Sorry, no matter what I do my post doesn't show up.

I've read through almost 80 pages of this forum and it has helped tremendously, thank you so much. I've been with my DH since 2004, joint finances since 2006, and married in 2009. I'm so sorry this is long!

In 1995 DH and BM divorced. Their BD was 5YO. It was a nasty divorce that drained every penny my DH had, he lost his job, and because she wanted to "punish" him even further, she accused him of unspeakable things that caused the court to order evaluations which kept him from his BD for almost 7 years. The court/psych outcome was that BM was lying but by that time so much alienation had gone on that the court decided that visitation would be up to his BD and when/where she was comfortable.

I came into DH life when his BD was 14YO. We would pick her up and take her out to eat about 3 times a year. Everything was on the BD terms: when, where, and how long the visit would be. Sometimes I'd go and other times I wouldn't. I felt they needed to have alone time. Christmas presents delivered to BD house, no thank yous. Just leave them and walk away, it was expected. The worst, unwrapping gifts in a vehicle, in the mall parking lot. She wouldn't come to the house. Don't blame her, BM made this house a nightmare to live in when they were still married because of her mental condition (bipolar). BM broke all the windows out in a rage once. Chased people throughout the house with scissors. I can still see the patches in several walls of the house due to BM. She's really unstable.

BD ran away from home at 16YO. We got a call, picked her up, and met BM. It was decided that BD live with us. That lasted 1 month. It was just a power struggle game between BM and BD. We got caught in the middle. During BD stay I saw the posts on social media to her friends from her, "They're just trying to BUY my love." She lied to us about meaningless things, seriously disrespectful, and pretty much hid in her room the entire time. It was so uncomfortable. When BD got her way and went to prom she moved back with BM. It was hurtful.

When BD was 17 her BM took DH to court claiming contempt charges on DH. There had been no contact from BD since she moved back. We hired a lawyer. I did all the leg work: researching law, researching his old court documents (7 banker's boxes worth of disarrayed mess), investigating, writing up the legal documents, was in court along with DH, and attending the meetings with the lawyer too. He basically did nothing but attend meetings. Found out BD was living on her own. BM filed a police report on me for hacking. It was public info & nothing came of it. All said, we were awarded attorney's fees ($16K) and BM never even showed up to court. Never received any money from BM, it's just who she is. Sitting in court to observe this entire fiasco was a lawyer BD/BM hired to sue us for BD college funding. He silently left after the judge dealt his verdict/order. Emancipated!

During this entire time I supported my DH both emotionally and financially. It was a serious strain on us and it really hurt me to see him so upset. I'd never experienced so many tears for such a prolonged period of time.

At age 19, BD seeks out DH and is currently in our lives. I'm at a loss. My DH & I were raised so different. My BM passed when I was 6YO, dad was an alcoholic, and I was raised in state foster care. When I turned 18, I knew I was on my own for everything. DH has a supportive family and they were there for him.

We've paid for her BD storage bills when she decided to take a 6-week vacation, car tags even though she lied to us numerous times when asked if she renewed them, vehicle insurance even when she decided she didn't want the car but never told us, "loaned" her $400 because of a warrant for her arrest and she never paid it all back, DH paid parking tickets, DH parent's were giving her $400/month for college that she wasn't even attending. I refused to cosign for a brand new car, DH did it anyways. The list goes on & on!

Now I find us in a financial situation with SD that I absolutely refuse to give an inch on and my DH is fighting against me with every fiber of his being. DH told SD to consider having the nose polyps removed again before she turned 27 and was removed from DH insurance. I thought it was a good idea too. She told us she had made the appt. I asked DH to find out how much out of pocket it would cost. Vague answers from SD, as usual. DH takes off work the day of surgery to be with her, he should. Finance department prior to surgery, naturally she doesn't have the $760, DH paid. Surgery happens, DH brings SD home to recover. I get home to find out we paid for everything AND she had a complete nose job done (rhinoplasty) which isn't covered by insurance. I fester until she leaves because we "must" maintain a delusional financial world for SD sake. She's gone>>>Whose going to pay for this? The fight's on! She's back home, won't answer her phone, and doesn't have voicemail set up (she loses or breaks her phone every other month but does pay for replacements). We're getting insurance denial letters and there is a $6300 insurance claim I'm watching to see if insurance picks up. Can't blame them if they don't. There isn't enough info online yet to see what it's for: doctor bill, hospital bill, anesthesiologist bill, or combo thereof.

I'm so tired of fighting over this nonsense and DH just keeps shelling out the bills. The only time we can talk without DH getting defensive and us arguing is when there is distance between him & SD. Like right now, he's upset because she won't return his calls or emails. He will talk to me, I'll offer advice, he'll agree but never follows through. Then SD will call, his voice will get all squeaky, they're best of buds, and I'm just an asshole.

I'm tired of his waffling just to keep SD "happy." I know where I stand now, DH has made it clear, and it's NOT beside him anymore.

Our last big blow up a couple weeks ago, in which he agreed to splitting finances during his drunken defensive stooper, lasted until the following morning when he realized I made twice the money he did this year. He told me we should split the finances according to the income ratios we each brought home. My thought, fat chance! When your job requires you to work full time AND part time for 8 months out of the year THEN you might have some teeth in that lame argument. The subject hasn't come up again.

I'm in a waiting pattern. His back is against the wall with regards to funding SD nose job. I actually don't like being in this position as it's a no-win situation ultimately for me. If he "has to" tell her "no" he'll resent me. If SD defaults on the cosigned car because of medical bills, it's my fault. I know it's not my fault but DH/SD won't see it that way. I'm screwed!

I saw he took his retirement paperwork to work last Friday. He can borrow against his retirement and his employer will withdraw money each payday from his paycheck to pay off the loan. He essentially pays himself back. He just finished paying off the last loan. To me, this is the same as just paying for the surgery. Either way, it's coming out of "our" disposable joint income.

I'm waiting to see what he's going to do. If he borrows money against his retirement to pay for this, I'm going to complete the paperwork to change my direct deposit to my personal checking account. Is that wrong? I don't think so! I'm not falling for his idiotic income ratio BS either. Wish me luck!