did you own the house as husband and wife? if yes, it is yours entirely and they can do absolutely NOTHING about it.

i am sorry for your loss, but these leaches are making your life worse. look out for you. not them.

Wow. I am really sorry you lost your partner, and worse, that at a time those kids should be rallying to you after being with their dad for over 20 years they're doing the exact opposite. Money really is an evil thing sometimes.

Don't give in to them. At this point they're only thinking of themselves, and you can't let grief weaken your resolve because you have to think of YOURSELF. Apparently nobody is else going to...

Hang in there. Love floating your way from Texas

I am so sorry for your loss. My 1st husband died with no will. Thankfully, my house was in my name only. A precaution we did because he had had a few transplants and knew I would survive him.

My advice having dealt with all of the grief you are feeling. Right now, you should not make any decisions of significance. Wait at a minimum of a year. I firmly believe three. I still grieve for him and it has been 8 years.

Stay away from the kids. You may say or do the wrong thing and they will fight it in court. Even if you would win, it will take a drain emotionally and financially. They are mad now, they had a bad relationship and now are feeling guilty and behaving badly. Death brings out the worst in people. I had a fight with In-laws that I loved at the funeral in front of the casket. My therapist said I had to stay away from them and grieve on my own in my way. Whatever way that was.

Take it easy, lean on your son and stay away from his and you will get through this. Right now you are overwhelmed with the grief. I recommend a massage. I went to a spa for a few days about 3 months after and that helped drastically. It is called touch therapy and is a common need in widows. Take care...Check in and let us know how you are doing.

You are an amazing woman. You have built a life, a business, a marriage, raised a son. You have burried your mother and your husband in less than 6mos.

Do not let your Skids take YOUR resources that you an YOUR HUSBAND built together. The Skids will either work through their grief and guilt or they won't. That is on them not on you.

Give yourself some time to grieve and you will come out of this just fine.

My prayers and best wishes are with you.

Best regards.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that the issue when you are dealing with adult children and the issue of assets after death is not just an issue that is just a step-parent issue.

I had a dear friend who had lost her husband and then her two children (both from an intact family) decided to come after her for what they thought was thiers. Her daughter came right after the funeral for the dad's possesions, and she sold the house to help the son out. I felt so sorry for her.

Even after my ex's grandmother dies, there were the kids (with the exception of my MIL and his aunt) just pawing for her things. My MIL just wanted things of sentimental value. Some momentoes - such as a teddy bear that her mother really loved.

But in your situation, you were his wife, and his children will make their own way in the world. Hopefully they were able to enjoy him while he was still alive. If not, that is what they should miss the most, not his things.

I too am sorry for your loss. I lost my second husband on June 8, 2002 to a heart attack. He had been diagnosed with diabetes 3 yrs prior but supposedly his heart was okay according to his doctor at his last check up (2 months prior). He had his heart attack at our home and the EMTs took him to the hospital. I called his adult kids on the way out the door but he was declared dead by the time I arrived there. One of his daughters made it back to my home before I did and had told my kids who were at the house (minors at the time) that she wanted to see where it happened and they let her in. She grabbed his wallet, keys and quickly left. By the time I made it home several hours later, there was a U-Haul truck and all of his daughters were there with their friends emptying out the garage. He loved working on cars and had over $50,000 worth of tools, everything from basic tools to air compressors and hydraulic lifts. They had also removed his cars plus one of mine, he had my key on his key ring. The only thing I got back was my car even though I could have fought to get everything else back, it just wasn't worth the stress. It was more important to help my kids through the loss as they were closer to him than their own father and they were having a very difficult time. I believe because of the stress, it delayed the healing process for myself but eventually I was able to move on. I parallel you in the sense that I too was in a home that I was not able to keep up on just my income. I held onto it until October 2008 and finally got out from under it. In the long run, I believe that move was the best thing for all of us and pushed me into the final steps to totally move on...literally and figuratively! My suggestion is take the time you need to make any big decisions but don't allow anymore stress in your life, such as his kids if they're going to be a$$e$! My SDs caused so much trouble, the above was just the beginning. Since their dad had co-signed on loans for his kids, they made sure all the utilities which were in his name were turned off, "In the interest of protecting his credit"! Of course they stopped making payments on those thinking I would be responsible. That was a battle I did fight and was able to win. Here's the kicker...he had a life insurance policy from when he was married to his ex and she received $25K. Later they found out that he "HAD" one naming me as the beneficiary for $100K. They didn't know that it had lapsed though. They thought that I had received the money and had their aunt, my SIL who I had gotten along well with, call me to yell and scream that his daughters could really use some of that $100K and that the morally correct thing for me to do would be to split it evenly among the 5 of us. None of them ever did believe me that there wasn't any $. Months and years down the road whenever they would come around to visit, they made a point to comment on any of my purchases, such as furniture, my new car (which I paid for) or my kids cars which they paid for W/O anyone co-signing for them! Sorry for this being so long. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to send me a message. Hang in there and as tough as it seems right now, you WILL get through this difficult time.

As sad at it is, yes, if you think your adult SKs would behave the same, I definitely would arrange for a neighbor to protect your property. Think of how that conversation would go: “Hi good neighbor, my husband is on the way to the hospital and may be dying or already dead. Wanna come over and watch my house and make sure his kids don’t start carting stuff out of here? Really appreciate that…oh, and bring your guns if you want and shoot on sight if necessary. Thanks bunches!” :?
I did call the cops that day and by the time they got there, most of the stuff (most expensive went out first apparently) had already been removed. With the exception of my car, I was told everything else would have to be handled in court. Even the cops there were stunned to learn that it had only been that morning when the death took place and had made some appropriate negative comments to them. I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised…when my husband’s mom died years before, my SIL did the same thing and cleaned out her house…MIL collected antiques and the house was cleared the same day she died. All this was before I met my husband and his attitude when he told me about it was that it wasn’t worth the destruction of family but it also showed him what his sister was truly made of.
I knew from the get that the oldest daughter (the one that was not my husband’s daughter but she was half sis to his girls) was the one who led everything. I also knew that my husband would have wanted his son-in-law to have most of the mechanic’s stuff and the cars to be distributed to his and my kids that were of driving age. It was just the manner in which they did it, as if I was going to be greedy. I guess it is kind of like the spouse who accuses the other spouse of cheating, when the one doing the accusing is the one actually cheating! :O

They are adults, you are his wife and though I'm not a lawyer I can't imagine they would have any right to remove you from your home so they can have a part of it.

Unbelievable what happens to families over money and inheritance. Consult a lawyer, but if he left nothing to them, you owe them nothing.

Thanks. We do learn from our own and others mistakes though. I notice that most everyone that has made preparations are those that have a husband who is much older. I am yet again in a relatinship with an older man (him 65, me 48) and the biggest thing to remember is to not assume you'll out live your husband and make sure your interests are protected as well.

FarmGirl - I hope you come back and check in. I've been on both sides of the fence - I hope I can maybe help a little. I have an adult SD who hates me, but that is another story....
I was also an adult step-child. My dad divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage - about a year later, he met a woman (that I liked), moved in with her, and married her four years later. Let me just say, I would have killed for a step-mom like you. I was my dad's only bio child, he parented my half-brother (who always called him Dad) since the age of 10. My brother had 2 kids (who always called him Grandpa) and I had one son - age 5 when dad met my step-mom. My SM had 7 kids and 27 grandkids. They became my father's life, and he dropped us like a hot potatoe. I used to think nothing could ever come between me and my dad. I was wrong. My little boy said to me shortly after they got together - Mommy, why doesn't Grandpa come and play hockey with me in the morning - doesn't he love me anymore?" (My dad used to drop in daily). Now, I never expected that things would stay the same. But my dad made her and her family his life. We perhaps saw him once every 3 months or so. In ten years, we never had an invite for dinner on our own - always as part of a group, and then only maybe four times. We had them over many times. I talked to both of them - even took her out for tea asking if she could convince my dad to spend the occasional day with us, just drop in for coffee. I begged, pleaded, and finally learned to accept the situation.
Four years this July, my dad passed away. She watched him get so sick with pneumonia he was alternately wrapping himself up in a winter coat to stay warm, and jumping in their pool to stay cool. And never called the ambulance, until he finally could not get out of bed. I was never contacted, until he was in ICU with double pneumonia. At the time, I did not blame her. But my dad never should have passed away. I thank God that I had an hour with him alone before he relapsed (she did not even call me when he was put back into ICU at 2am. By the time I was called and got to the hospital, he was on a ventilator and couldn't talk.) During that time, I got to say "I love you" and he said "I love you too Sammy". I have tried to stay in contact with my step-mom since dad passed, but she doesn't return my phone calls nor replies to notes I leave at the house when I drop over. I respect that perhaps she simply wants to move on with her own large family.
When I started having real problems with my step-daughter, I bought the book "Step Wars". If you haven't read it, go out and buy it and do so. It gave me so much perspective on both sides of the issue - I wish I had read it when my dad was alive. There are things I would have done differently. It might help you understand some of the emotions the Skids are experiencing.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. And the sense of betrayal can go both ways. Money can be a huge issue. In my case, I never expected anything from my dad. I always hoped he would spend it all and enjoy it before he died. A month before he passed, the suject of inheritance came up, and I said to my dad - I only want the ceramic dog and chess set I made you, the quilt I made you, the navy clock, grandpa's owl, and the old rock from the farm. These were six items that had a huge sentimental value to me. My brother was expecting what had been promised to us long ago. Long story short - we were not even mentioned in the will. Not even to say "I leave my love to my children". Ever dollar my dad had had been poured into her house (he sold his to move in with her). My brother was devastated that we were so dismissed from his life. Money was never an issue. If he had left us some small token, it would not have hurt. But it was like we had not existed. So perhaps his children are feeling like this. Was inheritance ever discussed? I can understand if you feel it should never have been an issue in that you built everything from the ground up together, unlike my dad's situation where households were blended. Even so, inheritance should be discussed. I read after the fact that children should not be surprised after the fact and parents should make clear their intent. Sad to say, in my case, my stepmom did not want me to have anything my dad promised me. I clenched my teeth and worked it through by talking with her children, and eventually obtained most of the items I wanted, although she held onto a couple, telling me that I would get them when she passes away. Well, four years later, and now I hear she is dating someone else. She is 80 by the way.....
Anyways, at this point, perhaps it would go a long way with your Skids if you were to go through their father's effects and pick out some items that you feel would have sentimental value to them as their father, and offer to pass them along to them. (I mean, look at me - I was sentimentally attached to a stupid piece of petrified wood that belonged to my great-grandpa that my dad and I found on the old family farm together.....) The children from his first marriage are no doubt feeling a huge loss. I don't know if their mother is still around, but I know, even though my mom and dad were at odds in the last 10 years, it was my mom's shoulder I wanted to cry on when I lost my dad. But then again.....we had 40 years of wonderful memories together. I guess maybe when it comes down to it, the length of time together is irrelevant to the kids. They still hold the memory of "mom and dad" as a family unit sacred. I don't mean that I felt either of my parents were blameless in their divorce, because they weren't. But the memories of our youth are powerful ones. His children had 12 years with your DH, in their formative years. They have memories that don't involve you, which make it harder to turn to you with your mutual loss. I don't know if I'm making any sense here?? or just rambling. But I do know, that the memory of mom and dad together is hard to give up on. Even my step-daughter (now 25) who was 3 when her parents separated (and likely can't even remember them together) cherishes the picture from her wedding of her with her mom and dad - Facebook comment from her on that photo - I love love love this picture. And I understand that as a step-daughter myself.
Anyways, my best advice to you is do not feel guilty in any way, shape or form, my dear. From what I've read, you sound like you went out of your way as a step-mom and have nothing to regret. You and your DH built your equity together - that does NOT belong to anyone but you and your son. It hardly equates to my situation where the equity of one home was put into the other. It would be nice to think that perhaps my brother and I would be remembered when she passes away, but I doubt it. I have my small tokens and my memories of my dad, that is what matters to me. More importantly to me is my dad travelled and enjoyed his life before he passed away. All you can do at this point is to generously offer to share things which they may hold dear. But at your choice, not theirs. And if they accept graciously, that's great - if not, at least you can rest knowing that you tried to sooth the ruffled feathers.
Sorry this post is so long, but like many of our stories, they have many complex layers. Hope no one kick me off the board for my lenghty epistles in the last couple of days.

And last of all, my deepest condolences to you in your loss. You are lucky to have a loving son who is supportive of you. Take time to figure out what you want, and don't let anyone pressure you into something you are not ready for. (((hugs)))

My first husband also died without a will and left a 20 y.o. sd. Aww, what a horrible time that was. We had been married about 10 years and yes, my sd thought she was entitled to everything. Two days after he died she went to the courthouse to look up what property he owned and whose name it was in. I know she was mighty disappointed to learn it was in both our names which meant it went automatically to me. My first husband was also a craftsman and had handmade some clocks when he was younger (yes, before he met me)-he made several and one was left in the possession of sd's bm-he gave one to his brother who eventually gave it back during our marriage and it was placed in our home for many years. SD demanded that I give it to her. Said that he made those at a time when he was with her bm-I'm like, So? She was upset because bm's was "stolen". Besides the property disputes, my fave was when her bm gave MY Dad the finger at the funeral. Classy, right? She also confronted me at the funeral, came by the house and oonfronted me numerous times, etc-finally I just changed my phone number and stopped all contact with her. That's been 10 years ago. Sorry that you are going thru this.

Im so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your DH built a good life together.

I think you need to give yourself some time. Thru the years you devoted so much time to your family. It time to take care of you.

You are right, the stepkids have their own guilt to deal with. The absolute inconsideration that they think you should sell the farm and split the money to them is absurd. That is your farm and when you choose to sell or not ,they are not entitled to a dime. How dare them.
It seems like you really tried to hold the family together, but at this point it is time to let go.

First, I am sorry for your loss (((hugs)))
the topic of this post caught my attention because it's something I fear will happen to me - the subject came up via the ss and his out of nowhere comments - "hey dad, when you die i want all those tools" (after a trip to the extra fridge in the garage to get his 6th soda in 2hrs) - ??? half of those tools I came to this marriage with! this is not the first time he's said he wants something after his father dies - i looked at my dh and said "chit...i didn't know you were ill?"

I know if my dh died my skids would have me out of the house in no time,this is one of my big fears.

I lost my husband 3-1/2 years ago. He had two adult children from his first marriage. I had been in their life for more than a dozen years. I was his sole caregiver throughout his illness. Toward the end, they would come around and act like they were helping, but not really. Each has had problems and lived with me at some point. One has pretty much cut off contact. The other occasionally keeps in touch, mostly when she needs something. It took me awhile to be ok with this. Neither has ever offered to help me, not even dogsit or anything else. I still get questions as to why their Dad didn't have a will or why they weren't left anything. I explained that we had everything set-up the way they wanted and if he wanted it differently, he would have made it so. Everything we had was from BOTH of us working. Neither of us had anything when we married. He was in serious debt from his first marriage and I was in school loan debt. We pulled it out, started our own business, and alternately did well and lost most everything. Long before he ever became sick we set the estate up the way we wanted, including right of survivorship. He felt whatever we had was to take care of me when he was gone, and it was up to me to do right by his kids when and if I thought it was appropriate. I paid for school, I made sure they have a place to live, and I'll be a Grandmother if they choose to keep me in their life. I told them early on they were welcome to the house if they assumed the debt and they've never asked about that again. Then I told them the bond between a man and wife were sacred, and they had no business butting in. So, that's mostly ended that except the criticisms for how I handle certain things. I told them as long as I wrote the checks, my rules, so sorry. Ultimately, you are the only one to take care of you now. And it takes along time to get your head around that. One year is a good rule for making decisions, but honestly, until three years had passed I wasn't ready to make any changes, including with the house. Now I feel competent to handle things, and understand I can do them my way, but there's still a feeling of guilt and what would he want me to do. You'll figure it out. His kids are adults. They need to figure it out. If he wanted anything different, including your farm, he was an adult and he would have set it up differently. Do not feel guilty and do not worry about how they are handling things. Take care of you and let them figure it out.

The very first thing that I would do, if dh dies first, is that I will change every lock in the house. Only then would I notify anyone of his passing.
It pays to anticipate!

First of all, many hugs.

I agree about the right of survivorship. Cannot contest it.
Go with advice here. Heal youself and let everything else get put aside.

It has been so long, I wonder if you will see this.  Farmgirl, my beloved and I were married 25 years; he passed in 2015 of a massive heart attack.  There were 17 years between our ages. He had 3 kiddos and I have one. We had 11 grands.  When he passed, I went (and am still going through) the same things you have.  The ENTIRE family turned against me, but for my precious MIL.  My question is: how are you today, 8 years down the road?  I send love, and hugs...and hope that you have found peace; your peace would give me hope of someday finding my own.

My husband and I were together 18 years. There was a 23 year age difference that didn't matter to us but sure mattered to his 2 daughters and 2 sons who are around my age. We had good careers and retired. Together we built 2 homes , one being a beach house down south. Only one son ever came to visit and that was because he and his buddies wanted a cheap fishing vacation. My husband had been sick for the last two years and was hospitalized twice and almost died. Not one came down to see him. They did send a lot of texts about what I should be doing to take care of him and what I should be telling the doctor tho! He passed away on a Friday morning and by Monday they had already called his money manager to find out their haul. They put an obituary in the local paper that was filled with his life with their mother,  his first wife, a shrew of a woman who died before their divorce was final. I got one line near the bottom. My husband's brother is the lawyer who wrote the will. A week after my husband died they all got together and invited my brother inlaw to a "memorial" that turned out to be nothing but questions about his will. They had complete meltdown when they found out he left the majority of his estate to me and only a small tidy sum to them. Strangely enough, the same weekend someone attempted to break into our summer house. A week after that they got on a conference call with my brother  in law and wanted him to contest the will he and my husband wrote! They were armed with some internet law searches and the fact that we were married in another country so it's probably not even legal. My brother inlaw suggested they call someone else to represent them.  I thought I'd be rid of them when he passed but no luck so far...

I do understand that they thought they might be getting some of the assets.   I am not certain why you are not asking your son, who is a trained tradesman for help. It would seem much more logical, given that you say he helped build the ranch and will inherit. 

Tell those greedy little vultures to kick rocks! 
 

You have no financial obligation tothem. I would make sure you get everything updated on the property and remove your former husband's name off the land, so incase something happens to you your son has no issues with them trying to dispute any rights. 
 

Make sure to leave a will for your son because in the event something happens to you they are going to run in again for a piece of the pie. 
 

I'm sorry you lost your life partner. It seems he was aware of his children's motives and you should feel no guilty not giving them squat. 

The Skids have shown their hand.  So, go all in, cut them off, and get on with your life.   You and your DH built a great marriage and a successful life together. Do not jeopardise your future in any way for them.

My condolences on the loss of your mom and  your DH.  

Take care of you.

avail. I was wondering how things panned out for her.

Truly a horrible situation, but thankfully they had their wills updated.

It should be a law for one spouse to notify the other when they change their wills or life insurance beneficiaries.

Those grown kids must be pretty stupid. Most deeds are right of survivorship so it automactically passes to the other spouse upon death. Especially since you built the homes why would his kids think any of that goes to them? It really surprises me that step kids think it's "dads estate" when it's the couples estate to begin with. Even with retirements by law it goes to the spouse. We have 2 and we can't put anyone else as beneficiary.  Also, as for the Obit that's something the spouse does, a lot of nerve those kids have. I would have written my own and do a rememberance every year! His ex wife would not be mentioned, nor his kids after that. Very sad when one is grieving and horrible people show their true colors. At least now you never have to see those kids again. I know I wouldn't.

Yep.  “It really surprises me that step kids think it's 'dads estate' when it's the couples estate to begin with.”  You have to wonder what adult SKs tell themselves sometimes.  Don’t you? 

My husband passed away in November, 2019. We were married for 30 years. He had 3 kids from his first marriage (all in their 40s now) and we had one together. When we met, same thing, nothing, we had a cat, some house plants and a broken down car. 

It's sad that money makes people so screwed up, entitled. I used to belong to a FB group about money and you would be shocked how many times the topic of inheritance surfaced. It was always the "poor stepkid" and "evil stepmother." The posts would always be filled with so much hate and entitlement. Why does everything think they are owed something in life?

After my husband's funeral, I heard nothing from any of them, ghosted. It is really a blessing in disguise, but I feel bad for my son who is only 15, these skids are so immature that their hate for me overshadows a relationship with their younger brother. Sad, really.

Oh, I did get one text from the youngest skid who started out with asking about how I was doing and then ended with "Dad promised us his life insurance policy." I said, your dad never said anything about that to me. They all assumed the policy was for 100k, nope, it was reduced when my husband renewed it because he had so many health issues. By the time I paid off the bills and funeral, I had very little left. We did however, have everything in both our names (Joint Tenancy), so everything passed to me by default. I also had us both write up wills because I knew their history and felt more comfortable having it in writing as well.

About a month ago, I got a text from my skids ex-mother in law mentioning how all they ever talked about was what they would get when their dad passed. So far, I have not heard from any of them, good riddance.

Here's hoping that you are doing better, time does heal all wounds. Best of luck to you!