Possibly some help with live in adult steps...
I have not written in several months. I am now married to my previous SO. For about a year, his adult daughter lived with us, from approximately 6/09-6/10. She was 19-20 years old at the time. She had already flunked out of college (to the tune of $20,000 plus) and enrolled in junior college after moving in with 'dear old dad'. Well she managed to blow another $2000 or so in junior college tuition by not attending classes and/or withdrawing from classes. To this day we don't know if she has any college credits to her name! It was difficult during the time she lived with us. As I am a biological mother of 3...the oldest almost 19 and youngest 14, I am well versed (and learn everyday) about the teen years.
I was married to my ex husband (father of the bio kids) for almost 20 years. My 3 bio kids learned what was expected of them...get an education, work hard, make something of yourself. We, Mom and Dad would help with college as much as possible, but they have to bring home the grades to keep the money coming and also need to work part time for their spending money. That was the way I was raised and I raised my kids the same. It was somewhat shocking to live with the SD for a year....20 years old, never had a job, flunked or dropped out of college with Dad footing the bill. Up all night, sleep a good portion of the day, etc. You all know the drill.
She lived with us a little over a year and never did a chore, etc. One day I inspected the bathroom that she used. It was filthy. I spent a lot of time cleaning it and then posted a sign on the bathroom door that said I had cleaned the bathroom and expected it to stay the same on a weekly basis. I also wrote in the sign that contrary to what she may believe, her father was not supporting me, as I had invested my own money in our home and it was equally my house as well as her father's house. She was gone in a week...moved in with her mother, who had previously called her evil and would not live with her. I am glad mom and daughter made amends with each other, as she is out of my life on a daily basis. It seemed Dad was not strong enough to take a stand with her, although for the previous months I had been driving myself and my SO, now hubby crazy with the irritation of this sponge...his daughter.
A few months after she left...(we still have a lot of her stuff here, which I have taken upon myslef to sort and pack) I decided to snoop and find out more about the financial situation. I had already known about the student loans. I found out that Daddy was funneling anywhere from 450-500 a month into her debit account. In the meantime he was paying her student loans, her credit card bill that she had run up to the tune of 2500.00 plus, providing her room and board, paying for car insurance,giving her a car and paying for her cell phone bill. Not sure why she would have needed all that money when all her bills were already being paid.
When I found all this out I wanted to kick myself for putting money down and providing for households needs for the prior year. I wasn't sure how to tell DH what I came up with financially without seeming like a snoop, etc. Well, that evening he came home from work and I laid it all out for him. I expected him to fly into a rage...it never happened! Instead he thanked me for my research (snooping)! I was extremely relieved. We worked together to come up with a plan to give the SO money until she turns 21 (this June) and then the buck stops here. The SO is aware of the situation. She has had foot surgery in the last several months and is now using that as her current excuse for not working, as she is supposed to have another surgery for her other foot. It is always something with this young woman.
My husband is still stuck paying off her student laon, upwards to $28,000. If he doesn't pay, it would ruin his credit rating, as he can't count on his daughter.
Sorry this is so long. I guess I just want to send the message that there possinbly is hope for the 'failure to launch''entitled' youth/young adults in our society. The solution is laying it on the line and practicing tough love. I really believe that. I read what is on SD FB page and a while back she was ranting and raving that she only got so much money a month, etc. She gets over twice the monthly amount than my bio daughter gets...yet, my bio is a full time student at a good university and also holds a part time job. She is also 2 years younger than the stepdaugher.
I hope this may be some help to those that are struggling with the same issues. Maybe give you some ideas in your own situation. If I had known I could get SD out of here with a simmple note on the bathroom door, I would have done it months earlier! Ironically, I think DH is much happier with her not living with him/us.
We have a similar situation
We have a similar situation here but in our case, my daughter still lives at home (age 25). She had a job as a pharmacy technician but lost it when she had her first attack of a genetic metabolic disease that she inherited from me. Since she could not work, my wife and I paid for her to attend a community college to take a few courses for her to get an idea what being a full time student was like. My daughter had another attack during this semester and will either be taking incomplete grades or talking to her professors about making up the work she missed while in the hospital. But that is not our real problem.
The real problem is that my wife has a 19 yr old daughter, my SD, who has a very difficult mental illness known as borderline personality disorder. We have a 3 bedroom home and the SD had moved in with my wife's ex about 8 years ago. That left us with one BR for us, one for my daughter and one for my younger 15 yr. old SD. I told my wife it would be a disaster to allow her to move in with us since we did not have room. However, older SD said she would follow house rules and share a BR with her younger sister. That lasted about 2 months.
She has attempted suicide 3 times. Once before moving in with us (while here on summer visitation) and twice since moving in. She causes pure and total chaos and has brought my wife and I near divorce (I have never divorced before - my first wife of 26 years died of a heart attack in 2000). My wife believes every single lie told to her by the mentally ill (MI) SD. The MI SD uses fear, obligation and guilt to get everything she wants. My wife's ex has not paid a single medical bill (that was in the court order) for several years and we have to take him to court each time he refuses to pay and the legal bills are higher than anything the judge ever gives us.
In the interim, the MI SD was going to cosmetology school to learn to cut and style hair. Again the ex has not paid a cent to help with her $700 a month school fees and she has dropped out twice. We are not even sure they will allow her to return due to her mental issues. This has taken its toll on the entire family. My wife did not even realize the severity of the situation until the younger SD said that unless her older sister did not move out she was going to live with the ex, her father. Then, since this fact came out there has been a rush to buy either a house or condo to put the MI SD into. My wife got an insurance settlement and wants to invest the money in a property; however, everyone else has told me this is not a good idea to put the MI SD into an investment property because she cannot keep her own room clean let alone handle a house. Then we would be stuck with the mortgage payments for the next 30 years with no income on the property until MI SD finds a job and/or moves out to live on her own and we can rent to a family.
My wife has started lying to me and hiding financial transactions from me. Recently, my wife bought a plane ticket for some guy the MI SD met while in Florida. My wife also lied to me about applying for a part time job that would take her away from the house 2 weekend nights per month forcing me to have more contact with the MI SD. I mentioned this to my wife and was told that since I am disabled, she is the "breadwinner" in the house and she should be able to do something that makes her happy like teaching nights part time on weekends in the city. Between the total 8 weekend days where I have a chance to be with my wife and do things with her, 2 are going to be lost to this part time job and several others will be lost to her taking my 2 SD shopping.
We started marriage counseling but my wife cannot seem to let anything go. If I did something that upset her years ago it seems to keep coming back over and over again. This leaves me feeling like she can't forgive anything, not matter how small. I feel like we are sliding backward into a black hole and that she has picked up many of the mentally ill symptoms of the MI SD.
How do I manage to get along with a MI SD? How do I get my wife on the same page with respect to forcing the MI SD to follow house rules? I favor boundaries and consequences for violating the boundaries. But my wife won't stick with any rules we have.
Sorry for the long vent and I hope someone understands and answers with some helpful advice.