Geez, why did your wife allow this to happen? She has done a terrible disservice to her son.

I'm not sure how you have managed to put up with this for so long, I know I couldn't.

Nothing has changed since your first post, four years ago. YOU are going to have to do something, it's obvious that your wife won't.

Ugh, that's awful. Your wife has crippled her son to meet her own needs. 

I couldn't stay and watch that. 

We had this problem with my BS. He didn't want to work or go to school after graduating high school. We insisted he take classes - he didn't go and he failed them. We insisted he work. He made attempts but quit easily and go in trouble for not asking for time off the proper way. He loved his video games and eventually it got to where that was all he would do, paying lip service only to looking for work and figuring out his life.

My husband, who is my son's stepfather, helped me see that we weren't doing him any favors by letting this continue. He was/is an adult in the eyes of the world and if something happened to us, he was going to be screwed. He also helped me envision what it would be like when my son is 30, 35, 40 and still not launched. How much harder and more cruel the world would seem to him, the older he gets, never having learned how to take care of himself, pay bills, find friends or anything else of value. 

So we disconnected the Internet at our home when we went to work. The day we did that, my son announced via text message that we took away everything that gave him joy and that he is moving to his father's house...and left within 30 minutes. Gone before we got home from work. It was a horrible, heart breaking time..that needed to happen. He is 22 now, still living with his father, working a job at night, saving for a car (he has about $7K now) and starting to get it together, little by little. He has started paying us for his cell phone (it was that or we were disconnecting it). His dad still doesn't make him do anything, including pay rent, but his dad's wife is tired of him being there. He is also starting to see his friends moving on to real life, grown up things, like graduating college, starting careers, getting married and traveling. He has started to ask us for advice and help on things like learning to take care of his own medical needs, buying a car, getting insurance and other adult issues that can feel overwhelming.

You are going to have to decide if you can live like this and you are sadly going to have to be pretty blunt with your wife about the situation. There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting him out of the house. Heck, its the kinder thing to do for the manchild. Ask your wife how he is going to fare if she dies.

Then let her know you need a deadline by which he will leave and that if he doesn't, you will. We didn't get to that point - my husband never had to give me an ultimatum, but I knew inside myself that letting my son mooch off us wasn't right.

This sucks and I am so sorry. It can have a happy ending. We insisted that my son use Uber to get around instead of us and we have praised him for every tiny step in the right direction. He's getting there and our relationship is actually a whole lot better. Yours can too, but Mom is going to have to be willing to draw that line. If she isn't, you are stuck along with her. Only you know what you can or can't live with. The manchild is a parasite at this point. Nobody else in society is going to help him when the gravy train runs out. It is in his best interest to get him launched. Good luck.

My husband and I got serious when our kids were teens/pre-teens. One of the conversations we had early on was how we would handle a failure to launch kid. We are thankfully both very passionate about this topic. Our kids have all be raised that you WILL work. You WILL go for some sort of higher learning- be it college, trade school or certification or the Military. If you want to stay at home more than the summer after graduation from high school you will do both of those things. If you go away to college you still have to have a part time job. 

My older SS is 20- Autistic, Bipolar, ADHD, and anxiety disorder. He is age adjusted to 13. He will probably never be mentally more than 13. He works 6 days a week part time and is going to welding school 2 nights a week through an adults with special needs program. Of course he didn't do these things alone, he can't drive or handle schedules very well, so my husband and I have had to advocate for him to get where he is and we have to do a lot to keep him on track. HOWEVER- my point is, that even a person with major disabilities can do things and improve their own life. 

If you wife won't draw the line in the sand, then you are going to have to be the one to do it. You can kick the fully grown and capable man out of your house. Your wife may go running out the door after him. I think you would be better off if she did, in all honesty. However, if you don't stop the behavior this will be the rest of your life. This grown ass man will leach off of you until the day you die. 

I personally am really looking forward to a life with my spouse where we are alone, where we enjoy our retirement. What you have set up- a life like that will never happen for you and that makes  me very sad for you.

I wonder why your wife has held back this manchild from launching? She must be getting something from it -- she needs to be needed -- or she is afraid of losing him to success or failure. She needs counseling, the SS needs counseling this point too because he's been crippled and coddled.

And you need a launch plan. Either he launches, or you launch. So what will it take for the manchild to be able to live on his own? Does he know anything about managing money? Buying groceries? Job responsibility? Could be he needs a crash course in adulting, and that won't be fun, but it's necessary.

Sure your wife will be angry that you're insisting on change. But without change, nothing WILL change and you'll spend the rest of your life being resentful and being used. That's not good either. So take a deep breath and face it. Have a calm conversation with her about the need for this man to live his life and what you need to be happy as you get older. Your needs and wants are just as important and valid as anyone else's, and likely more so since you seem to be the only one with any sense in your house.

male posters in similar situations lately.

My advice to you is the same as it was to them: man up and use the leverage you already possess. Currently, you're enabling your wife to enable her adult son, and that's crazy. If you want change, YOU have to change tactics and be willing to divorce if necessary. Here's a checklist for effecting change:

1. Consult with a divorce attorney to gain clarity on your rights and obligations.
2. Reroute your mail to a mail drop.
3. Change passwords on all of your online stuff.
4. Open new accounts in your name only at a different bank. Reroute paycheck. Transfer half of all joint funds.
5. Cancel all joint credit cards/remove your wife as an authorized user from all of your accounts. 
6. Cancel all luxuries like internet and cell service.
7. Prepare for all H@ll to break loose.

Be strategic, so that all of this goes down within a few days. When your wife confronts you, remember that this person who claims to love you has been using and exploiting you for YEARS, so stand tall and give her a choice: divorce, or her son moves out and she starts counselling. Your wife knows all your weaknesses and will likely try every trick to manipulate you, but you must stand firm. Give her son a thirty day notice, too. Odds are good that without Wi-Fi or a cell phone, he'll quickly find someone else to sponge off.

You have the power to completely change your life. You just have to be so done with being used and the dysfunction that you're willing to end the marriage to stop it. At this point, living alone should be looking pretty good to you and would certainly be the smart financial decision.

Hopefully you will read through posts on here and see folks in similar situations (sole breadwinner, older skids mooching, non-driving/non-working...I too have SD20 Feral Forger who did all this to Toxic Troll Bm - we stayed far away from the mess....)

And in learning, the seed will be planted. More reading and posting and your bravery will have grown, and flowered, and flourished.

Communicating with  your wife results in temper tantrums and gaslighting. 

Skid 30 is completely enabled and encouraged to remain in a false childhood, essentially creating a human sponge. Sponging off YOU, because wife.

My advice is to read what you wrote in your initial post, and read then re-read the advice.

Lawyer up, because giving wife ultimatums will be VERY messy. You need to be ready to give the repercussions and follow through.

Im not saying divorce the Narcissistic Wife, just be ready to give repercussions and know your options.

Get your financial ducks in a row, pronto. Separate your finances. Mail drop location change. What ex julie recommends sounds good.

Serve Skidult manchild eviction notice. You. Not wife.

Watch the fireworks from a safe place, possibly rent a place?

her son is the way he is BECAUSE OF HER and HER LACK OF EXPECTATION of him and for him.

She gets angry because she knows it all goes back to her and her lack of parenting. Because she  failed to parent effectively she feels guilty, and therefore will do whatever he asks or needs of her, including, in all liklihood sacrificing her husband and marriage. I just can't see you putting up with this until "death do you part" can you?

It's all on her!

You might want to post in the men's forum also.

Good luck.

There is no place or room for you in this incestuous disgusting mommy/pathetic 30yo baby boy love fest.

Move on.  Leave them staring longingly into each others eyes as you drive off to a new life free of this shallow and polluted inbred gene pool.