New SM needs help
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I can't understand why my SS who is 15 tries to bring up the past of what his mother did and father did together. Whenever we talk about stuff we did or are going to do whether it is just his dad and I or all of us together he brings up what they did or says remember when we went there and mom did this or did that. Why is this? Should I let it upset me. We have custody of the kids and they visit her. It seems to upset me and we really get along great but I can't understand why he would do this in front of me all the time.
Gana -
Try not to let it get to you, but see if you and DH can steer the conversation in another direction. I honestly can't tell if SS is trying to get a rise out of you, or "stake his claim" about his mom and dad together, or is just being wistful. I get it... I have had SD reference things in her past with BM and DH and of course it can make you get a tweak of jealousy or whatever. But try not to let it get to you. Has it been going on long? Or just recently? You may want to have DH say something to SS about your feelings. But in my own experience we just ignored it. It's a part of their past and whether I like it or not, I'm not going to take it away from them by fighting about it, or making snide comments about it, or making it be off limits and therefore even more "sacred". By ignoring it and creating our own memories the other stuff seems to fade away. Recently, my SD wrote a poem about a photo of her, her mom and her dad at the beach together when she was 3. When she showed me the photo the poem was about, I felt a tweak in my stomach of ... I can't even tell you what. The photo was 12 years old!!
So I just said, oh it's a beautiful poem and that's a really nice picture - you look cute. And let it go. The poem was questioning things about her mom and dad... they looked happy, but were they? Maybe this is your SS trying to come to grips with the fact that his mom and dad were happy and are not together anymore. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you... it just means he's trying to reconcile it all in his head. Does this make any sense at all??
Stick
This makes a lot of sense to me. I just wasnt' sure if the BM was starting stuff or not. Because sometimes the boys come home and say that oh my mom said my dad and her did this or they did that and I just thought that with him being 15 he wouldn't do that in front of me. It seems lately it happens more but hasn't happen in the beginning when she had a boyfriend now she is not with anyone. Sometimes I think she tries to make the kids feel guilty that they are having a good time with us. Like you said, I should just create my own memories but sometimes I get mad at my DH because of what my SS says because I know or think it is coming from the BM. My DH doesn't agree with my SS when he says remember when you and mom did this, he just ignores it and changes the subject. I get mad at him cause I can't understand why my SS does this? Is there really anything to change or make me feel better about the situation? I really don't mind if my SS talks about his mom and him but not his mom and my DH.
Gana
Well, if it's coming from BM, then she will stop eventually or run out of stories to tell!! As far as your DH, he's actually trying to stop the behavior by saying "I don't know" and changing the subject! So try not to get mad at him, because he's not going down that road with your SS. When I have jealousy issues, what has worked for me in the past is to fight them head on, but also to realize that they were my issues, not others'. So, when I went to DH's house a few years ago and his mom was cleaning out the photos and she pulled DH and BM's little wedding parents' album out .... She did it to give it to SD. I DIDN'T LIKE seeing those photos. I DIDN'T LIKE it. BUT... I realized that it's me... it's my issue. Mom in law was there, DH was there, and it was SD's parents. It was a nice memento to give to SD. The only person that felt anything strong about it was ME and SD - my jealousy and her joy in being able to look at something NICE for a change with her mom and dad. (Well, DH wasn't too comfortable, but he was worried about my feelings... just like your DH seems to be.) Don't forget... these kids see their parents EVERY DAY not living together, not a couple, not happy together. So I think it gives them comfort when they can look back to something that makes them think their parents actually liked each other!! Try not to let that stuff have power over you. It's giving jealousy power. And yes, feel better about the situation that if your BM is manipulating the boys, eventually they will figure it out and not like it. Also, when SS starts saying that BM did this with DH, or BM remembers this with DH, I think it would be WONDERFUL if you could chime in... Oh yeah, I remember when DH did this or said this with me, and make it funny BUT RELATED to the original story. Then you are just storytelling and who knows... SS may ask you questions about times with DH that he doesn't know about. Good luck... I hope this works for you!!
Stick
Thanks for helping me..If I need any advice I will write to you..Thanks for listening..sometimes it is always better to hear it from an outsider than someone in your own family.
Let him ramble.
I'd not put too much stock in what the kid says. Either he's just having pleasent memories and likes to talk or he's working through his parents divorce. Perhaps he's even trying, in his own way, to make sure you understand that you can't replace his mom.
But then you don't want to anyway do you? With any of those scenarios its best that you let him go on. In fact support him. Common he's a kid. When he tell about that canoe trip your only comment need be "That sounds like you had a great time" or 'I've always wanted to do that". Anything positive about it or at best neutral.
From what you've described I think you're being too sensitive.
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There's an exception to everything I say.