"DH, I'm sure you'll come up with something wonderful for SD for her birthday. What would you like for dinner/how was work/what did you think of that movie?"

That lets your DH know that you aren't doing it while also be encouraging.

I feel bad for him. I feel like I’m putting him in the middle, making things difficult for him but it’s her actions which have led me to this!!

Don't feel bad for your H. Is he feeling bad for how his daughter is treating you? Is he standing up for you and letting her know that she is to be at least cordial with you?

You have disengaged and he can do all the foot work & parenting that he should be doing anyway. Your conscience is clear and you have done all that you can. If she has a strained relationship with her half brother that's on her. Do not take on any burdens that are not yours to carry. She's old enough to be accountable for her own actions. Do not lose sleep over this.

Letting him deal with his own daughter and her birthday is not putting him in the middle.

Yeah, it's his daughter, he can get her a present. 

My sister has a 22-year-old daughter and a 38?-year old stepdaughter. Stepdaughter was welcoming and loving to her half-sister from day one and they still are close.

It can be done if the older one is not a selfish jerk, which your SD obviously is.  A mature 21-year-old would at least be nice to her younger half-brother just because he's a kid.

You are NOT putting him in the middle. You are bowing out and letting him deal with his daughter without your interference.  You are getting out of the way.

I have NOTHING to do with SS34.  But I NEVER badmouth him to DH.  And believe me I could make a snarky remark about him at least once or twice a day.  SS and the 3 year old grandson are DH's to deal with.  Nothing that I have any input into.

I don't know if DH thinks it will change someday or not.  I gave SS a couple of chances.  He blew it.  Two years ago I told DH to just keep him away from me.  I personally do not think that there is ANYTHING that SS could do that would make me accept him back into my life.  He could become a perfect human being - a hallowed saint - but I am DONE.  Not everyone who has crossed my path in life is worth keeping up with.

But that is me.  Your SD is younger.  Perhaps she will become a decent person that you allow back into your life.  But you don't know the answer to that today.

I know just how you feel. My DH does do the birthday and Christmas shopping for his kids. But in the last few years he gets whatever SD tells him to get—for her, her kids, DH’s siblings, etc. DH doesn’t have to think about anything because SD is “so good” at gift ideas. He’s just lazy. I’m happy to participate in gifts for non-skids, but there is not enough oxygen in the room for me to participate once SD has given him his orders.  

I have recently had to remind myself about disengaging. DH’s kids are cordial to me when we are together, and that’s all I should expect. I let my feelings get hurt about something, which tells me I need to double down on disengaging. I am just their dad’s wife, and that’s fine with me. 

Don't think of disengagement as putting him in the middle. If he hadn't married you, he'd be buying all her gifts anyway.

The only person with power to change a skid's attitude toward a stepparent is the biological parent. If he had demanded respect from her, she'd respect you. He let her off the hook, so that's on him. Don't feel sorry for him because he allowed her to treat you badly.

We disengage out of self preservation. She won't hurt because he bought her gifts instead of you. In fact, disengagement gives these skids exactly what they want: you out of the picture. Give it to her and don't look back!

And it is an "us vs. them" situation because your SD made it that way. It's unfortunate that she put all of you in two camps, but you can't change it. Her negativity trumps any positivity you brought to the marriage for one big happy family. You also can't make nor expect her to engage with your son, so put that out of your mind. She didn't ask for a SM nor a half brother, so it's unfair to expect anything but respect from her, and you're not even getting that. It's probably better she doesn't engage with your son while she's still being a snotty skid.

She has done you a huge favor. There does come a point when you say "I'm done," with it all...forever. It is a pivotal moment in your life and you will know when you get there.... 

Remember this,  you could never please her regardless of what you did for her, gave her, etc. etc. It is and always has been a waste of your time, money and emotion---for somebody who could careless about you. Your DH deserves nothing from you regarding his master piece either.  He is the problem.  You (removing yourself), is likely your only solution.

He created his angel, let him deal with her now.  These men procreate pieces of work, no doubt; their lack of parenting-a beacon to all whom know....

Why is it great that this toxic spawn who thinks nothing of you or her brother is in contact with your husband and son’s father?

There is nothing even remotely good about that, much less great.

I get it!  I understand your guilty feelings.  

I have been there, done that.  I no longer feel guilty.  It is difficult to break old habits with our DH's.  My DH is totally disabled, so I have to help him with shopping, errands, etc.  I never mention birthdays, Christmas, etc.  I leave it up to him to ask me to help out.  I never make a decision; he makes the decisions on what and when to buy.  I buy on line for him, on his credit card, and have the gifts delivered to their homes.  

The only gifts he sends now is Christmas and he goes cheap.  Now they know that I always took care of the special gifts and occasions.  But they never appreciated it, so now they get a cheap can of nuts or whatever he tells me to send.  

I never raised these disrespectful adults, so not my problem.  I feel guilty now and then for what it has become.  My guilt last less then 5 minutes now.  You will get used to it.  Like you noted here, this is results of how you are treated.  Take yourself out of this treatment. 

Stay here for support.  ((((hugs))))