Do you not want him to have any kind of relationship with her? That doesn't seem fair.

It wouldn't bother me if DH wanted to go spend a couple of days with his kid without me. But I'm not sure I'm clear on what behavior it's condoning.

It is going to take some time for this not to bother you. Send your DH off with warm wishes and try to bite your lip.

A few years ago when I was anxious about the other shoe dropping, I knew that DH would start to receive exclusive invitations.  We live in the sunshine state by Disney, so it was coming.  At that point, the thought infuriated me. But he just received an invitation to go to Disney with them. And I felt ZERO emotion about it. That is progress and it makes me happy!

I know what's going through your head. That how could DH want to have fun with people who have been unkind and unaccepting to you. But you have a choice. You can stay away from them, or could keep putting up with it. You chose your own peace.  Focus on that and your marriage.

If your skids are like mine, they are probably hoping that their dad visiting them is causing a rift with you. Don't give them that satisfaction.  When they realized his visits had no impact on me, the game got boring for them.  Men like their comfort the most. His kids kept putting pressure on him dictating what he should do. I stopped.  Sadly, they drove him away a little with their behavior, but he had to be the one to feel it.

This is a grey area situation.  My world struggles with grey.   On the one hand based on their behavior this is clearly a black and white event.  They are manipulative and toxic.   So in my world of no grey.... DH should not forfeit his time with you for them. Period.

Now for the grey.  Which when I am not standing on my black and white platform is obviouisly present in my world.

Spouses should have independent relationships with their own friends and family. Not at the expense of making their marriage and partner the un paralleled priority but because even within the context of a marriage there should be some independence.

Over the nearly 25 years of our marriage I actively support and encourage that my wife spend time with her family and friends without me.  And she does the same for me.  However, in our relationship with extended family she spends far more time with mine than I do with hers.

I care about them.  I wish them good lives but ... other than my bride and our kid... I have little in common with them. 

So, a few times a year I start the discussion of her having a several days visit in her home town with her family and friends.  I accompany her occassionally on these trips. We usually have a great time on those trips.

So from that context... you may want to consider taking a different perpspective on this type of thing.... periodocally.  You are the only one who can make the determination of what is reasonable for you.  Communicating, discussing and formatting what will work has to be a joint effort between you and your husband.

It is possible to find a balance that will work and not subjugate yourself or the marriage as a sub priority to extended family or kids.

It takes work, it takes time, and it takes comitment.  From both of you.  He needs to make it clear to you and everyone else that you and the marriage are the unequivocal priority.  You have to recognize that his family relationships have some level of independence from you and from the marriage without being a greater priority than the marriage and you and DH to each other.

When my bride is on her home/family time visits, we stay touch even more than when we are in our usual daily lives.

This is how we manage it.

Find what will work for you, DH and  your life together. 

Nope, it isn't peace if you are just hanging around waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

It is simply rude when adult skids only invite their bio parent to holiday with them and purposely exclude the stepparent. I bet if any of your adult skids are married, their spouses were all invited. What gives adult skids a free pass to exclude the stepmother in this case? They are excluding the stepmother because that is the rude, spiteful and hateful thing to do. My DH's adult nightmares do the same thing. DH and I joke about it now, as it has become just so predictable with them. 

Don't you want to enjoy a holiday with your DH? Doesn't he want his wife to accompany him? Why are the spouses of the adult skids and their children all invited? The stepmother is being excluded purposely. As I always say, any decent, good husband would not attend any adult skid concocted function without his wife, if he feels it is putting a strain on his marriage or his spouse. 

The whole business of, "let's play mean and purposely not invite our stepparent, while we invite every other member of the family." Is ludicrous. Unless both spouses are okay with it, it is wrong. You became part of your DH's family when you married him. As part of his family, you should not be purposely excluded. How would your DH like it if your family excluded him all the time?

When my DH started pulling back on this mean game his adult brood kept playing, they started asking him less and less. 

I tell my DH how I feel and he tells me how he feels about things. We usually seem to work things out. We never would try to put the other in a position where they feel excluded.

Adult skids should not get a free pass to treat a stepparent this way. They must come from that same generation of self-entitled skids mine come from.

Don't let it get you down and good luck to you in the future.

Send him off with a hug and enjoy your 3 days of peace!  Surely you need a break from the stinky ol' codger? 

People like this will never suddenly, honestly start including you; they are the same people excluding you now.  Even if you go, you will be excluded and our DH's bare the responsibility for their selfishness and lack of breeding. We are treated this way because our husbands allow it. We have to accept it for what it is.....there will be no change for most of us.

You did nothing to deserve it, you are you; taking away daddee's money, time and attention (they sickly feel)...that was the only reason. Never be around people who make you miserable.  There is no way out of their family mess; they have decided you are odd man (SM), out (like many of us here).  Let your DH deal completely with his beautiful creation and see what happens next. You will see if they cannot make you miserable, they will begin working on him......you may never know, but it will happen.  Let him feel the wrath and you stay out of it and in your own peaceful world with people who support and care about you.

And, if you ever start feeling left out--think about how badly you felt when you were actually included. 

Two years ago after some truly horrid actions by SS34 and his GF I told DH to "keep them away from me".  They are not to set foot in my home even if I am hundreds of miles away.  

I personally do not give a flying you know what what they think of me, if they never want me near them either, or if they bombard DH with invitations. My DH really enjoys his life with me.  He also loves me being the social chairman.  He doesn't make a dental appointment without having me check his calendar to see if he is free.  So I never have to deal with DH leaving me to go spend time with the cretins.

I've told DH that I know that he loves his son.   I have not forbidden DH to talk to his son, to see him or his grandson, etc.  I live a fairly busy life and sometimes DH and I are in separate states (2 homes).  When I do not need DH (I have a temporary medical condition that requires DH to provide my transportation right now) I don't care if he sees his son.  But in our case it isn't a problem at all.  I hope you can get to this point also.

I think you can't have it both ways.  You want to disengage and let DH interact with his kids without you but then you want to limit his contact to when and where and how long they visit.  You also seem to be a little miffed that DH was invited and you were not even though you don't want to interact.    Did SK's set this up to get under your skin?  Maybe, but if that is the case why are you letting them?  

Real disengagement means you don't care when and where DH has a relationship with his kids.  They can be bi polar, blood sucking, 3 eyed ogres but it does not mean anything to you.   

My evil SD lives half way across the country and I would be DELIGHTED to send DH to visit with her and her family if I could just stay home.  I will schedule painful dental proceedures if I can just NOT GO. 

So, send DH to play in the snow and do your own thing while he is gone.  Have fun (skip the dentist), go out to dinner with friends, watch that movie DH hates, take a bubble bath, etc.  Just don't let the SK's live rent free in your head.