Need advice on enabling mom and "wayward" daughter..
I'll attempt to make this as easy to understand as I can, first off..
Me+ 17yr Son
Her+ 19yr Daughter
21yr Daughter
Currently we are living separately because neither has room for 3 "Adults" that all want their own room.
My Plan is: My son graduates this year and is set to head off to the Air Force, at which time I will move in with Her.
Her plan WAS: D21 lives at home while going to school full time and working part time and helping pay her own bills, as long as she stays in school. Then move out in 2 years.
D19 was going to head straight to out of town school and live in dorm.
What happened was: D19 decided to go to local CC and stay at home (small 3br 1BA house), then proceeded to fail every class her first semester and lie to her mom, thus wasting the entire tuition and books etc. Then she decided that school "wasn't for her" so she was enlisting in the Nat. Gaurd. GREAT, everyone supported that, but now that she has dragged THAT out for 9 MONTHS with various excuses who knows if she will actually DO it. She works part time in a deli as a cook, and can only really pay her own auto ins and cel phone, no one knows what she does with the rest.
Mom says she just wants to see her "get a direction and get on with it" but daughter continuously lies and makes excuses, does not seem to be in any hurry to move out and become an adult. She has done some very stupid, and some illegal things in the last couple years and mom continues to let her live at home and "hope she gets her act together".
When I have suggested that she kick her out (in as polite terms possible) mom becomes riddled with guilt, "She's a girl, what am I supposed to do, kick her out to sleep in her car or on a bench somewhere?". So D19 continues to come and go as she pleases, leaves messes(sink full of dishes, laundry on the floor), leaves her room a filthy rats nest, and does her laundry. If she is home she is usually sunk into the recliner watching Jersey Shore and if you ask her to do something, like clean her cats filled litter box she either tells us she will do it later or gets pissed and attempts to punish us for asking her to DO something and causes a scene.
I pretty much stay out of directly saying much to her, when mom comes to me for advice I give it, I am much more of a "tough love" style parent and usually advise harsh responses like packing everything she leaves behind into boxes until she discovers she has no clothes or no dishes, etc.
The bigger issue is that mom is pushing hard on the idea that I will be moving in when my son graduates. I however do not want to move in there with the D19 still there, because of the stress she causes, as well as the basic space issue, 4 adults in a 3br 1ba home is too many.
My conundrum is that I know I don't want to put mom in a spot where she feels she has to "choose between me and her daughter" because that is exactly how the D19 will spin it and she will do everything she can to demonize me and guilt mom.
Also, I feel it is unfair to my son, that I am sticking to "encouraging him" to stay on path and go straight to the military, I have made it pretty clear that (like my mom did to me) he is on his own and out of the house at 18 after he graduates, so I feel like how is it fair to him if I am strict and expecting that of him, and he then sees me and his new step mom allowing the D19 to just hang out at home and do nothing with her life and just coast through with a free ride.
How can I help mom not "feel guilty" about forcing her daughter to become an independent adult? She has CHOSEN to fail out of college and then not go into the Guard, so she is CHOOSING to be a part time employee at a gas station deli and basically set on cruise control to a trailer park somewhere simply by not wanting to actually DO anything.
Then how do I explain to mom, without it sounding like I am forcing a choice, or giving an ultimatum, that I will not move in with her unless D19 has moved out by then?
Any input is welcome and thanks for reading!
Hmmm...don't move in. Don't
Hmmm...don't move in. Don't do it. Don't do it. You will then become someone who will split the bills and PAY for this lazy kid. You need to let your GF know that at X age this was the agreement and thus, until she moves out, you can't move in. If she picks her kids over you by saying, "fine, then get out cause my daughter comes first", be even MORE thankful you didn't move in. Because once you do, she would have really picked them before you anyway except you'd be the one, more than likely, supporting THEM!
Thanks for the feedback. I
Thanks for the feedback. I actually have no problem with the D21, she works full time and goes to school full time and pays all her bills as well as does her share around the house, the only thing negative is her general emotional/social neediness (her mom is her best/only friend) but that isn't so bad, I see her as "playing by the rules" and still on track for what she committed to do. It's just the D19 that continuously makes poor choices.
She continuously makes poor choices and then gets mad when she is faced with the results, just like a 13-15yr old would, and I feel that if she isn't PUSHED to face and work through some of these results she may NEVER be mentally able to support herself as an adult.
I just know that as the "outsider" I can't be the one making any of these big demands or putting down rules because she will just turn it around and make me "the bad guy".
So I guess I have to tell mom that I cannot move in until daughter is "out of the nest" and say it's "for the sake of our relationship", because I know if I move in there with 3 women, someone is going to end up getting killed. }:)
i would suggest that she
i would suggest that she start charging the 19 year old rent. Start making household rules. you know, make things uncomfortable there so the 19 year old will get a burr up her ass and decides on her own she is going to move out. I also would hold off moving in until she's out and I would tell her this-if she wants you as a partner then she will do the right thing here.
Don't even think about moving
Don't even think about moving in until deadbeat D moves out. I too am a member of "moving in w/DH and SD (25 at the time)." At the time her plan was to finish school, get a job and get her own place. She finished school, pretended to look for work for a year . . and in the meantime almost destroyed my new marriage.
She had a path for her future, but was lazy, manipulative, mean-spirited, and selfish. I was miserable and threatened divorce. She wanted DH to herself and thought she could push me out . . didn't happen.
She finally got her act together and got a job. DH didn't want to ask her to move because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." So I made him charge her real rent, and started dropping hints that it was time for her go leave.
Privacy was a joke. And she did NO chores at all. DH was used to doing everything because he didn't want to confront his princess. SD recently moved out. Marriage is hard enough as it is, don't add to the strain by moving into this den of foolishness. You think she's bad now, wait until you move in . .it will get worse.
When I was 18 mom kicked me
When I was 18 mom kicked me out before I was done with HS, I lived in my own apt and finished HS while working so I have very little sympathy for the idea that this "poor helpless girl" cannot make it on her own.
Honestly my only concern is that I make it clear about WHY I am saying/doing this. I have heard bad things about moms feeling like you are forcing them to "choose" between their babies and you. Or as you mentioned, what can happen when the "kids" decide they want to put effort into turning mom against you.
I can seriously see this girl staying right where she is and lying and manipulating for as long as she wants to until she feels like she wants to go somewhere else, and I know if that happens too long there is actual risk of her being "unable" to live on her own because she really doesn't have those skills.
I know all I can do is state what I will and will not participate in.
Stand your ground. I moved
Stand your ground. I moved in against my better judgement because DH wanted me to "bond" w/SD. He never told me she had the personality of a rattle snake. Sad thing is parents have no clue that enabling doesn't help, but only serves to hurt adult children because they don't learn coping skills or self-reliance. The world isn't going to coddle them.
SD rented the first place she looked it . . and she's regretting it but she's not moving back here. Now she's being forced to grow up. Better there than here.
You are VERY smart not to
You are VERY smart not to move in until she is gone. You all will be sooo miserable. As I see it you have three choices. 1. Get GF to agree to kick out D. 2. Wait D out (that could be a long time) or 3. Cut your loses and break up with GF. But, whatever you do, DO NOT move in while D is there. It will be nothing but trouble.
Oh Superdad, don't do it!
Oh Superdad, don't do it! She's letting these 2 ADULTS run all over her, bad baddd news. Also she's her 21 yr old's only friend? Giant red flag. My 19 yr old DD just sent me pics from college, there had to be 9 or 10 kids in those pictures that are her close friends. These girls are stunted. It'll bring you nothing but heartache.
Well D19 just got accepted
Well D19 just got accepted and signed the papers to go into the Nat Guard so hopefully that helps sort her out, she needs a little "forceful maturing".