Is it normal for the "kids" to want to retain their bond with dad and ignore the new SM? Regretfully, yes.  You sound like a kind person who wants to play a pleasant and beneficial role in their lives.  They couldn't care less.

If you search around on this site, you will read about disengagement.  That's your best bet here.  Maintain a polite and civil relationship with them.  Make sure your DH has your back, ie, doesnt allow any disrespect.  It will all be fine.  You will have to give up your fantady of a close, wzrm relationsjip with them but it is what it is.

Keep having fun with your DH!  Good luck.

Once the grands are around you can make a relationship with them! Nicer than skids

I agree with JRI, disengagement here is your best bet.  You can't make skids like you, no matter their age.  And the more you try, the more they push back.  This issue isn't yours to fix, it is the skids' personal problems.  And it's common for skids to treat stepparents this way unfortunately. 

I would disengage from his kids and enjoy your time with DH! 

Disengagement is your friend. Follow the advice of the other comments. And do it now as to avoid the huge breach we had because of me tolerating so much for so long. 

My story:

DHs kids chose a public venue to make sure I "KNEW" I would never be anything to their kids, just as they made sure I knew I would never be anything to them throughout my marriage. While I wanted different, I cannot change DHs kids and must honor what they want. Did it hurt? Oh, hell yes. And the humiliating event did a lot of emotional damage to myself, which took me about 4 years to process and work through in counseling (also looked at WHY this affect me so much so lots of healing for me).

I completely disengaged and have not seen any of DHs kids in 5 years. DH has seen his kids away from our marital home in those years. Today, I am moving towards "interacting" with them again but on MY terms. His youngest has visited our home twice last year. I chose not to interact. But when I do it, it will be civil and superficial, like the cashier checking me out kind of interactions. I will be kind but distant and I will let DH visit with his kids while I do my thing. 

I have accepted I am DHs wife; his kids have (or had, as BM died) two parents and DH's grandkids have the grandparents they need. This really is a good thing as it frees me from having to do anything "grandmotherly" for DHs grands. That's his job. That includes planning his visits, gift buying and any babysitting would be his chore alone. Not that I would not be kind to DHs grandkids.....they are innocent....but I won't let my heart get roped in as I've seen DHs kids in action. I will not tolerate anyone using a child as a weapon so to avoid that, I'll stay detached. 

I know my self worth...I am good, kind, loving, giving woman. If DHs kids don't want my goodness, there is a world of hurting people out there that do need me. And WANT me. Don't focus on what you don't have via SKs...focus on what you do have in your life. And if you don't see any good, then go find it. Best to you. Tough journey.

These are adults, you aren't a SM to them. You are "just dad's wife". That is totally and completely ok. In time, they will be grateful to you and that you are there to be with their dad after their mom passed. 

Just disengage, live your best life with your husband and don't worry about the relationship with his kids. It will either happen naturally or it won't- both are ok. As long as you are kind to them and they are respectful of you- that is all that needs to happen. 

Unfortunately, you need to adjust your expectations with his kids.

Given the time of their life when you got together.. they likely just see you as Dad's Wife.. and there is NOTHING wrong with that.. as long as they are civil to you.. and aren't actively trying to undercut your relationship.. and just are not interest in having a close familial relationship with you.

Sending photos daily and calls a couple times of week is not excessive.. they seem like a close family.  My DH talks to my father and his father and his kids daily.. he also sends pictures almost every day.. it's not abnormal.. and nothing for me to be jealous of.. it takes nothing from my relationship with my DH.

I'm sure that you are a wonderful person.. but they don't see a need to have a relationship like that with you.. it may be that you are not their type of person.. or it may be that they are having some alliegance to their departed mother.. but whatever.. they are adults and can choose who they have a relationship with.

I'm sorry you felt you were coming into a ready made grandma situation.. but it does not seem they have any interest in you fulfilling that role.

So.. great.. you are free from those obligations.. forge connections with people who are interested in you.. enjoy your life with your DH.. travel.. have fun... volunteer.. whatever makes you fulfilled.  but you can't rely on them to enrich your life.. you just simply have to look elsewhere.

Now.. if your DH is not sharing his time appropriately.. leaving you home all the time while he goes out and enjoys "family  days".. then that is a husband problem.. and while it's fine for him to have a relationship with them that doesn't really involve you.. not if it is overtaking his life. and you should be invited to reasonably normal social events where married couples are invited ... they don't have to love or like you.. but they have to respect you as their father's wife.. but that does not confer any family connection to them for you or force them to have a relationship.

I have walked this walk for many, many years. Believe and trust in when I say, sadly, it will not improve. It does not matter how good of a person you are, what you do, or don't....just understand, accept, it is them not you and make a great life for yourself without them. They will crush you if you don't stand up don't wait to take control for yourself.

All of the advice above is great and will help you. Completely disengage sooner not later. I do not agree that this is normal...just no. I am a stepchild for 20+ from large group of us (7). This is not normal. We all love, support each other and everyone loves and takes care of the parents. This behavior you are experiencing is not normal...it is dysfunctional and disordered.

Buckle in, this gets bumpy until we understand we need take control of ourselves, our home, and our relationships. These people will never change.

Best to you...play your cards well!!

This is ALL normal for stepfamily situations but even worse for anyone dating or married to a widower.

You have all the normal loyalty binds that a regular step situation would have, but now you have a dead wife who will be remembered as a saint............whether or not she actually was.

They are likely happy that there is someone to take care of dad, but they also likely feel like they are betraying their mother's memory if they accept you as his wife and potentially a grandmother. Never mind that it's good when your children have as many loving relationships as possible. They are depriving their children out of a misplaced loyalty to a dead woman.

How do I know? I have been in a relationship with a widower for nearly 4 years. His late wife, by all accounts, was a loving, funny and warm woman. They had one daughter (34) and she has been friendly to me, but we are not close. I have accepted it. I can see it from her POV. She lost her mom nearly 8 years ago and they were close. I can never fill that role. The most I expect is courtesy and a degree of kindness. I am open to her wanting to be more friendly or to build a relationship, but I will not be the driver - she has to pursue it.

I am happy to be her father's girlfriend/partner...whatever.

My kids don't need a dad and she doesn't need a new mom.

Do you have kids of your own? I urge you to dispense with the Brady Bunch fantasy. It's rarely "one big happy family."

((hugs))

Welcome to steptalk.

It varies family to family, but youve gotten some great commentary.

I have 2 SDs and I came into their lives when there was time for me to be a 'stepparent', however through the years the relationships have devolved into "I am their fathers wife and thats pretty much it".

And thats ok. As long as they are respectful (hahaha feral forger SD23 doesnt know how to be respectful) and civil, I must accept that I will never have an important role in their life or any children they may have. When I first started over 8 years ago, I envisioned being an active part of their lives, and contributing my knowledge and attention. Didnt happen at all with SD23 Feral Forger. SD16 Power sulk, well that ship has also sailed.

Their loss. I spend time focusing on me and my happiness.

Unfortunately, my experience is similar and consistent with the previous comments.  Despite being a part of my SD's life since she was a toddler, she has grown into an adult (now in her 30's) who prefers to pretend I don't exist.  It sounds to me like you are doing everything right and that your DH is trying to help the situation, but sadly, that hasn't been successful in my experience.  For me, the more I try the more I'm margainalized.  Like you, I see this as a huge lost opportunity for the grandchildren to have access to people to love them, and vice versa.  Disengagment is difficult for me because I think it should be so simple for an adult SD to show common courtesy and respect, but it's the only way for me to stay sane.  As hard as it is, focus on the good relationships you have (which I'm sure there are many) and don't give this bad one any of your energy.  

I'd love to have a better relationship with my DH's adult kids too. But I spent way too many years, too much money and time, trying too hard to be part of their family. They are not interested in a relationship with me, even though they begrudgingly admit their Dad is happy. For the most part, they are civilized and polite when we are together. They are adults and they get to decide who they have relationships with. Trying to force it only  makes it worse.

Once I accepted that, it took some time and practice to disengage. They maintain the relationship they wish with their father, and as long as that relationship doesn't adversely affect me, it just rolls along without  me. The few times it HAS interferred with me or there were expectations of my time or money that were just assumed, then it got a little ugly, both between DH and me and between DH and his kids.

Honestly, once I was able to let it go my life got a lot more peaceful. I didn't announce to DH that I was disengaging, I just slowly did so.

I hope you can make peace with it and let go of the happy family fantasy.

In some recent conversations with my Dad, I realized that HE was one of those adult skids.  This wasn't something I was really aware of at the time. He never considered his mother's second husband his stepfather (they married when Dad was about 30).  He was polite and respectful to him when he was around him, but I now know he had no respect for him as a person (grandma cheated on Dad's father with 2nd husband).  He never once called 2nd husband for any reason - the only time he talked to him on the phone was when he called his mom on their landline and 2nd husband answered; Dad would make small talk until grandma made it to the phone.  He didn't give 2nd husband Christmas gifts and had no clue when his birthday was.  He did always bring a bottle of wine or liquor as a "house" gift.  Outside of the times when we'd pay holiday visits to grandma, Dad had no contact with 2nd husband.  Grandma told us kids to call 2nd husband Grandpa Ralph, and we did and Dad never told us not to, although he would sometimes tell us when we referred to him as such when we were at home that he was NOT our grandfather.  Dad and 2nd husband had only the most superficial of relationships and my Dad wanted no more (don't know whether 2nd husband did or not - probably not).  Dad was kind to him at grandma's funeral, and never saw or spoke with him again thereafter.  

I consider my father to be a good person, but he pretty much did exactly what OP is describing for the 25+ years that his mom was married to her 2nd husband, and his brothers did the same.  I suspect this was not because 2nd husband was the affair partner - Dad and his siblings acknowledge that their father treated their mother poorly and that it was good that she left him - but more that they didn't need a stepfather, had busy lives and had little in common with 2nd Husband.

"normal adults" could behave in this manner.

I agree, disengagement is the best path, not for them, but for YOU. It's kind of how forgiveness works. It's not for the other person, it sets YOU free. Otherwise, I've heard it put as, "It's like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die."

It may be a tough transition, and it is a process, but once you master it, you'll find you are all the better for having made the choice that best suits you.

Kudos to your husband for trying.

Something that is well known amongst we "outsiders" is that:

1.) The more attractive you are, the more jealousy rears its ugly green head.

2.) The more talented or educated you are, the more a threat you are perceived to be and that creates feelings of inferiority and inadequacy in someone who isn't comfortable in their own skin.

3.) You have DH all to yourself, which often times SKs did not and they've been engaging in attention seeking behaviors a lot of their lifetime in order to get daddy to notice them, or to make themselves worthy of his praise and adoration.

4.) The dead spouse is of saintly status. They did nothing wrong. They were perfect in every way. They are forever memorialized as SAINTS. You can never compete with a saint, so never try.

5.) No matter how wonderful you are, how much DH enjoys you, your company and your talents, he will be treated like the one eyed red-headed step child if he ever utters a kind word of praise or recongition about you to his kids. TO them, you're the evil hag who replaced their irreplacable  mother.

So...when he's got a play date with his kids, you schedule your own. Meet friends for lunch, read a book, drink a glass of wine, get a  pedicure, eat the chocolate, buy new shoes, WHATEVER it is that you think YOU need to do to indulge yourself. You're WORTH IT!

My story is one of the worst by far...I'd give you the nutshell version, but even that would be a soliloquy too long for one to endure.