New to forums - SD19 out and not allowed back!
SD19 has borderline personality disorder (not a guess, it’s real diagnosis). The focus of her back and forth hate is me yay. She made my life hell. I had her full time since age four with no help, with a dad that just sits here and didn’t help with the age 13-18 insanity that the girl brought every single day for every minute of those years. So anyway, she ran away over and over due to my “abuse” of her ( clear dinner table was her chore ... yes that’s is it... age 18... she said she was my maid...) BUT this last time she ran off she was over 18. Yay!!! I didn’t have to let her back in my house!!!!!! Never again. Never. I send her care packages like bras and socks and she visits for dinner every other week. She also smokes, vapes, drinks daily, and smokes pot. None of which allowed in my house.
she tried to tell me some of her delusions to my face like her curfew was “10pm on weekends” yet she was out until 12 every weekend as far as people that loved her recall... including the friend she had staying here every weekend...
so im here to vent when things resurface or she does crap. She likes to stir the pot.
My sd21 would go telling
My sd21 would go telling everyone I made her do all the housework and would complain if I didn't cook *everyday*. (If it was leftover day for dinner she'd have her grandmother drive 20 minutes to come take her through a drive through) My rules were if you want me to drive you to work or home, help around the house. She refused to lift a finger so she had to order Lyfts everywhere she went and told everyone at work that I made her get her own rides AND do all the house work. The lies were so unbelievable! My dh had people asking him did we need some groceries or money bc sd was telling them we took all her money :/
My other skids are known for being really dishonest as well. It's so weird.
Welcome to StepTalk. You'll
Welcome to StepTalk. You'll find plenty of support here.
We have many posters whose step situations include some form of mental illness, myself included. My DH's maternal side has a wide streak of instability. Lots of addiction,.anxiety, etc. BM1 has some bats in her belfry, is medicated but has never been formally diagnosed. BM2 (yes, he bred with crazy twice) is seriously mentally ill. Both her mother and grandmother were institutionalized for mental illness. BM2 was diagnosed as bipolar in her forties, but I believe she's far worse off than that. And you can imagine what their offspring is like. Both of my DH's daughters have mental health issues. His niece and nephew are both addicts who've been committed for psychiatric care. Three of the four have had kids, so the beat goes on.
I raised YSD from 14 until she ran off at 19, doing more for her than both bioparents. Lord, what a struggle dealing with a mentally ill teen. She went through four therapists; she lied outrageously, creating an inner narrative that had little to do with reality; and she was oversexualized, believing that every boy wanted her. But I loved her, and when she ran off (3 days before Christmas, stealing all her presents.from under the tree) I was devastated. Of course, she blamed me for everything. BPD much?
It sounds like you married into a dysfunctional dynamic, saw issues, and tried to fix things. I did too, while my H remained checked out. But overfunctioning for others is a thankless job that ultimately accomplishes very little. It puts the whole marriage out of balance, and a target on your back for playing the bad cop.
You're a good woman to have raised your SD and fought the good fight. Good for you for tapping out and saying ENOUGH. Keep those boundaries strong, make sure you're on the same page with your DH, and make sure you have a hard rule that his adult daughter is never allowed to live with you again. She'll be back every time her life goes up in flames, spreading upheaval and toxicity.
Oh, and get in front of the grandskids issue now, or you'll get stuck raising the next generation of hardbroke kids. Nope, no way Jose. Lots of these distant/lazy/useless bio fathers perk up and want to be Grandpa of the Year (with you doing all of the actual work, of course) when they're told their bloodline is being perpetuated. Grandkids are a weapon and bargaining chip in the hands of a selfish skid, so have a firm policy in place.
Lastly, be good to yourself and especially any other children in your home. You've all been affected by the soul-sucking drama and toxicity. Decompressing takes time. Make your home a peaceful, loving, drama free zone. I did. My DH sees how much more pleasant and comfortable life is, and is actually the one who chose to go to No Contact with his daughters.
Thank you, this is so nice to
Thank you, this is so nice to hear. I have a 16 year old foster daughter who experienced severe trauma in her life and is very kind and sweet, a 6 year old boy, and a 4 year old boy (spina bifida and autism).
My 19SD has destroyed any contact I had with her maternal grandparents with all her blatant and vicious lies. The fact that she will say her completely delusional made up lies right in front of me is insane. She tried to talk about how she was grounded for years on end and locked in her room never allowed out and the poor mistreated dear didn't even know why she was ever grounded. She said this at my in-laws table right in front of me. She looked me right in the face and smiled. She thought I wouldn't out her. So I said OH THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE CARRYING ALL THE DRUGS FOR THAT DRUG DEALER AND SENDING NAKED PICTURES OF YOUR ENTIRE NUDE BODY TO THAT SECOND AND THIRD DRUG DEALER AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL HONEY, IF YOU FORGOT, *THAT* WAS WHY YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CELL PHONE FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR ... BECAUSE IT WAS COMPLETELY UNSAFE TO GIVE YOU A CELL PHONE... DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE KEPT GIVING YOU THE IPHONES AND WITHIN THREE DAYS YOUR GENITALS WERE POSTED ONLINE HONEY? YES, AND THE DRUG DEALER SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR LOOKING FOR THE STASH YOU HELD FOR HIM AND I HAD TO CALL THE POLICE TO GET ALL THE NUDES OF YOU AT AGE 16 FULLY NUDE OFF THE DRUGDEALER-BOYS PHONE WITH HIS MOM THERE? YES, IT WAS UNFORTUNATE YOU COULDN'T SAFELY HANDLE A PHONE, BUT YOU DID HAVE FRIENDS OVER EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND AND I DROVE ABOUT 3 HOURS ROUND TRIP PICKING THEM ALL UP, DROPPING YOU ALL OFF AT THE MALL, AND PICKING YOU ALL UP AND DROPPING THEM ALL OFF AT THEIR HOUSES... OH YEAH UNTIL YOU STOLE $500 FROM THE STORE AT THE MALL AND GOT ARRESTED AND I HAD TO PAY $500 FOR A BOND TO KEEP YOU FROM HAVING A RECORD AND YOU WERE BANNED FROM THE MALL... YES, THAT CERTAINLY WAS ONE THING I REMEMBER QUITE CLEARLY...
She didn't think I'd out her because until she turned 18, I protected her privacy so family wouldn't think poorly of her and I'd bow my head and saw oh honey.... now... gloves are off. want to dare try to say false accusasions on me, I'll set her straight and quick.
YSD spread lies, painted me
YSD spread lies, painted me as the villian, and tried to position herself as a victim with family - it's very common behavior.
You got some of your own back by exposing her misdeeds, but I wouldn't do so again. Time is on your side, as these disordered females can't help but show their crazy and drama over and over. Your in-laws will come to see that your SD is the problem. Don't confide in or vent to them; they're not your people and you can't trust them. If pressed, make short factual comments like That's part of her illness, Her therapist tried to address that, etc. Stick to facts, and keep emotion out of it unless it's something that painta you in a sympathetic light (*sigh* I tried sooo hard with Bi!chella! or, I wish she wouldn't be so mean to her younger siblings. They love Bi!chella, and she's so unkind to them *lip quivers*). And there's always That's a painful subject. Let's talk about something else.
I'm not saying don't defend yourself or call SD out immediately when she lies, just be strategic about it.
This is 100% spot on. They
This is 100% spot on. They thrive on drama so eventually it will catch up to them. I got very lucky and have proof my stepdaughter lies and manipulates and grossly exaggerates things, and of course, as her stepmother, I was her target. It all comes out in the wash eventually...
Lol. Once he had
*diablo*Lol. Once he had graduated from HS then turned 18 we did make my SS do all of the chores. No job, refused to go to college.... hello life as our chore bitch.
I sent you a PM...can relate.
I sent you a PM...can relate. I feel as if I could have written this post.
I hope you stick and never
I hope you stick to your guns and never allow her back in your home, EVER. You've done so much for her and her ungrateful @ss never appreciated any of it. So let her live life on her own and you can start getting the peace of mind that you so rightfully deserve. Family or not, toxic is toxic and she shouldn't be allowed in your space.
I have to ask, what did her father do throughout all these awful situations when they took place? How do you even have any respect for him?