Need some help!
I'm 35 years old, been married for 9 years, have 1 step child (20 yrs) and two children with my wife (7 and 8 yrs). The problem that I am encountering is with my step child. When I first met his mother over 11 years ago, everything was fine. He had no contact with his real dad and I did everything I could to make him feel loved. Progressively our relationship worsened. We married 2 years into our relationship and just under 1 year later, my wife fell pregnant with our daughter. This appears to be when things started to turn for the worse for me. In a nutshell, ever since this point my step son has progressively got worse. Things started off small, he has stolen money from my wallet, constantly lives in a fantasy world (I personally think this comes from his obsession with computer games), lies about everything you can imagine, manipulates his grandparents, turns any argument into a drama about how we don't love him as much as our other two kids and breaks all the house rules. As the years have progressed, I've started to get annoyed with all his behaviours no matter how small.
We moved into a new home 4 years ago that needed totally renovating. I decided to decorated his room first so that he has somewhere of his own (being a teenager). A year on he had complete trashed his room, the walls were all damaged, the wardrobe door broken and his built in cabin bed damaged and carpet ruined. As already mentioned, despite reiterating the house rules, he continually broke them. He took food and drink into his bedroom, refused to keep his room tidy, can't bring himself to put a plate in the dishwasher and did nothing around the house. When he turned 19 and got a job, we decided he would need to pay some board (the idea was that he paid £30 per week and we would save this up without him knowing and then when he decided to move out, we would give him the money to put towards a deposit for his house, or to furnish his home). The first month was paid fine, after that, he would pay late and then eventually he didn't pay a penny for 3 months. I was constantly on at his mum as if I said anything to him, he ends up in a massive strop and disappears off to his grandmas a week at a time. Anyway, cutting a long story short, probably 7 months into paying rent (or not paying as the case usually was), he decided he was going to move into a rented house with a friend. We pointed out that his job was only temporary (he left a perfectly good permenant job for a temporary Christmas job) and that he was not in a position to move. Anyway, he lost his temporary job after Christmas and still decided to move in with his friend who had told him he didn't need to pay anything until he managed to get a job (January 2020). As he was just turning 20, there was nothing more we could do to stop him so we gave him what rent he had paid us and I also offered to buy him a new bed (which he insisted needed to be a double bed) at the cost of £600.
Since then, he has not even attempted to find a job and his friend has now decided he is moving into a house of his own (probably due to our stepson not contributing). He wants to move home and I am utterly filled with fear. I have spent 5 months alone with my wife and children, redecorated his room and moved our house around to accommodate the family business. I have had such a lovely time with my wife and two children with very few arguments or falling outs and I can't bear the thought of him moving back home.
On first finding out he wanted to move back, I told my wife that I don't know if I can cope with it and she just glazed over the comment and moved onto something else. I honestly can't go back to how things were. Constant shouting and screaming at his computer that echoes through the house at all times of night and day, no contribution towards board, eating all the food and drink, silly little things like leaving plates out, not tidying his bedroom, probably wrecking his bedroom again etc...
It is our anniversary this week and I really feel like I am being false in celebrating it. I feel absolutely awful, I love my wife and children dearly but cannot seem envisage a way that I can live miserably again. I honestly don't know what I do!
Be blunt - he's an adult and
Be blunt - he's an adult and is not, repeat not, moving back in. Be absolutely clear about this and say it NOW! No more beating about the bush.
I know you are heavy on the
I know you are heavy on the SS being the problem, but in reality, I'm guessing it is your wife. Long ago, I'm guessing, due to mommy guilt or whatever, she decided to coddle him and give into him and not expect that much in return from him for her "love." So, you now have a spoiled, Succubus 20 YO who wants to move back in with you all. Mom is probably thrilled to have her little boy back. She probably can't wait to have her little man-puppy under her wing again.
So, first thing you need to address is your wife's enabling behaviors that have been allowed to go on for far too long. Does she really want a Succubus 20 YO living with her that will go on to set a horrible example for her younger children? Of course, she sees him as her darling son, and one who probably is a good big brother. You need to have a deep discussion with your wife and one that she cannot glaze over. Don't let her. Even if it means going to counseling.
I get that any parent would want to take their child back, no matter what the age, if that child appeared to be in some kind of trouble. But, taking someone who has never held their own back, is just enabling them to be the baby-man or -woman that their "loving" bio-parent turned them into. ALSO, she has two other children to think about, in addition to you.
Whatever you do, don't let him back in until you and your wife have some sort of plan, boundaries, etc. I don't know. I think there must be a special place in purgatory for parents who raise these kids to do nothing other than be dependent on them, and then take these kids back time and time again when they fail to launch. Then, they expect their spouse and other children in the home to put up with all of this shitasu too! Who is that helping? Other than giving the bio-parent some sort of convuluted opportunity to pat themselves on the back, there is no one else it is helping, not even SS. Tough love.
2 truths
1. The problem is your wife being unable to say no.
2. Stepson needs to make other arrangements. Don't let him move back.
Good luck. I know what you are going thru.
Yep, your wife is the issue
Yep, your wife is the issue here. Stand your ground - he's not moving back. He's a grown man that needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.
If she wants to temporarily subsidize him, until he can find a job, MAYBE. But not with your money and not in your home. If he moves back in, he won't leave, and she won't make him follow rules or pay rent.
I think you just have to be
I think you just have to be honest with her. I would personally offer him a few hundred dollars and tell him you are sorry, he can't come home but hope this helps. Don't give in our he will never leave.
I agree, your wife is the
I agree, your wife is the issue. Do not let her make the same mistakes with your younger children.
Apparently you had house rules, but no consequences for when the rules were broken. Otherwise there wouldn't have been a steady stream of missing rent payments. In the real world, no rent = eviction.
You might suggest to your wife that you help her son financially with rent for two or three months (if you can) and by then he will be expected to have a job and be self sufficient.
My SS absolutely turned his life around when, finally, nobody would take him in and I had to force DH from "helping him" financially. It was awful for DH, but SS eventually got his act together and found a job he likes and pays his own way. SS says now it was the best thing DH ever did for him. I hope the same for you and your SS.
If he's already out, you are ahead of the 8 ball, and you just
need to change the locks (preferably to the coded type that can be changed without re-keying them) and notify the police if he trespasses onto YOUR property. He's 20, not 2. Do not complicate things.
Also, it's your anniversary week, give yourself this gift that you so richly deserve. You've said yourself how pleasant your life and marriage have been since he was out of the house. Why ruin a good thing by reopening all of this chaos?
Wife has put up with it and she's a huge part of your problem.
He can move with grandma
It seems like he has a good relationship with his grandmother so he can move in with her. I would take a hard "no" stance with your wife on him moving back in with you. The main reason being that it is not good to have a young adult in the home influencing your small children. They will likely think he is "cool" and may start copying his bad habits. Be strong and don't give into your wife on this one. It would be different if he was responsible with a full time job and going to college, but this is not the case here. Perhaps grandma can give him a dose of real life and get this man child to grow up. Good luck!