Setting boundaries
I haven't seen my adult stepson in 5 months, and I told dh that I would be fine never seeing him again because of the lack of respect and lies he has perpetuated over the years which blew up in January with his wedding at my house. The last straws were:
1. I bought dss and his wife an early, extravagant Christmas present to "start new." When we did our formal gift exchange, they gave me NOTHING, not even a card. I know that dss buys all gifts the week of Thanksgiving, so it was planned to not get me anything, even though I gave them something they really wanted. He makes really good money and his parents also gave him a load of money for the wedding, which he saved money from since he had the wedding at our house.
2. While having their wedding at our house, they cornered dh to thank HIM and only him for letting them have the wedding at our house, even though I was the one who found the solution(s) for having the wedding at the house. I was standing within 3 feet of dh when they thanked him, and they refused to even look at me and to acknowledge all of the work I did.
3. They insisted on having flowers at the wedding that I am allergic to. When I objected, they went to dh who said, "ok" to the flowers, not knowing that I had already told them I am allergic to them.
4. DSS, actually, nothing dear about him, has done passive aggressive crap to me for the last 10 years. Over and over, I have tried to "kill him with kindness" but also call him out on his bad behavior. DH now tells me that my 22 yo dss is "scared of me," when it's really that he doesn't like being called out on his lies...like driving drunk and inviting friends over to our house to drink when he thought we weren't home. I could go on.
5. Neither dh or dss attended my son's college graduation. We all attended my daugter's graduation, and I even drove an extra 5 hours to get my son to dss's college graduation last year. Obviously, we are NOT one big happy family.
Anyways, I now refuse to participate in any family functions with dss. When I am paying for a family dinner or activity, he and his wife are not invited. Five months ago, I informed him of how hurt I was (about all of the above) and that I was "done." Since then, he has done NOTHING to show any remorse. He has not called me, sent me any communication of any kind...he doesn't care, so I told dh I don't care either, and I don't care to participate in any activities with him. I have had several family dinners and outings in the last 5 months, and dss has not been invited. Now, dh brings it up almost every day - he wants me to just act like we are one happy family, and he thinks I should start inviting dss over again. I said, "NO." I have had several conversations with him over the years, and he continues to lie to me and disrespect me at every opportunity. I cannot put up with this anymore. It may be the end of my 14 year marriage. :( #stepson #passiveaggressivebehavior #drunkdriving #disrespect #possibledivorce #tryingtomakeitwork
I banned my adult SS from my
I banned my adult SS from my life about 2 1/2 years ago. Best decision I ever made. In my case there is NOTHING SS could ever say or do that would make me change my mind.
Right now you have a DH problem. Not sure how to tell you to fix that. I do not ever bad mouth SS. I’ve told Dh that I know he loves him and that he is free to see him - just not in our home. All I ever said was “keep them away from me”. They being SS and his GF who had ransacked our home when we were on vacation.
I'm not the only one?!
Relief! DH is making me out to be some kind of monster that is stopping the love of our family. He is grasping at straws at this point. We have gone back and forth on the vacation that we have scheduled for next week. I told him that if he can stop bringing up the conversation about dss from this day forward, I will go on vacation with dh. If he cannot stop bringing it up (it's toxic to our marriage), then I told him we need to get a divorce. :( I have no idea what is going to happen, but I am sick to my stomach living in this gray zone.
"DH, if you want us to be one
"DH, if you want us to be one big happy family, then YOU need to get YOUR SON to treat YOUR WIFE - ME - with dignity and respect. I won't be walked all over. I will not make myself feel worse just to make you feel better. I'm disappointed that I mean so little to you that you'd expect me to be disrespected and hurt just so you can live in a fantasy that everything is okay. How is that fair to me? Why is it okay for me to be hurt? Either your son is an adult and responsible for his poor actions, or he is still a child and your poor parenting is resoonsible for his poor actions. Either way, it's not my problem. If you want it fixed, then address the poor behavior with your son. I'm not budging on this unless it's me walking out the door."
Your DH is the problem here.
Your DH is the problem here. He should have called out his son in front of you - "Thanks, son, but you should really be thanking Tryingtomakeitwork, she's the one who made sure you could have your wedding here."
"Son, why did you ask me about getting those flowers after your SM said she was allergic?"
"Hey son, next time don't show up without a gift for your SM - she bought you and wife that X, remember?"
I'm guessing your DH has been a passive wimp all of your marriage, letting his son walk all over you. My DH would not have let his son treat me like that, but you've put up with it and he's allowed it.
Now you are changing and he doesn't like it. Well, tough shit.
So spot on!
DH has divorce guilt AND because he was adopted, he has attachment issues because his son is his only blood relative. I don't even like the was dss treats dh. But you are so right on the responses he should have been saying all along. I though that when dss got out of the house and out of college, it would get better. I was wrong.
Your DH has taught him to
Your DH has taught him to feel special and entitled and now the damage is done.
totally agree
I was relieved to read that your husband prioritizes your marriage and sticks up for you. I'm divorced and currently year 3 into a new relationship with my partner and his 3 sons (8-12-14) we don't reside together yet. We're mid 40's. I've been noticing a theme that he also struggles with guilt and sometimes freezes in the face of disciplinary issues or is passive; often lacks follow-through but not always. He's often afraid to 'parent' his kids for fear of the Mom disapproving or the kids telling on him to her. I've been reading this forum on adult step kids and it seems this dynamic continues even after kids are finished high school. I have asked him if we live together would he have my back, stick up for me and not tolerate disrespect from his kids or over-dependence on him. He says yes, but I'm not convinced. He also said he'd have a hard time asking them to move out after high school. He didn't leave home until he was mid-20's so I fear history will repeat itself. I brought up my own daughter to be working through the summers, moved to university and never looked back and we remained close. Partner is also in debt about $17k and has bought braces for the middle kid and put that on credit... even though it seemed cosmetic. On the positive side, he is very kind, caring, supportive and we have lots of common interests. I just fear we will never be able to live together or at the minimum have to wait 10 more years till they're moved out. He has undermined me a couple of times and I often have to nudge him discretely to address misbehaviour. I take on the role of cool aunt for the most part and I don't do any direct disciplining but I do support him. I feel close to 2 of the 3 kids. It seems we all get along fairly decent but if I start to spend more than 3 visits/overnights a week during his week on it starts to become a nightmare. I guess my question to everyone is... can this passive, dad guilt, personality trait improve over time, with or without counselling, or should I accept the red flags and run like hell. It's like he doesn't respect himself enough to make the kids listen to him. Example, he tried to send his oldest to his room and the kid refused so he gave up.
Red Flags
There are enough red flags here to be concerned. You are in no rush to get married. Give it some time to see if the situation improves or gets worse. I can guarantee you it will be one or the other. Set a time limit so you are not wasting your time forever. Once you are married the dynamics change a lot as far as finances, respect, etc. Please don't make the mistake of tying the knot without being totally sure.
I have been married almost 29 years to a man like yours. If I hadn't been so afraid of being alone and fearful of divorce I would have left him a long time ago. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this doesn't look good.
I have not seen my OSD in
I have not seen my OSD in almost 4 years. She is in her mid 40's. She doesn't feel she did anything wrong because she feels she was justified in treating the family intruder SM as a second class citizen.
My Dh realized we were going to get a divorce with the way things were. DH could not see the underhanded crap his DD was doing, and got defensive when I pointed it out. But it hasn't stopped him from hoping we would all be a happy family, even though he knows I am not the one who is the barrier to that.
Your DH is unhappy because you are not allowing him to continue to live in denial with his head in the sand. You're supposed to play Mrs. Doormat to his Mr. Doormat. Tell him to get out two sheets of paper. On one, he needs to write down all the nice things you did for SS. On the other, he needs to write down what SS has done for you. Then question your DH why you should continue with that inequity.
Recently my DH tried to broker a "reconciliation" although OSD and I never had a relationship in the first place. I first asked DH why I would want OSD in my life after her previous behavior that she had no remorse about. Cue blank state. I then reminded DH that he can see his children on his own, they are adults so they are not on a visitation plan to daddy's house, and that healthy adults do not allow toxic people in their lives. He agrees his DD is toxic, but he says "that's just the way she is."
Fine, keep "that's the way she is" away from me!
Stand your ground
Instead of discussing the issue inform DH that it has been discussed and you are not going to discuss it further. Period. If he brings up SS (NOT DSS), just say, "Hmm" and change the subject. But do not back down from expecting DH to ensure SS respect you as his wife or SS is not welcome in your home.
I know this seems like a broken record but for 20 years I put up with the same thing from SD. Eight years ago SD had a meltdown and something inside of me snapped. I gave DH the option of working on the marriage or leaving - plus SD was not welcome in our home unless DH could inform her in my presence that she is to respect me in my own home. He's never had the courage to do so.
Like your DH, my DH is, as tog wrote, a wimp and always has been, and this has become sadly evident in other areas of our marriage. I have found that DH lacks the back bone to support me or defend me when I really needed it and I am seriously contemplating divorce from his last wimp-out episode.
You've been married to your DH for 10 years. You should always expect your DH to have your back, demonstrating to everyone, not only SS, that your and your marriage are his top priority. Ask yourself if he is supportive in other ways besides issues with SS. If you have noticed that he just hasn't been there when he should have been, you might want to ask if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man you will eventually be losing all resect for.
I'm so exhausted...
You are so right. I am losing respect for him. I told him that I couldn't believe that he was asking me to engage with someone who is so disrespectful and mean to me.
I actually asked him for a divorce in January, and he begged me to try to make it work, even going to counselling (something I've been asking him to do for 8 years and he refused.) He repeatedly told me he had no purpose if I left him, so I've been trying to make it work. However, I am coming to see that he just thought I would "forget" about what happened, and go back to giving dss yet another chance, and another and another and another...I can't do it anymore.
DH called me on the phone tonight and said he is cancelling our vacation scheduled for next week, and we would work out the divorce next week. Ugh. Divorce #2 may be upon me.
Sorry
So sorry to hear that DH chooses to sacrifice your marraige to placate rude, rejecting SS. But it is a choice he has made. Let him live with it. I never left DH because I was afraid of divorce #2. I was stupid.
If your DH sees all the nasty
If your DH sees all the nasty stuff that is done to you and still begs you to kowtow to your stepson, then really I think you are better off without him. Roll on the divorce - but I'm sorry it has come to this.
I would use the rest of the
I would use the rest of the week then to see a good divorce lawyer, and next week go away for a week your own to get your head straight.
Do not allow him to dictate the time line, and the route the divorce takes. Make sure YOU get the best deal you can.
I am sorry your DH has his
I am sorry your DH has his head buried in the sand and your adult SS is so disrespectful to you. What you described your SS has done to you, after you have gone out of your way to be nice to him and his wife, sound similar to the hateful mind games my adult steps have played.
We think that once they get older, they will at least be polite. Oh no, it doesn't seem to work that way for some adult steps, including the ones I've had to deal with. Even after my DH calling them on their disrespectful behavior toward me, my DH and our marriage, the adult steps still continue to disrespect me, DH and our marriage. They are hateful to the core.
If your DH wants to throw you into a shark tank of disrespect, and then expect you to pretend to play happy family, I'd tell my DH he is on his own to deal with hateful DS and you want no part of it. I'd also tell my DH know that no decent man sits back and let his wife be mentally abused by a hateful adult skid. Would your DHsay nothing to an aquantince who treated you the same way?
My DH and I tried to play the happy family game with the hateful adult skids for a while, and we both hoped it would stop, until it got to a point neither of us wanted to be around them. They disrespected our marriage from day one and continue to do so.
Don't let them get to you and concentrate on what is best for yourself.
I hope everything works out for you.
Update...the circle continues...
Again, when I am ready to divorce, dh shows remorse, backs down, even goes to our therapist by himself, and dh is now going to his son's apartment for an early celebration of Father's Day tonight, Friday, since I am guessing that his son won't make plans with him on Father's Day. I forgot that our anniversary was this week, and DH brought roses and my favorite food, along with a heart felt card. He wants us to reconnect, and he hasn't brought up his son once. I'm about at my wit's ends on this emotional rollercoaster, but I also don't want to start over. He's a good man EXCEPT when it comes to his son...then he's a scared, emotionally damaged person looking for love and acceptance. It's very sad to watch his son take advantage of him. His son will not be taking advantage of me anymore. It's been 100% disengagement for 5 months, and I plan to keep it that way. A miracle such as dss walking on water would have to happen for me to engage. I don't anticipate that ever happening. Again, in the end, this may end in divorce. I will start cleaning out the house because we either need to downsize, or I need to "start over."
Therapy together
Would it be useful for you both to go to a therapist that is fluent with step families? I only suggest it as we went to one and learned a lot about how my DH can have a relationship with the skids without involving me. We also got a good view of healthy boundaries. The skids are way grown and have been using guilt and manipulation (as well as their spouses) on my DH after their mother passed and then when we married. His response was giving them tons of money so he would not lose them. Guess what? When the $$ dried up, they were gone. And while he was giving away his retirement money to them, they were rude and disrespectful. It took us a long time to work through this - he knows his relationship with his kids is up to him to pursue. We have some good boundaries in place now - as long as the boundaries are respected, I have no issues with him or the skids.
We have a therapist...
...who was the one who first suggested a total disengagement period. After that time period ran out and I saw that I gave dss yet another "chance," I decided a 100% disengagement period shou1d continue. The next step was to get dh to stop bringing up, "give him another chance" discussion, which the therapist (I thin4) tod him to do 1ast night. We wait to see how 1ong that 1asts.
Come on, OP, do you really
Come on, OP, do you really want to continue living this way? Being treated like dirt, walking on eggshells, all the passive aggressiveness, your husband being a pussy to his son. I mean, FUCK. Life is meant to be enjoyable. Things may getcricky at work or with other family members. But your home is supposed to be the sanctuary, your husband is supposed to be your rock. This is not a healthy way to live. Wait until DSS has kids, I can guarantee you will not be welcomed at the hospital to visit, and the it’s all going to snowball from there. Get out. I say divorce him, take some time to heal, and then find someone who will cherish and respect you. You’ll be so happy you got out.
You sound 1i4e me...
I have actua11y said those exact words...word for word in our arguments. I am actua11y hoping dss moves out of state in August which he had hinted he wou1d do. I'm ho1ding my breath.
when I am ready to divorce,
when I am ready to divorce, dh shows remorse, backs down, even goes to our therapist by himself
So your H has a pattern of making promises that he cannot keep. He has proven that he is not a man of his word and if he manipulates you long enough you'll get over it and than the whole dysfunctional cycle begins again. This is not healthy, him gaslighting you is insulting, and I the only way he'll truly change or want to change is the day he sees you walk out that door and not look back.
The lack of respect between your H and his son is inexcusable and its sad that your H has allowed and enabled this behavior from his son. He needed to always have your back, address his son each and every time he was out of line......instead he just stepped back and watched as you were disrespected.......Your H is suppose to protect you and has done a sh!tty job at it. I hope perhaps "this time" its different but if its not that you do what's in your best interest and live your best life.....you deserve it.
JMHO
Stop acting like an adult child and give this up to a higher power. Disengage. Don't complain to your husband about this anymore because nagging won't change anything. Don't give SS the satisfaction of letting him know that he has succeded in hurting your feelings and nearly driving you over the edge. Don't give him the satisfaction of running you away. If he isn't returning calls, don't call him. If he is lieing to you ask only 1 word response questions, like "are you okay?' and immediately remove yourself from his presence. If you are having a family function, have your husband invite him by saying "oh, honey I didn't get around to calling SS to invite him, can you do it? I'm tied up right now." And then get tied up. Have your husband buy the Christmas gift by saying "honey, can you pick up SS a gift, I am all out of ideas." If you are at the same event, try not to be near him and if you are, say hello SS, keep it moving and have a conversation with his wife or someone else in the room. Not about him or family, but anything else...Game of Thrones...whatever. If he comes your way, act like you don't see him.
I guarantee you that when you are no longer stalking him and he gets wind that you don't give a care, he will come groveling.
100% Disengagement Now
I have not seen dss in over 5 months, and I p1an to 4eep it that way. That's why dh is so miffed. I'm stopping the cycle of insanity. I don't know how long this wi11 last, but it's the only way I can do it. Otherwise, it's time for the big D.
He is playing games. Time to
He is playing games. Time to quit playing.
Take care of you.
We went on our vacation...
and we had a lovely time. We made a pact to not talk about our kids, and therefore, there was no conflict while on vacation. However, when we got back, I learned that ss22 and his wife want my husband to consult them on buying a house. That's how I learned that they ditched their original plan of moving out of state. Additionally, they would live less than 30 minutes from us, so I suspect they expect my husband to help them with all homeowner issues...even before our homeowner issues will be fixed. I was so hoping ss22 would move. I honestly don't now how much more of this I can take.
I've been reading articles about this, and the divorce rate for blended families with stepkids is 70%. The typical situation is the parents never see any wrong-doing of their kids, the stepmom is made out to be the villain, the stepkid manipulates the parents forever, and the conflict never goes away. I just want to cry.