caused even people who don't normally have "the blues" to have them.
Not being able to do something as simple as go to a concert, fly to a different destination for a change of scenery, or visit with friends the way you'd like to has been especially tough.
Others are out of job, or struggling with illnesses....then there's the stress the holidays tend to bring, especially in step family situations.
The drama in our family rises to unimaginable heights during the holiday season. It got so bad that I had major depression each December plus I usually get sick around then. I've cut way, way back on the interaction and that has helped a lot. I used to decorate, put up a tree, cook, host cookie parties, buy and wrsp gifts, make crafts, entertain and host overnight guests. At the same time I was working full time, attending night school and dealing with step drama. No wonder I was depressed.
I asked myself, what do I like about Christmas? I like my tree, I like to hear the music, I like my family in small doses. So, I quit everything else. The kids rotate hosting it and we give cash gifts. I have disengaged from SD so hear less drama altho there's still some. I still have the day with them all but I can stand a few hours and they all seem to enjoy catching up.. i havent had the big depressions the past couple years altho I still watch for them.
I used to love the holidays! My husband and I are empty nesters... sounds wonderful right? it is until I am required to have interaction with my skids. They don't acknowledge me, says hello or include me in any photos. I used to get upset and wonder "how can I fix this?" I have one son and he is polite and respectful to all (including his SF and step siblings). In years past, I would make a grand meal, arrange everyone their own bedroom decorated with a tree in each. I would make a tremendous effort to buy special and thoughtful gifts for all. My son and I were not allowed in "family" photos. (We have been together since 2007).
Last year, I decided I'd had enough! I didn't do it. I made no beds, bought silly gifts and the dinner was sub par for me. Interestingly, I have seen 2 of them since last Christmas (or even talked to them) and the other two, I only spoke with them because I want to spend time with my granddaughters so I called them. My skids are 29 boy, 29 girl, 27 girl, 25 girl. None are married or in relationships and three of them have daughters.
So, do I go back to my old ways of making Christmas magical at the expense of my pocketbook and feelings just to see my granddaughters?
I did cookies with whatever gkids (we have 9) were the right age. I enjoyed it for the most part altho it was hectic. Now I'm glad I did it, they all seem to recall it, even the ones I don't see often. In your case, I wouldnt automatically go back full mode. Just do the parts YOU feel like doing. If you enjoy doing the trees, for instance, do them. As I mentioned above, I like my tree so I spend a lot of time on it. I grew tired of shopping for special gifts for people who didn't appreciate them so we give cash. The exception is small kids and DH seems to like to shop once and get in the hustle bustle spirit. Once is enough for me. I'm done cooking meals that picky eaters don't enjoy, my last few celebrations were all prepared at my grocery store. Nowadays we chip in food/beverage $ for whoever is hosting. I sometimes feel guilty and wistful that we don't have the tv ad Christmases, ours are pretty raucous and offbeat but, hey, I'm in survival mode here and they do seem to enjoy seeing one another once a year. But what a relief when it's over!
I used to dread the holidays, they were always so forced for me once Spawn came to live with us full time. Pretending to be a happy cohesive family when we really weren't. Watching Spawn open gifts with her RBF and making sure to tall DH thank you, but never utter a word to me.
Trying to do fun things with the kids to create "happy memories" only to look back at photos and see Spawn sneering in almost every single one. The only time she ever smiled was when it was just her and DH.
Having family and friends over and Spawn acting put out because this wasn't "her family" and watching her pout because the attention wasn't all on her.
Sitting through dance performances where Meth Mouth and Grand Hag would sit right behind us or near us and make sh*t comments about my daughter and then gasp and coo over Spawn as she loped around the stage like a drunken gazelle.
The first year we had the holidays minus Spawn were the first time in so many years I actually enjoyed them and wanted to keep celebrating.
I have always struggled to comprehend why people get all depressed over kids/skids being with the other part of their family, ILs, living their own lives, etc... My DW and I have been far from family any of number of times over the holidays and had a great time. We call family, catch up, express our love, then get back to enjoying each other or friends that we may be celebrating with.
Life goes on gang. At least it always should. Family and holidays are important. Whether we are together with family or not. Sure, miss the ones who are not with us, but do not sacrifice our own joy and happiness because of their absence.
Just as importantly, do not tolerate anyone who would jeopardize our own happiness during the holidays or any other day for that matter.
Those who are additive to our lives and happiness should be embraced and relationships with them fostered. Those who detract must be kept at arms length and their toxicity minimized. If they become additive to our lives and happiness, then embrace them. Until then, don't lose sleep over their choices or let them engage in their misery in our our lives. They must earn relevance in our lives. We can and should care. We should not tolerate them to detract from our own lives.
Keep it simple and based on their quality and behavior. They get the place in our lives that they earn.
We stopped doing Christmas with DH's family after I hosted in 2009 and 2010. We used to rotate, but I got stuck doing two years in a row and the last one was the cherry on the sh!t sundae. It was a ton of work and $$$ for ME, all for people who didn't appreciate it. We even included BM1 and her H, that's how my crazy in-laws roll - anything for narc OSD.
My last straw was having OSD and her blended brood contribute the least while consuming and receiving the most. The arrangement was: everyone brought a side dish for the dinner buffet. Adults had drawn names for gifts with a $50 limit, kids under eighteen got presents. Around twenty-five people total. We (meaning me doing all the work) spent a fortune on gifts for the four teenage stepgrandkids and DH's two gskids (all from lists oh so thoughtfully supplied by OSD), and of course the other children present. Cheapskate OSD and her brood (6 kids, 2 adults) showed up promptly, a bag of chips their only contribution, and decended like locusts on the buffet. They ate the majority of the food, and guzzled the soda, beer, and wine. Later, while her brood was enjoying opening their piles of gifts, we discovered that OSD and her H had stiffed us in the gift exchange. I'd like to tell you that I spoke up, but DH and I just plastered on fake smiles and pressed on. That, and a few other things like SIL Druggie showing up two hours late put the last nail in the coffin for me. I took the Kick Me sign off the back of my shirt. Within the next year, I was fully disengaged.
That was horrible, I don't blame you. When I quit doing it, it wasn't as bad as yours, just years of exhaustion and depression. Now, i just show up wherever its being held, hand out my envelopes, try to enjoy what I can, drink a couple glasses of wine, try to get DH to leave then go home to my peaceful house and my beautiful tree.
I did my best for years, I don't regret that. Back in the day, the presents under the tree reached from one wall to the next with 5 kids and all these gkids. We would have a huge buffet, Santa would come, we would have houseguests for a week, the whole shebang. The flip side was my depression and exhaustion. At the time, I worked at a job with intense year-end activity plus I was going to night school. Just too much and I'm really glad I dialed way, way back.
I too wish you had called them out publically and asked them to return the gifts they received and leave.
Tolerance of crappy behavior, over time, is more irritating to me than the crappy behavior is. With my ILs I get to my limit and give my bride the choice of dealing with it, or having me deal with it. There is the occassional crap that I immediately confront. She is nonconfrontational, for the most part, except with me, but when she gets to the end of her rope it is game on and she will be very assertive and direct with people who need clarity.
We almost always make the pilgrimage to Skidville. Every now and then we make everybody mad and take a real vacation trip instead. This might have been a vacay year, but with the pandemic, we haven't seen any of our kids since last Christmas.
I've added a second anti-depressant if that tells you anything about my state of mind, and my anticipated state of mind for the near future.
Merry, I'm sorry to hear that things are so depressing. I know how you feel except that antidepressants don't work for me. Further, I'll be damned if I let the skids drive me to it! Was shocked that the DH agreed once to a vacay away from the spawn, but it was still moody blues hell, as he sulked the whole time. Blues occur because they all play hard to get.
Our holidays have gotten so much better. Since the skids live far away, my DH is tired that the roads only go one way to them. These middle-aged women are always conniving on how to get daddy away from me, especially for holidays. It hasn't worked for a long time.
But I remember the past years where I started to get that dread feeling in September. Just wondering what crap was going to come up.
I remember one of the first few years I had found these cute Christmas tree figurines and gave them to the SDs. They opened them and said "is that all?" They were in their 30's at the time.
Now each September, DH announces our plans for the holidays. We are staying home where it's warm. Every year. We are cooking a big meal. They are welcome to come.
They never do. They can't say they weren't invited. A week before Thanksgiving there will be a last attempt by one of the SDs to get him to cancel his plans and go to them. Doesn't work. Drama, guilt, BM, listening to gossip, snow, OR peace, fun and sunshine? Yeah, he's staying home.
I just don't understand this game these middle-aged women think is so much fun. Their self esteems must be so low that daddy picking them gives them validation. We could have all gotten along and had fun, but you can't do that with people who think they own daddy. Who knows.
I love the holidays! But I'm
I love the holidays! But I'm new to the step world and I do see how holidays brings out a lot of stress when it comes to the steps.
I think this year in general, and all that it has brought has
caused even people who don't normally have "the blues" to have them.
Not being able to do something as simple as go to a concert, fly to a different destination for a change of scenery, or visit with friends the way you'd like to has been especially tough.
Others are out of job, or struggling with illnesses....then there's the stress the holidays tend to bring, especially in step family situations.
So to answer your question. Yes.
I've dreaded the holidays for years
The drama in our family rises to unimaginable heights during the holiday season. It got so bad that I had major depression each December plus I usually get sick around then. I've cut way, way back on the interaction and that has helped a lot. I used to decorate, put up a tree, cook, host cookie parties, buy and wrsp gifts, make crafts, entertain and host overnight guests. At the same time I was working full time, attending night school and dealing with step drama. No wonder I was depressed.
I asked myself, what do I like about Christmas? I like my tree, I like to hear the music, I like my family in small doses. So, I quit everything else. The kids rotate hosting it and we give cash gifts. I have disengaged from SD so hear less drama altho there's still some. I still have the day with them all but I can stand a few hours and they all seem to enjoy catching up.. i havent had the big depressions the past couple years altho I still watch for them.
Holidays are looming
I used to love the holidays! My husband and I are empty nesters... sounds wonderful right? it is until I am required to have interaction with my skids. They don't acknowledge me, says hello or include me in any photos. I used to get upset and wonder "how can I fix this?" I have one son and he is polite and respectful to all (including his SF and step siblings).
In years past, I would make a grand meal, arrange everyone their own bedroom decorated with a tree in each. I would make a tremendous effort to buy special and thoughtful gifts for all. My son and I were not allowed in "family" photos. (We have been together since 2007).
Last year, I decided I'd had enough! I didn't do it. I made no beds, bought silly gifts and the dinner was sub par for me. Interestingly, I have seen 2 of them since last Christmas (or even talked to them) and the other two, I only spoke with them because I want to spend time with my granddaughters so I called them.
My skids are 29 boy, 29 girl, 27 girl, 25 girl. None are married or in relationships and three of them have daughters.
So, do I go back to my old ways of making Christmas magical at the expense of my pocketbook and feelings just to see my granddaughters?
Do what YOU like to do
I did cookies with whatever gkids (we have 9) were the right age. I enjoyed it for the most part altho it was hectic. Now I'm glad I did it, they all seem to recall it, even the ones I don't see often. In your case, I wouldnt automatically go back full mode. Just do the parts YOU feel like doing. If you enjoy doing the trees, for instance, do them. As I mentioned above, I like my tree so I spend a lot of time on it. I grew tired of shopping for special gifts for people who didn't appreciate them so we give cash. The exception is small kids and DH seems to like to shop once and get in the hustle bustle spirit. Once is enough for me. I'm done cooking meals that picky eaters don't enjoy, my last few celebrations were all prepared at my grocery store. Nowadays we chip in food/beverage $ for whoever is hosting. I sometimes feel guilty and wistful that we don't have the tv ad Christmases, ours are pretty raucous and offbeat but, hey, I'm in survival mode here and they do seem to enjoy seeing one another once a year. But what a relief when it's over!
I used to dread the holidays,
I used to dread the holidays, they were always so forced for me once Spawn came to live with us full time. Pretending to be a happy cohesive family when we really weren't. Watching Spawn open gifts with her RBF and making sure to tall DH thank you, but never utter a word to me.
Trying to do fun things with the kids to create "happy memories" only to look back at photos and see Spawn sneering in almost every single one. The only time she ever smiled was when it was just her and DH.
Having family and friends over and Spawn acting put out because this wasn't "her family" and watching her pout because the attention wasn't all on her.
Sitting through dance performances where Meth Mouth and Grand Hag would sit right behind us or near us and make sh*t comments about my daughter and then gasp and coo over Spawn as she loped around the stage like a drunken gazelle.
The first year we had the holidays minus Spawn were the first time in so many years I actually enjoyed them and wanted to keep celebrating.
I have always struggled to
I have always struggled to comprehend why people get all depressed over kids/skids being with the other part of their family, ILs, living their own lives, etc... My DW and I have been far from family any of number of times over the holidays and had a great time. We call family, catch up, express our love, then get back to enjoying each other or friends that we may be celebrating with.
Life goes on gang. At least it always should. Family and holidays are important. Whether we are together with family or not. Sure, miss the ones who are not with us, but do not sacrifice our own joy and happiness because of their absence.
Just as importantly, do not tolerate anyone who would jeopardize our own happiness during the holidays or any other day for that matter.
Those who are additive to our lives and happiness should be embraced and relationships with them fostered. Those who detract must be kept at arms length and their toxicity minimized. If they become additive to our lives and happiness, then embrace them. Until then, don't lose sleep over their choices or let them engage in their misery in our our lives. They must earn relevance in our lives. We can and should care. We should not tolerate them to detract from our own lives.
Keep it simple and based on their quality and behavior. They get the place in our lives that they earn.
IMHO of course.
We stopped doing Christmas
We stopped doing Christmas with DH's family after I hosted in 2009 and 2010. We used to rotate, but I got stuck doing two years in a row and the last one was the cherry on the sh!t sundae. It was a ton of work and $$$ for ME, all for people who didn't appreciate it. We even included BM1 and her H, that's how my crazy in-laws roll - anything for narc OSD.
My last straw was having OSD and her blended brood contribute the least while consuming and receiving the most. The arrangement was: everyone brought a side dish for the dinner buffet. Adults had drawn names for gifts with a $50 limit, kids under eighteen got presents. Around twenty-five people total. We (meaning me doing all the work) spent a fortune on gifts for the four teenage stepgrandkids and DH's two gskids (all from lists oh so thoughtfully supplied by OSD), and of course the other children present. Cheapskate OSD and her brood (6 kids, 2 adults) showed up promptly, a bag of chips their only contribution, and decended like locusts on the buffet. They ate the majority of the food, and guzzled the soda, beer, and wine. Later, while her brood was enjoying opening their piles of gifts, we discovered that OSD and her H had stiffed us in the gift exchange. I'd like to tell you that I spoke up, but DH and I just plastered on fake smiles and pressed on. That, and a few other things like SIL Druggie showing up two hours late put the last nail in the coffin for me. I took the Kick Me sign off the back of my shirt. Within the next year, I was fully disengaged.
That's horrible
That was horrible, I don't blame you. When I quit doing it, it wasn't as bad as yours, just years of exhaustion and depression. Now, i just show up wherever its being held, hand out my envelopes, try to enjoy what I can, drink a couple glasses of wine, try to get DH to leave then go home to my peaceful house and my beautiful tree.
I did my best for years, I don't regret that. Back in the day, the presents under the tree reached from one wall to the next with 5 kids and all these gkids. We would have a huge buffet, Santa would come, we would have houseguests for a week, the whole shebang. The flip side was my depression and exhaustion. At the time, I worked at a job with intense year-end activity plus I was going to night school. Just too much and I'm really glad I dialed way, way back.
I too wish you had called
I too wish you had called them out publically and asked them to return the gifts they received and leave.
Tolerance of crappy behavior, over time, is more irritating to me than the crappy behavior is. With my ILs I get to my limit and give my bride the choice of dealing with it, or having me deal with it. There is the occassional crap that I immediately confront. She is nonconfrontational, for the most part, except with me, but when she gets to the end of her rope it is game on and she will be very assertive and direct with people who need clarity.
I used to love the holidays.
I used to love the holidays. Now I dread them.
We almost always make the pilgrimage to Skidville. Every now and then we make everybody mad and take a real vacation trip instead. This might have been a vacay year, but with the pandemic, we haven't seen any of our kids since last Christmas.
I've added a second anti-depressant if that tells you anything about my state of mind, and my anticipated state of mind for the near future.
Merry, I'm sorry to hear that
Merry, I'm sorry to hear that things are so depressing. I know how you feel except that antidepressants don't work for me. Further, I'll be damned if I let the skids drive me to it! Was shocked that the DH agreed once to a vacay away from the spawn, but it was still moody blues hell, as he sulked the whole time. Blues occur because they all play hard to get.
Our holidays have gotten so
Our holidays have gotten so much better. Since the skids live far away, my DH is tired that the roads only go one way to them. These middle-aged women are always conniving on how to get daddy away from me, especially for holidays. It hasn't worked for a long time.
But I remember the past years where I started to get that dread feeling in September. Just wondering what crap was going to come up.
I remember one of the first few years I had found these cute Christmas tree figurines and gave them to the SDs. They opened them and said "is that all?" They were in their 30's at the time.
Now each September, DH announces our plans for the holidays. We are staying home where it's warm. Every year. We are cooking a big meal. They are welcome to come.
They never do. They can't say they weren't invited. A week before Thanksgiving there will be a last attempt by one of the SDs to get him to cancel his plans and go to them. Doesn't work. Drama, guilt, BM, listening to gossip, snow, OR peace, fun and sunshine? Yeah, he's staying home.
I just don't understand this game these middle-aged women think is so much fun. Their self esteems must be so low that daddy picking them gives them validation. We could have all gotten along and had fun, but you can't do that with people who think they own daddy. Who knows.
Yes, the dread feeling in
Yes, the dread feeling in early fall...know it well. Like clockwork! Sounds like your hubs has decided not to play the games.