How long have you two been together? Do you have any kind of pact that one would help the other if he/she lost his/her job? How is your marriage otherwise?

My husband used to pay everything for his ex as well....she never had to work a day in her life and never will with the fortune he pays in alimony. And now if he makes a little more than me he always wants to buy himself something nice. Forget the fact that he will retire 9 years before me and expect me to support him....LOL.

I guess if you have separate accounts, you can't expect him to spend money where you want him to. But if you are paying bills because he's crying poor mouth, that needs to be talked about.

You guys need a heart to heart about finances and/or see a therapist.

*Hugs*

Since you have no job anyway I would suggest taking some time for yourself just to recover emotionally. Visit your parents for a week or two. Use that time to clarify your priorities. Sometime we get so caught up in the drama of DH/SKIDS that we forget about our own priorities until it is too late.

Re: finances since a good chunk of his money goes to BM, you need to learn to pay yourself. Set aside money for a retirement plan. DON'T SPEND YOUR SAVINGS! Invest them. I have learned that if I don't set aside money for myself, every.single.cent will be spent on the household, even though my DH also works.

I am so sorry about your parents. You still need a break though. I can feel that you are really overwhelmed.

It sounds like you've been the hard working "sugar momma" and now he's had extra cash to throw around and be "Mr. Generous," something he couldn't do with the ex. Does your DH have a hard time saying NO? The old church likely called and guilted him into a large contribution }:)

Even with separate accounts it's important to be on the same page about your financial situation. I hope you and your husband can resolve this.

Based on the way you have responded to people here trying to help you, I understand why your husband made the comment about you being the trouble maker/the one no one can get along with.

I guess what you want is love and light. Not thoughtful replies or good, solid advice. (Sue was spot on)

So here you go....so sorry this is happening. I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish for each of your coming days to be filled with peace. Everything will be fine. This too shall pass. Stay strong. Be the change you want to see. Hugs.

dadswife, I do understand. I actually went through something very similar about a year ago, and maybe that alone will help that someone went through something similar to you and is now okay one year later. Anyway, I can totally relate to many of your comments. All of this pretty much happened to me overnight too: Losing a job and feeling like you've been hit by a car, feeling like you've been independent and have financially helped your husband out for years (not that you paid child support, but like many women you've had to pay for things to make up for his lack of funds due to child support), your husband acting like you having no job is not that big of a deal and you are still supposed to pay your share (we also have completely seperate accounts), feeling betrayed and then some because, yeah!, you know he appeared to treat his ex- way better, etc. I went through all of this and even more. I had to go through getting my butt kicked at his daughter's wedding too. HOWEVER, I don't want to minimize what you are going through, because everyone's situation is different, and I understand the fear and angst and shame and anxiety that goes with all of this.

There are many good recommendations above. Hopefully those above won't mind me borrowing some of them.
1) Note to new SMs, if you have seperate accounts--Do you have any kind of pact that one would help the other if he/she lost his/her job? If you don't, make some type of pact with your DH or SO. My DH and I never thought about this either, and if we had something in place prior to any one of us getting laid off, this may have helped.
2) Taking some time for yourself just to recover emotionally is important. Some do this better at home and some need to get away. You don't have to see mom or dad. It can be anyone or anywhere.
3) Clarify your priorities and be sure to include yourself in those priorities. Sometime we get so caught up in the drama of DH/SKIDS that we forget about our own priorities until it is too late.
4) Set aside money for a retirement plan. DON'T SPEND YOUR SAVINGS! Invest them. I have learned that if I don't set aside money for myself, every.single.cent will be spent on the household, even though my DH also works.
5) Just start job hunting so you can get yourself out of this funk AND feel alive/proactive. You could start with temp agencies, AFTER you've taken some time for yourself to sort out your feelings/situation. Just be a little careful, that you don't take too much time off. (One of the best jobs I ever had started out as a temp. job.)
6) Start small. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor yourself, and I can tell you from my own experiences, this really helped me get my feeling sorted out. Because, like you, I was beginning to question my own marriage. I'd avoid a pastor or similar. Their advice is usually to tell women in general to suck it up and take it. See a professional, well-trained counselor that gets step-parent issues.

Again, there are many issues you are having that I can relate to too. I get that you thought you and DH had a marriage, were husband and wife. And, then, when the bomb hit, you feel like you really don't and maybe hever really had a real husband or a 100% husband. I can relate to that. What I'm starting to figure out a year later, is that I do NOT have a TRADITONAL husband, but I do have a husband. I openly told my husband I (and I did use the word "I" even though at the time I thought he more of a ding-dong) was going through a rough time and was going to see a counselor (one also certified in marriage counseling) on my own. I got lucky and got a good therapist, who helped me sort things out and put my priorities in order, and even gave me quizzes or recommendations of things to try with my husband. I'm doing okay now. There are still some things to work on. I have a job, but not an ideal job, but I have a job, my husband and I BOTH realized we were taking each other for granted, and are getting our marriage back on track and I dare hope to even improve it. WOW! This is getting long. Anyway, I understand and best of luck to you.

You're angry about being called names but accept that because your DH won't change. You're angry about paying the bills but accept that because your DH won't change.
You're angry about not having a job anymore and don't trust your DH to take care of financial matters but accept that because your DH won't change.
And your VOWS to this marriage are more important than insisting that your DH treat you and your marriage respectfully and you accept that because your DH won't change.

But, you wish things were different. Well, in Wishland, things ARE different! In reality, people have to face their demons in order to conquer them.

What if you demanded things be different with your DH? Would your marriage end? Is there no middle ground of seeking a different path together, one that makes you both happy?

If you decide you'd rather stay in this marriage as it is right now, feeling as you do... you don't need to post online for support, because it's your commitment and choice to follow this path.

It's difficult to change lifestyles suddenly when one loses their job. It sounds like you are panicking a little and I would too. I would try to keep things in perspective.

You cannot afford to pay for things you did before like money towards his truck and insurance, all the groceries and the Christmas gifts for his family. Let him be responsible for his personal bills and his family's gifts.

Neither of you can afford the large donations to any church right now. It may be a good idea to put yourself on a budget to see what you can reasonably afford to contribute to and stick to it. If he acts like he's broke, oh well. That is his problem. Stop arguing about it. Just say “I can't afford to do that now.”

Hopefully he will realize he needs to cut back as well to make sure the bills are all paid since you lost your job and cannot contribute as before.

When you do get another job it would probably be a good idea to continue with him being responsible for his own bills and family's gifts since you keep separate accounts anyway. Just pitch in for the household bills and things you do and have together.

This may be an opportunity for you to do things a little different and if it feels fairer to you, you will feel better.