. You ask how to get along with your SS but just know, he doesn't really care what you say or do and has never thought for a nanosecond how to get along with you. So, just be polite and vivil.
If he acts up cuz he doesn't get his way, that's your DH's problem, just walk away. Hopefully, he will only be there a few hours, if he shows at all.
disengagement is your friend
stop trying - thats all on your DH.
He wanted to know if his dad
This is one of the most ridiculous questions I have ever heard.
DH should have answered that if he didn't want to travel in the same car as both of you he should use Uber, Lyft, a cab, or a car service (at his own expense).
I agree. The appropriate
I agree. The appropriate response would have been either simply "WHAT?" or "What kind of a stupid question is that?"
"What kind of a stupid
"What kind of a stupid question is that?"
Absolutely!
Stop letting SS Control the relationship
If he doesn't want to be in a car with you. Then he.Ubers it. If he can't be in the same home with you. Then Motel 6. Can't understand the can't be in the same car but living in your house. Better still. SS and DH both go to motel 6. The light is on.
'You don't need anyone who don't respect you. In your home
This is actually starting out
This is actually starting out way better for you. He doesn't want any kind of relationship with you and he's making that decision. Go full disengagement- friendly and civil...love that boundaries on gifting are being put in place. Time to not give a rat's arse about this dude - he's 27. Buh BYE. Don't do anything and he doesnt even have to stay in your house- establish the boundaries now. Your home is your haven and if he can't respect you or even acknowledge you...or share airspace in a car with you then he can't possibly think to have you share your home right? Stay disengaged and detached. No need for that in your life. Focus on your happiness and your DH- tis' all. He's done you a huge favor, you'll realise that as you read these blogs over the years. Congrats !
Do not tolerate any
Do not tolerate any violations of the standards of behavior and standards of performance that YOU require from your mate's toxic failed family kidult spawn.
If SS is an idiot, make him suffer idiot consequences. Confront everything in a demeaning, cutting, direct fashion. If DH has issue with that point out that he can step up and fix it ... or your will.
We adopted the zero tolerance model for toxic idiocy from the blended family opposition very early in our marriage. We raised SS-31 with those standards. Interestingly, he has nearly zero to do with the toxic shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. He applies similar standards to those in his adult life. Including his SpermClan.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.