I don't know what to do anymore
I am new here but I am in real need to just unload or vent I guess. This may be long.
My husband has 2 daughters from his previous wife. My husband ex-wife left him under the pretence of visiting their girl in their home town where the girls at the time was studying. She never came back because she apparently hated the rural town we live in and wanted to force my husband to move back to his former hometown. Apparently all the town folk were horrible to his ex and the kids according to them. However, my husband loves the friendly community of a town we have.
Fast forward a bit, ex wife and the daughters formed a team against my husband. Ex wife confided issues in the marriage to the girls and got them against their dad. They refused to come to our wedding, refused to visit their dad in our town and insisted he came to visit them without me and/or my son. My husband stood by my side in hope for many years that his kids will come back around. They have married and had children and that has not happen. He is estranged from them.
Last spring, my sister in law called my husband and said she heard that one of the girls was in hospital. After getting some help from my son we found the girls on facebook and sent a message that we heard you were in hospital, what is going on and so on. We gathered from sister in law speaking to other family members that she was seriously ill. So therefore we travelled over there so my husband could see her and at least say goodbye.
My husband was refused visiting by his ex-wife, daughter and his son in law. Mind you at this stage he hasn't seen his daughter for about 16 years. My husband was so distraught and worried, they wouldn't even tell him what was wrong with her. It was just mind your business or go on pretending we do not exist. His daughter passed away without him even getting the chance to see her one last time.
We only knew about her passing and funeral through facebook and reading her orbituary. They did not even inform my husbands other family members.
At her funeral, was the first time my husband and I ever got to see his grandkids in person, however from a distance. His ex and daughter ensured that no interaction happened and that my husband did even get to say hi to the kids. We also did not force the issue because one of the kids was quite clingy to his ex and the others seemed to be in their own world and we did not want to create a scene.
This hold thing has taken an emotional toll on my husband and marriage because they won't even budge after loosing her. My husband has tried to contact his deceased daughter husband to offer support and maybe see the grandkids as that is all he has of her now. His other daughter sent my son a facebook message to relay to us, that she will not stand for my husband taking advantage of a grieving widower and that she will honor her sisters dying wish to never let her kids be exposed to him. Now I don't know if that was her dying wish or not but the grief this is causing my husband has been hard for me to stand by and watch. I just want to give this girl a bigkick in the butt for doing this to her dad.
My husband is considering filing for grandparents rights as being the parent of a deseased parent he can apply for that. However, it requires that he had an estabilished relationship with said kids and can prove that it is in the best interest of the child for him to have a relationship with him. However, he is afraid that this may cause greater resentment but it is either that or never seeing his grandkids ever. Moreso, that his ex is now a live in grandma helping out with the kids care and home. I am also afraid that if he doesn't get visitation he will have an emotional breakdown
This is the first holiday season without her being alive and my husband is not interested in doing anything fot Thanksgiving, Christmas absolutely nothing. I just don't know what to do or how to support him as a wife. I do not know why I am here or if this is the right sort of place to type but I just can't carry the emotions any more.
Very sorry for this situation
In the US, it is very hard to get grandparent's visitation, if as is here, the grandparent had no prior relationship with the child.
I agree, but either way he
I agree, but either way he will never see is grandkids so to him it makes sense to try.
If the grandhild is resident in a state which
requires the grandparent to have had a previous relationship, I suspect a lawsuit will get kicked out with just a motion, before even a trial. Has DH considered contacting the father in a few months and asking again, or for mediation?
My husband has not even
My husband has not even gotten a response from the grandkids' father. All the messages on facebook have gone unanswered. His other daughter obviously has seen what we messaged their father though.
He should wait a few months and write a nice letter
FB is NOT the best tool for all communication. Send him a letter with condolences on the loss and asking if he can see the grandkids.
Your husband
needs a therapist to tell him to move on. His actions during this time have not been in the best interest of anyone. I am actually surprised that the son-in-law hasn't taken legal action to protect his children.
Your blame is also misplaced. You hope his ex and his other daughter suffer because they protected his dying daughter from the stress of a hospital reunion? That they protected the kids at a funeral from having to deal with additional emotional turmoil? Basically your husband needs to learn that it's not about him. None of these things were about him and he is making them all about him.
We kept our distance at the
We kept our distance at the funeral because we accessed the situation and thought it was not in anyone's best interest to interact with them. He had no intention of introducing himself to them on the worst day of their lives. We did not go to the hospital demanding to see her either. He, alone went, and spoke with the son in law, daughter and ex wife on different ocasions. He asked if they would let her know he was there and wanting to see her. He has absolutely no idea if they even told her he came by or not to be fair. There was never a scene that warrant any legal action.
He has offered support and assistance with expences or anything. I completely agree that he needs to go through their father in order to meet them. If the father is unwilling he should accept that and not pursue anything legally. I think to some extent he does understand that these kids do not need a lot of new things happening and their father does not need another thing to worry about. I have been trying to tell him this and be the reasonable half for the time being. However, this does not help him get past his sense of permanent loss especially since their last interactions were not pleasant.
Again he has not filed for grandparent rights and I am whole heartedly discouraging him from doing so. I am struggling living with him and his overly quietness, never wanting to leave the house socially and not communicating his feelings. To be franked neither of his daugters nor his ex are angels their selfishness and need for control got us to the point of estrangement and for that I blame them.
I'm sorry, your husband must
I'm sorry, your husband must be devastated.
He has to find a way to let go and move on. Send messages (mail, email, not Facebook) periodically to the surviving daughter and the widowed SIL, and hope for the best. Filing for Gparents rights will just create more drama and resentment and most likely, not work anyway.
the SD was damaged, by the
the SD was damaged, by the actions of her BM. This is not your DH's fault. There was nothing your DH could do to unwind the damage that was caused to his daughter by her BM. There is nothing your DH can do differently at this time to mend the relationship with him and his surviving daughter-its the daughters actions that have to change. DH can try again and again like he has done in the past to connect and show that he loves and cares for them, but a relationship wont work unless surviving SD heals from the damage caused by her BM.
This too shall pass. just love each other and love the kids around you.
A sad situation. Had DH
A sad situation. Had DH fought for a relationship with his children from day one of the divorce and to be a part of their lives and the lives of his GKs I could understand a GP rights suit. Since he apparently did none of those things I don't think a suit is appropriate at this point.
He needs to grieve and focus on his life rather than his guilt. Embracing his guilt will solve nothing at this point.
It is too late for either guilt or a law suit.
IMHO of course.
16 years is a long time
16 years is a long time hoping for someone to come around. It's sad that she died but without reconciliation but it is a two way street. I agree with the above statement, that it takes two to tango.
I have dealt with the loss of a stepchild.
I'm so sorry your family has to go through this. My 26 year old SS died suddenly of an illness. He and I weren't close, he and his dad were friendly but not what DH would have liked. BM vented to him a lot during the divorce and DH was blamed for their problems. It is difficult when you didn't have a relationship with your spouse's child. It's a different type of grieving because you are grieving for your spouse and what they are going through. It filters into your life and you have no control of your new normal. I feel guilty because I forget to be sensitive to a holiday coming up or a tv show that might remind DH of his son.
He (your husband) loved his daughter, he remembers the little girl and the good times from childhood. He has regrets, guilt and sadness. Whether any or all was his fault no longer matters except him forgiving himself and accepting it. You are right that reaching out to the family now may make things worse and be selfish. I would probably try to pursuade him to wait for them to come to him. I hope he has a good therapist, and you go to one too if you need too! Time does ease things and I hope you fair well on this journey.
We lost my youngest brother
We lost my youngest brother when he was 10mos old. My little brother was 2yo and I was 8yo. It destroyed my parents and me of course. My little brother was to young to remember.
It took years for my mom to work through the loss. My dad too for that matter. But dad had to gut it out and provide for the family. Mom locked it all inside and never really dealt with it. Until I left 7 years later for boarding school. My departure for school triggered severe anxiety in my mom. Ultimately she engaged a therapist to help her deal with all of it. My brother'd death, her delay in dealing with the grief and periodic severe debilitating anxiety attacks.
The loss of a loved one, particularly a child, at least as I saw the impact on my parents, is life alteringly painful. DH should address his grief and his life. My parents had to function due to their two remaining children. For my dad it was an active process, for my mom it was delayed due to her avoidance and not actively grieving. Ultimately it was much harder on my mom due to her avoidance.
Based on my families experience of losing my brother it would be good for your DH to get a therapist, actively work through the grief process and continue to live his life while he goes through that process.
My condolences to your DH and the family on the loss of your SD.
My condolences
Im sorry for your familys sorrow. Its a unique sort of pain we go through watching our loved one grieve. And unresolved family issues seem to make everything that much worse.
That sounds like a huge amount of alienation and control. That the father remain married or no dice.
Typically it seems like there is infidelity involved when the chidren lock out the father permanently. But BM is severely mental to move, and then turn the kids against their father and totally control them in this fashion. Because he did not want to remain married to their mother.
Toxic breeds toxic, in my experience.
Im sorry your DH is going through this - I hope he seeks counseling.