should i use him while i am getting out

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my partner and i no longer have anything kind to say to each other and i feel belittled and unloveable .His children have torn us apart. I feel bitter that we were supposed to try for a family of our own over te past 7 years (me 40 and him 55) and instead his adult sd are now having children after having lived off us the entire time. We had to sell the house to force them to move on, and incur a huge debt.

I have been hurt so much by people I trusted on this subject.I was abused as a child and felt strongly about how children should be treated and what family should be because of it. I want us to have children but his family has made us both bitter and angry with each other.

I have blamed him and I feel that I should use the next year to get strong enough to leave him.but a part of me feels that Imay be just punishing him for my past, and that i have become too old to have children and am resentful at his having kids. i cant stand that his daughter is a child abuser. I dont feel safe near her or her partner(social services took the child away, but she is pregnant again to claim housingf). When i met him it was a dream. i dreamed of a good family. now it is a nightmare.

so please can anyone tell me how do you stop blaming them(partner) for who their children are?I feellike using him now because his kids have used us(he even admits some of it). i dont want to do that.how do you fall back in love with someone when the magic is gone?please reply to this I am desperate and nonone else understands

Hugs to you....it will get

Hugs to you....it will get better. Put in he effort to spend quality time alone and try and regain what has been lost. It will either come naturally on its own or you will make a decision that it's not for you. If you love him give it a shot ..we've been through those same feelings so many times as any couple does that's been together long enough. This happens and if you both make an effort you will get through it and maybe even stronger than ever.,.hope it works for you.

thank you somuch twinkletoes

thank you somuch twinkletoes i so needed to hear that. just to feel normal again would be great. I just dont know if you ever really forgive them for all the hardship and losing my chance to have a child. I dont know how to be happy even amongst strangers anymore. thats why this forum is a god send.

your kindness is rare.

others simply judge you as bad company, so you tell noone.

You are so welcome. I'm not

You are so welcome. I'm not here to make anyone feel worse. I'd like to help others feel better as when I post here it's for support just like you. I do hope you will find your way back to a loving relationship. I don't know your personal health but you are not too old for a baby. If you want one you should try. I had my last in my late thirties. If you love him you will find a way to work it out. My dh and I have been through really tough times and we've managed to pull out of it. I don't know how but we did. I wish you luck and happiness.

I have friends who had babies

I have friends who had babies at and after 40! But, I wouldn't go there if you're marriage is rocky.
Just putting it out there that all hope is not lost.

OP and her husband have 95

OP and her husband have 95 years of aged mutated DNA between them. Birth defects go way up for men over 50, specifically dwarfism. I say adopt.

You are going through a lot.

You are going through a lot. I am probably the last person who should be giving you feedback as some of the things you are experiencing I am going through myself.
Should you use him? I say no. Your self respect and dignity are more important than that. If you have your own financial means, use them and not his.
How do you fall back in love with somebody? It takes time and a lot of hard work. Falling in love is not the same as loving somebody. Sometimes when the spark is gone it never comes back but in a healthy couple the respect remains. Do you have any respect for him at all?
Do you feel safe with him? Does he add to your life or take from it?
I can see how resentful you are because you had to sell your house and incur debt. That would hit me RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS and leave a huge hole. Resentment is hard to overcome. Again, that takes a lot of work.
I can't speak to your step kids. You may never have a great relationship with them. A good one or decent one is fine too.
If you have issues from your past, your childhood, you owe it to yourself to explore this though counseling. I had issues myself and they just follow you from relationship to relationship. But I know how you feel. You are tired of trusting, of hoping and getting nothing in return but grief. My prayers for you friend!

the way i meant use him i

the way i meant use him i suppose is just as someone i have a last chance to have a baby with. Or l leave if I cant after I have saved up enough money to get my own place and be with someone else. We have never gotten married because I feel like a partner not really wife material.

You've seen what his DNA

You've seen what his DNA spawns into, do you really want one of those of your own? If he's in his 50's and doesn't want any more children it would be a disaster to force that upon him and the unwanted child. Children are not magical bandaids that fix relationships, they are quite the opposite.

I really feel for you. And

I really feel for you. And I'm not sure I should be giving anyone relationship advice. But here goes.... If you really want a baby, have one. You don't need him to do it. I have a friend who had a child in her 20s with her ex-DH. After she got divorced, she decided to have artificial insemination to have a second child in her late 30s. She was single and not dating, but she decided she didn't need a man to have a baby and she's done just great. The only complications in her life are with the hateful ex-DH. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have a baby with your guy, he will be in your life forever. The wounds just don't fully heal if you don't make a clean break. There are other ways to have a baby if that's what you truly want. He is not your last chance.

the way i meant use him i

I wanted to have a child with

I wanted to have a child with has DH so badly. I only had one child from a previous marriage. My DH had 3. He was done. We were 40 when we married. My clock was ticking. And that's all I could think about. I thought of "trapping" him but decided I couldnt bring a child into the picture like that. Well I will be 50 now and those chances are long gone. I am quite content with my "only" I love him to death. In hindsight, glad I never had another. But you are in a different situation as you don't have a child and desperately want one. I agree that if you don't plan on staying with this man I wouldn't want to bring a child into the picture. It will just complicate things. But if there is a chance you can work things out tell him how you feel about having a child. If he doesnt want to then you will have a tough decision to make. Hugs!

fleur - do not blame the

fleur - do not blame the children, they did not break up your relationship - the partner did it all on his own, cause he only wanted a easy lay, and maid - he did not love you the way he should've...

wave him goodbey and find a man who loves you for you, not your ability to cook.

why do I say this - children do not have the power to break people up, oh believe me Aergia has tried for 11 years now, but we are still together and we have wonderful times with or without her.... SO would simply tell her to stop it and get over herself, but believe me if he only saw me as a easy lay and maid, I would've left long time ago..

Make your exit strategy,

Make your exit strategy, follow the plan, and move on. Don't sweat the details. Your DH has earned the result that he perpetrated by his failure to be your equity life partner.

No regrets, no guilt, good riddance to he and his spawn.

Take care of you.

IMHO of course.

Your body constantly sending

Your body constantly sending you messages to have a child is sometimes unbearable. I am 62 years old and I can honestly say that my body was still telling to have a child in my late 50"s. Fortunately my dh had ED otherwise I certainly would have been having sex night and day to make sure I got pregnant. The urge to procreate was constant and making me crazy. So I can imagine what you must be going through. You dream about being pregnant and you wake up wanting to be pregnant.

Seriously though you can still have a child. There is a 22 year old difference between me and my brother. My mother, a single parent, had him when she was 42 years old. When she started to get her contractions she drove herself to the hospital. There was no one by her side, I took off work to be with her, but she did not ask me to be there. She just handled the situation as best she could all by herself and supported him all by herself. She worked two jobs, one was full time as an assembly worker and the other was part-time in a bar collecting the entrance fee when they had bands. She wanted to have him and did not ask permission from anyone as to whether she could get pregnant or not and she certainly did not depend on anyone to support her and my brother. She got divorced from father when I was 15 years old and she remained a single woman from then on. She is still going strong, making her own decisions and not depending on anyone.

Your choices are to either live with a man who refuses to have a child, or to leave and find someone would be happy to have a child with you, or be like my mother and make your own decisions and not depend on anyone.

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should i use him while i am getting out