I'd rather die alone as a cold heartless bitch than live within that "family."
You don't owe her a thing, except the usual consideration due her as your husband's adult child. You don't owe her any money, you aren't required to share your home with her, you don't have to put up with the shabby treatment of you, you don't have to do jack. It's not "their home," it's YOUR MARITAL HOME that you built and share with your husband. Okay, so your husband also happens to be their father. That's fine. They don't have to think of you as their stepmother (I got my stepfather as an adult and, hey, I call him DAD, so age doesn't matter) but they do have to respect you as their father's wife and as the co-head of your household. This gripes me to no end! Can't imagine how it makes YOU feel.
But like I always say, your problem really isn't with the girls so much as it is with your husband, because he is allowing you to be mistreated and disrespected by his daughters and that is flat out wrong. All families, blended or traditional, need boundaries and if he doesn't establish some with his children, then he and he alone will be to blame for the friction in your family.
By the way, stepparents DO NOT HAVE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS TO THE STEPCHILDREN. PERIOD. We do contribute financially and in other ways, but it is not our responsibility. We do it because we are generous, loving, caring people who want to give to our stepchildren out of a sense of love and family, not out of a sense of obligation. It's not your job to be her ATM, her punching bag, her personal chef, her laundress, her housekeeper or her financial advisor. Give her the boot ASAP. If your hubby doesn't agree, then give him the boot, too. Once both your boots are worn out, refer back to the first sentence I typed...!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Especially after being married that long and enjoying your married life. Your step kids should be expected to treat you respectfully, regardless of age and the expectation should come from your DH. He should be supporting you, as his wife, in all of this. The age matter obviously wasn't an issue when he wanted to get married years ago. I love the line that you used about your husband being silent as he tried to remember where his balls were or something like that. That line is priceless and describes that expression that only DHs can have. My hubby sometimes forgets who he is married to as well (not his children and they aren't there for him when he needs support!). However, that is unlikely to change...I learned that with time. However, you should be able to insist on respect...the relationship between you and DH won't survive without it because he isn't respecting you either.
The matrimonial home is just that, the marriage home. They may consider it home...doubtful though...legally it is half yours and everything that you acquired together during your married life. (at least that is how things work here in Canada).
This isn't an easy situation and sounds like it is never ending. Just a case in point that children are present in a second marriage always...in some way, shape or form. Good luck in resolving this to bring you peace and happiness.
Clearly, if kids are older than 18... guess what. They are adults, the home for which THEY reside in is not THEIRS in less THEY pay the mortgage, am I not correct? Ask next time... Oh, I'm sorry, do you pay the mortgage here? They are NOT entitled to anything.
What I see is that clearly your SD is insecure and resentful about you. Instead of taking her fears, she's brought it to you. She feels threatened because you have a 'superior' role than she does in regards to her father. She's a spoiled brat- or at least acting like one. I certainly won't want that around me either!
You DH feels he's trapped in the middle. He doesn't want to get involved because he feels this is probably just woman quibbling. Well, it goes deeper than that. His daughter is clearly confused by the situation. I can guarantee that she is threatened by you, insecure because after all, you obviously have YOUR life together, and your the same age... see where I'm going?
Personally, if this were me, I'm with Anne on this one. I know it's easier said than done, but actions speak sooo much louder than words. Sometimes, you have to pack your things, walk out that door, and all of a sudden the world opens up to you. I think your SD needs that push. I think it's all excuses, personally.
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
How can DH say he's "proud" of his girls for "sticking up to you", they are not little ones anymore and not acting like adults. If I had ever talked to my SM or any of my dads GF like that even as a teen two words in he would have snapped on me.I was not raised to think I had a say in those matters unless EXTREME situation arose... My adult brother was staying W/ dad and did alot of chores, worked, helped W/ bills and had to be out in a year-He was HAPPY for the place to stay and did it as he was asked.DH should save his "pride" for when they are self-sufficient.
I just got out of this situation, but I had my husband on my side. We had quite a few arguments, but ultimately he sided with me that this was OUR house, not SD's and that we owed her nothing. She owed us for allowing her to move in. Your DH and you built YOUR home. If SD is living there, it is because you are kind, not because she is owed a loving, supporting family. She needs to get her butt in gear and start helping out. Your DH also needs to step up. You are his wife now and you must be treated with respect in your own home. Otherwise, he and his child need to find their own home. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you deserve better.
the lines are so blurry. Technically my partner wants my support dealing with his grown child. Clearly I am incapable/ unwilling and it is very damaging. Technically I just want to have my life back the way it was, and he is unwilling to damage his relationship with his daugther.
In the past month, I did some very stupid things
Our marriage is failing. We hate each other and are full of blame and name calling. He truly finds my behaviour despicable and abusive. He said I am being all "mine, mine, mine" when it comes to his time, things, our home. I think I am really doing wrong things mixed with desperate boundary setting, because he is not doing his parental work. I have not been loving or generous, I either don't have the heart for it, or (most likely) don't see any reason to treat a person of my age as a child with extra privileges or sensitivities.
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I don't know what to do. Booting her out will destroy the marriage, not booting her out will do the same. As my friend pointed out, this is no-win situation. I am still attached to DH.
Will keep you posted. I loved that idea (in some other post) about writing down an Action Plan. Maybe a bit too late for that one....
His job is done... they are grown! THEY ARE ADULTS! His parental work should've been done long before now. Now it's too late. He needs to think of them as any other adult mooching off of him and make it stop.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
not so for him. He is loving and giving person. to everyone. She nees help, therefore he will help her until she is 90! The problem is, if she does not grow up, he will really do it! THEREFORE, I am trying to raise her, somehow. Or encourage him to raise her.... oh, my I so don't want a divorce. And the Skids would be so happy if I get it.
Did I read something wrong? You are the same age as this kid who is starting issues? If that is a fact, then how do you propose to "raise" her "somehow"?
She is grown, right? How does that work?
It's awesome that he is loving and wonderful and giving. Very cool! But once his kids are grown, what is left for you to add into the mix?
I am in a similar situation with adult SD (21) who is being evicted from her apt. and wants to move in with DH and me (and our BC (5). She also would bring her own BC (3) to live with us! YIKES!!! I said I will put a for sale sign in the yard the day he agrees. I applaud you Anne! I am pretty cut and dry (like you *smiles*) and think too many of us SMs roll over. Thanks Anne for keeping our heads and hearts on the right track! I look forward to more of your advice.
hey - you sound so depressed and hitting on yourself - stop. My Dh called me an ogre for not allowing my SD to feed the cat and store the catfood in her room. (This was after I had allowed it for two months and found catfood all over, including in her bed). Yes - that is me, an Ogre.
Guess what - you aren't an ogre either. And being loving and generous does not include being a patsy or the complicit victim of a bunch of freeloaders!
Identify your boundaries! Write them out - and why you have those boundaries. It will show you that you are not being selfish or anything else. Your DH saying that your behavior is despicable and abusive is actually describing himself and the SD. Having thought through your boundaries, why you have them, and why they are important will help you develop a way to talk to your DH. From there, maybe you can do an action plan. I've gone through this with my DH over and over and over and over and over...
after days of not speaking, a long talk - really just blah-blah, but considering our situation it is a progress. He totally is convinced that I am petty and mean for demanding that she washes her dishes, or else "we both (him and I) should do the same". We focused on that one for hours, without any progress.
When she moved in the first time around, he just did what he does - i.e. go to his home office, close the door, withdraw. She was crying day in and day out about her then-heartbreak. Then got in the car and drove back into the hands of her "abusive" boyfriend. Then he dumped her for her own best friend, and she, after crying and hiding in "her room" (formerly my office), took off to the hills with pills and a suicidal phone call. After hours of driving in the dark, freaking out, we get to the hospital. Small, pitiful, she is plastered on the bed. DH is furios, I am holding her hand, huggging her, loving her up. Then she gets her stomach flushed, back home, NEVER dating again, for four weeks. Back into the arms of a new dude, at least a grown up (she loves boys even more than her dad's approval), so she knows that at least someone finds her attractive. No parental guidance through all of this with the exception that DH did not approve of the new boyfriend. He is just pounding on the keyboard through all of this, just like I am now. She is still spiraling into debt, barely making grades at her pre-requisites, and now she is moving in with the BF, to help him (hold on for this one!!!) to raise his 7-year old daugther. I am f..ing speechless, DH is kinda fine with that. I ask, if you have time to pick the kid from school, make meals, keep the house - perhaps you need to get more hours at work? Oh, no she replies, because if I work more, I get less student aid and more taxes. Well, I don't know..... sounds kind of reasonable. Then this BF dumps her, for his next door neighbor. Then we get another phone call at 3am to drive and save SD from another potential suicide as she is heartbroken, again. DH refused to drive(imagine that, there are moments here, perhaps his timing is off? In a situation like this maybe is better to drive there? But what do I know!). Then she comes back, licks her wounds, finds a job caretaking of an old woman, as a live-in nurse. Six weeks later SD is out of there, while dropping two out of three college classes, because she could not handle the pressure. Back here, broke. Still no parental inquiry from BM or DH as to "what is going on?" Where does all the money go? No overhead, except her high-end car (don't ask), lots of lingerie - must keep the self esteem up! AAAAAA.
WE talk heart to heart. She says she needs help. I say I am willing to help. Her success is my success. We determine she needs to go to a financial counselor and to an academic counselor. She wants to go to medical school! She is 29, broke and broken, not even in the real college yet, no degrees, wants to be an MD>>>>> mammamia!
I say, go to a university councelor, lets drop the cheerleading that our local college counselors love to do, Go-Go-Go Girl Style, and look at it long and hard. Time, money, biological clock. I am f...g 35 years old, I know how it ticks! Over my f...g head! She is all over this - lets do it, lets do it, I respect you and I need you , she said. Bottomline - nothing took place, so far (four weeks - I know, I know - I am impatient, but the semester starts in like 5 days!). DH and her talk about parking her high-end car (dont' ask about it!) and use the bus. The bus, you see, costs $3 per day, her car - $6 roundtrip just for gasoline. She comes and leaves our house, out of town, twice per day. That is $12/day x 6 times per week, nearly $320 per month. Did I say she is broke? Did I say this is how much it costs to enroll in our little community college for a full semester? About $380...... And she is taking out student loans..... Where are the parents? They have their own things to do, or they think she is doing an admirable job.
I am tired.
DH said he is going to rent her a place. I am actually (hold on) against, since frankly I am concerned with the consequences - the whole family chewing on my back for sending the poor little dear to be on her own. She has 17 more months here. I told him she stays, he cleans after her, he parents her as she needs it - the whole enchilada - with homework, check book balancing, going to counselors, checking in, howering the whole f...ing time, so when she is done, she is on her two f...ing feet!
More tomorrow - when she is back from Mommy's... I plan to apologize for the mean thing I did to her, and get to the boundaries as the next item.
I would drop all concern for her. LET HER PARENTS handle her... I won't give a lick-a-pop about it from here on it. She's a big girl, like someone once said here... make her put her big girl panties on and act like one.
The reason she is the way she is is because her parents allow it... and sadly, you're a rescue type. When it comes to decisions about/regarding/involving her, as much as it makes your blood boil, don't react, don't even respond. It's your DH's problem. If he doesn't want you to participate, and he wants to keep making excuses for 'his little girl' than let him... instead, I seriously think you should pack your bags, head out the door without a word and go off somewhere else for the weekend. That will give you a chance to catch your breath, and a chance for him to mull it all over.
AND WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Apologizing - is to recognize I was wrong and redirect negative attention from me to her. that is the plan. Otherwise, I feel like I will be sitting in my office and sleeping on my couch like this grump who acted stupid (which I did) and now is acting childish. Easier to say "I am really sorry for wrinkling your dress. I snapped in reaction to you not keeping up to the agreement we made. Now, lets sit down and talk about your situation."
I want my marriage back. It was sweet, lovely and fun. He is a withdrawn man, but I have energy for two, and always managed to get him out of his cave. Now he is in a total state of cornered down, by me and her. He said he is going to the bank tomorrow to get $$ to move her out. Not looking to find a place first you see, than the $$, the other way around. So heroic.
Cannot drop concern for her, because she will bleed his heart and ruin our marriage; perhaps the damage is irreversible already. I need to f....ing get her on her feet. No love lost here, just get her on her feet!!!!! I am getting a new job (hopefully) with more $$, perhaps I should just pay her debt off and get her off our backs??? naive, this will not get her off HIS back, just will cost me. But that would be great - ok, hon, this is the check, move on! don't come back asking for more.
When my sister-in-law went through her divorce, she came home brokenhearted and my in-laws paid for her divorce, paid of over $20k in debt and let her move in with them, where she lived for free and ran up THEIR credit cards, all while having her mother do everything for her. On top of all that, she GOT PREGNANT by a loser who could barely support himself. So... my in-laws bailed her out AGAIN. They paid for her second wedding, bought her a trailer for her and her loser husband to raise their child in and pretty much bought and paid for everything to go IN the trailer, not to mention all the cash they dropped on the baby. Fast forward to six years ago, when I came into the picture. I married my DH and, after a year of marriage, we decided to have a baby. Guess what? Not to be outdone, SIL gets pregnant, too! Forget that she is STILL mooching off her parents because she and her husband can't make ends meet. She knows she'll always have Mommy and Daddy to pay her way through life. Now my MIL is doing most of the babysitting, which she shouldn't be doing at her age and with her health, still lets her daughter borrow her credit cards, still buys them expensive things when they can't afford it (computers, iPods, etc.) and still gives them money left and right. My SIL and her husband are in their FORTIES! My biggest fear? Someday my in-laws will pass and then who will be expected to support SIL, her loser husband and their two kids? NOT ME AND MY HUSBAND! I'm already worried about what will happen when they read the will, because we'll have our share coming to us, but she will have already spent hers. At least my MIL had the willpower to ensure SIL wouldn't get DH's share. Yes, sometimes kids - the adult kids - need help. I went home after my divorce, too. But I worked full time, did all the cleaning and laundry, shared the cooking and grocery shopping duties, paid for my 1/3 of the utilities and was only there long enough to finalize my divorce and close on a house of my own. So the warning is, don't ever bail them out like my MIL did or they will keep coming back to syphon money out of you.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Everyone around her is enabling her to be this way... I'm afraid even if you paid her debts, well... guess what, that's just another enabler...
Yes, Daddy, I'm afraid will always come to her rescue. I feel for you. There is no way I could handle this situation, no way. I'm WAAAAYYYYYYYY too stubborn for this one. Your SD knows exactly what she's doing... she's manipulating to her advantage. Daddy will do for her, so why should she succeed. She doesn't NEED to be a success in school, because she's got Daddy to take care of her. No, she had this planned out and pegged, I'm afraid.
Have you ever tried taking your DH to counseling or getting some books to try another 'method'? I know you're trying. You're at your wits end.
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
for words. I just worry I'm headed in this direction. Sounds like SD needs counseling just as much as DH. If he's anything like mine, he thinks that's the craziest thought ever. "No one in this house, but you, needs therapy" has been a favorite comment he's made to me.
I wouldn't pay her bills off though. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, you definitely need time for yourself and I'd wash my hands of her and let the parents deal with it. I wouldn't invite her to one more meal you cook, wash one more piece of her clothing, etc. If DH doesn't want your advice and won't even consider your advice, then he doesn't get your help.
CUT THEM OFF
I'd rather die alone as a cold heartless bitch than live within that "family."
You don't owe her a thing, except the usual consideration due her as your husband's adult child. You don't owe her any money, you aren't required to share your home with her, you don't have to put up with the shabby treatment of you, you don't have to do jack. It's not "their home," it's YOUR MARITAL HOME that you built and share with your husband. Okay, so your husband also happens to be their father. That's fine. They don't have to think of you as their stepmother (I got my stepfather as an adult and, hey, I call him DAD, so age doesn't matter) but they do have to respect you as their father's wife and as the co-head of your household. This gripes me to no end! Can't imagine how it makes YOU feel.
But like I always say, your problem really isn't with the girls so much as it is with your husband, because he is allowing you to be mistreated and disrespected by his daughters and that is flat out wrong. All families, blended or traditional, need boundaries and if he doesn't establish some with his children, then he and he alone will be to blame for the friction in your family.
By the way, stepparents DO NOT HAVE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS TO THE STEPCHILDREN. PERIOD. We do contribute financially and in other ways, but it is not our responsibility. We do it because we are generous, loving, caring people who want to give to our stepchildren out of a sense of love and family, not out of a sense of obligation. It's not your job to be her ATM, her punching bag, her personal chef, her laundress, her housekeeper or her financial advisor. Give her the boot ASAP. If your hubby doesn't agree, then give him the boot, too. Once both your boots are worn out, refer back to the first sentence I typed...!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
That is quite the situation to have to deal with
Especially after being married that long and enjoying your married life. Your step kids should be expected to treat you respectfully, regardless of age and the expectation should come from your DH. He should be supporting you, as his wife, in all of this. The age matter obviously wasn't an issue when he wanted to get married years ago. I love the line that you used about your husband being silent as he tried to remember where his balls were or something like that. That line is priceless and describes that expression that only DHs can have. My hubby sometimes forgets who he is married to as well (not his children and they aren't there for him when he needs support!). However, that is unlikely to change...I learned that with time. However, you should be able to insist on respect...the relationship between you and DH won't survive without it because he isn't respecting you either.
The matrimonial home is just that, the marriage home. They may consider it home...doubtful though...legally it is half yours and everything that you acquired together during your married life. (at least that is how things work here in Canada).
This isn't an easy situation and sounds like it is never ending. Just a case in point that children are present in a second marriage always...in some way, shape or form. Good luck in resolving this to bring you peace and happiness.
She's HOW old?!?!?!
Clearly, if kids are older than 18... guess what. They are adults, the home for which THEY reside in is not THEIRS in less THEY pay the mortgage, am I not correct? Ask next time... Oh, I'm sorry, do you pay the mortgage here? They are NOT entitled to anything.
What I see is that clearly your SD is insecure and resentful about you. Instead of taking her fears, she's brought it to you. She feels threatened because you have a 'superior' role than she does in regards to her father. She's a spoiled brat- or at least acting like one. I certainly won't want that around me either!
You DH feels he's trapped in the middle. He doesn't want to get involved because he feels this is probably just woman quibbling. Well, it goes deeper than that. His daughter is clearly confused by the situation. I can guarantee that she is threatened by you, insecure because after all, you obviously have YOUR life together, and your the same age... see where I'm going?
Personally, if this were me, I'm with Anne on this one. I know it's easier said than done, but actions speak sooo much louder than words. Sometimes, you have to pack your things, walk out that door, and all of a sudden the world opens up to you. I think your SD needs that push. I think it's all excuses, personally.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You both covered it
How can DH say he's "proud" of his girls for "sticking up to you", they are not little ones anymore and not acting like adults. If I had ever talked to my SM or any of my dads GF like that even as a teen two words in he would have snapped on me.I was not raised to think I had a say in those matters unless EXTREME situation arose... My adult brother was staying W/ dad and did alot of chores, worked, helped W/ bills and had to be out in a year-He was HAPPY for the place to stay and did it as he was asked.DH should save his "pride" for when they are self-sufficient.
Oh No Freakin' Way!
I just got out of this situation, but I had my husband on my side. We had quite a few arguments, but ultimately he sided with me that this was OUR house, not SD's and that we owed her nothing. She owed us for allowing her to move in. Your DH and you built YOUR home. If SD is living there, it is because you are kind, not because she is owed a loving, supporting family. She needs to get her butt in gear and start helping out. Your DH also needs to step up. You are his wife now and you must be treated with respect in your own home. Otherwise, he and his child need to find their own home. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you deserve better.
at loss...
the lines are so blurry. Technically my partner wants my support dealing with his grown child. Clearly I am incapable/ unwilling and it is very damaging. Technically I just want to have my life back the way it was, and he is unwilling to damage his relationship with his daugther.
In the past month, I did some very stupid things
Our marriage is failing. We hate each other and are full of blame and name calling. He truly finds my behaviour despicable and abusive. He said I am being all "mine, mine, mine" when it comes to his time, things, our home. I think I am really doing wrong things mixed with desperate boundary setting, because he is not doing his parental work. I have not been loving or generous, I either don't have the heart for it, or (most likely) don't see any reason to treat a person of my age as a child with extra privileges or sensitivities.
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I don't know what to do. Booting her out will destroy the marriage, not booting her out will do the same. As my friend pointed out, this is no-win situation. I am still attached to DH.
Will keep you posted. I loved that idea (in some other post) about writing down an Action Plan. Maybe a bit too late for that one....
Parental work?!
His job is done... they are grown! THEY ARE ADULTS! His parental work should've been done long before now. Now it's too late. He needs to think of them as any other adult mooching off of him and make it stop.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
not so for him. He is loving
not so for him. He is loving and giving person. to everyone. She nees help, therefore he will help her until she is 90! The problem is, if she does not grow up, he will really do it! THEREFORE, I am trying to raise her, somehow. Or encourage him to raise her.... oh, my I so don't want a divorce. And the Skids would be so happy if I get it.
I am with Anne.
But I'd also like to add this: WTF?
Did I read something wrong? You are the same age as this kid who is starting issues? If that is a fact, then how do you propose to "raise" her "somehow"?
She is grown, right? How does that work?
It's awesome that he is loving and wonderful and giving. Very cool! But once his kids are grown, what is left for you to add into the mix?
I am SO confused.
Anne kicks butt
I am in a similar situation with adult SD (21) who is being evicted from her apt. and wants to move in with DH and me (and our BC (5). She also would bring her own BC (3) to live with us! YIKES!!! I said I will put a for sale sign in the yard the day he agrees. I applaud you Anne! I am pretty cut and dry (like you *smiles*) and think too many of us SMs roll over. Thanks Anne for keeping our heads and hearts on the right track! I look forward to more of your advice.
LS
Write it out anyway
hey - you sound so depressed and hitting on yourself - stop. My Dh called me an ogre for not allowing my SD to feed the cat and store the catfood in her room. (This was after I had allowed it for two months and found catfood all over, including in her bed). Yes - that is me, an Ogre.
Guess what - you aren't an ogre either. And being loving and generous does not include being a patsy or the complicit victim of a bunch of freeloaders!
Identify your boundaries! Write them out - and why you have those boundaries. It will show you that you are not being selfish or anything else. Your DH saying that your behavior is despicable and abusive is actually describing himself and the SD. Having thought through your boundaries, why you have them, and why they are important will help you develop a way to talk to your DH. From there, maybe you can do an action plan. I've gone through this with my DH over and over and over and over and over...
Keep posting. You can and will get through this.
long talk with DH - long report too...
after days of not speaking, a long talk - really just blah-blah, but considering our situation it is a progress. He totally is convinced that I am petty and mean for demanding that she washes her dishes, or else "we both (him and I) should do the same". We focused on that one for hours, without any progress.
When she moved in the first time around, he just did what he does - i.e. go to his home office, close the door, withdraw. She was crying day in and day out about her then-heartbreak. Then got in the car and drove back into the hands of her "abusive" boyfriend. Then he dumped her for her own best friend, and she, after crying and hiding in "her room" (formerly my office), took off to the hills with pills and a suicidal phone call. After hours of driving in the dark, freaking out, we get to the hospital. Small, pitiful, she is plastered on the bed. DH is furios, I am holding her hand, huggging her, loving her up. Then she gets her stomach flushed, back home, NEVER dating again, for four weeks. Back into the arms of a new dude, at least a grown up (she loves boys even more than her dad's approval), so she knows that at least someone finds her attractive. No parental guidance through all of this with the exception that DH did not approve of the new boyfriend. He is just pounding on the keyboard through all of this, just like I am now. She is still spiraling into debt, barely making grades at her pre-requisites, and now she is moving in with the BF, to help him (hold on for this one!!!) to raise his 7-year old daugther. I am f..ing speechless, DH is kinda fine with that. I ask, if you have time to pick the kid from school, make meals, keep the house - perhaps you need to get more hours at work? Oh, no she replies, because if I work more, I get less student aid and more taxes. Well, I don't know..... sounds kind of reasonable. Then this BF dumps her, for his next door neighbor. Then we get another phone call at 3am to drive and save SD from another potential suicide as she is heartbroken, again. DH refused to drive(imagine that, there are moments here, perhaps his timing is off? In a situation like this maybe is better to drive there? But what do I know!). Then she comes back, licks her wounds, finds a job caretaking of an old woman, as a live-in nurse. Six weeks later SD is out of there, while dropping two out of three college classes, because she could not handle the pressure. Back here, broke. Still no parental inquiry from BM or DH as to "what is going on?" Where does all the money go? No overhead, except her high-end car (don't ask), lots of lingerie - must keep the self esteem up! AAAAAA.
WE talk heart to heart. She says she needs help. I say I am willing to help. Her success is my success. We determine she needs to go to a financial counselor and to an academic counselor. She wants to go to medical school! She is 29, broke and broken, not even in the real college yet, no degrees, wants to be an MD>>>>> mammamia!
I say, go to a university councelor, lets drop the cheerleading that our local college counselors love to do, Go-Go-Go Girl Style, and look at it long and hard. Time, money, biological clock. I am f...g 35 years old, I know how it ticks! Over my f...g head! She is all over this - lets do it, lets do it, I respect you and I need you , she said. Bottomline - nothing took place, so far (four weeks - I know, I know - I am impatient, but the semester starts in like 5 days!). DH and her talk about parking her high-end car (dont' ask about it!) and use the bus. The bus, you see, costs $3 per day, her car - $6 roundtrip just for gasoline. She comes and leaves our house, out of town, twice per day. That is $12/day x 6 times per week, nearly $320 per month. Did I say she is broke? Did I say this is how much it costs to enroll in our little community college for a full semester? About $380...... And she is taking out student loans..... Where are the parents? They have their own things to do, or they think she is doing an admirable job.
I am tired.
DH said he is going to rent her a place. I am actually (hold on) against, since frankly I am concerned with the consequences - the whole family chewing on my back for sending the poor little dear to be on her own. She has 17 more months here. I told him she stays, he cleans after her, he parents her as she needs it - the whole enchilada - with homework, check book balancing, going to counselors, checking in, howering the whole f...ing time, so when she is done, she is on her two f...ing feet!
More tomorrow - when she is back from Mommy's... I plan to apologize for the mean thing I did to her, and get to the boundaries as the next item.
Thanks ladies!
Now, share your stories.
You know what?
I would drop all concern for her. LET HER PARENTS handle her... I won't give a lick-a-pop about it from here on it. She's a big girl, like someone once said here... make her put her big girl panties on and act like one.
The reason she is the way she is is because her parents allow it... and sadly, you're a rescue type. When it comes to decisions about/regarding/involving her, as much as it makes your blood boil, don't react, don't even respond. It's your DH's problem. If he doesn't want you to participate, and he wants to keep making excuses for 'his little girl' than let him... instead, I seriously think you should pack your bags, head out the door without a word and go off somewhere else for the weekend. That will give you a chance to catch your breath, and a chance for him to mull it all over.
AND WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
listening and learning
Apologizing - is to recognize I was wrong and redirect negative attention from me to her. that is the plan. Otherwise, I feel like I will be sitting in my office and sleeping on my couch like this grump who acted stupid (which I did) and now is acting childish. Easier to say "I am really sorry for wrinkling your dress. I snapped in reaction to you not keeping up to the agreement we made. Now, lets sit down and talk about your situation."
I want my marriage back. It was sweet, lovely and fun. He is a withdrawn man, but I have energy for two, and always managed to get him out of his cave. Now he is in a total state of cornered down, by me and her. He said he is going to the bank tomorrow to get $$ to move her out. Not looking to find a place first you see, than the $$, the other way around. So heroic.
Cannot drop concern for her, because she will bleed his heart and ruin our marriage; perhaps the damage is irreversible already. I need to f....ing get her on her feet. No love lost here, just get her on her feet!!!!! I am getting a new job (hopefully) with more $$, perhaps I should just pay her debt off and get her off our backs??? naive, this will not get her off HIS back, just will cost me. But that would be great - ok, hon, this is the check, move on! don't come back asking for more.
REALLY bad idea...
When my sister-in-law went through her divorce, she came home brokenhearted and my in-laws paid for her divorce, paid of over $20k in debt and let her move in with them, where she lived for free and ran up THEIR credit cards, all while having her mother do everything for her. On top of all that, she GOT PREGNANT by a loser who could barely support himself. So... my in-laws bailed her out AGAIN. They paid for her second wedding, bought her a trailer for her and her loser husband to raise their child in and pretty much bought and paid for everything to go IN the trailer, not to mention all the cash they dropped on the baby. Fast forward to six years ago, when I came into the picture. I married my DH and, after a year of marriage, we decided to have a baby. Guess what? Not to be outdone, SIL gets pregnant, too! Forget that she is STILL mooching off her parents because she and her husband can't make ends meet. She knows she'll always have Mommy and Daddy to pay her way through life. Now my MIL is doing most of the babysitting, which she shouldn't be doing at her age and with her health, still lets her daughter borrow her credit cards, still buys them expensive things when they can't afford it (computers, iPods, etc.) and still gives them money left and right. My SIL and her husband are in their FORTIES! My biggest fear? Someday my in-laws will pass and then who will be expected to support SIL, her loser husband and their two kids? NOT ME AND MY HUSBAND! I'm already worried about what will happen when they read the will, because we'll have our share coming to us, but she will have already spent hers. At least my MIL had the willpower to ensure SIL wouldn't get DH's share. Yes, sometimes kids - the adult kids - need help. I went home after my divorce, too. But I worked full time, did all the cleaning and laundry, shared the cooking and grocery shopping duties, paid for my 1/3 of the utilities and was only there long enough to finalize my divorce and close on a house of my own. So the warning is, don't ever bail them out like my MIL did or they will keep coming back to syphon money out of you.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
You know...
I finally moved out, got married, and I'M STILL CLEANING MY MOTHER'S HOUSE!!! LOL...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Me too
I moved out and got married at 23 and STILL CLEAN MY DAD'S HOUSE!! And cook for him all the time! LOL
*high five*
Sadly, though...
Everyone around her is enabling her to be this way... I'm afraid even if you paid her debts, well... guess what, that's just another enabler...
Yes, Daddy, I'm afraid will always come to her rescue. I feel for you. There is no way I could handle this situation, no way. I'm WAAAAYYYYYYYY too stubborn for this one. Your SD knows exactly what she's doing... she's manipulating to her advantage. Daddy will do for her, so why should she succeed. She doesn't NEED to be a success in school, because she's got Daddy to take care of her. No, she had this planned out and pegged, I'm afraid.
Have you ever tried taking your DH to counseling or getting some books to try another 'method'? I know you're trying. You're at your wits end.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I'm at a lose
for words. I just worry I'm headed in this direction. Sounds like SD needs counseling just as much as DH. If he's anything like mine, he thinks that's the craziest thought ever. "No one in this house, but you, needs therapy" has been a favorite comment he's made to me.
I wouldn't pay her bills off though. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, you definitely need time for yourself and I'd wash my hands of her and let the parents deal with it. I wouldn't invite her to one more meal you cook, wash one more piece of her clothing, etc. If DH doesn't want your advice and won't even consider your advice, then he doesn't get your help.