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Will I ever know what my Skids really think about me?

Past life's picture

I was married 33 yrs to my only husband. Raised 2 of his 4 children.  He passed in 2010. We had a good marriage. 

I had a rough time and my skids did help me through. Im closest to the youngest sd. She is 47 now. My ss and I are not as close. He turned 50 this year. I rakised them fron ages 4 and 7 and they considered me as Mom.

After about 5 yrs I met a gentleman and we have been together for almost 6 years. We live out of Md where I usedt o live.

I sold my Md home and alot of belongings when I moved.  Since moving away, I have sensed feeling being different from them. We had modest income but no large fortune to disburse.   I kept life insurance to live on while i was alone.  My ss didnt even mention Mothers Day like in the old days. I think he is mad I didnt give him money.

I spoke to a friend who had a simular situation as mine. She said only one of her 4 skids keeps in touch with her after her husband passed.

So, how do you let go of a past life and how do i ever know or will i ever know what the skids are thinking of me?? I guess im still longing for their love, for all the years I spent raising them. Is it  me, who needs to let the past go?

 

Harry's picture

They just don't care about you.  Once the ATM closed. They had no used for you.  Unfortunately SP buy into the movie cr*p.  That we all will love each other .  That the truth comes out to late.  Change your will and leave your money to your cat. 

Past life's picture

Hi Harry,

Thank you also for the support. YEs, money has a way in families.....and not always good. I lent money to my SS, several times and never got paid back. And I did a loan for him for a car after his Dad died. After paying back almost 3/4 of the loan, he closed out his payroll deductions and closed his account. I paid the final 800. Off to not mar my own credit rate,as I was joint on the loan.

His final comment, I heard by the family grapevine, was...I'm just not paying that.... He sold the car.

The final straw that broke the camels back, was a 500. Loan I did for him. The oldest SD, borrowed 500. From SS when he got 3k unemployment pmt for being laid off months. (Living in my home.) She was to pay him back, when she got her tax return back.  He spent his 3k in a few months and in the meantime...again needed MONEY.   So he as me to gove him the 500. And have his sister pay me back when she got her tax back.....WELL.... I went along and when SD for her taxes......I Never got my money!!  So...both of them owe me 250!

i know this sound nuts,,,,but you just can't make this stuff up!!

Just ridiculous 

Yes,,,my bank is now closed!!

 

ps.. I'd love to keep my forum going...!

ldvilen's picture

This is quite sad yet, unfortunately, not all that untypical:  “So, how do you let go of a past life and how do i ever know or will i ever know what the skids are thinking of me?? I guess I’m still longing for their love, for all the years I spent raising them. Is it me, who needs to let the past go?”

I wouldn’t refer to it as much as letting go as recognizing the situation for what it is.  Sure, there are SOME stepparents and step kids out there who have good, decent relationships.  Some were raised by their stepparents, some were EOWE and in-between.  Once the bio partner (BM or bio-dad) is no longer in the picture, either thru separation/ divorce or death, there are even fewer SKs and stepparents who remain in contact or have a more-so reg. parent-child relationship.

That is a small percentage.  Yet, for some reason, our society keeps trying to imply over and over that step-families should all fall into that small percentage—the Brady Bunch percentage—or there is something wrong with you, and wrong with the stepparent in particular.

In reality, there isn’t anything wrong with any of us, neither the stepparents nor SKs.  A married couple gets divorced or one of the parents passes, and dad or mom goes on to remarry.  Even with very young children, as in your case, and even though you were pretty much a mom to them, kids still know who “real” mom and real dad are.  And they forever long for that.  If anything seems even remotely off or wrong in their family, it is too easy for kids to think “what if,” and that things would have been so much better if mom and dad were still both there with them.

Now, they may or may not have been.  They may have been worse off, but you can make “what could have been” anything you want it to be, unlike the reality.  No, it isn’t you at all.  It is just all of the unrealistic expectations that are placed on us and come about just by virtue of us falling in love with an available man with children.  We think we are getting bonus children.  In reality, you never know what you’re going to get, because most of the factors that determine how well a stepparent and step kid get along are outside of our control.  Most of those factors are controlled by BM and bio-dad.  So, you can be the most ideal SM in the world, and yet still never know what the SKs are thinking of you or never feel like you are truly or even remotely appreciated or loved for what you have done for them.

Because, just like some adults can move on and some can’t, same with children.  Some can and some cannot.  Some will always long for “real” mom and real dad, together in the same household, and some will create a “what if” in their mind to the point that you just being there gets them PO’d, no matter what you do for them and regardless that you had absolutely nothing to do with their parent’s split.

So, in a way, all stepparents are duped into thinking that we can somehow come into a hellish nightmare situation with separated or divorced or deceased parents and extremely upset and sensitive children, and somehow make it all work, apparently through our calm, near-heroic efforts.  We can’t.  All we can do is accept the situation for what it is, make sure that our own spouses or SOs treat us with respect, and that they set the path as ideally as possible for their children to do so as well.  The rest is up to BM and the SKs’ themselves.  And, you have absolutely no way of knowing what path they will chose, whether they be age 2, 7, 10, 22, 42, etc.  And, for years they may seem on the right path, and then Pfft!, they are gone.

This is why stepmoms are best to focus on their true role, and that is as dad’s wife.  And, in your particular case, you are no longer dad’s wife.  You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you did NOT have high expectations.  Who doesn’t expect to get kindness in return for kindness, love in return for love?  Unfortunately, tho., stepparents are too often misjudged (duped?) by just about everyone, incl. so-called professionals.  It was not you.  It was just the situation.  Anti-climactic, I know, but it is not letting go so much as it is recognizing the situation for what it is and was.

Past life's picture

I appreciate your response. You touched on a topic, one I really think is something I didn't consider. The skids longing for the "real Mom and Dad" 

For example, this is Memorial Weekend. My SD started a "Family Chat" on messenger a few months ago. Well, I can't say this has helped me any..as she added me into the group.  This past weekend (Monday), They did a family walk down memory lane with pics on the family group site. The oldest Skid of the 4, posted pics from 1965 up to present, and not one of the pics had me in them....zippo!   And not one message about how my Memorial Day was going up here in NY.....Needless to say, I didn't feel like sending them one, as to "ask" to be talked to..so I didn't!  But still, didn't make me feel good.

I thank everyone for listening and it helps me hearing your imput! I'd like to keep this forearm going for a while and maybe I can find some answers, and get my head on straight about all of this!

Past life

Old sm's picture

When my husband's mother had her 70th birthday a few years ago, SD put together this huge collage of photos that went back from MIL's childhood to present day.  I've been with DH for 25 years, raised SD for 12 of those; there was not a single photo of me in the entire collage. In all honesty, I found it a little insulting but not devastating.  She only talks to me if she wants something. If something were to happen to DH, I fully expect his daughter to completely disappear out of my life and I'm fine with that.  Since this COVID stuff came around, SD hasn't been here in 10 weeks and it's been wonderful. 

MissTexas's picture

DH. Animals etc. make the photo album, but not dad's wife. It's uncanny how these girls all seem to read from the same play book. This being just one of their tactics. Like you, it was very noticeable to me, but I was in no way devastated, because she doesn't exist in my world either, and truth be known, I've also returned the favor. The less I have to put my eyes on her nasty ass, the happier I am.Any semblance of her makes me want to put both ends to the toilet simultaneously.

Another is cutting daddy off if he refuses to play by princess's rules.

Past life's picture

Yes..the left out of "the family" pictures has happened to me alot. and now since both of the "parents " of my sks are deceased, its hard to see on fb.  Mothers day..Fathers day.. Birthdays....the old pictures are posted. 

I try to stay off the social media and let them have their moments alone.  I just get sad when i see them.

Thank for sharing Ols sm!

Swim_Mom's picture

What a thoughtful response. Way to put it all in perspective! Thanks for that!

Rags's picture

Though your DH and the Skid's father has passed, you have the remainder of your life to live.  Apparently the Skids have chosen to not be a part of that life.  Their choice and their loss.

As sad as their revealing their true lack of character may be for you, your duty is to your own life and enjoying life with your new partner.

I do hope that they re-engage and honor you as they should. As their father's widow, as the SM who raised them from childhood to adulthood, and as a supportive member of their family.  The only one left from their childhood.

It really is their loss.  Far more than it is yours.  At some point they will live with the knowledge that they were petty and toxic to you.  You will not have the same regrets and knowledge of a lack of character that they will have to suffer with for the duration of their lives.

Take care of you.

 

DPW's picture

I think you need to let go, but you have every right to take your time to process the loss. And it is a loss. 

Keep the bank closed and move on when you're ready. You will find others who appreciate you for you and not for what you can provide for them. 

JRI's picture

You said you wanted to keep your forum going and that's a good idea.  I'm an older member who is new here, too.  Like you, I'm still processing the whole stepmother experience, even tho the "kids" are in their 50s.  It's been therapeutic for me to read thru this site, blog, comment.  There is a lot of wisdom, perspective and wit here. We know we did what we thought was best at the time.  This site can help us put it all to rest on our minds.

Past life's picture

Yes..this site has helped me a lot. It is good to know Im not alone in my thoughts. 

Im trying to move along and work on forgetting the bad vibes. With Gods help and my new Partner..I want to strive to br happy.

Past life's picture

Yes JRI..i agree. The reading and hearing what happened to others, helps me. 

 

JRI's picture

I truly believe you will be able to put

JRI's picture

I wanted to say I believe you will be able to put those bad vibes to rest.  I find that my mind does me a favor by fading the unpleasant memories.  Very best wishes for the happier days to come.

MissTexas's picture

you even WANT to know?

I would just press forward and be glad for the life I have ahead of me. You've moved on with your life. Everything has a season and that "season" has passed. 

You owe them nothing and vice versa.

There's something called cognitive restructuring. When you think of a negative or anxious thought, you replace it with a positive and comforting thought. It takes some time and practice, but once you master it you empower yourself.

Past life's picture

Yes Miss Texas...will read up on that! I may find it helpful!!

 

Past life's picture

Miss Texas

I found myself trying to replace some of my negative thoughts and found it to be helpful.

MissTexas's picture

Keep it up!

They don't exist in your world anymore. That was your past life.

Press on lady!

still learning's picture

Although you were stepmom they have moved on from that and perhaps you should too.  In reality you were probably more like the nanny/caretaker because they already had a mom. These are people that you shared a chapter of your life with, but they no longer need you.  It may be wise to reframe the relationship into more of a distant friendship. Stay in touch, be friendly, but don't expect anything from them.  If they add you to chats you politely bow out. Let them know that you honor their father in your own way. If you must be social media friends place them on "mute" and check in as you want to.  

 

Past life's picture

Thanks still learning!

I agree with distancing myself. Sometimes when I go into their "family chat" that they created...i feel like im intruding.  So I dont answer all the sessions.  And i do put it on mute, and check in and sorta catch up.  

My oldest sd, just the other day..put an i love you Mom and Dad message online for her and her hubbys anniversary...i saw this on the news feed and again felt bad and down...and the comment got to me...just like she tries to mess with me, knowing I would see it!!!

Past life's picture

Today was Father's Day.  I decided to bow out of Social Media today. I know my skids put all kinds of posts of their real parents on there (my Husband and their Mom (both deceased.).

I put some distance today between their family memories and my sanity.  

I called my youngest sd this evening and had a nice talk with her.  She and I are closest.

Im surprised..my day was more pleasant, without seeing all their memories. I remembered a few of my own quietly.

My partner and i rode to the lake today and enjoyed the day!

Thank for letting me vent!!

Pastlife