Responsibility to SC

Forums:

I am not only SM but a SD. My question is my father are somewhat estranged. I have tried to have a relationship but it has struggled due to my being SM and him not agreeing with his daughter putting herself in the situation, and him having drug/alcohol issues, etc. The other day my father got admitted into the hospital for a large boil that they were going to have to do surgery on, and I found out through Facebook. I called my SM and she explained the situation and told me they had put him on morphine which could make him have a relapse. I don't know if she knows the extent of how bad his prior use was and the fact that he shouldn't have morphine and all pain killers should be strictly monitored. I personally feel that my SM should have notified me that my father was in the hospital no matter mine and his relationship. I was just wondering others opinions on letting grown SC know what is going on with the BM or BF, and if you believe it should depend on how close the relationship etc.

We are estranged but it is

We are estranged but it is neither my fault nor his. He had a drug issue and wasn't there for part of my childhood. I started to rebuild a relationship and during our rebuilding he had a relapse. I have reached out multiple times. I even went to have dinner with him a couple of weeks ago knowing I was going to be told how he doesn't agree with my life. I have reached out it is just with his current condition it is very difficult to try to rebuild again.

As for mine and her relationship we are not close but it is mutual. I have called just to check on her before, I have defended her to a lot of the family especially since she has stood next to my father even with him being a addict. I try to treat her how I hope my SS will treat me when he grows up - I have never said a crossword to her and may not be close but would do anything for her just as I would my father if it came down to it.

both my sd's have repeatedly

both my sd's have repeatedly ignored their dad when he was hospitalized. Hit by a car while crossing a street, 2 full weeks in a hospital and 2 surgeries from which he almost lost his leg....NADA! He finally texted them after surgery they said they were "busy". Neither girl acknowledged my emails either or asked how our kids were or me or anything. Funny neither one worked a job either....so ok, next time they will know nothing. even if it was so bad that his life was in danger they would hear about it when and if I wanted to tell them.

They suck, and it was almost 7 years ago and they act like nothing they do is wrong. But karma will prevail and someday when it is too late they will realize they squandered a chance to have a relationship with an amazing person. I know divorce is hurtful and parents remarrying and having more kids fuels jealousy, however, when does one decide to be a decent human and deal with their own issues? Probs never..

"I personally feel that my SM

"I personally feel that my SM should have notified me that my father was in the hospital no matter mine and his relationship." If you had a decent relationship with your Dad and SM she probably would have notified you. But think of where she is. She probably knows you are estranged from your Dad. A boil does not usually make a person lose consciousness, so why didn't your Dad say, "Call sbm014?" SM most likely knows your feelings for her which do not appear favorable so she's in a no-win situation. Let's put it this way: What if you had a boil and were sent to the hospital, you had prior drug problems, and you were estranged from your Father. Who is going to notify your Dad? Do you think you husband should call your SM? And does your husband have the right to tell a doctor to refrain from giving you a pain killer if you are suffering?

If I was in your SM's shoes, DH could call SD if he wants her to know. I'm like a lot of other SMs on this site. In case of sommething serious I would notify SD only after I knew the house was secured.

I put in another post it was

I put in another post it was more than just a simple boil and I am not going to go into the details. I am not fully blaming her. If I was in the hospital my husband knows I would want my father to know....I don't want to be estranged it is just hard to build a relationship with his current mental state. And I would hope that my husband would have my well being in mind if I had prior drug issues and not say don't give her anything but would make sure the right caution was used.

This stuff is so tough. I

This stuff is so tough. I tried to tell my SD's their dad was in the hospital and they did nothing but curse at me. He should have called them himself, how dare I call....blah blah blah. However,it sounds like you and SM have a civil relationship.

Let's look at this from another perspective. Boils are not life and death. Sometimes they show up on your rear end and need lanced. It is very , very, very painful. Even former addicts get narcotics for pain. It just is documented and monitored. He will have less pain after it is lanced. Boils can also be very embarrassing for some people to announce to everyone they have. It could have been all of the above. I know lots of people who wouldn't announce to everyone they were hospitalized for one. Wouldn't want to bother anyone or like I said earlier, are kind of embarrassed. (not that I think there is a reason to be embarrassed but you know how we all are.)

I think if you got the point across to Step Mom to make the docs aware of his previous drug abuse history that is all that needed said.

Good luck to all of you! Sounds like you are all making real effort to get along.

I understand it can be

I understand it can be embarrassing - but as I've said in this case other test were being done because of his profession.

I am going to wait until after everything calms and try to have a conversation with her. I don't know if she made it clear about his past nor do I know if she knows the full extent of his drug history.

Like I said I do try to make a effort because my SS is young and I would want him to be cordial with me as he grows up and setting the example is a good way to help try to make sure that happens.

I also am not fully trying to blame her just getting opinions on what people think the role of communication is as a SP to adult children.

I agree with WTIH! I am a SM

I agree with WTIH! I am a SM and was a SD too for a few years.

I don't think OP should talk to SM rather mention to her dad to contact her next time and if he is incapacitated DAD should inform SM of his wishes to contact her. It is not up to the SM to call for something that is not an immediate life threat.

Just my opinion of course.

I am going to have a talk.

I am going to have a talk. Like I've said I want the best for everyone and was not trying to soley blame her. My phone is always open and when I go to pick up my husband from the airport (he works offshore) I try to have dinner with them. I know how as a SM I would have probably handled it but I know each SM and SF is different.

I guess it is also hard on me because my mother remarried and my stepdad is closer to me than my real dad and he has always let me know what is going on not only with my BM but also my stepbrothers and sisters as we are close.

He refuses to go to meetings saying he can handle it himself but like I said I am still trying to work things out - I just don't want my SM experience to feel insulting to my SM when I bring it up...hence why I was trying to get other opinions.

Thank you!

If you read I am not angry. I

If you read I am not angry. I was simply upset and it was because of a needle from an animal he was working on got lodged into him. There was possibility of other issues and I don't know his state of mind. I still havent heard anything. I am not mad at her nor my father I just know how I would handle it with my SS and wanted to hear others experiences I not trying to say she was in the wrong just wanted multiple opinions.

Many skids consider the new

Many skids consider the new wife as nothing to them. Since that is the case in many instances, then they also should not be the one expected to call. Imagine the man being single and who would notify you then.

sbm014, if you haven't heard

sbm014, if you haven't heard anything....did you try calling him and saying "hey dad, how are you and how did you make out with those tests they were running on you?".

I have attempted to call - no

I have attempted to call - no answer, sent a text no response, even tried calling SM to cordially see how the whole situation is going and her phone was off which means either dead or she gave it to him and he lost it. Other family member seem as oblivious as I am to how he is.

At this point I am trying to focus on my life and try to put the situation aside for a couple days so that it doesn't seem like I'm trying to invade to much, or act angry...because all I want is information. I want the relationship with both of them and have tried but I know this is a hectic time anyways and I don't want to cause to much stress.

I think you have done all the

I think you have done all the right things then. There is not much more you can do. You are smart to focus on your own life right now. Maybe a card in the mail as some people haven't figured out how to retrieve voice mail and texts on their phones. (I know quite a few people like that!)

I don't disrespect mine. I

I don't disrespect mine. I have as said above try to treat her the way I want to be treated by my SS. I live almost three hours away from them and as above people say they worry about having to secure the house before letting SC know stuff - I don't want to give her that impression or make her feel undermined by me showing up unannounced that's just rude

I am a SM and I have a SM.

I am a SM and I have a SM. She and I had a good relationship. We still do. There wasn't any of the crazy crap that we read about here. I guess times were just different back then, lol.

My dad suffered from illness off and on in the years before he passed. My SM was told what she could and could not share with us by my dad. However, if she felt that we needed to know something important, she would tell us immediately, even if it meant going against him. Other than that, she would give us regular basic updates by phone weekly. (My dad was good at sugar coating his health issues which I think all parents do with their kids .)

As a soon-to-be former SM, unless it was something really life altering.... bad accident, terminal illness, etc. I wouldn't have told the SK's anything. Aside from it not being their business, any information would be immediately shared with BM, who would then create drama for us.

Perhaps, they both feared that by telling you, it would cause undue stress between you, b/c of his past drug abuse issues?? Maybe your stance on how he should be medicated is a sore subject and made it a more difficult situation for your SM. Or as you say, she may not even be aware of the totality of his NA and so wasn't working with all of the information needed to make a judgement call for your dad. Surely, she can't be blamed for any of this. Your dad is a grown up and he wasn't in a life/death struggle where he was unable to tell you anything himself. Listen, we all want someone to blame at times, and it's obvious that you are worried about your dad's sobriety but, I don't think your SM had any obligation to you in this situation. Cut her some slack. Maybe ask your Aunt to give you a heads up before she posts personal health info. on FB. Sorry, just my opinion.

Best of luck and I hope that your dad gets through this w/o too much pain.

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