Pack your stuff, call a cab, go. No-one should have to put up with this sick nonsense. If DH is not prepared to make his adult freeloader and her accomplice leave, he doesn't deserve you still being his wife.

verytiredmom,

I just want to say- that you have endured more than most. If you have tried talking some sense into DH- then I would set a time limit for him to force some changes- or you will step up and make things happen without him. Although I am not married (yet), I have been with my BF for 4.5 years and we have had conflict after conflict over the ADULT SKIDS. Everytime one of his Adult Skids moves back into the house- it becomes a war zone. Things you describe- I can completely relate! If I made too much noise putting dishes away and SD23 was watching TV- she would call her daddy and whine like a child. She writes nasty notes and posts them all over the house- in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on my daughters door. SHE IS 23 for goodness sake!! And acts like a spoiled rotten teenager. She refuses to pay rent or help out around the house. The tension is unbearable and is affecting my relationship with my BF. I finally put the line in the sand- and said if she doesn't go- I will. I will do whatever it takes to save my sanity and that of my daughter. My BF has stood up for me so far- and finally talked to his dtr about moving out. IF this falls through, I will move out. I will NOT live under the same roof with her irresponsible and childish behavior anymore. This has nothing to do with my relationship with the BF- we have a wonderful relationship but....he was in denial about how issues with the SD23 was affecting me- and now US.

I know that sometimes finances can make it difficult- but I would start to make a plan. You will feel empowered once you know that YOU can take steps to free yourself from the insanity. If your DH truly loves you- he will put his foot down and kick the dtr out. IF he doesn't, I would leave and tell him its up to him where your relationship ends. Sometimes time apart will give you even more clarity about the situation and what you need to do to PERMANENTLY change your life for the better even if it means losing your DH.

To verytiredmom . . it's time to stand up for yourself. This abuse has been going on far too long. bbgf nailed it. If he's not willing to make them leave, then it's time for you to go.

Life is too short to let someone else cause you misery and heartache. You deserve a harmonius marriage, and a peaceful home. Have a long talk w/your DH and let him know how unhappy you are with the status quo. Tell him to give SD and BF a date to move out. If she wants to lay up w/BF let him get a place. Light a fire under DH's behind. If he does nothing, start looking for a new place to live. Don't allow another year to go by accepting this foolishness.

I too lived with an insufferable, spoiled, mean-spirited and lazy SD. She tried to come between me and DH and did every thing should could to make my life miserable. DH and I argued constantly about her. All of our problems centered around her childish antics. DH got to see another side of his princess and realized she didn't want his marriage to work.

Three months after we got married, I was talking divorce. I couldn't stand being in my own home and often times went to stay w/my sister for days at a time. I was not above ending the marriage. I told DH that if she wasn't out by the summer of next year, I would be leaving. Fortunately she moved out a few months ago. Now we have a peaceful, quiet and clean home and I'm loving every minute of it. I wouldn't wish the nightmare I went through on anyone.

Good luck.

Verytiredmom, you are not alone in your situation, and we who have lived or are still living the life feel for you. I put up with this for 8 years, and during that time it just continued to get worse. I finally came to realise that it was never going to change for two reasons.

1. Sepdaughter was a self absorbed spoilt brat with NPD and needed professinal help.

2. And this is the main reason it would never change, my husband was afraid of his daughter and was never going to stand up for me or to her.

Finally a few weeks ago I decided I could no longer have this bitter, twisted evil young woman in my life, my own health was being affected by her hate. So I somehow found the courage to stand up for myself, and I think that only happened when I realised that my husband was allowing his daughter to abuse and bully me horribly and by sitting there and doing nothing about it, he was not only allowing it to happen, he was actively encouraging it. So, with that conviction in my mind, I finally accepted I would rather be on my own than live with a man who treated me this way. He and his daughter could go and live together and I would be fine, it would take time, but I would be fine. I have been thinking of leaving for two years so mentally and emotionally I was prepared for the consequenses. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, but I had just come to realise I have given him so much love, and always put his needs before my own, that I had forgotten to take care of myself and my needs, I needed to love myself if for no other reason than self preservation.

The clarity came when I stopped blaming my adutl step daughter, and blamed the real culprit for what was going on - my husband. He not only created this monster, but has actively fed it for the last 29 years.

So, the last time she came to my door, I told my husband he could answer the door and tell her she was not welcome here, or I would do it for him. Well, given that he is terrified of her, and always wants to be the good guy - of course, he told me to tell her.

This happened around the 3rd week of August, and I expected there would be a price to pay, but I was happy to pay it. However, to date all that has happened despite SD involving sick 87 year old father in law who has in June this year had an op for bowel cancer and is still unwell, my husband was for a short while distant from me. But 6 weeks later he seems to be settling down and things seem to be getting better.

I don't know where all this will end up, but I do know this. I have never been happier or surer of anything, I made the right decision. Not only do I not have to put up with SD but she has told her two older brothers they are not to come here either, they need to support her Wow, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that day at my front door when I told her she was no longer welcome in my home or my life did I think she would hand such a wonderful gift....silly woman, seems to think witholding the brothers is showing me a thing or two, paying me back, well I a in 7th heaven I have nothing to do with any of them, and the only person she hurt and punished here, was DADDY. Finally, after all these years, the right people are getting the punishment - SD is mad as hell she is not getting her own way, despite having had a baby to try and get it, and daddy no longer sees any of his children.

Me, I have managed to be so emotionally disengaged from all of this I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt or sorry about it. They are 29, 33 and 36, my husband is 63, he created this problem, and it is his and his alone to deal with. I gave him all my love and support, he used me to try and make himself look like the good guy who would still give these kids everything.....But for me. I am sure now he knew exactly what was going on here and he knew it was all wrong, but he did not have the balls to sort it out, so he used me. But all that doens't matter at all to me now. I cannot tell you how much better it is. So, if you really are thinking of leaving as I was, then you have nothing to lose by telling your husband how you would like to live.

My husband is aware I will not tolerate him giving his SD what she wants. a life with him and without me. She is one of 6 kids, and the only one making demands, and I refuse to have her dictate the terms of our relationship. If these adult SK want to break up your marriage they will do everything in their power, including have babies, and name them after daddy if they can, if they have girls thats a bit tricky but they will try a femininine form of the name anything at all to get daddy back home to take care of them and away from you. Take care, look after yourself and as another poster on this site StepAside advised me in the early days after I had thrown out the rubbish, don't feel guilty about hurting your husband, he hasn't felt guilty about letting you be treated like this, he looked after himself after all these years and his feelings so why should I feel guilty. I thought for around 48 hour she was a bit harsh, but she wasn't she was absolutely right. Just for once do what is absolutely in your own best interests, you are not being selfish, they are the ones who have been selfish, you need to preserve your own physical, mental and emotional health, nothing is going to change for you here, unless you change it. All the best.

I agree that bio dads perpetuate the issues by not taking positive action. I also understand the transition of being a brat to becoming a decent person too. I disengaged from our youngest two (SD and SS now both 18) and let daddy dearest see for himself how horribly self absorbed they are. He saw! He is still seeing! He also saw that it really had NOTHING to do with me that they were acting out, and negatively towards me. He did say, one day, that he really did not know where all the animosity they displayed came from, I enlightened him that it came from all the PAS that BM was doing...along with puberty!
I love those kids, very much, and I do recognize that they have had a hell of a life with BM, led a hell of a life, and put all of their parents through hell! DH finally did the 'tough love' thing with them when they got to be 17. I put boundaries down on my own, with BM and SKids. I told BM to go right ahead and do her worst when she threatened me. I told SKids 'regardless!' and 'It's not up for discussion' when they challenged me. DH pretty quickly got tired of having to deal with the crap that he had left me to deal with and he saw my perspective. I sincerely hope and pray that we do not have similar issues with adult SKids that I read from posters here. The common thread I see is that dads really want the 'woman of the house' to take care of the kids while they get to be the 'good guy'. I think it's an age old thing, residual from the times prior to divorce...inbuilt! We need EVOLUTION...LOL not REVOLUTION!!

Everyone of you has or have had a very similar situation, but I believe I can top that. However, at this point I am at my breaking point. My huband and I have been married 12 years, together 15. At that time, I had a 3 year old, he had a 13 year daughter and 15 year old son. His son lived with his mom till he turned 18, then his mom kicked him out, so he came to live with us. His daughter lived with us the whole time, not much of a relationship with her mom, played her dad like a fiddle, wouldn't listen to me, husband wouldn't enforce any rules in the house or in regards to boys. (always a problem, and always a fight with me and husband). My son was joint custody, no problems since he was so young. Moving on to SD, all through high school, husband and I would always argue, because I always knew what she would be up to before she got into trouble, but never any consequences, I could go on and on. Son was a good kid, went to college but lived at home with us, but worked too, I had to put my foot down finally before he turned 25 that it was time he moved out, as he had a full time job, making good money, and he did move out. SD still going through jobs and guys at this time, not a bad person, just always got what she wanted due to her looks (outside the house). All standard Step-Parent problems, till one day, I got that knock at the door, and it was the CHP Coroner's Officer. There had been an accident. My S Son had been killed in an accident. I'm not even going to go into the trauma, loss, horror, and just everyday devistation this has caused my husband along with the rest of the family. That was 5 years ago. No my husband won't go to any counseling, not a big religious person, get's through the day's, but I can't say it hasn't changed our marriage, but not in the way people think. There is just this huge hole in our house and hanging over us that just can't seem to go away, but I can deal with that, I have a lot of good friends and family. It all goes back to that SD that is STILL living at home at the age of 28. She only just started nursing school 1 year ago, and will take another 2 years, so not really working, and since the loss of my husbands son, he will not kick her out (not that she can afford it) but she CONTINUES to cause problems. Not only does she have her boyfriends of the month spend the night (which we have told her she can NOT do) she tries to sneak them out at 4:30am, she doesn't lift a finger at home, never has, has NO respect for me, husband allows that, never tells her otherwise. By the way. My son graduated HS, and has moved into a dorm OUT OF STATE going to college. So I live here with my depressed husband who yes I do love, and my horrendous SD, that will not leave, and doesn't look like she will in the next couple years. I am currently not working so myself moving out and leaving her to live in MY house REALLY irks me especially since we just re-did it with MY inheritance. Those are only a few of the lovely things that she has done. It's almost a daily battle with my SD, about something, and at this point we barely speak, not a fun way to live in my own home. I don't think there is enough time to go into more. The list is that long. So......any suggestions?

A question that I have asked her dad, and her, except for her mom's husband won't let her (smart) His kids are all grown and out of the house, and doesn't want her living there. I guess you don't really battle the grief with my husband, I've learned everyone deals with it differently (i guess I already knew that) and I always try to think that if it were my son, what would I do or feel. But then again, sometimes I think he is just existing. I know he has a lot of issues, that I won't even address here because that is a whole other subject, but in regards to the SD, yes I think they both use it, he doesn't want to let her go, because she is the only kid he has left so he won't "kick her out" "doesn't want to lose her too", so it's either I get to deal with her, which is what I thought I could do when she was 16-17, thinking that by 19-20 she would be out of the house, and here we are almost 10 years later, and I'm still having to deal with her, but now add the other all into the mix. Funny thing is, I think that if she did move out, we would get along fine. She moved out for 6 months when she was 18 thinking she could handle it all on her own, but then came back with her tail between her legs. But during that time, we got along fine. But has been trying to run the house and do whatever sh wants ever since. My own family sees it, and wonders why I either stay, or my husband puts up with it. I just get to the point of wanting to run away, not telling anyone where I'm going so I don't have to deal with all this. Which is what I always tell my family and friends. (most want to come with me)

If you knew someone else who was in this situation what would you think? This sounds like some strange movie.

You say the counselor told your DH his daughter was in charge and he quit going to counseling. So he knows other people can see it for what it really is - abuse. Are you contributing to the family income? If so, this could have a bearing on the final outcome. I put up with the abuse for over 20 years and finally found the courage to stand up for myself. What I found out was that DH really cared about his own welfare more than anyone else, that the financial security that I helped to provide for him would be dramatically altered if the marriage ended.

Six months is too long to wait. Too many things can happen in that time. The abuse needs to end NOW. Start saving up for a possible move and do not tell anyone, the element of surpirse works wonders. Then, when you have enough saved up to move, give DH an ultimatum - "She goes or I go." If he cooses her he is not worth staying with.

I have to say that it is so comforting knowing that it's not me and that there are so many others just like me out there! My DH and I have been married 4.5 years. My almost 24 yr old SD moved in with us a little over 2 years ago. It has been a nightmare for both me and my 12 yr old son since the day she moved in. I requested that my DH set some ground rules from the beginning....his response was "give her a few weeks to get settled". A few weeks is now 2+ yrs and none have been set. She treats me like I'm the maid and my home like a hotel. I have to say that we live in my former marital home, which I chose to keep and pay for so as not to uproot my son who was 5 when I divorced his father. My SD has told everyone that this is her father's house, which makes it her house and she can do whatever she wants. My DH and I argue all the time over her lack of respect and laziness. The stipulation to her living here rent free was that she needed to be in school full time...which has always been part time. She does nothing...won't even let the dog out if he has to go and she is the only one home! She sleeps pretty much all day, pre-parties before going out with her friends almost every weekend with no regard for anyone else's peace. She informed me the other day that she is dropping 2 of her 5 classes and extending her graduation another year because it is just too stressful for her. A 4 year degree is not going to take her 7 years! I work 3 jobs and do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. The final straw came for me on Monday night. I was preparing dinner as I do every night. I left the kitchen for a brief minute to run to the bathroom and when I got back my SD was there with her dad (who was there when I ran out). He asked me if we had any iced tea and I said that I needed to make a pitcher and would as soon as I got all the food cooking. I ran to the basement to get some frozen veggies and when I got back my SD had moved everything I had laid out for cooking from the counter and was preparing to make her lunch for the next day. Our kitchen is quite small and there is not enough room for 2 people to be preparing food, let alone 3 as my DH was making a pitcher of iced tea. My SD turned to get something in the fridge and as I approached the counter to put the veggies in a pot she jumped in front of me and prevented me from getting to the counter. I am always so afraid of making waves and anything I say always results in an argument between me and DH so I took the veggies and threw the bag in the freezer and proceeded to walk out. My DH asked what was wrong and I simply responded that I had been trying to make dinner but that obviously there were more important things that needed to be done and that they could let me know when they were finished so I could cook. Well, SD started huffing and puffing and slamming stuff around. Nothing from DH. She had a total attitude at the dinner table and here's the best part. After dinner I went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette..(my stress reliever!) and check out my Facebook. My SD is my friend on FB and I noticed a post from her....not directly to me but I knew it was meant for me. It said and I quote.."Things will never change but don't worry, I'll adapt. Karma is a bitch, just make sure that bitch is beautiful. I have all the power and you have none. You will get yours..it's only a matter of time." WTH! My sister in Tennessee who is also her friend on FB texted me..."What's going on now?" cause she saw the post and knew it was meant for me. Of course, I didn't tell DH, which I should have and, unfortunately she deleted the comment by the next morning after having a little fun, at my expense, with her friends commenting about giving someone a good old fashioned ass whooping. I have to say...I have had it. I am going to keep my distance, start saving some money up and then give DH an ultimatum or my son and I are moving out. I know that my DH is aware of what a manipulating and disrepectful person she is but he is afraid if he does or says anything that she won't want to be a part of his life. I say good riddance! What happened to the days that you had respect for your parents just because you had the fear of God in you? I pray each and every day that I learn the lesson that God is trying to teach me with this situation but I cannot continue to put myself or my son through this.

I looked up New Jersey's equitable property regulations on the Interent. Here is what it says:

"New Jersey is an "equitable property" state. This means that all marital property acquired during the marriage should be divided equally. The "marital" property, consisting of any other property acquired by either spouse during the marriage, will be divided equally, unless the court finds that equal division would be unjust. Any property possessed by either spouse during the marriage is presumed to be marital property unless it can be shown that the property is actually separate property. A court can determine the rights of the spouses in any pension or retirement plan or their rights under any insurance policy."

But it ALSO says:

"Non-marital property of one spouse includes gifts and inheritances given just to that spouse, personal injury awards received by that spouse, and the proceeds of a pension that vested (that is, the pensioner became legally entitled to receive it) before marriage. Property purchased with the separate funds of a spouse remain that spouse's separate property. A business owned by one spouse before the marriage remains his or her separate property during the marriage, although a portion of it may be considered Marital property if the business increased in value during the marriage or both spouses worked at it."

That means if you owned your home prior to the marraige it is still yours.

I got a divorce in Washington which is also a 'community property' state. The funds which were used to purchase the house were earned by me prior to the marraige. I had to give my ex a small amount for what he had contributed but I got the house. I am sorry you ahve been going through so much emotional termoil with your recent hysterectomy but you have more going for you than you think.

I can remember when I was going through a lot of what you were and went to a lawyer to see where I stood financially if we divorced. Yes, I would have had to give up some money, and at first it kept me from divorcing DH but after a while the situation got so tiresome I was willing to take the small financial loss to be at peace. Like I have written before, SD's behavior became so unbearable just before Christmas that I was forced to finally stand up for myself. I told DH she was not allowed in the home until I recieved an apology and was assured I would be respected as his wife. Since she is a narcissist I know this will never happen (which is a plus for me). I also told DH he was free to leave. He decided to stay, and it has taken quite a while to regain respect for him, but he has agreed to see her at a location other than our home. As time has gone on, I have even become stronger. I will never again allow anyone to abuse me in my own home.