How Do You Balance It All?

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I was just wondering how you seasoned stepmoms find a healthy balance to everyday living. My situation is a bit different than most. My DH was married twice and has children from both marriages but they are all grown and none live with us. During the week my spouse works second shift so we see little of each other til the weekend as he doesn't get home til almost 11 p.m. How do you manage having family time with those you share a house with yet support DH in going to see his children, many times of which you're not asked to come along? With having 6 grown stepchildren my DH does agree we can't always have them over here as it is a major stressor for my son but once a month or going out for a family dinner in a large group is ok.

We don't see DH's children on holidays. It's either the weekend before or after as they don't want to offend their mothers. It's also complicated with having 2 ex wives because each set of family kinda clings to itself. I.E. the oldest aren't close to half brother and half sister from DH's 2nd marriage and don't care to be close to the stepchildren DH raised with ex wife #2. I realize I can't please everyone but some days I feel like I am going crazy!

Some weekends I just don't want to share my DH with his own kids. Terrible, isn't it? I just hate feeling left out when he does see them because I honestly don't know short of YSD if any of the stepchildren truly like me and want to be my friend. All suggestions welcomed.

Me (41). DH (53). Married

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.

Why aren't you asked along?

Why aren't you asked along? Hmmm.
How about Google calendar and schedule in some time when you and DH are together! With your DS!
They're adults, surely they can go a month or two without seeing daddy dearest. We're not talking babies here!
I haven't seen my daughters in a year since we moved. But we talk all the time.
Or you could host family potlucks every couple of months. Use paper plates and if everyone brings
food, it won't be too much of a burden. Invite them all. Again, they're adults and can suck it up
and tolerate each other for a couple of hours. Maybe, wow, they'll become friends!

He should include you with

He should include you with any outings with his grown kids, that he doesn't is wrong... you should not be left out.

In all of your comments

In all of your comments you're only real complaint or problem seems to be a lack of time with your husband.

His kids are treating you OK considering your "outsider" status but no worse than they're treating each other.

You married into a complicated situation here and must expect to be third rate to his prior families. Frankly I think they're tolerating you quite well and things should get better albet it will take time.

Also as their families age they'll be calling on Dad less and less often. I think you should enjoy the time you do have and find other ways of concentrating your time when he's not around. You have a family outside of his so spend that time with them or on yourself.

Orange, While I usually like

Orange,

While I usually like your style, this time I think you are WAY OFF.

She, as HIS WIFE, whether 1st time married, or 5th, is his CURRENT WIFE, and as his WIFE and PARTNER...

should NOT EXPECT to be THIRD RATE.

SHE RATES FIRST!

His children from his previous marriages are not little kids. We're not talking toddlers. They are all grown. Some are married with their own families.

He needs to put her neeeds above these adult children. If that means they come to visit him, then so be it. Or another arrangement could be worked out. But it should be something that does NOT put her on the BACK BURNER.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

You hit that one right on.

You hit that one right on. My 1st husband is deceased so my DH doesn't have to deal with the baggage I do. There's no visitation every other weekend for a "break" for me, child support issues, etc. I supported DH for 2 years til his youngest dropped off child support or we wouldn't have made the bills using primarily his income. DH has one minor child to help take care of and my deceased husband's family all live out of state and we can only get their by airplane unless we want to spend 2-3 days driving by car.

And there you go! YOU

And there you go! YOU supported your DH for 2 years.

Need I say it again? I think that I do...

YOU RANK FIRST, SWEETIE!

I'd think I "gently" remind your DH about this fininacial "support" that you gave him, and how he should now be supporting YOU at this time when you are feeling neglected.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

All my family lives out of

All my family lives out of state which makes it hard. They are 1.5 hours by plane or a 12-13 hour drive. I can't just hop on a plane as we don't have the money, esp. since my DH's work hours got cut and we're in the red each month now. My friends here tend to spend quality time with their families on weekends and I feel like I have no support system to get me through it all. I do things with my 9 year old son but it's not the same as having quality adult conversation. All of DH's kids but 2 live in this area so he could pretty much see a different child's family every weekend. I try to find things to keep busy when he's gone but it's not easy. He thinks I'm overreacting when he goes away on a weekend like once the visit is over, the hurt I feel of being excluded will also go away. Sigh.

DH's grown children tend to

DH's grown children tend to have him as a "father of convenience" and he uses them the same way. They can go weeks without talking to DH and then boom..if they want to see DH, he caters to them. Last night DH and I talked and he said it could be years before his children warm up to me. That's really sad. My son is 9 years old and considers DH his "dad." We've been married going on 2.5 years so exactly how many more years of being shunned (intentional or not) will it take for me to feel like I'm part of DH's family? If I'm not around them, how do they get to know me if they won't even talk to me on the phone?

I'm not asking to be best friends with the children but accepted and respected. We do invite the children over here and they lead busy lives with their own families and often decline. I just hate seeing my DH sacrifice our family to jump thru hoops when the children finally have a free weekend and want to hang out with him. He doesn't see it like I do, that he's just someone that is penciled in when they have nothing else going on. The cell phone records don't lie about their interest in him as a person. One of the children lives 3.5 hours away and will travel here to visit her brother and mother but likes it better if DH goes to her town. God forbid she can't fit in all her friends from here on her weekend visit. She chose to move away and whines her family rarely comes to visit. I just wish DH could see how much being excluded hurts me. He acts like when he excludes me I shouldn't have a problem with it, that once the visit is over with his child/children, it's in the past and shouldn't be brought up again. It's a little hard for me to let it go when I don't even get an apology from him for not inviting me to join him in the visits in the first place and history keeps repeating itself. I just get "I'm going to so and so's" and he leaves. Yuck!

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How Do You Balance It All?