My amazing Mothers Day....not.
Dh's "sd" wanted to come over with her dh and visit. I mentioned the reasons I didn't want to see her because of the issues mentioned in the other posts...only have met her once. Dh accused me of judging becuase I didn't agree with some decisions she made and he gave me some lecture about forgiving and letting go. I agree with those ideas, but forgiving and letting go doesn't mean I have a desire for a relationship with the person I forgave. My initial idea was to go into the room after saying hello (idk what the right way is to be cordial yet not encourage her). Because of our argument and hurtful things being said, I ended up leaving the house for a bit. My questions are: Is it best for me to stick around when she visits or to not be there when she is to send a clear message? The downside I see to sticking around is I don't want her to get the impression that I am interested in a relationship that I"m really not interested in, and with leaving or going into another room, idk if she'd be getitng what she wanted having daddy waddy all to herself. At some point during the argument dh told me he was just gonna tell her everything I said and that I dont like her. I told him to go ahead cuz I'd be more than willing to let her know what my issues were and why. Seems to me dh was hoping I'd back off and say something like "oh no don't tell her!!" I don't want to create unnecessary drama but I'm very willing to put her in her place if I see the need to...especially if it means she backs off some, at least from me.
While I was out and about I texted dh and he mentioned that she is young and "not completely mature" yet. If I'd thought to at the time I would've responded that she's a big girl and it's high time she acted like one. I mentioned having boundaries and he doesn't think I need to have them with her.
How do I let my husband understand my need for boundaries? Idk how to articulate it.
How do I act towards her in terms of being cordial yet not encouraging her to come around tons? Or push herself on me more?
Your husband is gaslighting you
by telling you he will tell his daughter everything you saud that you want no relationship with her because of her behaviour and disrespect aka she isn’t pleasant to be around with, hubby by gaslighting you is able to avoid telling his daughter that she is rude, disrespectful and n
What I do.....
For the past 3 years, I had the same problem you have now. I do not like giving advice, because I am far from an expert, just telling you what I do.
SD made an effort of visiting after we moved 3 years ago. I felt exactly as you do; I had disengaged from her, she just would not let it alone, and she will always try to back stab me, so no going back for me. DH was convinced I would forgive and go back. What you are experiencing is a stage of your disengagement, and what I think the most difficult. Disengagement is difficult and took 6 years of struggle for me. It is easier and less stress for me now.
I finally had a stern conversation with DH and told him that SD is able to visit him, but I will no longer be involved in their relationship, and that is in ALL areas. It began with him going to their holiday dinners, in their home, without me, I went to my family to visit. One Thanksgiving and next year it was Christmas. After my DH realized I was serious, it has never happened again. We didn't fight over it, I was very supportive of him going without me.
Now....when they come to visit, I am here, like I have always been. I am cool, do not engage in conversation. I am in the room, civil, and get myself a coffee cup of nice wine. I never offer them the time of day, that is DH's job; he is a terrible host by the way.. When they leave, they show themselves out. SD finally got it, I am finished. They have not visited DH in 14 weeks this last stretch. Of course it is all my fault, because we no longer have a Brady Bunch Family.
Disengagement changes your relationship and your marriage. It was worth it for me. You have to be strong, or all you do is fight over it. I hate fighting, so I set boundaries for myself, not anyone else. I took control of my life. I do not try to change or control their thinking. I change my thinking, by not letting them control my mind. My DH never had my back for 30+ years, I was miserable, and now they all are on their own.
Hugs. Do it for you, not anyone else. Disengagement is hurtful, and very difficult. Remember you are not alone here.
I would be present, but would
I would be present, but would not engage, and not play hostess, either.
Personally, I would be skeptical of this whole relationship. I get that she probably wants a father figure, but your DH and her mother broke up when she was 5 and I find it odd that she contacted him 10 years later, while she was in foster care.
"How do I let my husband
"How do I let my husband understand my need for boundaries? Idk how to articulate it."
Try this: DH, there are boundaries to my tolerance of her presence on the planet. You and she need to be very warry of pushing those boundaries. She will not be in MY home. Period. You can visit with her elsewhere in a manner that does not interfere in our marriage or my life. Do not make the mistake of pushing me on this. You and she will not like the results.
"How do I act towards her in terms of being cordial yet not encouraging her to come around tons? Or push herself on me more?"
Why act towards her at all? DH can foster his relationship with her away from you and your home. Until she has demonstrated for many, many years that she can absolutely behave reasonably do not allow her to have any presence or consideration in your life..
DH needs to get his priorities straight. His job is to be commited to you and to have your back. This XSD is an adult and is so far on the fringe of consideration that his prioritization of her over you makes him a write off IMHO.
You are not judging. You are considering her proven past behavior. No judgement there. Just consideration and awareness of the facts.
Good luck.
I would be there so that she
I would be there so that she knows she doesnt have the power to make you leave. But be as indifferent toward her and unemotional as possible.
As far as your husband trying to manipulate/scare you by threatening to tell her everything - I think you should tell him you think that's a great idea and you think its probably best if it's all out in the open.
Good Advice!
This I did and do......my favorite, "Go for it." I don't hear threats any longer, and have not for over a year. Another come back I use, "if you don't tell her, I will, and you both won't like it."
It is not easy and I still have my times, but I am strong enough to endure.
It gets easier. It is like saying "no" for the first time, very difficult. It gets easier each time you have to do it.
Hugs...
This woman is an adult, not a
This woman is an adult, not a child on a visitation plan to daddy's house.
People who are disrespectful towards you are not allowed in the safe haven of your home. Who else disrespectful would your DH allow into the home?
She would not be coming to the home to visit you, but rather her father, and he's capable of visiting her elsewhere. You owe her nothing.
As far as how to articulate to your DH about boundaries, tell him that normal, healthy people have boundaries and standards about how they are to be treated. Normal, healthy people stay away from toxic people, and it doesn't matter if it's his family.
Never ever give her the satisfaction of having forced you to leave your home due to her visiting. She will not think she is getting daddy to herself if you are out of the room. She will think you are not curious enough about her to stick around. She will wonder what YOU are doing. Say hello when she arrives and then the rest of the time do your own thing in the house. Be indifferent to her presence. If she's like my OSD, she would love to know she rattled you.
This is great advice. Dh says
This is great advice. Dh says she told him she and her dh are moving here...I hope to high heaven that's not the case. Dh says I'm treating her wrong an idk how to articulate to him that it isn't wrong. Says I'm not being nice, that I'm judging her. Is disagreeing with someone's choices judging them?
Judging
"Is disagreeing with someone's choices judging them?" In this case, it doesn't matter whether you call it judging or not. You are being disrespected by both your SD and your DH. Your DH is trying to manipulate you because it is easier for you to bow down to his desires than it is to confront his DD about her rotten behavior. You have to stand your ground and believe that you deserve mutual respect in your home and nothing short of it.
My DH can visit SD just about anytime he wants - but not in our home until he can inform SD in front of me that she is to respect me in our home. I'm so sick of these DHs who think that they can bully their wives into 'overlooking' the bad behavior of others, but are too cowardly to do the right thing and support their wives.
Hi I think all of the above
Hi I think all of the above are very good advice. I am similar situation to,you, and after years of putting up,with disrespect have finally with husbands support banned her from my home. It is your place and you do not have to feel like this there. I would NOT leave when she visits... say hi and that's it, don't offer drinks etc, do,you,own thing, stay in the lounge watch your to, don't change what you would do just because she's there, maybe go,in,your phone in the lounge that way she will,hate it that your listening in. Go,in and out of the room,so,it doesn't look like that's what you are doing, but DONT make it easy for her.
Your husband can go,out for coffee with her if it's that bad. NEVER feel Quilty,for wanting your,home,to,be free of toxic people, or feel,quilts that you have caused this. You,have not. There is nothing wrong with standing up for your rights and you do,not deserve to be treated like this.
Sending,you big hugs asmI know exactly what you are going through. Stay,strong. (As hard as it is try and not fight over it with hubby just say your piece and leave it as that otherwise she wins that way too,)