My kids, his kids: Take 2
I've wondered about this before on Step Talk, and the question has presented itself to me again: Assuming there's not open warfare among spouses and stepkids--assuming everyone at least nominally tolerates everyone else--why do DHs tend to join SM's family, while the steps drift away?
Here's what raised the question. DH and I recently experienced a silly minor disaster of the sort that becomes an instant hilarious family legend, the misfortune embellished and treasured over the years. The sort of thing that while it's happening, it sucks but you're already laughing about it.
Naturally the first thing I did, after we'd cleaned up the mess and stopped laughing, was share the tale with DDs 20- and 30-something. DH stepped into the conversation, adding his own hilarious commentary. We all had a good belly laugh.
DH did not share any of this with SS29. I guess I should ask him why, but meantime my speculations are running wild. Would SS fail to see the humor? Does SS not appreciate comic situations worthy of Monty Python? Has their relationship for some reason broken down and DH can't or won't talk about it with his kid? Does DH just not bother any more to talk to me about his kid, or talk to his kid about anything involving me? Is this situation unique, or is it some kind of sociological law that men drift into women's families and away from their own? (I know some of you are praying for that!) Maybe my situation is unique?
Guess I'll have to ask him.
Well, I don't think that's
Well, I don't think that's what ALWAYS happens. Plenty of men keep a good relationship with their kids after a divorce. On this site at least, often the BM demands total loyalty from the skids after the divorce and they aren't allowed to maintain a positive relationship with their father. At least that's what happened in my situation. There are certainly also lots of situations where the father moves away and starts a new family. And, last but not least, though 50/50 is becoming more common, it's still not the norm- women tend to have more custody time and therefore greater influence on the kids.
The opposite is generally
The opposite is generally true in my marriage though I have always tried to be engaged with my IL clan and make sure my DW gets to visit them regularly. I make sure to join her as much as I can.
My DW and SS are extremely close to my parents and family. DW states openly that my mom has taught her to be a woman, mother and partner. They are BFFs. She and my dad are pretty much each other's favorite person other than their spouses.
SS was raised with my brother's kids and is closer to them than to his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs.
I'm not sure of the why i your observation though the CPBM poisoning the SKids against their father and demonizing their SM, StepSibs and half sibs through their father seems a likely cause. The same can apply in the opposite situation.
My husband talks to one of
My husband talks to one of his daughters pretty much daily... he talks to his other daughter much less frequently.. maybe weekly.
Both are adults. I honestly think he just has more in common with his younger child.. and so she is the one that would get calls about stories like that..
Sometimes even someone's own children may not end up being people that they totally click with.. even if they still love them as their children.
I think its this
And it also happens with intact families. My sister stayed close to home after marrying and talks to my mom daily. I moved away to pursue career and adventure and ended up living on the other side of the country. I talk to my parents about once a week but it is really just a basic check-in. We're not estranged but we're not close either. I share any major happenings in my life, but a silly event that happened - probably not. I would most likely share that with my friends.
I think adult children all have their own personalities and lives - and some stay more connected and share more in common with parents then others. Just different dynamics.
This is my house too
Well my adult son and daughter welcome and interact more with my DH than his own kids who actually live near us. Is it because his are boys and don't have anything to say to dad? Is it because their dad and I go fun places and love each other and they didn't see that growing up with BM, so they now feel resentful and left out of our relationship? Does BM and SS wife think I call all the shots in our house and probably spend our money on myself and my kids more than his? I just can't figure it out and nobody has real conversations. I honestly can't understand why DH rarely calls his sons and the boys call him even less than rarely. It's getting to be only interaction when they have a birthday or the oldest one's kids have a birthday or Christmas. I feel so weird all of us acting all family and lovey when we give gifts to them and then nothing. There are no fights, words, disagreements, just disinterest. DH lately just gets a phone call on his birthday and Father's Day.
On the flip side I would rather it be this way than not getting along, but I find it very sad my DH isn't close with them.
Good question but trick answer
I assumed DH was not communicating much with SD. I knew it was sporadic at best for some years. And because I had detached from SD since 2010, he didn't share any of their conversations with me. That was OK. But with the divorce in the near future, I asked where he will be going afterward, as I am still apprehensive about him 'escaping' prior to the singing of the papers. I asked about SD. I was surprised to discover that he knows all about recent events concerning SD. He has kept in touch. And I am now very glad. She can take care of him. After all of these years I finally feel sorry for her. LOL LOL
If he's anything like my DH,
If he's anything like my DH, he may not want to share the story with his son because that would mean having to acknowledge to his son that he actually has a life with you that does not include him. My DH seldom shares stories with his DDs about things that he and I do together, regardless of whether the story is funny, sad, or just entertaining. In the past, when he has talked about events in OUR life together, the Skids reaction has been one of complete disinterest (with a hint of annoyance for good measure!). They usually just grunt or give a half-hearted laugh and then it's the awkward sound of crickets. It's quite apparent that they hate the fact that we have a life outside of them, so my DH doesn't even bother talking about OUR life stories anymore. Why upset these little angels.
However, my two adult SKIDs just love telling him with great enthusiasm, all about what their BM and her family is up to, even though he couldn't care less about any of them. I mean, it's only been 37 years since his divorce with the skids BM. My DH usually ends up changing the subject.
Then the next topic of choice for the SDs are stories that all go back to those nostalgic Happy Times when the Skids were growing up, as one big happy Bio-Family. "Daaad, Do you remember when we took a trip to...?" "Daaad, Do you remember that one Christmas when....?" Blah! It's all so dysfunctional! Now that they are adults, and they have both gone through divorces of their own, you would think that they may ask themselves; if those were such great memories, and our family life was so awesome back then, wouldn't we still be a Big Happy Bio-Family today???!!! Strangely enough, they don't like to discuss their past marriages. The hypocrisy is sickening.
Aaargh....
Sorry, I went down a rabbit hole with my response!