SIL is Every Adult SD Ever...
DH and I were visiting with his older sister yesterday and it was nice for awhile, but near the end of the visit you could see the bolts start to loosen and she lost it. She started ranting about her decades deceased stepmother.
Without warning she went into a rant about the SM and just started spewing hatred. A few of the things she said:
I'm glad she's dead!
Her own children were the most important thing in the world to her. She didn't care about us!
She never loved dad. She didnt get his jokes.
Dad had to sneak over to see us.
He spent so much money on her....
Mind you, SIL is a woman in her 60's almost ready to collect social security. DH and I just sat there shocked with our mouths hanging open and I excused myself to use the restroom. At that point DH said, "That was a long time ago and you need to let it go." She protested but finally stopped after DH's insistence.
A little backstory: DH's mother was responsible for the divorce, left the husband for another man, and moved several states away with new man and the kids. DH's father tried several times to reconcile with MIL but she refused and a few years later DH's father remarried. DH's dad stayed married to new wife for 18 years until she passed away.
DH and i talked about SIL's remarks after she left and I said that of course SM's children were important to her. She was their mother and apparently she'd previously been married to a man who had been abusive to her and the kids. She was very protective of them. SIL already had a mother and a father who should have made her their priority but apparently it didn't happen. Then there was the money issue, apparently FIL spent on her medical bills. Oh the horror, he should have just let her die and given all the money to SIL right? SIL was the adult child that sponged as much money off of daddee as possible. She was always broke and in need so FIL came to the rescue and bailed her out every time. When FIL passed away she transferred this money guilt onto DH who did help her and even went into debt over her irresponsiblity. Evil me put an end to the SIL loans that were never being repaid. Instead the money went to pay off the debt dh had incurred.
SIL had gone on this rant a few times in my presence. Never once did she begrudge her own mother for breaking up their family. Never did she berate her new stepfather who had an affair and child with her mother. Nope, it was all SM's fault, every bad thing that happened from the time she was in her teens to now when she is about to collect social security. Even after SM has been dead for over 20 years she's still being hated.
I have no doubt she commiserates with ss33 over his evil SM (me), and how unfair life is since wicked me came in the picture. It's really disturbing to know that she likely fans the flames of ss33's own discontent that daddee got remarried purely to validate her own old drama.
I'm sure this is preaching to the chior for some since you live this exact hell, but let it be a warning for others. It never ends! It's a myth that they'll "grow up" at the magical age of 18, spread their wings and fly. Ha!
Wow, she really let you see
Wow, she really let you see her rotting, puss-filled dark side, didn't she? What a hater. They do say each kid in a family has a completely different childhood, but clearly this woman has twisted things to serve her own "Song of the Perennial Victim" narrative.
Being a SM certainly gives us a unique perspective on family dynamics, especially as we mature. Its crazy that there are millions of SMs in the world and yet we are so misunderstood. I'm guessing your SIL has never been one?
In my step situation, I've always felt that there were two strikes against me: 1) BM2 was awful. Mentally ill and abusive, so that created a bias against anyone DH became involved with next, and 2) FIL & Uncle X, the two father figures of the family, never dated or remarried after their divorces. They both doted on their daughters (FIL was enmeshed with his), so the kids never had an SM. This led to the SILs meddling in my step situation despite having zero understanding of step dynamics.
It's both sad and sobering to know that even today, there's still such hatred for SMs. Peace, acceptance, and inclusion are demanded for so many other groups, but not us. I wonder why.
Yes she obviously has a lot
Yes she obviously has a lot of issues festering. I can only imagine she was just a peach of a step daughter to deal with. She's never married or had any significant relationships that DH is aware of. She does have a daughter that she adopted (not officially). Daddee was her best friend and helped pay her bills until he passed away. I believe she became the mini wife after the divorce then dad had the gall to replace her and she still isn't over it.
I definitely see things differently as a SM. Anytime anyone starts demonized a stepparent I always read between the lines.
The Movies
Don't you wish life was like a 1952 musical where people could actually SEE how their actions affect others? You know, where they have a 'come to Jesus moment' and see the light? Ya, it sounds like she was robbed of the 'mini-wife for life' role.
It was very inappropriate for her to rant about her rotten SM when you were sitting there. She MUST know you are SM so it makes you wonder what the purpose of her tirade was. You mentioned "reading between the lines" so do you think she is mentally unbalanced or what?
I've been running into a lot of people with narcissistic tendencies lately. It seems like an epidemic and it's getting old.
Maybe she's throwing her fits
Maybe she's throwing her fits in front of me since she never got to properly unleash her hate on her own SM before she died. She does have anxiety issues Also she and ss33 are tight when he needs a place to stay or help. I can only imagine they commiserate about their awful SM's. Funny thing, ss33 came over today, the day after SIL throws her fit. A one two punch perhaps? Luckily I was out and missed his visit.
Peachy, for sure.
Peachy, for sure.
I have an older half brother who is similarly twisted and stunted. His problems might be rooted in anxiety, but he's now 65 and isn't going to change. Never married, dated, or had a gf. Thinks he's worthy of a centerfold, though. Is self employed because he can't get along with any boss. He also had serious mommy issues and hated my father (his SF).
It is what it is. People like these always hold others to a much higher standard than themselves. They hold on to each and every hurt, real or imagined, and are just miserable people.
Maybe we could get your
Maybe we could get your brother and my SIL together. They sound like a match made in heaven! Yes, she is miserable and always has some gripe and ailment. It's amazing her and DH are from the same litter.
My sister
I have a sister like this too. Never married, had one date in her life, about 400 pounds, very rigid, 69 years old. She's hated me for decades for various reasons, none of which have any justification for it. Same kind of person as Still Learning's SIL. I finally said enough is enough and cut ties with her. I hope Still Learning does this with her SIL - and her SS too. Life's too short.
This led to the SILs meddling
After sleeping on it, I'm thinking this is exactly what my SIL is doing as well. Meddling, grinding the axe of her old hurts, and being ss33's flying monkey. I need to keep reminding myself, DANGER! DO NOT ENGAGE!
You'd know best. At any rate,
You'd know best. At any rate, she doesn't sound like someone you need in your life. Let her (and SS) ferment in their own nasty negativity.
I don't need her, or ss, but
I don't need her, or ss, but theyre going to be around. Yes, they can ferment in their own discontent. I want no part of it. For the most part I'm disengaged but always try to be hospitable to SIL when I'm in her company. I think the best course is a polite quick superficial conversation and then move on.
Thanks for being a sounding board. It's taken several years of WTF's to figure out what the heck is going on. Again, it's not me just someone else trying to drag me into their drama. No thanks!
So, why hasn't someone given
So, why hasn't someone given SIL clarity on the FACT that it is her adulterous whore of a mother that ruined the family and that SIL needs to STFU, grow up, and take her shit out on MOMMY!
It is never to late and no one is ever too old for clarity. Repeatedly
smh
As for SS-33.... apply the same model and give him clarity. Repeatedly.
It would be awesome if
It would be awesome if someone would but DH would never say anything negative to anyone about his mom even if it is the truth. I'd love to but it's not my trainwreck, we all know how it goes when SM's try to *clarify* or intervene in a situation. DH and I have talked about it and he knows the facts that his mom isn't a saint but he doesn't carry all the baggage that SIL does. DH liked his SM, her kids, and his Stepdad.
Clarity is in the eye of the beholder and they're only going to see what they want to see.
When toxic people spout crap,
When toxic people spout crap, I wipe... their noses in it. Interestingly it has helped the relationship between my wife and I and my IL clan. They know that the toxic crap will not be tolerated, that when they spout their own baggage will be aired, and .... they have learned to be less toxic, less manipulative and a few of them have even learned a few things that are making their lives better.
Not all of them, particularly my crook, scamming, thieving POS of a SIL. But. no one can fix 'em all I guess.
Are you for hire Rags? It
Are you for hire Rags? It would be awesome to send you around to dysfunctional families and tell it like it is!
It has always amazed me how
It has always amazed me how many people suffer from the Emperors' New Clothes syndrome or Ostrich syndrome. The ones with the least business to have an opinion seem to be the ones expressing one. Yet they are the ones parading around starkers strutting like they are in the Emperors' robes.
It does not take much to end their toxic drama. Just point it out in front of everyone when they start.
The one that has been most effective with my ILs is "How come you won't say this to X when X is present?" They have the rotating family hot seat that someone is always in. No one will say something directly to that person. They would rather smile, act all happy when the hot seat person is present then start the crap as soon as that person isn't present.
So, I tell them to step up and tell the person personally, or I will. That tends to shut the stuff down in a hurry.
The triangle game
"They have the rotating family hot seat that someone is always in. No one will say something directly to that person. They would rather smile, act all happy when the hot seat person is present then start the crap as soon as that person isn't present."
Yes, this is how triangulation works, and I agree - they need to be called out on it. If you are the person who exposes them, you will be the next target. But by that time who cares what they think? They bought into the sick process of making themselves look better in their own eyes by grouping up on someone else.
By the way, I know you don't qualify for being a doner but have you thought about possibly a blog to help some of these balless DH's "get clarity"?
Interestingly neither
Interestingly neither
my bride nor I have been in the hotseat. We avoid it by being wary of environment when we are with my ILs and publically stating what is likely to be the topic that will put us in the seat.
The best example I have is on agriculture. Neither my wife nor I are ag people. Though we are business people.
Everyone else is either in agriculture as their livlihood or professes to be highly ag knowledgeable. So we keep our participation in ag topic activities or discussions to the business side of things. None of them have any business experience or sense so there isn't much that they can address regarding cooking us in the hot seat. When they attempt to put us on the spot all it takes is "You haven't made a dime on farming. In fact you have gone bankrupt repeatedly. Agriculture is a business and the goal is to make a profit." At that point they turn red, get all flustered and bluster "Well, you just don't understand agriculture."
End of discussion. Vector the interface to a position that they are extremely uncomfortable about and they clam up.
Over time they learn to just keep the interface on an enjoy time together basis.
My hubbys exwife cheated on him
and was seeing men on the side, ex wife married her ex high school sweetheart who left his wife to marry her and they were cheating on their spouses whilst still married.
Week after divorce was final exwife waits till kids are in school and marries this guy who kids didn’t even know she was dating and they come home and she tells them she got married and they have a new daddy and she eventually cut off contact..
sd’s excuse and justify their mums behaviour because how dare hubby divorce her, he destroyed her life they said...
so the cycle of deal with shit, suck up the shit and eat shit continues
Has anyone sat them down and
Has anyone sat them down and given them the line by line overview of the facts of BM's behaviors, choices, betrayals, etc, etc, etc......?
If not, why not?
Sheesh your SIL needs some
Sheesh your SIL needs some therapy and let them know how she REALLY feels. Holding on to all that resentment for all these years will make her sick. She needs to heal from this and let it go.
Couldn't agree more. She is
Couldn't agree more. She is over 60 and still harboring angst over this situation. The rant sounded like something a 15 yr old girl would say. I care about her but can't be her sounding board for her issues with a woman who did nothing but love her dad and should be allowed to rest in peace. Funny thing, SIL has gone on this same tangent a handful of times since I've been with DH and it only makes me admire her SM more.
Next time she goes on this rant I'll ask, "Have you ever talked to someone about this? I know a great therapist downtown."
Wow she sounds a lot like my
Wow she sounds a lot like my SIL (who doesn't have a SM LOL) but absolutely encourages my OSD to despise me, because SIL is jealous and insecure and figures if she can't be the single most important thing in DH's life, well, she will seek to destroy me at all costs
So sad that people think and act this way, literally over nothing