No biokids and not wanting any - thoughts?
Me: 30 years old, married to DH43, living with and raising SS18 and SD16.
I always thought I'd have my own kids, not because I'm a clucky sort of person, I just thought it was something I would do. Having agonised over it for a year, I'm deciding I probably won't have my own kids. Raising SS18 and SD16 over the last 4 years full time and four years part time before that, and being frustrated and disappointed so often, I can't bring myself to give up even more of my life for someone else. I need some time for me, for us. Even as they grow older, they are no more useful, helpful or nice to be around, than they were three years ago. What's also sealing the deal for me is that DH is not any more enamoured with them than I am, not by much anyway. Not because he doesn't like children, but because his are so disappointing. They're unambitious, inconsiderate, and have no initiative or independent thought processes. On the other hand they're not nasty kids, they are both nice people with lots of friends, they don't have a disability or anything, but it sure aint doing it for me. Sure it might be different with my own, but how much different can it really be? I'd still be putting my life on hold for them, and I've given up so much already. My budding career earnings have gone into them and house that can accommodate them.
I've thought about the loneliness in old age, that men live shorter lives than women (esp with heart disease in the family), that the bio bond is different, yada yada yada. My concern is that I've put so much energy and effort into raising these kids that we might be able to be free of in 5 years time, only to replace them with a completely dependent child again.
Have you made this decision and loved it or regretted it?
I chose to not have a bio for
I chose to not have a bio for a different reason, a generational curse of anxiety.
I see why you do not want kids, I think it's rational and probably for the better, seeing as your DH isn't showing much interest.
DH and i have also decided to
DH and i have also decided to not have kids. He has 3 from a previous marriage so his name will be carried on. I feel so stressed and worn out after the Skids go home.There are other reason why I don't want kids of my own. I don't like the edu system and may never be able to afford a private school, and stuff like that. I'm also a high risk pregnancy and it may not be safe to even get pregnant. I do believe that having your own kids is completely different than having skids. However, the decision is between you and your DH. The best advice would be to think on it for awhile, never leave anything off the table and make sure you and your DH always have a good understanding of each others feelings.
(If I do become pregnant by accident, DH and I will accept it as a meant to be
)
It is not a requirement that
It is not a requirement that every woman have kids. My 32yo daughter is not interested in husband nor kids and I say it's OK. She's living life on her own terms. She's happy and that's all any parent wants.
Have you tried comparing two
Have you tried comparing two columns with "Fors" and "Against" having kids? It can be helpful.
i married dh twenty years ago
i married dh twenty years ago and never wanted any biokids. its enough h$ll with skids as it is.
I believe old age is an
I believe old age is an important consideration in regards to children. I've worked with people in the last years of their lives for over a decade. Children are oftentimes the window to the world for parents as they become more isolated due to friends dying, inability to drive etc... Their kids are their advocates, caretakers and oftentimes sole companions. From what I've observed there is usually at least one child that will care for their elderly parent, even if the other relationships are nonexistant.
There are exceptions. There are social elderly that don't need anyone to look in one them. A beloved childless friend of mine (75 y/o) died recently and he had more friends (honestly) than anyone I have ever met. He did die suddenly of a heart attack though. He didn't have a long drawn out illness or years of disability.
Based on what I've observed, children are very important for most people as they age. I'm not saying it should solely determine a person's decision to have kids. Still, it's an important cost to consider.
I never wanted kids and was
I never wanted kids and was even a member of a few childfree groups. I never felt pressure from society,but of course I'm a guy. The pressure is usually on the women.
I've also been lucky enough not to have had any 'accidents'(accidental pregnancies)...though I believe I still got hit with the curse with the SK I got^