There is no such thing as a "Bonus Mom" so change your title.

Very few step families are the brady bunch, if ever.

These shit skids will wait for any opportunity to find fault with you, and they did. You awful mean mean SM, sarcasm here. Geez its not like he had a heart attack and you posted on social media before telling the brady bunch.  This just shows you that bonus is not the case here, they are anything but.

Dang it I hope your DH set those shit heads straight about their overly dramatic hurtful reaction.

Welcome. Yeah, I prefer a "bonus" that enhances my life.  You won't find anyone on here referring to stepkids as bonus kids, even those who get along with theirs.  I get along with mine, but my life would have been better if he didn't exist. 

I'd send them each an apology and then disengage. An apology along the lines, of "Sorry if you felt left out, that was not my intention", or something of that sort.  I know people will say you don't need to, but it would be my style to do so. Then stop doing anything for them that you have done in the past, including notifying them of anything. Unfriend them on Facebook and other social media, and grieve the loss of the life you thought you had.  I hope your husband is at least taking a strong stance with them. 

9 years is a REALLY long time to hide their true feelings. In a group that size his 3, not yours), there is typically a "ring leader" of thepack, and the rest just follow along. I suspect this is the case.

However, if I were YOU, I would quietly disengage and focus ALL your attention on YOUR bios. I unfortunately have no bios. But I know and understand that my skids are NOT my bonus children, and they will ALWAYS be loyal to their mother who hates me, is very toxic and re-writes the truth. 

ALSO, you are now released from any and all obligation to alert them to ANYTHING to do with their father from here on out. How you express things on FB or any other social media is all up to you. If their father does anything, it is now up to him to contact them about it. I disagree with them - you never were required. 

And as to the grands? No obligation to buy for them or do for them. Grieve the loss, but take that loving nurturing energy and focus it on your bios and grands.

Sorry this happened to you.

Our BM, Toxic Troll and her daughter SD21 Feral Forger both hate me. I have a really positive relationship with Munchkin SD14, but shes told her mother personal and private things previously, so I know that she is not to be trusted.

Sorry that this happened to you!  What a bunch of mean jerks!  It’s wasn’t anything you did- the FB thing is an excuse to let it rip on you for their issues.  I would back away completely, totally, and forever. No fanfare, no declarations, no drama.  You need to talk to your husband and ask how he is planning on managing his relationship with his kids going forward.  Let him know that you are shocked after all the nice stuff you did - but are fine with their decision.  The step-granddaughter is a loss - sorry about that.   Many of us have found out the hard way that being a stepmother does not make you family - despite occasional appearances to the contrary.  Polite and friendly distance is the best way to go in the long haul.   The risk of backlash is always present.   The reality is we are “dad’s wife” period.   I can understand how painful and bewildering this feels - but you have no control over these people.  Give yourself time to heal.  

They were just waiting to ambush you. It would have happened sooner or later.

So now it's clear that your DH is responsible for the relationship with his kids, not you. He does the emotional work, buys the gifts, contacts them. You put them on ignore.

And move on. You didn't have the relationship you thought you have, but now that you know you can move through grief to acceptance.

Before DH and I were even married, my SD was upset that I bought a car without telling her about it. WTF? It's about control and I just don't play that game. My life is less complicated because of it.

I don't remember the exact wording, but one of the symptoms of alienation is:

"Minor slights that would be easily forgiven/overlooked in a good-faith relationship are blown way out of proportion"

It looks like they were looking for any excuse to find fault with you.  Any woman in your position would have had the same issue.  Ignore them and let their dad deal with them.  Don't do them any favors or spend any money on them, just be polite.  If they don't want to compromise, they don't get the perks.

and a ridiculous one at that but at least they showed your their true colors.

Look up 'grey rock' here and elsewhere and that's how I'd proceed with them.  Be polite but share nothing of your life.

If possible, consider setting up a private FB group with only trusted friends/family to post updates to, and that way these brats won't have any information to use as ammunition.  I only post sparingly on my public FB (2x a year?) but otherwise have a private FB group of cousins, friends that I post to.  Toxic SD23 Bratty McBratFace can't see anything I post in that group but there is no drama with 'unfriending' her either.

So flip the script on them? Do they call their dad every time they go to the doctor or hit a parked car or get a hangnail? If the answer is no then all they were looking for was the right excuse to use against you.

So sorry this has happened to you, most especially because you did not know there were any underlying problems.  I have also been married for 9 years, my skids are now young adults, well the last one will be 18 soon.  I have had no illusions that we are one big happy family, my SD stb 18 has made it very clear that we are not for years now, and that it is all *our* fault.  When she was young I think things really were ok and that she was happy that I joined the family, but as she got older and started having her own opinions and expecting things her way, the simplest solution for her was to villianize her dad and myself.  BM has been behind the scenes supporting that, she is nice to our faces and pretends she wants SD to have a relationship with DH, but she has also greatly undermined DH and the way we run our home.                     

  I would not take this personally, even though I know it's really, really hard not to.  I think it is a common happening in divorced families where kids choose a "side",  one against the other and they go with the side that they find the most benefit in.    I feel like part of it in our case is that SD enjoys being the "victim", poor SD with her absent father and stepmother who didn't want her here.  Nothing is further from the truth (although I admit I didn't want her nasty attitude and inconsideration here).  I think we all find what we look for, if a child has created a narrative in their mind that they are getting benefit in some way, they will find things to support it.   

I felt terrible guilt for a long time about how bad things have been with both mine and DH's relationship with SD, because I know I did not do everything perfectly.  But things clicked with me in December when she called my husband late at night to scream and curse at him for not inviting her to my son's birthday "party".  1) she does not communicate with my son unless they are in front of each other, "maybe", and has never acknowledged or attended for his birthday and 2) we didn't have a party, we literally ordered pizza and played games -just myself, DH, my son, SS who was staying here on school break, and SS's girlfriend who he invited without asking us.   I would bet money she would not have come if asked, but SS must have mentioned we were going to do that and she used it as a golden opportunity to pounce.  What lspofacto said above about one of the symptoms of alienation is spot on to me. If you love someone and genuinely want a relationship you do not react in this way to things that would be a non issue to most people.

Hang in there.   I hope that the parent of your granddaughter at least will come to their senses so you can continue to maintain your relationship with her.  

Block them on FB, any other social media, and block their phone numbers. Talk with your DH, explain to him where you stand on this from here on out. Let your DH know that he is more than welcome to contact and see his azzhole kids any time, but they are to never step foot in your house again. They are adult, not 5 year olds, spouting "I hate Her" these are adults that were looking for any excuse to ambush you. Don't ever let your guard down thinking that they are being nice again and everything is fine. This is just another game for them to get what they want, a reaction from you. 

I know your hurting right now, but just think of the savings $$ of not having to purchase any holiday gifts for any of them or their offspring. No more holiday parties at your house, absolutely nothing.That is no longer on your list of things to do. If your DH doesn't have your back in this issue and you share finances with your DH, inform him, ANY money that he spends on them, you will remove the same amount from the account and place it in a private account that is in your name only.

They showed their true colors and now the gloves are off. When the holiday's come around, let your DH know that you expect him to spend time with you, and not all of it with his brats. 100% disengage from them, but keep an eye on your DH, as he might try to gaslight you into thinking that everything will be fine, if you bend or try to talk with the azzholes. Do Not Bend, this will only bring you more heartache.

Holiday shopping is on your DH, do not help him one bit with this, if he doesn't getting it done that's on him. If he does the shopping, find out the amount and put that amount into your private account. You will be surprised on here, how many  have separated finances, separate bank account or a hidden account that DH's is not aware of. Some use the hidden account to save money for an exit plan, if needed. 

"excuse" to oust you from their lives.

Don't try to extend the olive branch and make peace. It will not be fruitful, and you will be further disappointed, and feel defeated.

You said they've tolerated you, and your DH has most likely known this. I know my DH told me recently the thing he sired has told him he needs to leave me for years now. This is the first I've "officially" heard of it, but she's been dripping her poison in his ear for a long time. She was able to run off the last 2 spouses, so she thought she could do it again, I suppose. She's obviously threatened by me and jealous of me. This is the conclusion 3 independent counselors have reached, anyway. My point is, what seems like "news" to us, is really often times a hidden agenda that we are not allowed to know about. They bond over their dysfunction. It sounds sick, because, well, it IS SICK. 

As terrible as it seems/is right now, it may just be a blessing in disguise. Let it be your segue into disengagement. What seemed like my worst moment with SD when she chose to go berzerk on me while DH stood by and did NOTHING, actually worked in my favor. He saw her true colors and  for the POS she is, with HIS OWN EYES. I was able to distance myself using her nastiness in my favor. 

As for the grandchild, always remember, as painful as it may be emotionally, your DH is a grandfather, and you are merely his wife, not gramma to SK's kids. It's sad to think of compartmentalizing your relationship, but self-preservation is the goal.

Thinking of you!

I always try to post responses without reading what others have written. When I go back to read the other responses, I'm usually fascinated that so much of it is similar. 

Having read those before mine, I would 2nd the notion that you are relieved of your duties. No more birthday reminders, gift shopping, cards at Christmas or whatever else you  might have done. You have been relieved of those duties. Additionally, my DH almost died in an accident this last year. He was in ICU for a week. I never once felt the need to contact any of his brats. Once SD yelled that I wasn't "family" I took that to mean, neither is she. Therefore, (and after visiting with my clergy person)  I'm under zero obligation to inform them of any illnessess, surgeries, or even death. Why do they get to be in the know? I'm not "family" and they are not "family" to me. In reality, everything has been pre-planned in the event of his death, and the wife makes any and all other  decisions that must be made.

I'm done.

Stepparents are seen as a convenient scapegoat for any skid/bio parent issues & dysfunction. Plenty of times they never have the balls to say it to your face but make those cheap digs and comments directed at you, often never having the guts to say it to bio parent.

for adults, they seem so friggin immature. My parents divorced 20 yrs ago, they never remarried and when i was living o/seas and my dad had to go to hospital because he felt something was wrong with him (uncontrollable vomiting for a week) i flew overnight and messaged my brother who ignored my message

his close friend from o/seas whom my husbands friend is neighbours with, actually messaged my brother telling him your dad was rushed to hospital for an operation and you need to check in on him because your sister is getting no response from you

my brother ignored and chucked a hissy fit to my husband claimibg all kinds of petty lies him and his wife invented about me. People can and are arseholes but instead of taking ownership of that, its much easier to blame people.

you apologised because you realized it might have been insensitive and inappropriate to post on social media even though it was no biggie, to grovel to them out of desparation i would refuse. They're just being shi*heads

When an un trained animal pees in the wrong place you rub their nose in the spot, swat them on the rump, and toss them outside. These ill behaved hateful POS adults are no more important than an animal with a peeing problem so do not treat them any differently.  Rub their noses in their toxic shit, swat them on the rump, and toss them out of your life.  This disrespectful crap should make them a collective write off to their father too.  Any adult who would be disrespectful to his wife should have no place in his life other than having him grab them by the scruff of the neck and rub their noses in the stank of their rude existence.  Lather............... rinse............ repeat until they gain clarity, grow up, apologize to you and to their father, and change their toxic ways.  See how they like being completely ostracised from the family. Including from their father.

Until then.............. enjoy rubbing their noses in the stinky crap of the their shit lives.

smh

Have fun doing it.

I hope to take all of the advice given you and absolve yourself of any guilt you may feel. 

You have been gaslighted. SKs took advantage of an opportunity to make their true feelings known, while attempting to make you the villain. This is their way of trying to maintain their innocence in their fathers eyes. 

I read a book that helped explain what I already knew, but put it in simple terms. Ask yourself this question "Would 90% of people behave this way?" If the answer is no, then you are dealing with a toxic person. 

The behavior is always subtle at first, that's why you have to learn to recognize it and establish boundaries to protect yourself.

So ask yourself, would 90% of the people end a 9 year relationship over a misunderstanding?  The answer is no. This behavior is not normal.  Unfortunately in stepworld this behavior seems normal because it is so common. But it isn't. 

I just couldn't add mom to bonus....ugggggh!

You have received some great advice and wisdom here. It is absolutely accurate that it was only a matter of time that one simple thing would hair trigger these people. They have played all along and already knew how this would finally play out.

As in my situation, I would bet my life on there being just one in the venomous drivers seat...all other good little followers eventually fall into line. Trust that this particular driver has been talking s*** about you all along. Something was finally found to blow out of proportion to get the others in sync.

Just be done with these people, you have apologized, nothing more for you to do. If you allow it, they will reel the both of you in and out so many times you will die of exhaustion. This is how it works with people like this. You have nothing to feel bad about. Save yourself and spare the rest of your family.

It is important for your future that your husband communicate his displeasure with their disrespectful behavior and set clear boundaries with them that it will not be tolerated. Your husband can then, in a respectful way to you and your marriage, proceed with his adult poisons. Just be done with them...this is most definitely his baggage to deal with. There is nothing more for you to do!

Live well!

You have been given lots of great advice, and you yourself have already posted what you know you need to do: "accept this quietly and disengage."

Don't make any grand pronouncements, including to your DH. Just tell him that from now on, it is up to him to manage his relationship and communications with his adult children.  Then just ... stop.

Stop communicating with them. Stop social media with them. Stop thinking they will come around. Stop thinking you have a 2-year old grandchild because you don't - your husband does. Stop making any holiday plans that include his kids; focus on your own. If that means that you and DH spend holidays solely with your own kids, so be it.  Yes, it is hard when you must separate and divide things like this but it is easier than trying to pretend that nothing is wrong and you are all the Brady Bunch.

The Brady Bunch is fiction. This is reality.

The reality is that these skids have shown you their true colors which are black and white. Meaning, in their eyes you are not their mother, you are not a grandmother and you are not your husband's actual wife. Who needs that?  Take off your rose-colored glasses and see the world in black and white just like they do. 

They are not your kids. They are not your grandkids. Thus, you are not required to have any relationship with them. Let your DH manage his kids. 

BTW, the 2-year old may be precious to you now but you MUST understand that your relationship with her will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be driven by whatever relationship her mother/father has with you. If the adult skid "hates" you, don't you think the child will eventually feel this way too?

Do NOT invest a decade or more in a relationship with this child without expecting that some day she will also tell you she "hates" you,  Get your heart out of it now. 

P.S. Make sure you and your DH have all your finances, will/medical directive, inheritances, etc. fully legalized and updated. These kinds of skids will make your life agony if things aren't spelled out completely. 

Apologising to narcissists only give them fuel. Treat them now as you would treat ANY OTHER ADULT who treated you like that...bye bye.

If your hubby won't defend you to them they will think he is on their side and approving of their treatment of you.

That  was just an excuse to blow on you. If it was  major I'm  sure you wouldn't  post it on FB. Some people find posting on FB and not a phone call a cool way of informing people something has happened. Like a death or major illness. I wouldn't say a fender bender is one of those things though. 

Years ago. ( I am / was a stepmother  for 15 years to a rotten SS now 22, who  I felt I did everything in my power to help), a counselor told me that my role was never really defined and that by that time , ( he was about 15 at the time), it was likely too late to establish myself in my own home and in my own life where he was concerned. I will be honest, I allowed it and allowed my DH to relegate me to a sort of , " joke". His kids never called me  " Mom" and referred to me as their Stepmother  to others. The extra Mom thing  is truly a way of  not  totally accepting you even if they say they do. You are not a spare or bonus anything.  You are a Mother in your own right and have a name and a place after so much time. I am not a bio mom. It was not in the cards and at 52, I never thought I'd  be happy  about that. I am. 

If all it took was a FB post to cut you off then there wasn't  much between  you  and exile from them anyway. 

Time for husband to step in with them. Treat them as any adult who was acting like a petulant  child with you in your daily life because today it's a FB post, tomorrow it's  a perceived snub or some other minor crazy making thing. 

You  do not  need this from adult  children and if one holds a grandchild over your head then they need to come up with a more novel weapon  because it is the oldest trick in the book.

My own experience was not as good as yours sounds and I only speak from my own experience. But if you cave to this, it gets worse. 

My deal is... I have done all I will at this point. Name it. I did it to the total disappearance of my own life to help this kid. He is a manipulator.. there is usually one ring leader. I am sure there is one in your situation  too. He uses drugs... pills mostly, has issues with jobs and the law that he has had years of counseling for that he resents.  It is never  ever enough, but what is enough is when he became physical  with me  as an adult because I don't,  " Mean anything". ). 

My DH can have a relationship with his son all he likes but his son does not have the right to keep coming into my world and rocking it and he won't. Not at 22. 

Recently,  I had an emergency  appendectomy,. We all would like to believe we do things selflessly,  but it's  not so. Having survived sepsis, and Covid at  the same time  with not so much as a text from his son after 15 of his 22 years of nothing but BS,  I know exactly who I am.  You have to ask yourself if that is who you might be. 

 To SOME informing of a situation  , even a well wish on FB or news... would have meant the world.  At one time in life it would have to me. Do you hold on for scraps only left over for a bonus  Mom to have?

They expect your undivided attention to call each of them individually? You didn't  have to inform them at all! They can appreciate that they were informed at all.  They are old enough to tell eachother ,"Dad had a fender bender ". 

Haven't  they had that already? Your undivided attention?

They are grown. Your marriage is what is front and center to your life now. Maybe they don't  quite like or get that. 

I hope they get over themselves and this was a one off  thing.

My very best to you. 

Time to evaluate who you really are  in this puzzle.  One thing for certain you ARE a WIFE  and  MOTHER first. You are never ever a bonus ; to me that sounds like nice way of saying spare  or someone who can give when everyone else says no or even a buffer  to get DH to say yes...

A lot of good advice.  Drop the bonus word and know you did NOTHING wrong.   I would ignore them and let them come to their senses.

 I think this may be a ye olde hit and run.

I have not read all the responses so excuse me if I reiterate what was said.

Better to disengage and never expect anything in return. The SD's will find fault with you breathing, so please do not waste your effort in trying to keep the peace.

Looks like the OP pulled a drive bye. At least on this thread.