Go to a lawyer and see how separation and divorce would play out for you. I'm comfortable saying a lot of us understand "stubborn patience". Too often, falling in love clouds reality.  I'm right there with you.  My DH looks at both his sons through rosy colored glasses and doesn't see the oldest one, in particular, as many others see him. That's not going to change and I've accepted that.  I have, however, disengaged from the OSS. 

Onto your situation..... is your name on the deed to the house?  If so, you can tell the SS to get out.  However, take my advice of going to an attorney first.  Play your cards from there. Throw out his weed.  Go through "his room" - it's your house and if you don't want it in your home you have the right to get rid of it. You have a right to feel safe and secure in your home and if your spouse stands in the way of this security, then it's HER that clearly doesn't respect you. 

Go to an attorney, know your rights, Take it from there. Sorry, but your wife sounds like a major enabler and an enmeshed mommy. She needs counseling. You might want to go talk with a counselor yourself.  Best of luck!

Whose house is it? Please stop asking for change and just do it. No more last chances. It's up to you to effect the changes you need.

Ask yourself whether you wouldn't be happier without your wife if her staying means you're saddled with her leech too. Find out how to legally evict the bugger.

Hi again. I recall reading through your posts and actually commented on one.

Stubborn patience - Id say more like Stubborn Inertia.

You are not ready or willing to do the work that it will take to change things. You know what you need to do. All the different posts with the different lists and advice tell you whats up.

You know logically what you need to do to make changes. You maybe are not ready. Have you gone to therapy for YOU? You have been in this 22 years and SS has lived with you two on and off throughout. He is fine with things, his mother is fine with things, YOU are not and have not been fine with things.

Have you done the work outlined? Not to be rude or judgemental, but you are going to get all the same responses and advice from your previous posts. Id look into what is holding you back. What blockages inside yourself are you observing? Is it financial? Is it emotional? Are you tired and feel like the life has been drained out of you and you have nothing left? 

Im sorry you are living through this, it sounds miserable.

I think because you've lived this way for so long, you're worn down and no longer able to see how completely batpoop your situation is. Your wife is delusional. She's gaslighted and beaten you down so much that you've lost all confidence and the will to advocate for yourself. You're so lost in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) she's created that you don't know what's normal anymore. You hold all the cards, but have been abused so much for so long that you're too afraid to assert yourself.

I have neighbors who are hoarders. Well, she's the hoarder, but over the years the husband has been abused and drug down by the undertow of his wife's mental illness. I've witnessed the wife manipulating him, and he just falls in line. The man needs a lifeline, but cant find one.

This is why so many of us keep urging you to get some therapy, OP. It's a lifeline. You deserve to have someone objective to talk to, someone who can help you gain perspective and get your confidence back. You should also see you doctor about antidepressants, as you sound very down. Self care is so important. And you need to talk to an attorney. Another lifeline, to find out strategies for protecting yourself. Your wife and her son will suck you dry financially if you don't put a stop to this. Think of the thousands you've wasted, helping to ruin your SS. Think of running out of money in retirement because of Mrs Bates and Norman. It was never your responsibility to support these two, and your first responsibility is to yourself. 

We're here for you, OP. We understand the mental health struggles that come with living a dysfunctional step life. Please take some self care steps, and then update us.

Set up a consult appointment with each of them to assess which one you will engage with the intent of hiring each if they are the best.  Choose the best one. The consult should take the rest of them off of the table for your STBX as that would be a conflict of interest after you had a confidential conversation with the intent of considering them to represent you in the divorce.

Then.... go for STBX's throat. Put your STBX and the toxic dope head spawn under the local over pass and out of your life.

That is how you get the ball rolling. Once you pull the trigger, do not look back, do not fall for the love bombing promises to change, etc.... You have had 7yrs to learn that lesson.

Take care of you. Go live your best life.  Living your best life is the best revenge against a toxic X. Enjoy living your best life revenge.

IMHO of course.

You are allowing yourself to be bullied and manipulated unfortunately. Those temper tantrums, tears and arguments. That is called covert bullying from everything that I have read and experienced myself.  It is a way to ensure he and she keep up the status quo and that you don't rock the boat. You are also suffering a form of emotional abuse because your wife clearly knows how miserable this is making you and clearly doesn't care. If she actually cared about you she would consider your feelings and care about you enough to want you to be happy in your own home. Your SS is very typical of an adult that is failing to launch. And for sure he won't launch as he has it way too good. Ask yourself this. How will you feel when he is 40 and still living in your home, because if you don't change the situation nothing will change. How about when he is 50? This is the trajectory you are on. I would advise that before you get an attorney, get a good therapist to help you heal from this ongoing abuse. You may not be strong enough emotionally right now to make any changes. You first have to heal and learn to recognize this form of bullying. Wishing you strength and courage. Admitting to being bullied is tough because we feel ashamed but when it is covert bullying it can be even worse as it is almost unrecognizable. Your wife and SS don't realize they are using manipulative tactics either but that is what it is and the damage to you will get worse over the years. Sorry if that sounds like doom and gloom. Get strong emotionally, regain your confidence and then you can start to talk to attorneys. 

I am in the same scenario but not as long in the marriage as yours. I understand the frustrations consuming you.  I learned that I have to put me first. If I have said something over and over about my SS and why he needs to leave and nothing is done, I see where I stand in the marriage. So, unfortunately after 10 months of marriage , we may be looking at separation/divorce. It is now turning into resentment which stresses me out because besides the drama with SS , my DH and I have the best relationship. The fact he is willing to let it go because of his son and his actions I have lost respect.  If you have been unhappy that long and nothing has changed its time to move on. They will never see anything wrong with their adult child.  I am just not that parent that allows for a grown adult to live in my home not working , carefree, in and out and not contributing. I never allowed that when my own were living with me at some point. It was communicated up front the expectations, contribution, and time frame to move out.  It is draining to keep talking and arguing with your spouse about their Adult child that you are not responsible for. I say good luck to you but think about your peace of mind and happiness. 

Without force. And by force I mean the enabling stops. If he needs clothes, toiletries,  anything,  he's going to have to provide it for himself.  With the rising cost of living, groceries have skyrocketed,  so if he wants to eat, he needs to contribute more than holding down the couch. When the American colonists were struggling a rule was made that he who did not work, did not eat. That is fair.  He also needs to be given an expiration date...you and your DW can talk it over,  but I'm thinking 3 months is ample time to save some $$$ for a small studio. He can work up to something better as he can afford it.  

You and DW are entitled to your own life. Now,  DW may disagree and in that case, they can look for a two bedroom apartment they can share.  She is free to choose, but I'd be firm about no more druggie manchild raiding the kitchen when he gets the munchies.  

I don't mean to sound harsh....but I had to leave a Manchild ex that couldn't get fully away from his mom and he had his own issues I couldn't cope with any more....  I made my plan, put a deposit on a new place and told him I was leaving him the morning of the day I moved out.  I hadn't packed thr 1st box yet, but I was afraid of telling him sooner than the day I was ready to go. It's completely doable,  though unpleasant. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my kiddos.

You just have to decide and take the 1st step. Rags is right...talk to the best lawyers and remove them from her grasp immediately.  

Also, talk to her about finances,  since you're the provider...make it known that you're no longer going to provide for a grown ass man.  If/when you downsize, make sure he's clear that he has to figure out his new accommodations by a specific date. And definitely take care of yourself!!!!  Therapy is amazing for helping with clarity and taking steps to control your own life!

If this is your house I wouldn't sell it and downsize. If you do that, the place you buy will be community property. Good luck getting the leach out then! Tell your wife to find her own place with the slacker and you can date. 

We started seasoning SS-30 on his options on post HS graduation and post 18th B-day at the beginning of his Sr. year of HS.

His options were the full meal deal mom and dad college program at any university on the planet he could get accepted to or... get a job.... or go to school part time and work part time and live at home.

Though we were frustrated at the time, he informed us that though he understood that a university education is important he was not ready to put in the focus and effort. To allow us to force him in that direction would be a waste of his time and our money.  I am proud, 12+ years later that he was self aware enough, self confident enough, and confident enough is our relationship (he, his mom, and I) to be direct and honest with us.

So, we adjusted the plan. He was not interested in working which was not one of the options. So, we let him live at home, fed him, clothed him, and we worked him hard. He was our live in houseboy/chore bitch. He cleaned, cooked, washed, folded, vacuumed, swept, mopped, scraped, painted, trimmed, edged, weeded, touch up painted, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, served, cleaned, etc... The next day he did it again.

If he failed to get his daily chore list done, we left him on the front door step the next AM when we left for work.  Once we got home he had to get the prior day's unfinished jobs done as well as the current day's jobs done or he was on the curb the next day too.  He only tested us twice.  After 5mos he asked for a ride to the military recruiter's office. He enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program.  He remained our houseboy until we drove him to MEPS to leave for BMT.

Two days ago... he celebrated his 12 year service anniversity.  He is doing great in his career, is a man of honor and character, and is a quality viable adult.

His mom and I are proud of the man we raised.

Many parents seem to miss the point that their job is to prepare their children for adult life, not protect them them from it.

If this is YOUR home, put the toxic spawn on the curb. If their failed parent takes exception, put them on the curb as well and get on with your life.

This pot head mooching entitled POS needs to grow up and face life.  They can grow up from now on their own time and their own dime.

IMHO.