A Pattern but why?
I've noticed a pattern throughout the years and I don't understand why it keeps happening as none of it makes sense to me.
We've been together 18 years, married 13 years. He has a D32. Unfortunately, like many, he fought hard to be in his D life while growing up to no avail. She came into his life at age 19. We don't normally argue over everyday issues.
It is at the point where I cannot suggest anything concerning SD or it's a huge fight.
For example: SD said she wanted to visit Thursday and backed out, then it was Sunday and backed out again, and then it was Tuesday. We've made supper twice for her with 2 no shows. My husband only makes her salmon because that's all he knows she'll eat. I've told him many times, ask her what she likes to eat and cook that. He won't ask! I'm convinced she doesn't want to eat salmon again. LOL
Tuesday comes around and I suggest we pick up a couple take and bake pizzas. She brought pizza to the house one time so I know she likes pizza.
He threw a complete fit. Screaming, "what is your problem with me cooking food for my daughter?" It got so ugly that he packed his bags, took his daughter out for supper, and drove to our property in another state. All over suggesting pizza.
Another example: We were in the middle of remodeling our house. Complete mess and nowhere for anyone to sit because we threw out the old sofa and loveseat in anticipation of getting new ones when the flooring was complete. His D was coming to visit. I suggested we meet her at a local restaurant and afterwards take a walk around the lake. He completely lost it and accused me of not wanting her at the house. He left pissed and met her in town and spent the entire day riding around with her on the Harley.
The pattern I'm noticing is he'll pick a fight with me so he can leave and be with his daughter alone. When she's here we all have a wonderful time.
I need help understanding why he's pushing me away to be with his daughter. We all get along when she's here. None of the fights make sense to me. They often meet for dinner by themselves so it isn't like he wants alone time with her.
Oh good gawd
Probably tons goes on behind your back, thats why he picks a fight. My bet the princess has tons of non valid complaints about you so he keeps you apart.
This daddio daughter enmeshment is creepy AF
Trust me if it is like this now, it will be in the future. He wants a seperate life with you and his oh so speshul daughter.
I have my suspicions
I've considered this but she mostly acts so sweet to me. There's only been a couple times where I thought her comment was snotty. DH says she's always telling him how much she likes me.
But this does raise a question in my head because we used to hang out with neighborhood friends (DH & I). They were his friends before I came along. I stopped going there for about a month. When I started going again, our friends treated me differently, standoffish, but DH was right in the clique. One person became outwardly snotty to me. I had no idea why. I stopped going altogether. I've often wondered if he had said something and why he'd want to hang around someone he knew was treating me so bad for no reason. Things changed for a reason and he's the only common denominator.
YEP. Your H is likely
YEP. Your H is likely spineless. Sorry for being so bold. The common demononator is HIM. He's the toxic one in this thing. I am not saying the SD isn't but...from SD to neighbors. Yikes, watch your back. You are defintely the bad guy in his narrative. Yesterday, I called my DH out for saying "happy wife, happy life..." I said - what are YOU talking about? That is the stupidest saying in the history. We have lived your way of life, your kids, your preferences, even in your hometown since we've been together. There's this tendency to "act" as if the wife is getting 100% what they want, the wife is "difficult", the wife is "insert negative thing here" and the guy is just being an easy going dude who has to deal with HER. Nope. I think you may need to dig a bit deeper and start calling things out.
Would he get mad if you
Would he get mad if you questioned his behavior? I'm really trying to understand why their reactions are so over the top. I can see wanting everyone to feel special and know they're loved. It has to be equal though.
He's jealous.
He is looking for a fight so he can exclude you. He wants every precious minute he can have with his princess and sees you as nothing but an interloper. Doesn't matter if SD hates you, loves you or falls somewhere in between - he just sees you as competition for SD's attention and (gasp!) possible affection. He wants every drop of it he can get from her.
I suggest disengagement. Don't say a word, just find other things to do when and if SD ever makes plans to visit again. Don't do any cooking, planning, shopping, etc. When DH says, "SD is coming over Saturday." say, "Oh wonderful. I'm sure you two will have a great time. I'm going over to Suzy's house for the day/night (or, I have to work, or I have to do vital shopping, have a hair/nail appointment, etc.) so I'm not going to be here."
Contnue to apply this strategy to discussions of her. If DH wants to bring up something, let him talk/vent a little bit, say NOTHING about SD and just make a non-committal "Tsk, tsk." or "Good for her!" or "Sorry to hear that." and change the subject. Get up and go to the bathroom if you have to.
The bigger question is "WHY" do they do this. I think it is driven by guilt and a desire to overcompensate for the time they haven't been able to spend with their kids. It's usually a life-long phenomenon and it's usually men/fathers. At least it is in my case (and yours) as it's still going on while the kids are now in their 30s!
P.S. Don't buy the "sweet" routine from SD for a single minute. She's not your friend and never will be. You know very well that if she ever crooked her finger at Daddy and said "It's either her or me" he'd have a true struggle to figure out which one he'd pick.
This! He wants to go alone so
This! He wants to go alone so he finds silly reasons to pretend to be mad at you, so he can exclude you.
My MIL does the same thing with DH. She wants to just see SSs alone, but DH has asked her to discuss plans with him first (as he's the parent - they are not adults). MIL will make a feeble attempt at including DH then when he doesn't meet some unnamed specification (like replying immediately), she'll tell him she had no choice but to go directly to Skids. When she gets caught making plans directly with SSs and DH reminds her that he asked her not to do that, she'll come back and say she wasn't making plans with them, she was just checking with them first...even though she always tries to hide that fact from DH. It's maddening and it's total manipulation. It's also clear that MIL doesn't really want DH (or me or DD) around, she just wants to see SSs...and I think the same is true for your DH and his D.
It all seems so immature and
It all seems so immature and I often ask myself if I've landed in bizarre-O-world. I swear!
It's a totally immature and
It's a totally immature and dysfunctional way to be...and it's annoying as all get out to full-fledged adults who do not manipulate to get what they want.
It certainly feels like he
It certainly feels like he starts a fight so he can exclude me but why would he invite her to the house in the first place if he just wanted to get mad at me so he could run off? But I believe it does have something to do with this house since she grew up here until the age of 5. He's made shitty comments when drunk about her coming to visit HER house. There was nothing leading up to this comment, it was random and out of nowhere.
I went almost 2 years in disengagement mode. Then SD got thrown in jail for about 6 months and since she's been out he keeps me intertwined in their mess with 'special' days and events. I try my best to steer clear of their relationship, I really do. I'm going to go back to not getting involved in his discussion when he's upset with her.
He's proven exactly where his loyalty lies time and time again by starting a fight so he can get out of our plans because his D unexpectedly wants to go do something together. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind.
Just curious, are you still with your H?
I believe it does have
I believe it does have something to do with this house since she grew up here until the age of 5
Have you done any redecorating? It seems like she may be territorial about "her" house, and may be passive aggressively complaining about it behind your back. And that may be why he avoids bringing her there.
It sounds like he gossips about you with the neighbors too.
ETA: He rides her on his harley? That's weird.
You say she came into his
You say she came into his life at age 19. Was there no contact before that? Did he suddenly have a daughter who also happened to be a young woman? I ask because his behaviour makes me think more of a man with a mistress rather than a grown-up daughter. I am not saying that there's anything off going on, simply that he might be flattered by her attention and not realize how he's carrying on. She's now 32 and he's just got into the habit of being that way. He's put her on a pedestal so high that a common mortal like yourself cannot (and, in his opinion, shouldn't get near her). I am NOT making excuses for him. Does he get angry as easily on other subjects or is it just her? Does he realize how much hurt he's causing with no reason and no explanation? Do you think that an unbiased third party could get it through to him? How about some counselling to start with?
I had to reread too.
.
Any time someone tries to
Any time someone tries to isolate me from their friends and family I have to wonder why. Why does he deliberately keep you on the fringes? This is shifty and pretty shitty of him.
Why do people do this? I have
Why do people do this? I have no idea. I suspected he did this with the neighborhood friends as well. Something changed with them and he's the only common thread. Yet no matter how nasty one neighbor is to me he still buddies up to her (because they were friends before I came along).
Then I feel bad for thinking this way or having suspicions about that situation. Could the man I love be pushing his friends and family away from me and then turn around at every argument we have and shove it in my face that I have no friends?
These are his words from a text yesterday. He twists everything around and it's simply not true:
"No one will ever be good or perfect enough for you and now I know why you have no friends and don’t want to be around inferior people."
He's deflecting by trying to
He's deflecting by trying to put it back on you. He knows that if he's mean about it, you'll think "oh, maybe I was wrong" and won't call him out on his BS. Another typical manipulation tactic.
He got a divorce when his D
He got a divorce when his D was 5 YO. His ex played dirty, accused him of horrible things, which kept him from his D. His ex would not bring his D to the mandatory court meetings. When his D was 12 the court appointed authorities determined that his ex was lying but because so much time had lapsed and the mental damage that had taken place to his D, the courts allowed his D to determine if, when and where any visitation would take place. I came into H life when she was 14. I only saw her a handful of times until she was 19. She has always controlled their relationship. The visits were usually at a restaurant in D town and were short, pick her up, go to a restaurant, she'd pick at her food, small talk, and take her back home. There was never any excitement in her to see her dad. It felt more like a 'let's get this over with' meetup.
Most of our blow-up arguments (95%) are over his reactions to any suggestion or thought I have concerning his D or how he treats me when we are all together. The later one I only pointed out one time so it's mainly his reactions and flying off the handle with anger.
He doesn't understand why we argue or why we go so far off the rails when we talk about his D. This is a pattern though. They make plans, we argue over my insignificant suggestions or thoughts, he yells, says very hurtful things, he meets his D, 2 days of silence, we talk, we agree on a different approach, everyone is sorry and then the next time it repeats itself. This has been going on for YEARS.
He gets unfounded things stuck in his head and every argument he drags them back up. I think it's a deflection tactic. Most of them are negative about me such as I'm a social outcast, I have no friends, why don't I want his friends at the house, why don't I want his D at the house, etc. None of this is true and the only thing I've asked is that he at least ask me what my plans are before inviting people to the house. So now he makes plans with his D through text and then asks me if it's okay after the fact. Gawd forbid if I say 'no.' It's a revolving door of nonsense.
I am going to make an appointment with someone by myself. He says he will participate but he also said that 'these people' tend to pick one side over the other. To me he's already looking for an excuse. I am going by myself because I want to be able to discuss things freely and I don't want him trying to control the conversation. He likes to talk over people to shut them down and at the same time proclaim how much he detests people who talk over him.
I’m going to suggest that this issue is just the one of many.
Please consider journaling. I was married to an abusive man for over 25 years and it took me a very long time to make the correlation. It wasn't Until I began journaling (online) because I knew if he found it all hell would break loose, I mean that alone is a red flag I overlooked! . It was once I began doing that and making notes of the explosive behavior that I was able to see years of unacceptable behavior, I also realized the one or two issues I thought we had were actually, many and that he was a textbook narcissist. The brain is a funny thing and tries to protect its wearer from constant trauma. Many times this is done by minimizing harmful or traumatic experiences, especially when it is being overloaded. There's a very insightful book called " trauma bonding and coercive control" by Lauren Kozlowski, that was very helpful to me, it's on audible and available in ebook or paperback. You should not have to walk on eggshells around a partner. Period.
Agree!
"It got so ugly that he packed his bags" If he has lived in that house since before SD was 5 years old, why would he pack his bags? Start saving money so when he threatens this again you can leave.
As Noway said, this man sounds like a toxic narcissist who puts you down so he can feel better about himself. I suggest you not only start journaling, but see a therpist to find out why you are allowing this kind of treatment. Many times we marry people whom we use as 'surrogates' to resolve problems with our parents. Is this you? It was me - until I got help for myself and divorced ex DH.
Honestly, I think the issue
Honestly, I think the issue is that his relationship with his daughter is extremely "emotionally high stakes" to him. He is terrified if he doesn't provide her a meal she likes.. she will be disinclined to visit. She already blows him off occasionally.. so in his mind, he has this fantasy scenario of his loving daughter coming over.. down to the silver on the table.. and the poached salmon on her plate.. when you suggest any alternative.. he thinks you are trying to "ruin" his fantasy scenario.. when you suggest the pizza he thinks you resent buying her "good food".
What is more troubling is his explosive behavior.. and if he is getting older.. maybe he is experiencing some early dementia.. or mental health crisis that needs addressing.
And.. it sounds like after he has a blow up.. you both just go back to "normal" without any sort of discussion about the fight.. no resolution.
Would he go to therapy over it? Have you and his daughter had drama in the past.. and he is hyper sensitive to that? if not.. I think you should definitely make sure he understands how blindsided you are by his outbursts.. that you just want to also have his daughter feel comfortable to visit.. and you have suggested things that you thought would make things better.. but he seems to take every suggestion negatively.
I have scheduled an
I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor today at 2 PM. He had a cancellation and I was able to take that time slot.
I've never had any harsh words with his daughter.
So much of what you all say is resonating with me, thank you.
I'm hoping to gain 'some' clarity today but I know it'll take many more sessions. I've put off going this route for too long. I hoped that we could come to an understanding but it's only getting worse.
Thank you for listening.
I heard someone say once that
I heard someone say once that if someone says something to you that could be taken more than one way.. why would we automatically jump to the emotional conclusion that someone that is supposed to love us would mean it in the negative way?
So, when you suggest pizza.. are you trying to cheapen her visit.. or are you suggesting something that she might enjoy because she may not want the same meal every time?
Or when you suggest a restaurant when there are no comfortable places to sit at home? is it to avoid her being in the home? or so that the venue is more comfortable for everyone?
If he knows you love him and supposedly have a good relationship with his daughter.. why would he take your suggestions as negative off the bat?
My DH and I are very close
My DH and I are very close and we often talk about our children's shortcomings. I complain about mine and his and he does the same. We agree on somethings and we may disagree on othes. He may defend my children or his sometimes and I probably do the same. That being said, we know our kids and we know their faults and talents. I would also go as far to assume that your DH knows your heart. My DH knows I am a giving and loving person, and sometimes temperamental but as long as you are nice I will treat you well. So, I just wonder why he is taking your commens or suggestions so negatively and being so combative.
Good to hear
I agree that DH seems to be taking everything in a negative way. Taking up for neighbors or SD rather than presenting you both as a partnership is disturbing. My exDH did this, and I can tell you from experience that eventually it gets old and stale. I hope the therapist can investigate why you go back to 'business as usual', and can help you to establish firm personal boundaries. Please let us know how your session went.
Why? He is a manipulative dickhead.
This pattern needs to be put to an end. Tell him next time he fabricates a fight with you to storm off with his spawn he will find the locks to both properties changed and a Constable hunting him down to serve him with the GTF out of your life papers.
He can go make a life with his noxious spawn.
smh
dont start a fight
Not that you are.... But have you tried just not making any suggestions and let him do what he wants to do in an effort to not be the "cause" of his running away,
I would test it out.