No more tense "family" holidays
After a recent go around with SD, I decided I am done. Since tomorrow is Easter, I told DH I thought it best if we did not get together as a "family". I will spend time with my kids, he can spend time with his. SD has made her feelings about me crystal clear recently in her inappropriate comments through a facebook message, so I am not mistaken about the true status of our lack of a relationship.
DH told me yesterday that SD spontaneously mentioned she would "be ok" with getting together with the whole family. She is a master! Now I am the bag guy. I have spent so many holidays walking on eggshells, hoping what we cooked, purchased, etc, would make her happy enough to keep any rude comments to herself. I refuse to put myself in that position ever again. Thing is, no one else in the family has been as emotionally abused by her as I have and probably will want to get together. I offered an opportunity to clear the air she refused, hence the facebook message mentioned above. I am not going to have an Easter gathering pretending everything is fine.
Anyone else have a similar situation before?
Yes. Her saying she will "be
Yes. Her saying she will "be ok" does indeed make you the supposed author of all the problems and, even though she may mean that bad things won't happen again, if they do, they will be laid at your door. Avoid like the plague. Or, if you gather, bring friends or your own extended family members who will be able to validate your experiences and take DH aside to confirm that.
>>>SD spontaneously mentioned
>>>SD spontaneously mentioned she would "be ok" with getting together with the whole family.<<<
They're so cute when they think the decision is up to them, aren't they?
Good for you!
Not with my stepchildren, as
Not with my stepchildren, as they are still young, and I am their primary maternal figure...they don't do the whole "divide and conquer" crap that older steps seem so hell bent on.
But I have this situation with my extended family, and I simply don't do the whole "uncomfortable family gathering" thing anymore. Look, holidays are holidays, I get that, but if a gathering is going to be tense and uncomfortable, why go? I mean, get togethers should be enjoyable, and if they aren't, well, why bother? Besides, gatherings are always a lot of trouble for someone....cooking and cleaning and trying to make a nice time for everyone...it seems a shame to go to all that effort to have people feeling strained.
Christmas was the final
Christmas was the final holiday for me after 5 years of a mean girl gang up mentality by MIL and anyone she could gather. Esp step DIL. I didn't go to Christmas and it was found out how I felt.
Step D.I.L. out of "respect" for me doesn't show up for family gatherings which is what I complained about (scapegoating). She had all but stopped coming to family gathering for the yr before Christmas when her husband had left for the military and been hateful. she apologized but now the family isn't getting together because they know I'm uncomfortable (family= her and her DH (ss), MIL and sd (apparently her husband didn't like to go either)). Uhhhh, you did this for a yr anyway and wrote a letter how you had scapegoated me for yrs. Now I'm the reason you don't go out of benevolence... give me a break!
Anyway, that sick twisted pit in my stomach around the holidays is gone now that the cat's out of the bag and I no longer feel hijacked by his family. I am a Christian and I prayed for freedom. I believe with all my heart God gave it to me. I do forgive them, I just refuse to let abusive people that close to me anymore.
That's mighty nice of her!
That's mighty nice of her!
"DH told me yesterday that SD spontaneously mentioned she would "be ok" with getting together with the whole family. "
Is she the queen in his life, who gets to sit up on a throne and decide who is worthy of her company? I would say it's nice that she's willing, but I'm not willing to allow her an opportunity to bring a bad attitude to a special occasion. I'll be willing to try to open up to her on an ordinary evening, and if that goes well, then I'll think about sharing my special occasions with her.
After all, you didn't create the situation.
Forgiveness does not equal trust. I hope you have freely given your forgiveness, but trust has to be earned back.... that's a universal law.... you didn't make it, you simply know it is true.
I told my SO, I'm willing to turn the other cheek, but I've only got 4, and if someone slapped me 4 times, the only way I'm gonna be around them again is if I REALLY liked it the first time. }:)
Be the bad guy..... Embrace being the BITCH..... you didn't cast yourself in the role, but since you've been placed there, be good at it!! Because you know in this situation, when they call you a bitch, it means, "you're not letting me walk all over you."
Read the book "getting to know your inner bitch".... it helped me learn to take care of myself, and it helped me learn to not fear my inner bitch.... we all have one!
That book sounds great! I am
That book sounds great! I am going to pick that one up next time I am at the bookstore.
Sorry the complete title is
Sorry the complete title is GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER BITCH.
Here's a link:
http://books.google.com/books/about/Getting_In_Touch_With_Your_Inner_Bit...
Thanks a lot!
Thanks a lot!
Yes, I do. It is similiar.
Yes, I do. It is similiar. SD has said things to me over facebook and to other people about me but she has not confronted me face to face. She just comes in and acts like nothing is wrong at family functions. She has NEVER apologized for any of her beahviour. My husbands family likes to bury their head in the sand and says we all just need to pretend to get along for family things. I choose to not go to their family things when stepdaughter goes!
My husbands family even hosted a christmas dinner at my sis in law house so skids could go there since husband wasn't inviting them to ours.