I'd be furious. I'd have a real problem with DH going off to play happy family with BM. If he couldn't show more respect for our marriage then I would see not reason to be married. best fo luck to you. 

so I couldn’t care less if skids wanted, allow or didn’t allow me to attend them at hospotal when they have kids... if you are disengaged, you don’t have to do anything for skid ever!! No gifts!! No forgive and forget while they are allowed to never apologize. 

Your husband is a poor excuse of a father to not set rules and model good behaviour with his kids

I would lose my ever loving $hit on my DH.  I suggest marriage counseling ASAP

I am not a religious person but apparently your DH is.  It seems to me that he is doing a pretty serious Chinese menu approach to his infliction of biblical requirements.  While there is a great deal in the bible about forgiveness, there is also an absolute mandate that children respect their parents.  I don't recall a word about parents deferring to their children.  I also seem to remember a little reference in the marriage service to joining as one with the spouse.  Not being as one when except when it is inconvenient and then pretending that the marriage did not occur.   And in most Christian marriage ceremonies, the congregation at some point is asked if they object or forever hold their peace and then asked if they will promise to support the marriage and the response is "we will."  Presumably the SD was there at the wedding and so he should remind her of this?  If he is going to use religion as a weapon against others then perhaps he should consider living according to ALL the rules, rather than cherry-picking, and then actually following them himself.  Just a thought.

"A picture represents a frozen moment in time. It has only the significance in your life that you are willing to assign it.

The birthday is over and your life has not changed in one iota. Do not give  head space to fleeting events that have no real impact on your life."

Really - her husband lying to her, excluding her and playing Happy Family with his ex-wife has no real impact on her life? A picture is just a frozen moment in time that has no significance? So if saw a picture of her child being abused, it's "just a frozen moment in time" and "only has the significance you are willing to assign it"?  That's some twisted logic there.

OP, he's betraying you repeatedly to keep his daughter's fantasy alive and well, so that she doesn't cut him out of her life. It's disturbing, to be honest. and I think 15 years is plenty of time for you to have put up with that nonsense.

I shut any BM interactions down when DH and I were dating. BM and I both lived in the same city. When DH moved here he stopped by to tell her hello. That was 100% unacceptable to me. It was early enough in our dating that had he objected or tried to get defensive I'd have just said "next" and moved on. 
 

when the first baby was born I had not banned SS and GF from my life. I bought some cute baby clothes for about $25.  By the time the 2nd child arrived they were long banished. But I didn't want DH asking them what they wanted as I knew it would probably be something very expensive. I sent him with a package of diapers- not even wrapped. That satisfied him. 

I was seeing red just reading your post!  What a betrayl. If I were to see my DH posing in a happy first family photo he would be in hot water and we would be in counseling ASAP.  Especially if he lied about just having breakfast with his daughter.  His actions are totally disrespectful and now he is gas lighting you!  

So he said that SD told him that the only way he would be allowed to see her on her birthday is if he went to her breckfast party along with BM

Your husband is so pathetic. Besides being a lying, scheming, gaslighting jerk, he is pathetic, letting his daughter make these kinds of demands.

I wouldn't create or buy anything for his kids or his grandkids.

A husbands loyalty is unequivocally to his wife.  
 

Period.

If not, he should not be married.  If not, his wife should not tolerate him. Period.

The same applies to a wife towards her husband.

by using The Bible to shame you into submission, remind him that a husband is to love his wife as CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH, and that you have to guard your heart, and a husband and WIFE ARE TO BECOME ONE. Those are things MY BIBLE has written in it.

He knew this well in advance, and the fact he knew you wouldn't be happy about it and did IT ANYWAY speaks volumes.

You should be glad you're not "allowed" to be around these toxic bottom feeders. I wouldn't want to be if I were in the picture. Consider it a blessing. I wouldn't have BOUGHT ONE THING FOR ANYONE in this group. They all deserve each other.

No speaky, no gifty. Point blank. And let her believe you’re a witch, she already thinks it without the free stuff. 

After 15 years, why are you still tolerating this? 

Adults who insist that events must be celebrated on exactly the correct day always seem very immature to me. Even most children manage to wait until the weekend for their birthday parties. I am not sure why a woman of 35 and her parents all believe that the day of her birth is sacred. His excuse is ridiculous, sd is controlling and your husband is enabling. 

This is ridiculous head games on your DH's and SD'S part, at your expense.   You are totally disengaged from your SD.  Your DH is attempting to weaken this disengagement, by suggesting you forget and forgive.  I have been through this speech also. 

The family picture, is cruel disrespect to you and your marriage.  You will need to come to terms with yourself and make this turn around, or let these games continue.  How you handle this will entirely be your choice, not anyone else.  

After 30+ years of the same type of games in my marriage, I had enough.  I let it build up and that was not a good thing.  Take it slow, make it all happen for you, but correct it by taking control of your own life.  Make boundaries for you, not them.  I took control, regained my alpha female position, and absolutely take no abuse and have not for the past 6 years.  

I was called a b****ch, etc.  My SD never had respect for me before, so now she can have her dadeee....any time she likes.  Since I made this clear, 6 years ago, to them all, they stopped all the games, because I refused to play by their rules. 

I simply told DH to go live with SD, BM, SS, whoever, but I was not playing the game, I was finished.  They are, and always have been free to visit, cruise, whatever they wish, but leave me out of their dysfunctional family.  I met it and will never go back on my disengagement.  I should have stopped it years before I did.  

Give them each other, they won't play long.  I am civil, but do not get involved.  Block your Facebook. 

Do not ask questions or view something you do not want to hear or see the raw answers.  I haven't been on social media with STEPKIDS for 8 years.  Not a clue about them.  So peaceful.  Not interested.  DH respects my disengagement now too.  

Hugs.  I get it.  But you have to fix it.  Stay here for support.

Your DH obviously likes to cherry pick from the bible. Funny how he thinks a few verses can excuse his years of throwing his wife under the bus.  Poor DH stuck in the middle, right where he put himself.  

That you are going through this, and have gone through this for so long.

Dont let them control you! Take yourself back.

Stay disengaged.

I'm here to offer support, and to suggest that you start investing more in yourself and your life as an individual. The more you fill your life up with hobbies, activities, and positive people, the more your soul will be nourished and the stronger your self esteem will be.

Your H is a weak, foolish man who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants what makes him feel good, seems to operate out of fear, and uses manipulation/religious psychobabble to control you and rationalize his unfaithfulness to your covenant. In short, he's a bible-flavored fruit loop who's still chasing crumbs from the Holy First Family.

Stop being so available for him to hurt you. No arguing or explaining; just get busy creating a happy life without him. Let him wonder what you're doing and with whom. Let him come home to a dark, cold home. Leave him to shift for himself, while you come home late, happy and fulfilled. He likes to chase? Let HIM feel lonely, and see if he chases you.

Doing this was part of how I recalibrated my own marriage. My H was unhappy that I had disengaged and was no longer doing all the emotional labor or acting as a meat shield with his kids and the in laws, so I let him FEEL how lonely life was without my support and devotion. Despite all the chasing, most skids wouldn't urinate on their fathers if they were on fire, and it didn't take long for my H to recognize that life was better with me. Either your marriage will improve or it won't, but you'll be better positioned with lots of supportive friends and activities if it doesn't.

Wow, picking and choosing his BIble verses!  What about husband and wife becoming one flesh? That means you, not the ex-wife or daughter.He is weak and disrespectful to you- putting his daughter first and then asking you to suck it up and buy gifts? Apparently you have accepted this sort of thing for many years so I can just say sorry, and keep venting if it helps you. Exjuliemccoy has some great suggestions and I'm happy for her being able to create a change. Until you can move on from caring about this drama you will be unhappy I'm afraid.