What would you think...
Forums:
if an almost 20 year old (SO's daughter) who lives with us, left the house at 1:45 am, picked up by someone and came back at 5:30 am? No prior information to dad about this adventure. I happen to wake up on the couch, see almost 20 year old leaving the house. SO was sleeping next to me at the time. I thought maybe she was getting something out of her car, but she didn't resurface until 5:30 am. Anybody else think this is weird?
Even though she's almost 20,
Even though she's almost 20, she lives in your house, you have a right to ask her what she was doing.
In my mind (and experience with SS16) - going out at those times - sex, booze, drugs. It's kind of funny - my Grandma used to say this and it drove me nuts, now that I am SM and BM - it sticks:
Anything going on after 10 or 11 pm at that age is usually no good.
LEAVING the house at 1:45am?
LEAVING the house at 1:45am? Nothing good can comes from LEAVING the house at 1:45am- PERIOD.
This KID is not even 20. WHO picked her up? She didn't say she was leaving- she just LEFT. And she came back in at 5:30am? It's probably not good, whatever it was.
Anyway, are there RULES for her curfew? Does she have any? I don't care if she's over 18- if she's living under your roof, what are the rules of your house?
If there are none, then sadly, you can't say squat.
In our home, when our SD (almost 20) comes home from college, she still abides by our rules. She may not LIKE them, but if she wants to use OUR car and OUR gas, then she'll abide by them!
Tough noogies!!!
Also, I guess I'm spoiled. We have security on all our doors. No one leaves or comes in without us hearing it, even if they DID want to TRY and leave without us knowing!
"If there are none, then
"If there are none, then sadly, you can't say squat."
You can't say anything about breaking curfew - but you still can say squat. At almsot 20, she should know that leaving at 1:45 am is a no no.
Who says she should know
Who says she should know this? If dad doesn't set rules or hasn't set rules in the past, and there are no consequences for leaving the house at 1:45am, then HOW is she supposed to know it's wrong?
Believe it or not, these things need to be TAUGHT- and reinforced. And if they are not, then it can't just be ASSUMED they are a GIVEN.
For MATURE, rational human beings, one would THINK it's assumed...
But you know what they say about 'assuming' things!
And it starts...
And it starts...
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
It could be innocent. My son
It could be innocent. My son is 19, and sometimes his friends or even his older brother get "ditched" or stranded, or have too much to drink and can't drive. He sometimes leaves the house to give his friends a ride home. I am not saying thats the case, obviously, she got picked up, but you never know. Just ask her.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. SMofknowitall...i understand where you are coming from, but also think it is a respect issue to inform those we live with our comings and goings. Just a respect thing...can we expect you for dinner? etc. What time do you expect to be home tonight? Certainly a safety thing as well. Also, unfortunately she is not gainfully employed, has never had a job and has wasted 2 years of college. Possibly only having about 9 credit hours at this point. We are not even sure. That is a story in itself.
I agree, our house, our rules....when I was that age that was the deal. Although I didn't like it, I knew my folks meant business...for my safety as well as respect for them.
Now4teens...there are no curfew rules at this point. SO needs to get on the ball for sure and I have been working toward this goal with him for quite awhile...Mostly regarding the daughter be accountable for what she says and be able to prove what she says is the truth. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with cancer last fall and has his own battles, but is doing well despite the treatments, etc.
I could go on and on about untruths etc. I will save that for a later post. I really haven't thought that drugs were an issue with her at all. And, I don't want to jump to that conclusion, but I feel it is strange that she just disappeared into the night, without telling her dad. Where is her respect for him if she has a legitimate reason?
I have also considered the idea of she or a friend is in dire need of a good long talk...well today there are so many options...cell phone, landline phone...IM on computer. In today's world it is easy to connect at any hour. Even so, if those options wouldn't work, she could have at least woken dad and let him know why she was leaving at 1:45 am.
I have 3 bio teens of my own. Unfortunately they do not live with me, although my almost 18 year old stays here alot. I just don't get the latest with his daughter. My kids are accountable and my ex and I communicate often about what they are doing and where they are. I feel that is my job as a parent, whether they live with me or not. Who will get the call in the middle of the night if something horrible has happened?...mom and dad. At the very least I want to know where they are or where they say they are going to be. I believe it is disrespectful to slink out in the middle of the night, no matter how old you are...more importantly when a parent is paying all your bills and the child has not made a hearty attempt to go forward into young adulthood.
I hope it's not drugs and I hope it was not a sex thing. I hope she was helping out a friend or a friend was helping her...meaning a late night talk. But again, to leave the house is weird. I have heard her talk on the phone many times at all hours of the night...so this is new caper.
Thanks for all your responses. This forum helps me a lot. Any suggestions welcome. I am really trying to figure this young person out, I just can't seem to get there yet.
Mom of Busy Lizzie,Terr Bear and of course Mr. Joe!
Now4teens....I don't get it
Now4teens....I don't get it either. Love your line about Carol Brady!!! You are absolutely right...don't assume they will know the rules. I am going to discuss this and show So this thread.
Whew! Ok, I didn't want to be
Whew! Ok, I didn't want to be the one to bring up the sex or drugs, but of course those were the first two things that popped up into my head.
Certainly, one would think it would be appropriate to mention to the adults in the house that you are leaving. That's only common courtesy and respect, as far as I'm concerned. But if your SD was never taught it, then maybe she doesn't know any better. (I don't know the circumstances in your DHs family).
I'm sorry to hear about your DHs health issues, but this issue with your SD has to be a separate one from his issues. And it can be done with your help! Draft a simple "House Rules" and include 8-10 bullet points that are important in your mind for your family, such as:
*minor family members must let parents know general whereabouts before leaving the house
*minor family members must return home before __ o'clock or call
My SD used to challenge us all the time once she turned the "magic 18." She used the "you don't trust me" line on us all the time. It's not about TRUST. It's about CARING and LOVE.
When DH or I leave the house, we tell each other EXACTLY where we're going and when we'll be back. When DH travels, he gives me his itinerary, complete with hotel information and flight info. Is it because I don't TRUST him? No! It's because I love and care about him dearly and want to make saure he's SAFE!
And if it's good enough for us, as 42 and 50-yr-old ADULTS, we darn well expect the same for our CHILDREN!
Thank you all! I'm really
Thank you all! I'm really appreciate all of your suggestions. Am going to print this out for SO, daughters dad, so he knows I am not the only person that feels the same. He just seems to have a hard time stepping up to the plate with his daughter. Maybe that should be a red flag to me.
Again, thank all of you!!!!