I understand what you're going through. I experienced this, but my situation is VERY different in that my stepson is 6 yrs old. I also asked my sister (who is divorced and has a 3 yr old and 6 yr old), if her current boyfriend mentioned anything about it. Yes he did, so that at least made me feel comfortable that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. The big difference here is that your stepdaughters are adults... I don't think there should be *much* disciplining going on for girls of this age. If you've never brought this up to your husband before, there is no way for him or his daughters to know this is a problem. It is most likely just habit, they are not 'trying' to hurt you with this word.

Let me add that my parents have been divorced since I was 15. My stepmom gets furious if my dad calls my mother "mommy"... and to be honest, he just always has. Even when they got divorced, it's just what he called her out of habit. He tries very carefully not to do this in front of my stepmom since she complained.

Since I live on both sides of this issue, it has helped me understand when it hurts me. I think it is very difficult and probably not healthy to try to change the way a child speaks about a parent... but for an adult, it is possible and not developmentally detrimental. Just try to talk to your husband about how it makes you feel and hopefully he can ask his daughters to refer to their mother as "my mom" and not just "mommy". On the flip side, you could also try to understand that this is most likely just a habit.

To be honest, I think your discomfort lies with the fact that you don't think they respect you. It appears you don't have a good connection with your stepdaughters and I think this is the real red flag. You also said that your husband never disciplined his kids in front of you. Do you also feel disrespected by him? As your husband, he should put you first, always. This is just a golden rule. Once you explain your concern to him, I hope he is understanding.

I've been looking at this book, and it might help you out:
Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family

I plan to read it, but haven't yet.

Good luck, I somewhat understand how difficult this is!

I don't now many 21 or 25 years old's that still refer to their Mother as 'Mommy'. That's a little strange to begin with. When the skids are over they always refer to their Mother as 'my Mom or my Mother and I refer to her as the same.
I don't know what to tell you, other than it's odd. I would certainly
not take offense to it.

Jo

"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap

But you can't discipline adults, even if those adults are your children and deserve it. Who cares what they call their mother, anyway? I mean, it's certainly no skin off YOUR nose if they look immature. I wouldn't take offense. I'd just snicker a little to myself about how immature and transparent they are, then blow it off. Personally, I think that whatever children call their parents is what they call their parents. I wouldn't expect my skids to call their mother anything other than Mom or Mommy. (But they are young.) I don't expect them to call her anything else just because I'm in the room. It doesn't offend me, I'm not their mother, I don't care what they call her. What they call her has no bearing on who I am and says nothing about my relationship with them. Let it go. If you're like the rest of us, you've got bigger, stinkier fish to fry!

~ Anne ~

Nothing can come of nothing.
(Shakespeare, King Lear)

another woman feels the same way. I thought it was just me at first. I don't care if the kids refer to their mom as "mom said this or that..." However, I flip out when "My" husband refers to her as Mom to them. I prefer him to say "tell "your" mom blah blah blah. For a while he always said "tell mom blah blah blah. There is a big difference in the way it is perceived...especially in my ears.
It makes me feel as if he and their mom are linked..when I am the only woman he should be linked to at this point. Sometimes he still slips but catches himself. I know it won't change overnight but my husband has agreed to change his way of referring to her and maybe they will too in response. I completely understand how you feel...The conversations between DH and SKids when it was always mom this, mom that...made me want to puke! Enough Already!!!