That's a tough one. My DH's 35 year old son died a few years ago. It was a horrible situation. BM refused to deal with DH at all. The son died out of state. BM held the funeral, listed DH as the father and told everyone that he couldn't be bothered to come - when he didn't even know about it till later.

It was a horrible time. But we eventually got thru it. You will get your DH back. He just needs to process this however he can. Suicide is the worst.

Best wishes to you and your DH.

I am sorry. Just give it time. My DD lost her DH last year, ex and I had to talk to each other/spend unusual amount of time with her and each other because she was in a terrible shape. My DH probably felt like you are feeling now. Your situation is worse. We lost son in law but your DH lost a child. It's horrendous pain to endure. Just be there when he needs you. Give it time. Be supportive. Hang in there

He should not be talking to the EX. This is the deal he made with you, when he married you. Not to have anything to do with the EX.
If he wanted a relationship with the EX he should stayed married to her. Death of a child is the worst thing in the world. The worst experience in the world. But this does not give him a free pass. Looks like EX means more than you

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Give DH time and room to grieve but if he continues to closely communicate with BM and shuts you out I would ask him to see a counselor with you. This is a fragile situation which should be handled by someone who can help him with his grief and also guide the two of you into better communication with each other.

No one can place a time limit on grief but out of his love for you, he should not be shutting you out, and he should not be using BM as a confidante. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and it would be very hard to deal with. Please take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

He needs to see a therapist to get through his grief properly. The death of a child is probably one of the worst things a person can deal with....having it be by suicide compounds the grief. He isn't shutting you out because he doesn't love you, he just knows you can't possibly understand the pain he is feeling. The BM is feeling the same pain.
Not that it makes it any easier for you....I understand how confused and hurt you must feel also.

But the most important thing is, get him talking to a therapist soon.

I lost my father totally unexpectedly about 6 months ago. I didn't deal with the grief properly as I was trying to be strong for my mother and family. It finally caught up to me and I went to see someone. It has helped me tremendously.

Hugs to you!!

Both Sandy and SM12 have given you sound advice.

I would reach out to your local resources and find out if there is a hospice or other suicide/death/grief-related group that your DH can go to. They are usually free. Just sitting and listening to others may be of help at first, and eventually your DH will be comfortable enough to share his feelings and thoughts. This will provide him with an appropriate outlet for expressing himself, INSTEAD of leaning too heavily on BM.

I may be wrong, but sometimes I think it may be easier for men to go to a group like this at first rather than one-on-one with a counselor. I know when I went to a hospice-based grief support group, the men were very open about their feelings. I always remember one professional guy saying how he went to work every day and "acted normal" but inside he was carrying this huge invisible burden around with him. In the group, he was able to talk about it, cry a bit, and was appreciative of having the group as a resource.

Eventually, when he is able to process his grief, he will begin to open up more to you about it and it will draw you both closer to each other.

First, I am so, so sorry for you and your DH's loss. This is my biggest fear, losing one of my skids. I do not believe my DH could handle it.

I cannot say if you will ever get your DH back; but I can say that it will never be the same. Death changes all lives involved, including yours. The key is to build from this day forward. If I've heard it once, I've heard it many times; "when things get back to normal" and "is he over it". That is a myth, you never get over losing your child, you learn to live with it. I lost both of my teen sons in an accident. I give you this from the bottom of my heart; I have been thru it.

I did not turn to my Ex; he was the last person, and still is, that I wanted to see during my grief. Everyone is different, men experience grief different than women for sure. Grief is not greater for one (male or female); it is what it is. Even though I never want to deal with my Ex, I know he has a heavy burden of grief also and I give him that respect.

I never expected my DH (stepfather), or anyone else, to understand my grief. I would not push anything on your DH. Let it go and move forward; just be supportive. If you want to become close to your DH again, let him grieve and in his own way. You find your own way to deal with it; but never try to fix it for your DH, it won't work. It is rough and some marriages don't survive a child's death; but our marriage did survive and my ex was never a part of it.

Time will help, but be prepared for your life to be changed and go in a different direction forever; you can help make it better, but you have no control over grief.

((((hugs))))

We lost my brother when he was 20. My parents had been divorced for 17 years. I saw them sit down together, with their spouses there, to plan the arrangements. There was no consoling between the two of them despite them both being my brother's parents; they were divorced. They had other people to console them.

Op, I would tell your DH that you want him to lean on you and while you have not experienced it personally, you are there for him in good times and bad. Check to see if you have a local chapter of Compassionate Friends. People are understandably lost when face with this sudden loss.

Unfortunately events like this can expose other problems. My mother divorced my stepfather a few years later because his lack of caring and support during an awful time. If your DH continues to lean on his previous spouse rather than his current one, you may need to eventually address your marriage in addition to the loss of SS.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you two heal so that you are able to enjoy life again.

Dealing with the loss of a family member can be devastating. But when someone takes their own life it is even worse. People feel like they could have done something to help. Or they should have known they needed help. Your husband has a process he needs to go through to deal with this. I am sure this is hard on you and you want to be his soft shoulder to land on. I have dealt with death before and everyone handles things differently. It does get better with time. Give your husband time to heal and know that this is not in your hands to fix. I am so very sorry for your loss.

i am very sorry about this. you must have very mixed feelings on this.

people time time to grieve especailly those how put too much of their lives into their children. losing parents is painful but losing a child can be worse.

Your hubby and his ex are grieving together the loss of their adult child. Only they can recall all the tings in his early life. IMHO, that is quite normal.

Don't feel hurt, just be there for him when he is ready to talk about things.

The death of a child, regardless of age, is tramatic to bio-parents. When it is suicide it is even worse because there is always the guilt of could it have been stopped, why didn't they see the signs, etc. Tragic as suicide is, the true victims, IMO, are those that are still living. Not only are they left to mourn, but to wonder.