Responsibilities
Grab a cup of tea and have a seat... you may be here a while. I have a 21 year old SS, a 15 year old BD and an 8 year old BS, all live with DH and I. SS moved in with us last September. His BM and SD kicked him out. He has told us that they kicked him out because they didn't approve of him joining the military and problems with his younger sister. DH and I don't know what BM and SD's side is because they won't speak to us. Anyway, I am a SHM and my BD & BS are in school. My SS does not work. He's in the National Guard and only works one weekend a month with that. He was originally suppose to ship out in June. Recently he was sent out of state for a 3 week training thing in preparation for shipping out. Once he came back he told us there had been a change and that he wouldn't be shipping out in June. Now it will be at least October or so. He has some legal problems that are apparently causing problems with his military career. Before he came to live with us he was facing legal problems and ended up on probation and required to complete community service. He has warrants out for him from a car accident a year or two ago. He now has a ticket he hasn't paid here for no insurance. Back in October or so, he used DH's truck to go back to his hometown for court and got 2 parking tickets. He came back and didn't say anything to us about it. We found out when we received a notice in the mail. DH confronted him about it and he said he would pay it the next week when he went back down there. A couple of months later, DH received a notice in the mail that there were warrants out for his arrest for not paying the tickets. (Even tho SS was using the truck... the parking tickets are issued to the owner of the vehicle.) SS says that DH told him he'd pay it. (Tickets started out at $14... we ended up paying $180!) SS stays up late every night and sleeps away most of the day. He will not pick up after himself. He sleeps on the couch because we live in a small house and don't have another room for him. He leaves dishes out, clothes out, his blanket, etc. We have tried telling him that he is responsible for keeping the living room clean. He doesn't bother with it. We told him and my BD that if I cook, they clean and vice versa. It worked a couple of times. A few nights ago I cooked and he didn't bother to clean. The next day I cleaned it. That night he cooked and DH told me to leave the kitchen and let him clean it. So I did.... for 2 days! Finally this morning I told him AGAIN that he needed to clean it... and specified that it meant the stove and counters needed to be cleaned also and any dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher were to be washed by hand. I also told him to clean the living room. He loaded the dishwasher and left a dirty plate on the counter, the counters and stove are filthy. He didn't touch the living room at all. I was in my room and after he "finished" he left the house. This is an on-going battle with him. A while back we locked the wireless internet when he didn't clean. All 3 kids were "grounded" from using the internet. The next morning SS got up and went an bought an aircard (basically bought his own internet). I had to stick to the grounding of my two kids. My kids aren't stupid, they know he's getting away with not helping. Daughter was told over a month ago to clean her room. She didn't do it. I went in yesterday and boxed everything up. Told her she could slowly earn things back by proving to me she could keep things done. She then told me that it's not fair that she goes to school all day and then comes home and has to do chores and if she doesn't do it I ground her, yet SS lays around and does very little if anything and doesn't get punished. I had another mom suggest I make a chore chart for all three kids and incorporate homework and reading assignments for the younger two and more chores for SS. I need opinions and ideas... Also, if I do this chore chart... how do I "award and punish" for shores completed or not completed by my SS?
heis 21. screw the chore
heis 21. screw the chore chart. kick his ass out.
DH refuses to kick him out.
DH refuses to kick him out. My hands are tied there.
not really. you own the
not really. you own the house too? why is DH in charge only.
that is ridiculous behavior. the problem is not just your SS, the problem is your DH.
stop cooking the kid meals. cook for your kids. nothing for him. dont do his laundry. ever. get a removable plug for the tv and the internet. take it with you.
make him pay rent.
but mostly, kick your DH in the ass.
There are underlying issues
There are underlying issues as to why DH refuses to kick him out, and I understand that. I don't specifically cook him dinners... I cook for the family as a whole. I NEVER do his laundry. DH has mentioned as a "punishment" telling SS that his electronics are not allowed in the house. Other problems that I am having with SS are that he "dotes on" my daughter. Always wanting to hang out with her, cook dinner and desserts together, etc. He very rarely spends time hanging out with his little brother. He will even buy snacks, etc and share them with his sister but not his brother. The other night he and my daughter made some no-bake cookies. We were all at the dinner table having just finished eating dinner. SS turned to DH and told him there were cookies and did he want one. DH said no, that he was full. My son said he wanted one and SS told him no, that they needed to be put in the fridge to thicken up more. They ended up sitting out overnight. I understand that there is a 13 year age difference between SS and my son and that can account for him not wanting to "hang out" with him, but I think there's more to it... like he's jealous. However, it's not fair to my son for him to treat him like that.
This type of laziness is
This type of laziness is quite common in young adults. I have a 26 year-old SD who would rather not eat than wash dishes . . the only chore she has and there are only three of us. In your case your DH needs to sit down and have a long chat with his son. He needs to set boundaries, and expectations and be firm. He needs to know that if he can't abide by your rules, he needs to find a new place to live. How can you teach your other children responsibilites when SS gets away with doing what he wants to do? Which happens to be nothing. It's also showing a lack of respect to you and DH because he's not following the house rules. I think the chore list is a good idea. The cookie thing was an intentional act of rudeness, and your DH should have called SS out on it. But men have a tendency to turn the other cheek when it comes to their kids, and it's worse with daughters. I'd discuss that issue with him as well. Good luck!
UPDATE: I ended up setting
UPDATE: I ended up setting up a chore list for all 3 kids (SS21, BD15 & BS8). So far it has gone pretty well. The two older kids share the responsiblities in the kitchen. One will unload and load the dishwasher and then handwash any remaining dishes, while the other will put away/dispose of any leftover food and wipe down counters/stove/table. Each night they switch... that way it's even and fair for both. BS8 is responsible for taking out the trash and sweeping the floor. In their shared bathroom, SS21 cleans the toilet and bathtub, BD15 cleans the mirror and counter, and BS8 takes out trash and sweeps the floor. BS is also responsible for feeding and watering the animals. Then, BS8 & BD15 clean their rooms; SS21 is responsible for cleaning the living room every day (includes sweeping & mopping). We told SS21 his punishment for not completing his chores is that his electronics will be "banished" from the house for a certain number of days. BD15 & BS8 will be grounded from computer use/cellphone... or other punishment. Also, with the older 2 in the kitchen... if one of them does not complete their kitchen responsibilities they will do ALL for the next 2 days. We have been following this for approximately 2 weeks now. SS21 decided to test us and did not clean the toilet for several days and then skipped a day on cleaning the living room. He was getting ready to go out one night and I told him that when he got back, his electronics were to leave the house for 2 days. He started to argue and I explained that it could be longer than 2 days. So, for the next 2 days he followed the punishment. Then both older kids tested us with the kitchen at two different times. Each time, the one that didn't complete their chore was made to do all for the next two days. So, so far so good. I'm not stupid, I know they are going to test us and that is fine. Now, my latest issue with SS21 has to do with my BS8. BS8's 9th bday is this coming Friday. Every year since my BD15's 1st bday, I have been the one to bake or order the birthday cake. This has ALWAYS been my thing for my kids. DH understands that this is something I enjoy doing. About 3 weeks ago SS21 mentioned that a friend of his (several hours away) bakes and decorates cakes and that he could probably get her to do one for my son. I told him that I appreciate the offer but that I would prefer to handle it. This friend lives about 2 1/2 hours from here, I don't know how well she is at baking and decorating, and I have already discussed with BS8 what kind of cake he'd like. Anyway, about a week ago, SS21 mentioned it again. Again, I said thanks but no thanks. Well, yesterday morning SS21 texted BD15 (we all live together) and asked her what kind of cake (cake flavor) my BS8 liked. She told him she didn't know and that he needed to call me. So, next thing I know, he calls me and asks me. I told him AGAIN, thanks but no thanks. He got pissy and hung up. I called DH and explained what happened. I was livid! I had told him on two previous occasions that I did not want his friend doing the cake... that I am going to take care of it. DH said something to him (I have no idea what ws said). Ever since then SS21 has been rude and inconsiderate towards me. Was I wrong in putting my foot down on this???