Personality Disorders
My husband left his abusive ex-wife with Borderline Personality Disorder over 22 years ago. He had 2 children he couldn't save from her. We spent every cent we had to get custody but couldn't afford her millionaire mother's lawyers. Over 50 different people called protective services on his ex-wife but we still couldn't prove her an unfit mother. His ex-wife married a drug addicted, abusive, child molester. My stepson has learned to abuse and hate women from him. My stepdaughter became her Borderline Personality mother neglecting her kids.
Now twenty years later the children we desperately tried to save are living with us as adults. My son's girlfriend of several years died and my son didn't care. He said she was just some slut anyway. As a woman, I don't know how to teach my stepson to respect women. He is horrible towards women. He is going to do nothing but emotionally devastate woman after woman after woman in his life. I find myself praying he stays single because I am pretty sure he will neglect, hit, emotionally abuse, sexually use, maybe even rape his future girlfriends and wives. As a Pschology major, I see all the signs of domestic violence yet I can't stop it. It is terrifying.
Now my lazy, using stepdaughter wants to move in with her new boyfriend and 6 kids. My husband is worried about the kids so he says yes. I can't even get mad because he loves kids and grandkids. Now I guess I get to raise another generation of children I am not related to that won't appreciate the sacrifices made and become sociopaths anyway. I love my kids but I hate who they grew up to be.
I guess I am really looking for a few "friends" to vent to about challenging issues that arise from having adult stepchildren with personality disorders. I figure I can't be the only stepmother who is dealing with a sociopath who they happen to love.
Going to grab popcorn. I'll
Going to grab popcorn. I'll be back later for the comments.
Oh hell no. The BM in my life
Oh hell no. The BM in my life is BPD. My mom is NPD. My ex had another kind of empathy disorder. No way no how am I living with another person like that.
Yes, there is a risk that my stepsons will develop a personality disorder. I want to help them as much as I can, but they cannot live with me as adults if they are personality disordered. There is also a high chance that they will choose a partner with a personality disorder. They can't live with me either.
Hang on!!! Sd + bf + 6 kids when you’re middle aged
and done raising kids to adulthood and nearing to retirement
oh this is a MAJOR HELL NO!! from me...
the day ss says he is moving his wife and newborn baby into our home is when i tell hubby and him that he “toughen the eff up” just like we did and just like he couldn’t give a stuff helping pick up after himself and be considerate of others with a newborn baby, overwhelmed, lack of sleep etc...
you want kids, especially 6, don’t guilt daddy to have you move in for the sake of the kids.
if kids were ever your concern you’d have stopped spreading your legs open after 1 or 2 but it clearly seems she can’t manage even 1
No, no, no. Why are you guys
No, no, no. Why are you guys letting his personality disordered children AND their partners and kids live with you?!
Are you doing this out of misplaced guilt on your DH's part? Sounds like he did everything he could to get them away from their mother and failed because of a notoriously flawed family court system.
The time for teaching them anything is long past. Now is the time to protect yourselves from being used, manipulated and taken advantage of. They are adults and any changes they make will be self-driven. You guys can be part of their lives but you need to set some boundaries, and fast.
Whether or not they have
Whether or not they have personality disorders is REALLY not the heart of the problem. You would have to be crazy to move another EIGHT people into youir home. I perfectly understand that your dh worries abouit the children but they don't have to be under your roof. Say NO and say it NOW! Remind your dh that these children already have two parents and that they don't need any more. Tell him that it's time his daughter bucked up her game a bit and actually assumed her children as her responsibility.
Your life isn't going to be worth living if they move in ...
As for your SS ... WHY do you have such an abject individual in your home? I couildn't handle that.
Why are yoiu allowing yoiur dh to call the shots? Where is your voice in all of this? You sound worn down, defeated and resigned.
I'd say it's time the stepkids were told it's time for them to sink or swim. And don't throw them a lifebelt.
This is true. I wouldn't
This is true. I wouldn't allow adult skids without personality disorders to move themselves and their families into my home. But the personality disorder is likely the reason they aren't independent and will certainly make it much harder!
“ I can't even get mad because he loves kids and grandkids.” ???
Yes you can get mad. Not because he loves his kids and grandkids because he is willing to sacrifice you and his marriage for something that can’t be fixed.
Trust me no good will come of this.
Even if they didn’t have personality disorders, it would be a total train wreck. My skid24 has NPD and he is only one person and a nightmare to deal with and even worse to live with.
You really need to re-think this. Good luck.
Personality Disordered folks
Yes, and yes.
The way I put it to Munchkin SD12almost-13 is that there is an illness in her sisters mind. Also, with her mother. And that there was dysfunction in the relationship between her parents and what we are experiencing now is an extension of that diysfunction. She gets it actually.
My background (all laid out in my blogposts) is that I have a very high conflict narcissistic BM, I call Toxic Troll. She seems to enjoy the drama and creates drama when she can, where she can, because she can (50/50 custody). We have 5 long years to deal with her. Historically, she has told DH she hopes he dies, she used to beat on him and scream and break things, has passed out in her own puke, peed herself, beat the eldest (also disordered) in front of the youngest. She is a pathological liar, to boot. Toxic Feral Eldest Check Forger is a mini-version of Toxic Troll Bm. So I can relate to your sitch.
Oddly, the youngest, Munchkin, has turned out relatively sane, considering her mother is craay craay, sister is a sociopath, and all that.
I refuse to live with Toxic Feral Eldest. She has started forging checks recently! Took $1,600 worth of cash and checks apparently. Tried to blame momees boyfriends (yeah, but how did your signature happen on the backs of these checks? Oh! Yes! They are forgers too!). Toxc Feral tried asking dadee a few times - his response is that things arent different, and she has basically burned bridges. He told her she has to talk to me first - and she refuses! LOL. Good riddance of rubish, she made her choices.
You are making huge mistakes
You are making huge mistakes by ENABLING these adults. What will they do when they've bled you dry or you and your H pass away? A personality disorder is not a death sentence. Plenty of disordered adults manage their issues with meds, therapy, etc. They work, live independently, and handle their business. Your H's kids are ADULTS; their issues are their own, and they should not be living with you.
My DH has two disordered adult daughters, one of whom is BPD. He would never, ever allow either to live with us or off of us. He knows that to do so is to invite chaos into our lives.
It sounds as if guilt and emotion are steering your ship, and this never produces a positive outcome. Please seek out counseling for yourself and your H, just as you would if you were dealing with an addiction problem. You both need help accepting reality, understanding where the boundaries should be, and to learn how to love without enabling.