need your help
So I have not posted for a long time. I have 2 adult skids 33 and 35. The SD is married with 2 kids.They have bullied me for years. They have also bullied their father but he is willing to put up with. So today he finally stood up to them for me. They told DH that they are both done with him. He made a decision that put me Our marriage and me first. So now DH is. Dying and second guessing his decision and saying that he will never see his Gkids again. The SD has a history of this. She did not speak to him for several years before I came along because he stood up to her. Then 6 or 7 years ago she didn't speak to him for 3 years because he wanted his wife to join them for dinner. She showed up again in time to get him to pay for her wedding. The time she was not speaking to him our marriage was very wonderful.
so my question how do I keep Dh to not put the blame on me for his kids writing him off because he stood up for me? He says he is in mourning. I am hoping we can use this time to strength our marriage.
Stand firm
If he wants to blame you for the falling out with SD, tell him you will not accept it. He made the decision to support and defend you. It was his call. One thing - this is a good time for you to disengage from any any association with SD. Don't discuss her with him, if he brings her up, change the subject. If he 'mourns', leave the room. If he wants to visit her let he can do it on his own, as long as it doesn't conflict with your plans, Eventually he will get the message that you are not interested in having a relationship with her.
He will mourn and he needs to
He will mourn and he needs to work through that. His kids are emotional manipulators and they know full well he will mourn after all that is how they usually get their way. It is awful and something I am all to familiar with. My step kids, also adults act the same way toward my husband. He too mourns when they ignore him.
With my help he has started to see that they treat him badly either way whether he plays by their rules or not. He still is upset and still mourns but for the most part now I let him work it out in his mind but we are many years in. In the beginning like you are I used to try to help but really it then just got blamed on me so I was reluctant to say to much. I did always say to him you have done nothing wrong and you can't just do what they want so they will talk to you. It is horrible and immature of them. He would sometimes get mad at me but I really think he did because he knew I was right.
It's a really bad no win situation but he needs to come to terms with the fact that it is not your fault and he is in a relationship with you and that is what he needs to work on.
Thank you. The decision he
Thank you. The decision he made was a good choice. We are quanteened because we have DH relative living with us and he is high risk for covid. As am I . DH is also. SD was having event for kid with a lot of people. DH took flowers and a card to event site before they got there saying he was sorry but he would not be there because he needed to protect us from being exposed. If he had gone he would have had to self isolate for 2 weeks. He would have been putting our lives at risk. He did no want to risk our lives. This was a good choice and he finally put us first. They then called him and told him they we done with him, and hung up on him.
I feel bad for him but I have put up with their constant abuse for 15 years. He finally put me first.
He actually protected me. I am so afraid he will cave if SD says he can GKids if.......
His children, at least SD,
His children, at least SD, are just evil. SD literally expected her dad to risk lives, including his own, for her/ gkids event!? And then when he provided a clearly appropriate response for not attending, she calls him and tells him they are done with him? That is just evil.
My mom and I were having a discussion the other day and came to the conclusion that in our extended family there is only one of my nieces, one of her grand-daughters, that even remotely acts like she cares vs. the other 9 or so nieces and nephews of mine and her own/ blood grandchildren. We were both saying we're sick and tired of being the only ones reaching out, caring. So, we are both (yes, even blood-grandma) thinking we are done reaching out to the other 9. One-way streets are rarely enjoyable. Even as a blood-relative, you only have so much giving you can do before you say, "Enough is enough."
Why would your DH blame you for this? How could you be held accountable for being at high risk for Covid? He is himself, as you say. Nope. He just has an evil daughter. That is all there is to it, and he is not alone nowadays, unfortunately. Time for us "oldies" to just start saying No! and Enough is Enough to all of these demanding succubuses that seem to be out there, many of them expecting to be the center of the universe or else. Fine; so long.
Like the Amish say, “Don’t try to understand evil. Just learn to recognize it when you see it and avoid it.”
He did the right thing
and his kids are very selfish in not understanding. There will be more events but possibly not for him, or you or the relative living with you if you catch COVID. Very selfish and immature of Step kids. I also think they are showing how little they care for their father you would think that would help his decision knowing how little they care but it never does.
A good, caring man
I don't have any advice but his actions show he is a good, caring man. I get the impression you are an older couple, like we are. I'm going to make a joke here, tell him to just hold on a few months and Christmas will be coming and they will make contact again. It's not really a joke, though. I feel for you.
All humor holds an element of truth!
You may very well be right that they will circle back around come holidays/birthdays or a need of financial help of some kind!
I don't really get
I don't really get mourning the loss of worthless pieces of s---t adult kids. They are 33 and 35, not 3 and 5. What exactly is he losing by them writing him off? You said SD has written him off at other times, with at least one of those times being before you were in his life. You have to take whatever approach you feel is best for you because no one knows your situation better than you. But if it were me, I would remind him SD has a history of writing him off even prior to me coming into the picture. I would not allow him to pin any blame for his piece of s--t adult kids poor behavior on me. It's just very frustrating that some of these men feel they love their kids so much that only their kids peace and happiness matters. If it were me I would tell him that instead of mourning the loss of toxic people, he should be celebrating the accomplishment of finally loving himself, our relationship, and I all appropriately. When I read about stories like these or even think about the relationship with my ex, it makes me wonder if these so-called men just enjoy being miserable. Who in their right mind would put up with that level of toxicity? He has nothing to feel bad about, and absolutely nothing to mourn. They already don't respect him, you, or the marriage between the two of you. So again what exactly is he losing?
Mourning
I can identify with you more than you will ever know. I've had 20 years of abuse from my partner's two adult daughters. As a result of their inflated sense of entitlement and my partner's sense of parental responsibility, my relationship with him has been lost for good.. Our relationship has been eclipsed and governed by their wants and needs time and time again until I have reached a place where I have little respect for him and absolutely none for them.
Quite simply, by this stage in your relationship you should not be concerning yourself about him caving in and going back to them - those thoughts shouldn't even be on your radar. You should be grounded in your marriage and undeniably united in your union - you need to feel that and they need to see that. Your DH is guilty of allowing them to come between you and moreover enabling them to stay there.. Keep reinforcing to him that you deserve to be treated as his number one, with respect and consideration and don't feel guilty about wanting that.
It sounds very much like the step daughters are in your DH's life on their terms only. He needs to grow a pair and realise they are his adult daughters, not his children. They have their own lives to live. When he says he is mourning let him know that you've been in mourning for the past 15 years - you have mourned for the emotional togetherness, the trust and deep connection that a marriage should offer. Between the three of them they have stolen that from you.
As they have manipulated him, don't let him emotionally manipulate you with the "I'm in mourning routine". Its not all about them and him. You have a right to happiness too and need to be kind to yourself.
I would make it a point of
I would make it a point of discussion fairly regularly to thank him for valuing you as his wife and for giving that message to his adult children. You could also have cards on hand for him to send to his kids.
I am sorry to hear that your DH is not doing well.
Be the pleasant present influence in his life and do not shy away from pointing out the toxic immature crap his kids are pepetrating.
HEY!!Apparently this is "what they do." I wouldn't put too much
energy or time into worrying about their sick dynamic.
Congratulations on him taking a stand for his marriage.
If he has a history of backsliding, this will probably be a repeat episode.
I'm sorry this is happening. It's always about SK's, and NEVER about their parent(s). You'd think once these SK's reach a certain age, they would be happy for their mother or father, if for no other reason that they are off the hook for their elder care etc.
Though I'm sad this sick dynamic is perpetuating, I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE. I have messaged you to NO AVAIL.
Don't you dare let him blame
Don't you dare let him blame you for any of this. His DD was punishing him for not doing what she wanted before you arrived on the scene, like my OSD has. It was their relationship dynamic that preceded you, and he did nothing to address it and demand her respect.
You being DH's wife is just another reason for her to be pissed off. Doesn't matter if you're Mother Teresa or Tonya Harding.
And if your DH ever brings up that you are the reason, you remind him that his DD was punishing him before you arrived on the scene, and you will take no blame other than that you exist and breathe.
Yes, your DH is now afraid of losing his kids/gkids. Remind him that if doesn't put his marriage first he will lose you. Grandkids will be adults before he knows it. "Wife" is supposed to last until death us do part.
He should tell his kids to grow the h3ll up.
Good point but I wouldn't take ANY blame!
"And if your DH ever brings up that you are the reason, you remind him that his DD was punishing him before you arrived on the scene, and you will take no blame other than that you exist and breathe."
I'd put a full stop on that statement right after "you will take no blame." Most SDs do consider our living and breathing to be a problem - LOL!
So an update. Everything has
So an update. Everything has been great between DH and I. Until today. So on Father's Day SS texted DH happy Father's Day. Not a word from SS.
So this morning I am doing my work from home. My phone rings it is SD on caller ID. I don't answer it because in 15 years she has only called me once and it was to attack me.
I go find DH and ask him what is going on. I showed him my phone with the missed call. He says you didn't answer it did you? I said no. So I said again what is going on? He said that SS and SD are accusing me of blocking SD on his phone. I said I had not done anything like that. I asked him to see his phone and with him right there showed him in settings that nobody was blocked on his phone.
So DH says he needs to show both his kids his phone so they will know I didn't block her. I got very upset over this. I don't think We have to prove anything to them. I should not have to defend myself every time they make false accusations against me. I should not have to keep proving myself .
I think DH needs to shut this down and tell them both I will not listen to any of your attacks on my wife. End of conversation. It really is that simple. One sentence.
So now SD has called Daddy 5 times today. I hear him keep saying to her I love you too.
The last time she made false accusations of me she started her campaign that she is there to protect DH from me. So I told DH that I can not go through that again. So he says they can say what ever they want about me but he know the truth that I didn't do anything, and that is all that matters. It is not all that matters. DH should not let anyone attack his wife. He keeps saying he is in my corner. How can you be so lovey with someone who is attacking your wife? I don't understand that at all.
I know DH is kissing SD ass again because she will pull the plug on him seeing his grandkids. That is not love.
I am really tied of being attacked and false accused by 2 really sick people.
You want DH to not only say
You want DH to not only say that what they are accusing you of is not true, but also to take a stand and tell them that they must stop talking about his wife that way. Or else.
Well, that's not going to happen. The wussiness he is displaying now is the same wussiness he raised his kids with....not correcting bad behavior. As for now, he would rather live in denial than deal with how he raised his kids, that his kids don't care about if he is happy.
And does it matter if he shows his kids you didn't block them? They already know you didn't; they are just using that as an excuse 1. to make you look bad, 2. for why they have not called him. When there is a landline in the house.
Yes, your DH is playing nice with his SD now because he knows the gkids will be withheld. He also knows the crumbs he gets from her are temporary and she will back to herself soon. She will ask what he did to punish you for blocking her, and when she realizes he did nothing, she will start punishing him all over again.
Keep yourself far from your skids so you are not attacked. You will have to accept that your DH lives in denial and won't deal with things. If you are not able to do that, you will need to split.
I understand your wanting DH
I understand your wanting DH to stand up for you and tell his kids to respect you. But he won't. He never has, likely never will.
But unless it actually affects you in some tangible way, best you can do is just walk away from it all. Don't discuss them, don't offer advice to DH. Don't let them take up any space in your head.
Your DH is assuring you that you are not at fault, and he's not trying to get you to "apologize" or "be the bigger person." So that's good. Hold on to that part and let him have those miserable people all to himself. As long as you don't hear about it or have to deal with it.
I agree
"It is not all that matters. DH should not let anyone attack his wife" This is something I have had a problem with too. Your DH needs a lesson in what it means to be a husband - now - because I can tell you from experience, if DH continues to not stand up for you, it is going to get worse every time he wimps out until one day you finally say "Enough!"
Your DH needs to be put on notice that his kids are being blocked on your cell phone, and if he throws you under the bus one more time he will be looking for some other place to live for a while.
I am sorry to say I have been going through this for 29 years up until recently when I started to get all of my financial affairs in order in preparation for legal separation. DH seems to sense something is coming down the pike. He has been on his best behavior for now but he is still very close to the edge of no return.
DH really needs to know you are serious, this a deal breaker for you, and you will not allow it to ever happen again without consequences. Stand firm.
No Man in Wimp Husband
There is no changing this man if he cow toes to his spoiled adults. He has never corrected them and will not do so in the future, regardless. These adult brats---run the show and if the show is taken away or minimized, they stop seeing dadeeeee. He knows it and is scared to death to correct them for any reason, even if he knows they need correcting.
If they cannot run us SM's off, they get angry at daddeee and that is probably the best we can hope for. In the meantime, stay away from the family drama at all cost.